I was sick to my stomach and didn’t even know what to say. My head was spinning, as I just found out the “shipmate” Toni had been speaking about all of these months was a female, and now he lied to me when he got arrested and didn’t even call me.
“Thanks, girl, for being honest with me. I really don’t even know what to do anymore. I am so over him lying to me. I’m also hurt he called this Felix chick to bail him out. I’m his wife, for God’s sake,” I said as the tears came out of my eyes.
“I’m sorry, J. Maybe he was embarrassed to tell you.”
“He has been so nice to me these past few days. I was getting excited, as I thought I was getting my old Toni back. He wasn’t like this, well, at least he wasn’t like this with me. I swear all of the signs were there and I just didn’t want to be that girl and focus on all of the shortcomings he had. Now what?”
“I don’t know, J, I don’t know.”
Toni called about three times while I was with Natalie as she talked me off the ledge. I was so lost and hurt by him and was trying to understand what the military would do because of this kind of situation. I didn’t have any savings and pretty much gave up my life back in New Jersey for this new life in Norfolk. I had nothing to fall back on. Toni was the breadwinner of the house, and I truly felt like I was backed into a corner. I hated being backed into a corner, so I needed a way out.
I finally got myself together and made my way home. Toni must have known something was up, especially when I gave him one of his BS answers to why I didn’t pick up the phone.
“Oh, sorry. I left it in my purse while I was out shopping.”
“Oh, okay, what did you buy?” he asked, trying to be interested in my day when he could care less about me shopping or what I bought in the past.
“Oh, nothing, I pretty much just window-shopped.”
“One of these days, babe, you won’t have to window-shop anymore and you’ll be able to get everything you want.”
“That would be nice,” I said as I walked upstairs, emotionless.
Toni followed behind me like a lost puppy. “Do you want to grab dinner?”
“Naw, I’m not hungry. I just want a nice hot bath and then I’m off to bed.”
“I can draw you a bath if you like? Or maybe help you relax after your bath,” he said, talking with his eyes, but I played dumb, so he ended up looking dumb.
After my hot bath, I was truly relaxed and really just wanted to cry myself to sleep. I got into bed when Toni was downstairs and I guess his conscience got the best of him.
“Hey, babe. I need to talk to you?”
“What’s up?”
“I’m sorry, I can’t lie to you and I feel horrible.”
“What now?” was all I could say.
I watched as Toni finally came clean about what happened on Monday, but I was lifeless and showed no reaction. I didn’t even care anymore even when he started to cry.
“JR, I love you so much, but I don’t know why I keep doing this to you. I keep putting you through all of this. All I want is the best for you. I want to make you happy. Are you happy?”
This was the age-old question, and at this point in my life, the answer was simple. I wasn’t happy.
However, since I really didn’t have a leg to stand on, I didn’t want to bite the hand that fed me, so I just said, “Toni, I really can’t answer that right now. I am very hurt and I’m having a hard time trusting you. You have lied to me so much and I forgave you every time, but this lie not only affects you, but it affects me and now your career.”
“Babe, I know, I know I messed up, but I promise I’ll make this right.”
I was so over that statement; he said that every time and nothing changed.
Toni honored my request of needing some time and he slept on the couch for two nights as I gathered my thoughts and found him a lawyer to help us with this arrest and fines. The lawyer cost nine hundred dollars, plus he had to pay back Jessica. He was found guilty, but the judge went light on him and only fined him eight hundred dollars plus points on his license. The military wasn’t so nice; he ended up losing his bonus and the promotion that he was eligible for.
I was still pissed but allowed Toni to make his way back into our bed, as he was truly on his best behavior for the last three weeks. However, I knew it wouldn’t last. Toni knew I was one foot out the door and he was trying his best to make this work. He came home like clockwork after work. He even got lucky a few times, but I still didn’t trust him, so my guard was up until I figured out my personal game plan on what I would do next.
This Can’t Be Happening…
It’d been nine months since Toni got arrested, and so far, things were going much better. He was actually doing better and even took me on a surprise trip to Dominican Republic. I never asked if he paid back Jessica, but I had been checking the accounts regularly, and outside of the court fees and the lawyer, we still had our savings, which wasn’t much. However, since Toni wasn’t hanging out with his friends, I guess we had enough money for this much-needed trip. I also was saving every dime I had from my little part-time gig and was picking up overtime left and right. Toni had nothing to say, but he noticed I worked more hours and I stopped buying extra clothes and going to the mall.
I thought my life was starting to get back to normal again, but then my period was two weeks late.
“Hey, JR, is everything okay?”
“Natalie, I need your help. Can you please stop at CVS and pick me up a pregnancy test? I’ve been throwing up all morning and I haven’t had breakfast yet.”
“Say no more, I’ll be right over.”
Natalie came over in a matter of minutes, like she had a kit in her hands and was waiting for my call.
“Hey, that was fast.”
“I live eight minutes from you and I always have a few tests lying around. You know we get free tests and other meds from base?”
“Up until now, I had no need for a test, but thanks for the heads-up.” I took the box and went into the bathroom.
