Fatal Flaws

by Clyde Lawrence

  News alert: Egomaniac gets huge rush from being the inspiration behind a lifestyle and aesthetic metamorphosis. I’ll alert the social science journals, so that they can document this previously undiscovered phenomenon.

  “I guess you’re right, though,” he admitted, “Nobody knows better than her how much my businesses are worth. She could really fuck me over if I hurt her feelings.”

  “Yeah. Have you ever heard the phrase about hell having no fury like a woman scorned? You don’t want to start scorning this particular harpy right when you finally escaped from the hell you were living in.” We both knew that living with Patti wasn’t that terrible, but I will say that she had put him through the wringer during the divorce and, if he had truly been behaving himself up until now, he deserved a little worry-free sexual indulgence.

  “Hmm. Well stated, by the way. I’m over here icing down my blue balls that have been planning on bumping uglies with Jodi, and you’re waxing poetic about why I need to stay away from her. Don’t worry, dude, I’m not going to go off the deep end and mess up my life.”

  We moved on to other topics for the rest of the day. We had an upcoming trip to Cozumel to go diving. Mandy had just gotten her Open Water Diver Certification, and she would be accompanying us. We had details of the trip to discuss. We talked about kayaking, which we had both recently become interested in. Then we went on to discuss the kids. Neither of us could believe that my Ryan and Peter, his oldest son, were both in college. We talked about their future and what each of us wanted for our children. Neither of us was advising our kids to go to medical school due to the continuing changes that were making the practice of medicine less of a compelling career choice.

  We spent the rest of our meal discussing the topics that most physicians digress into, including the evil medical insurance industry, which perpetually had its dick in the ass of the medical community; attorneys who were at the root of all things evil within and without the medical industry; and ungrateful patients. Physicians everywhere could go on for days commiserating about these three topics and how each of them had stolen large pieces of the satisfaction we once had felt regarding our careers.

  Section Five:

  Just When You Think You’ve Taught’r Well

  Chapter 13

  Finally, Ryan was coming home for the weekend. I’d really been missing her. She had been going to University of Texas at Dallas and living near the main campus in Richardson, one of the seemingly endless communities which contributed to the urban sprawl extending north from Dallas. As usual, she was kicking ass and taking names in her studies as she worked toward her goal of graduate training as a physician assistant. Although she normally worked on the weekends, she was two thirds of the way through fall semester felt like she could afford to take a couple days off work and cut back on her studying for a weekend in order to avoid burning out prematurely. I couldn’t have agreed more and was pleased that she would be spending her time off at the house with us.

  Ryan had apparently been listening when I talked to her about the cons associated with training as a physician, but she had always been fascinated with the stories I’d told about interesting patient cases and she was still drawn to the medical profession. She had reached a compromise in her mind regarding how best to indulge her interest and use her knowledge and skills to provide patient care, but without having to become immersed in what I had come to see as the swampy waters of medicine. In my experience, it was in these very waters where lurked the putrid creatures many doctors had to swim with on a daily basis, without being consumed by them. These included the challenges of owning a practice, having lazy or dishonest employees, ungrateful patients, being increasingly hampered by the regulations imposed by the government, and dealing with insurance companies, who never quite wanted to pay for the services that their members had received. I considered Ryan to be very observant of the struggles which I had endured in my own medical practice and I applauded her choice of an alternative medical career. Being a physician assistant, or PA, would provide her with an opportunity to be directly involved in patient care and make a good living, while not having to deal with the aforementioned bullshit.

  She was the first of our kids to move out, and no father could have been prouder of his daughter. She was taking a full load of classes and maintaining nearly a 4.0 GPA while working as a cocktail waitress at Buffalo Wild Wings between 20 and 30 hours per week. She rarely asked for money and she didn’t bring home dipshit boyfriends. At least she hadn’t yet. Unfortunately for all of us, that was about to change.

  Chapter 14

  “Hi Daddy! How are you?” Ryan was calling from her car on her way to school. I was on my way to the hospital to start my Friday.

  “I’m fine, but I’ll be better when I see my oldest daughter coming through the door. I can’t wait to see you this weekend. I think I’ve started to forget what you look like and how your voice sounds. You should really come home more often.” It had only been three weeks since we had seen her, so she knew that I was full of shit, as usual.

  “Well, I’ve decided to take an actual interest in my family again, so we’ll have the weekend to get reacquainted. I’m planning on getting home right about the time you get home from work.”

  “How do you know?” I inquired.

  “How do I know what?” she asked, sounding hesitant.

  “How do you know when I’ll be getting off work, miss smarty pants? I shouldn’t have to remind you that I’m kind of an important guy! I save lives, you see. How do you know, for instance, that I won’t be stuck doing a cesarean hysterectomy this afternoon? You know those are very morbid and bloody procedures. We may have a bowel or bladder injury, so we’ll probably have to get an intraoperative consult from Urology or General Surgery. Come to think of it, it’ll probably be both. The patient will probably lose a couple liters of blood, so she’ll have to go to the ICU. We’ll have to watch her very closely to keep her out of shock. Oh, and she’ll probably be a Jehovah’s Witness, so blood transfusions will be out of the question, so it will be even harder to keep her alive. In fact, if I were you, I wouldn’t even plan on seeing your papa at all this weekend, much less plan on me walking through the door the minute you arrive. I can’t believe you think I can just call it a day when the clock strikes five, just like someone on the assembly line at General Motors. Jeez!” I love teasing my wife and daughters like this and I know that they are never even the slightest bit annoyed by me toying with them. In fact, I’m sure that they find my banter to be completely endearing.