“Hey, J, it’s been like ten minutes, is everything okay?”
I didn’t say anything, but Natalie heard me sobbing in the bathroom and demanded I open the door.
“Come on, J, come outside. We will get through this,” she said as if she knew the answer to the test already.
I slowly unlocked the door, and with tears in my eyes, I just walked out of the bathroom. Natalie ran inside and looked at my positive pregnancy test on the bathroom floor.
“Oh, JR, I’m sorry.”
This was supposed to be a happy moment for anyone but me. My marriage was still unstable, and I personally didn’t want kids. I was just at a loss for words.
“What are you going to do?”
“I can’t do anything. This can’t be happening. I don’t believe in abortions.” I paused for a minute and then thanked Nat for coming over and told her I would call her later.
I didn’t know what else to do or say, but Toni would be home in an hour, so I figured I would just tell him and see what happened.
To my surprise, Toni was so excited; he thought this was the best news as he picked me up and spun me around in a circle and kissed my belly.
“I’m going to be a dad.”
That night Toni was on his best behavior and treated me like a queen. I made my appointment to see the doctor, but Toni wasted no time telling everyone. The doctor confirmed I was four weeks along. I was so depressed by the news, and to make matters worse, Toni just found out he would be leaving for another deployment in, like, a month.
I was so scared as the last deployment had been the worst. Toni was unbearable and I didn’t think I could take that. Toni kept saying this baby gave our relationship hope and gave him purpose. But deep down inside, I wasn’t at all happy. I wanted more for my life and I was scared.
I was now seven weeks pregnant and Toni was leaving for his deployment in three weeks. This deployment was only supposed to be six months, so he would be back just in t
ime for the delivery. This helped a little, as most wives had to deliver on their own without the support of their husband. Toni even found out that he would get even more money in the military because of our baby, but I hated the fact he was that excited, as if this baby was a meal ticket.
Overall, things were going great. Toni and I made a trip to New Jersey to hang out with my mother and little sister. My mother liked Toni, as he was always a perfect gentleman in front of everyone. However, I started to feel a sharp pain in my side and I began to have hot flashes. I didn’t know what was going on until I excused myself to use the bathroom. I started to scream as my mother and Toni ran upstairs to see if I was okay. I had blood all over myself and I didn’t understand what was going on. My mother immediately called 911 and I was rushed off to the hospital.
After about three hours in the ER, I was placed in a room to relax. The doctor said everything looked fine still, as sometimes women could bleed during the early stages of their pregnancy. I was told to relax and make an appointment to see my doctor when I got back in town. The rest of the weekend, I was very careful. Even though I didn’t want this baby, I was still going to be a mother and I was trying to be the best mother I could be to this little person growing inside of me.
During our drive back to Norfolk, Toni treated me again like a queen. He promised to be a better man and an even better father. He asked me to quit my part-time job so I could relax while he was gone. I understood the scare I just had, but I really thought I would drive myself crazy if I just sat at home and did nothing. He was leaving for his deployment soon, so I told him I would take it easy and maybe cut down on the amount of hours I worked.
It felt good to have him worry about me so much.
***
Two weeks before his deployment, I finally was able to see my doctor, but this time Toni came with me. During the checkup, I felt like something was not right. The nurse was very quiet and the doctor came in and asked to speak to us after the ultrasound. I felt something inside of me, and I didn’t think the news was going to be good.
“Mr. and Mrs. Hall, I’m sorry to tell you this, but you had a miscarriage. It must have happened when you were bleeding and went to the emergency room. I know the ER doctor said everything was fine, but really it wasn’t…”
I totally tuned out at this point; was this a blessing or a curse? I felt bad to be this happy not to be pregnant anymore, but I also felt horrible to not be pregnant anymore.
“Mrs. Hall, are you okay?”
“I’ll be fine,” was all I said.
“What causes a miscarriage?” Toni finally asked the doctor after he let go of my hand because of my reaction.
“A lot of things can cause a miscarriage; everyone’s body is different. The first trimester of any pregnancy can be very difficult for some women.”
“Thanks, Doctor.” I immediately got up and was ready to go, but Toni was still sitting down and asked the doctor, “Can stress and working too much cause a miscarriage?”
The doctor looked at me as he answered Toni and said, “Every woman’s body is different. Stress can cause a miscarriage, but again the first trimester for some women can be difficult, and a miscarriage this early in the trimester can be natural.”
The ride back to the apartment was very quiet, as Toni said nothing and I just stared out of the window. I walked right into the house and still didn’t say a word. I just walked upstairs and walked into the bathroom to take a shower.
I cried and cried in my hour-long shower. To be honest, I didn’t really understand why I was crying. Was I upset that I had a miscarriage, was I upset Toni was going on another deployment, or was I just scared of what would happen now between Toni and me?
The night was all a blur as I just went straight to bed. The next morning Toni and I still didn’t speak as he left the house and finally came back around noon.
“Hey, J,” Toni said as he walked through the door.
“Hey.”
“How are you feeling?”
“I’m fine, was a little shocked, but I’m fine.”