  “Wow, you’re in rare form today,” she observed. “Too much coffee, maybe? So, mister important doctor man—when do you think you’ll be home?”

  “Oh, you know, probably about five thirty.”

  “Daddy!” she exclaimed. “You are impossible! I do love you, though. Besides, you’re always good for a laugh, even if you are a pill.”

  “Well, I’m glad to hear that. I don’t go to the trouble of coming up with a scenario like that for just anyone. Only my wife and kids deserve such creative wit.”

  “Creative wit, huh? Is that what we’re calling it?” she sarcastically inquired. Anyway, I’m almost at school, so can I ask you about something real quick?”

  “Real quick? You mean like a leopard or a dragster? I know a bit about those things, I guess.”

  “Daddy, stop it,” she huffed.

  “Okay,” I said. “Shoot.”

  “Well, I kind of met this guy who goes to UNT. I’ve gone out on a few dates with him over the last month, and I think we kind of like each other. He wants to meet the fam. His parents live in Canton and he is going home for the weekend, so I thought that maybe he could have him over for dinner on Sunday before we both head back to school. What do you think?”

  “Hmm,” I pondered, “that depends. I’m really not sure about guys who go to the University of North Texas, so that’s gonna have to be strike one, by my count. What’s his name?”

  “Brandon.”

&nbs
p; “Brandon? What kind of a stupid name is that? He sounds like a real dickhead. What are you wasting your time with him for? I can’t have a loser like that in my house. You understand, Ryan, that I have to maintain some type of standard.”

  “Daddy! Be serious, it’s almost time for class and you’re making me nervous. Now I’m going to have to pee before I go to class, you brat!”

  “Alright, then. Go ahead and tell him to come over for Sunday dinner. We should all be around, so he can meet the whole fam damily. Mi casa es la casa de tu amigo. Doesn’t quite flow like mi casa es su casa, but I guess it’ll work in this scenario.”

  “Sweet. Or should I say, dulce! Well, I’m off to class. Thanks, papa bear! Have a great day! Try to save some lives, but don’t get poop on you if you have to deliver any babies.”

  My kids knew all about the messy process of childbirth. Ryan had even ‘shadowed’ me on a couple of deliveries while she was considering her career in medicine. She had gotten a first-hand perspective on the fact that a lot of ‘stuff’ comes out, sometimes in a rather violent fashion, of all three holes in and around the vicinity of the birth canal as a baby is delivered. There is a very good reason that we wear booties up to our knees and surgical gowns from our necks down to our shins. If we didn’t, we’d have to shower off the blood, mucus, urine, shit, meconium (baby poop), and lots of other secretions and excretions. So, Ryan’s advice to avoid the ‘brown baby’ was based in the reality of childbirth, of which she had a good understanding.

  “Thanks, baby girl! Have a great day! Can’t wait to see you tonight, so drive carefully and get home safely.” Even though we joked around with the kids and harassed them a lot, Mandy and I always tried to finish the conversation with a reality check, acknowledging that being on the roads could be dangerous and letting the kids know that we never wanted them to take driving too casually.

  “I will,” she assured me. “See you soon, Daddy. I love you!”

  Chapter 15

  It had been a nice weekend so far. Mandy and I had always made it our goal to have a home where our kids would want to spend time and even bring their friends over, rather than running off to find something fun to do elsewhere. We had a nice pool with an attached hot tub, a sport court, a pool table, an exercise room, a bunch of TV’s with a myriad of channels to pick from, and of course, electronic gaming systems and all of the accoutrements. One of my favorite recreational outlets had been the Rock Band game, with its realistic controllers and equipment. I had upgraded the set to include the laser light show and smoke machine, which I felt added greatly to the experience, so I could ‘rock out’ with my proverbial ‘cock out.’ As awesome as it was, I had given up trying to get the kids to play with me anymore, much to my dismay. I mean, who doesn’t want to be a rock star? This game really brought the fantasy to life. When we hooked all the shit up and cranked up the surround sound, the whole house shook. Like with most ‘toys’ and most kids, our children tended to really get into an activity for a while and then move on, leaving their perpetual kid of a father with nobody to play pool, shoot baskets, or rock out with most of the time. However, the overall goal had been accomplished and our house was still the hang out for the kids and their friends, so we were able to keep an eye on them and know that they weren’t getting talked into doing something stupid while at a friend’s house, where other parents may or may not care what the kids were up to.

  Mandy and I had never second-guessed our strategy for keeping our baby birds within our nest for as long as possible. We were counting on the same strategy being effective in luring our offspring back home after they’d spread their wings and flown out into the world beyond their nesting grounds. From the time that Ryan had returned home on Friday evening, through mid-day on Sunday, we’d had a good visit with her and had heard a lot about how lame her classes were, how stupid her manager and co-workers were, and how cute her new boyfriend was.