“Well, you took it pretty easy yesterday. Are you happy you had a miscarriage?”
I was so shocked by his question.
“No, I’m not happy this is happening to me and my body. I was just shocked because the ER doctor said I was fine because he still saw the sack inside of me, so I thought we were fine. I’ve never been pregnant before, so I don’t know how this all works.”
“I went to my chief and requested to skip my deployment because of this loss, but they said no, I couldn’t do it.”
“Oh, okay.”
“I really wish you took better care of yourself once you found out you was pregnant. You probably stressed your body out from all of the crap you do and lost the baby.”
I was so calm in my reply to him, as I was just not in the mood for it. “Wow, so you’re blaming me for this loss? Interesting.”
“All I’m saying is you may have caused the miscarriage, have you thought about that?”
“Man, look, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and research, and I’m not going to blame myself for the loss. A miscarriage in the early stage of a pregnancy is pretty standard. However, I told you from the beginning I had a blood clot on the outside of my uterus when I was in college and had to have surgery to remove the blood clot, so I was not expecting a very easy pregnancy. Since the doctor told me about the potential side effects.”
“You also told me you didn’t want kids, so I know you’re happy.”
“I can’t believe you’re doing this,” was all I said as I grabbed my bag and keys and left the house.
I needed to be away from him, as he was so toxic and I didn’t have time to deal with the verbal abuse. I got in the car and tears were running down my eyes as I called Natalie to talk.
“I can’t do this, I just can’t do this anymore,” I cried on the phone to Natalie without even saying hello.
“Hey, hey, calm down, what’s going on?”
“I can’t do this anymore. I’m so sick and tired of him.”
“What happened?”
“He’s blaming the miscarriage on me, can you believe this?”
“Wait, what? You miscarried?”
The last few days had been so crazy, I forgot to tell Natalie about what happened.
“Yeah, girl.” My tone got low. “I had a miscarriage.”
“I am so sorry, I think? How are you doing?”
“I’m fine. I don’t know if this is a sign from God, but I’m listening.”
“Where are you? Come over to the house. Johnny is out for the evening.”
“Thanks, girl, I’m a few blocks away.”
As soon as I pulled into her driveway, she met me at the door. Natalie was such a great friend. I loved Angela, but I think deep down inside I was a little embarrassed about the direction my life was going even though Angela supported me no matter what. Besides, because Natalie was a navy wife, I felt like she understood the drama I was going through. The grass is always greener on the other side, as I knew Natalie’s marriage wasn’t perfect, but what marriage was. However, they had really good communication and I envied this.
“How are you feeling?”
“I’m just lost and confused. I swear this is the story of my life this past year or so. I’m telling you, Nat, he wasn’t like this. I know he blames the navy for everything, but it’s not the navy. I feel like I was a fool and got caught up in love. I was trying to be something I’m not, and now I feel trapped in this marriage.”
“Girl, you have options. What are you going to do? Why does he blame you for the miscarriage?”
“He asked the doctor if a woman can miscarry because of stress, and the doctor said yes, among other things. He now says my lifestyle of always staying busy made me have a miscarriage. I’ve been through so much, and this is why I try to eat healthy and live a healthy lifestyle. He knows this, yet he throws things in my face that he knows will hurt me. I hate to say this, but I am
kind of happy I had a miscarriage. I don’t want to do what my parents and many other parents do to their kids by staying in an unhappy relationship just for the kids. I want more from my life. I thought the navy was a better life for us, I trusted him and his plan for our future, but he is so angry and bitter and thinks the world owes him everything. It’s kind of sad.”
“This is crazy, I felt the same way with my ex.”
“So how did you bounce back? What did you do? You and Johnny are so happy.”
“Once I left my ex, I really took time to find myself and refocus my attention on me and my daughter. My ex is a great father but a horrible husband. I just wasn’t happy and he knows this. Thank God he let me move on. Naturally he was upset and became an angry black man and I was scared, but you’re a tough girl, so you’ll be fine, just like I made it out.”
As Natalie continued talking, I couldn’t help but think of my life these past three years. Toni was amazing at first and we had some good times, but he was different now. I didn’t know who he was anymore; I saw the asshole everyone warned me about. I had a future, a thriving career, a neat little townhome and a single-family home in an up-and-coming neighborhood in Newark. I was doing good; then I heard my father’s words and decided to make a change. I loved my father and didn’t understand why his words affected me so much. Maybe it was because I almost lost him and wanted to make him proud of me. In my parents’ eyes, I graduated from college and had a good life, but I was missing a husband, so I followed their path for my life, not my own. But was my own path all about me and my career? Was this hard lesson with Toni a blessing or a curse?
After two hours at Natalie’s home, I decided to go home and just face my reality.
Toni was sitting on the couch with a beer in his hands and ran to the door as I opened it.
“JR, I’m so sorry. I don’t know what came over me. I love you so much, you are my world and I don’t want to lose you.”
He must have been a fly on the wall at Natalie’s home because I was thinking about leaving.
Lust and Lies (The Jamie Reynolds Chronicles #1) Page 21