  It was early afternoon and we were awaiting Brandon’s arrival while receiving the final debriefing from Ryan about what made this kid special and why we were all about to have the pleasure of making his acquaintance. According to her description, Brandon was also the oldest of four children. His parents owned a commercial glass company and, according to him and the standard of living which she had observed, they did quite well financially. He, like Ryan, was expected by his parents to hold down a job during school. The University of North Texas is in Denton, a college town approximately an hour north of downtown Dallas, where he lived in an upscale apartment, and worked as a bartender at Chili’s. Ryan reported that he made decent money there, but his late model BMW 3 Series car, his habit of shopping for new clothes and shoes at nice men’s stores rather than at Old Navy and The Gap, like most college dudes, and his American Express card, which he had freely used at fine dining restaurants and bars, had all indicated to her that he was on the dole from his parents.

  The two had met through a friend the previous month when Brandon had come to Dallas to go to a job fair at a large technology firm. He was finishing his MBA in business with some type of computer technology degree. It sounded like he might actually be employable, so I wasn’t going to be able to hate him based on being a loser. Like most fathers do, however, I would continue to look for something to disapprove of in this ‘Johnny come lately’ who thought he was good enough to date my daughter.

  Chapter 16

  The previously agreed upon arrival time came and went, and Brandon had not shown up. Ryan reported that he tended to be tardy, but that he was always worth the wait. I couldn’t help but consider this to be ‘strike one’ against him on his first trip to the plate during his season opener. Not the best start.

  About forty-five minutes after he was supposed to arrive, Brandon knocked on the front door. Ryan went to greet him at the door while the rest of the family remained seated in the dining room around the corner from the entryway. We’d been playing a card game called ‘Bullshit’ and had been planning to invite him to join us upon his arrival. As she opened the door, I could hear her say something to the effect that she was glad to see him, but had been getting worried about him being late, especially when she couldn’t reach him by phone. Ryan has always been a worrier about the well-being of those she is close to.

  Unfortunately for Brandon, we were all able to hear his reply echoing down the hallway. He clearly had no idea that we were all within earshot. “Listen,” he said, “it wasn’t my idea to swing this far out of my way, just to come to dinner and meet your family. You knew I had church today, so I don’t even know why you thought I’d be able to fit this into my schedule. It’s not my fault that I was running behind and it’s not my job to call you and check in as if you’re my parole officer.”

  Clearly this dipshit thought he could be an asshole to Ryan and not get turned right back around to exit the door through which he had just entered. He had not apologized to her for running late. He had not offered up any viable excuse for his tardiness. He had not even said anything indicating he was glad to see her before he’d launched right into his ‘asshole’ routine. We all exchanged knowing glances at each other as we waited for her to tell him to forget about the dinner plans and to—in no uncertain terms—get fucked. She was not the kind of chick who would put up with this kind of attitude from a guy she was involved with—especially one who was relatively new to her life. The good thing, I thought, was that I would not even have to lay eyes on this douchebag or pretend I was interested in meeting him.

  Surprisingly, however, we then heard Ryan lamely reply, “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to get on your case right away. I know it was my idea for you to come over. I’m just glad that you’re here and that you are safe.”

  “Jeez, Ryan. I’m not a child! I’ve been driving for quite a while now, so you don’t have to worry about me! I actually do get to where I’m going without my mommy around all the time,” he replied. Was Ryan really going to put up with this dickhead?

  “Okay, okay, I know.” “You’re a big
boy and you don’t need anyone worrying about you. Let’s go introduce you to the family. You do look really cute in your church clothes. I’ve been missing you so much.”

  I began wondering who this imposter was and what she had done with my daughter. Ryan didn’t take this kind of shit from guys she was dating. Or did she?

  This was going to be tough. My very first impression of this guy that he was a prick. Now I had to be civil and act interested in him over the course of my Sunday dinner. I was already resenting his intrusion into my life and, since I couldn’t conceive of a way that he would be a long-term boyfriend of Ryan’s, I questioned why we should even be spending the time and effort to get to know him.

  Our house has a long hallway leading from the entryway, around a corner, and then into the main living area of the house. This area had an open floor plan which included a large kitchen, a living room, and the dining room, which was where we were all seated. Without knowing the details of the floor plan, and considering the acoustics created by tile floors and ten-foot ceilings, one would probably assume that a conversation at the entryway would not be overheard by family members in the living area. This was Brandon’s second mistake—that I knew of, anyway. The first was speaking to my daughter in an unkind way.

  As Ryan escorted him down the hall, I could see that Brandon was, in fact, a very handsome guy. He was about six foot two, with dark brown hair, which he wore quite fashionably. He had a confidence in his gait which suggested that he had been a leader of his group of friends and colleagues as he’d grown up. He wore a tan pair of slacks, a dark blue blazer over his white polo shirt, and a pair of men’s boots which one could easily imagine being displayed in the front window at a fine men’s store.