My Love Regret

by Anna Antonia

  “It’s done.”

  No other details. No explanations.

  It was a bit anti-climactic. All the subterfuge with Risa and Gretchen was overkill as I’d suspected.

  I still hadn’t heard from my father but what else was new?

  I spent the evening celebrating my illusionary freedom when I decided a visit to my ex was in order. Cliché, sad, but true.

  “Welcome back, dear Gretchen. Did you enjoy your trip?”

  Wariness tilted her mouth for a moment. Her expression smoothed out.

  “It went very well. Better than expected. Please come in.”

  “Really? Well, that calls for celebration. Let’s break out the champagne!”

  Of course, Leon watched me with those damned cold eyes. What did he think I was going to do? Attack my good friend with drunken kisses?

  Gretchen didn’t experience nearly the amount excitement that I did. Instead, she looked worried.

  “Damian, what’s wrong?”

  “Wrong? Absolutely nothing.” I sauntered into her kitchen, confident that my very well-paid staff would ensure my supposed bit of fluff would have a stocked kitchen. Opening up the fridge, I saw what appeared to be my favorite brand of champagne.

  So thoughtful.

  I grabbed three flutes just to be polite. Leon never drank. He once said alcohol wasn’t a noose he wanted to find himself dangling from.

  Wise brother. So, so wise. I wished he had reminded me of that two hours ago.

  “Gretchen, sit down. Leon you too. You are both here in New York. My crisis is averted. Isn’t it wonderful?”

  She perched on the very edge of the couch, as if ready to spring up at any moment. Leon stayed right out of easy view. Strategic.

  “You seem to be in…good…spirits, Damian.”

  Caustic laughter burst from my throat. “Then you’re not looking hard enough, my dear, dear fairy. I am far from good.”

  Gretchen found the heart of my issue. “I heard that Risa is no longer working for you.”

  “Did you now?” I didn’t even attempt to hide the harshness in my voice. I welcomed it. “What do you think of that? I ran off my loyal, dependable, and long-suffering PA. Doesn’t that prove I’m a bastard? I think it does.” Popping the cork, I let the bubbles run right over my hand and onto the couch.

  Fuck the couch. Fuck this champagne. Fuck everything.

  “Damian, you’ve already been drinking too much. I don’t think you should have any more.”

  “Gretchen,” I sang while yanking my arm away from her. “I don’t need a mother. I’ve never needed one, in fact. I’m not about to begin with you.”

  “I understand you’re upset about Risa,” she soothed. “But you’re not helping matters by losing control.”

  “You understand? How can you possibly understand this, Gretchen?”

  I poured the champagne and handed a glass to her, keeping it in the air until she had no choice but to take it from me. I poured another glass and held it up for Leon.

  Or at least in his general vicinity. It was difficult to see considering there was actually three of him.

  “Leon, brother, don’t refuse your big brother a drink.”

  I expected Gretchen to be surprised by my confession. She wasn’t.

  Which meant…

  Unbelievable.

  Leon cracked. He exposed himself and me.

  Amazing. I couldn’t ever tell the woman I loved about who I really was, but Leon could tell the woman he guarded about us. In what universe was that remotely right?

  “You already know.”

  Her posture, ever regal, didn’t sway. “You’ve had enough. You’re welcome to lay down in the guestroom. We can talk tomorrow when you’re sober.”

  “No.” I threw back my glass and swallowed the contents in one gulp. Then I did the same with Leon’s. “I’m ready to speak now. I have plenty to say. And since you already know some of our secrets, I should go ahead and let you know more. You’re already in this deep. Why not?”

  Leon stepped forward, speaking in Russian as was his habit.

  “Damian, this isn’t the time. She doesn’t know what you think she does. Don’t say anything more or I’ll shut you up for the night.”

  Well, well, well.

  Was my little brother being chivalrous towards the lovely Gretchen? I didn’t think I’d ever see the day.

  Apparently, I said the words out loud in English. A blush crept across Gretchen’s fair complexion.

  I knew then.

  “You’re kidding. You and Leon?” I threw my head back in laughter. “That’s rich! The Dominatrix and the Ice King!”

  Leon growled my name and nearly yanked me to my feet. Even drunk I wasn’t about to allow him to do that.

  I pushed Leon off me.

  “Was it something I said?”

  I never suspected I’d be an obnoxious drunk. I never suspected I’d ever be drunk. Drunk men were weak. Drunk men let themselves open to manipulation, violence, and death.

  Drunk men were stupid.

  I was stupid.

  “Damian, I understand you’re upset. We’re all upset on your behalf.”

  “Now why would that be?”

  “Because believe it or not—we care about you. But you don’t have the right to take it out on us. We’re not the enemy.”

  Lovely, lovely logic. Why had I forsaken it?

  I didn’t have to lose Risa. I could’ve kept her by keeping my heart in my chest while I kept my dick in her.

  Wait. Or was it the other way around?

  I couldn’t remember.

  What I could remember was Risa’s smile. How lovely her voice was and how beautiful she was. How soft her skin was and how wonderfully small she was. I wish I’d carried her in my arms more. She fit there so perfectly…

  “Damian?”

  My head rocked back. I’d forgotten Gretchen was still there. What had she said? Ah, now I remembered.

  “You’re right. I don’t have the right to be angry. Everything went according to plans. However, I really don’t give a fuck. Do you know why? Because all of this doesn’t matter. Nothing I do matters without her. And I can’t have her. I’m the one who made Risa go away and I’ll never get her back.”

  “I don’t believe that, Damian.”

  “It’s true. I went too far. You have no idea of what I’ve done to her. How terrible I behaved to get her to leave. I hurt her so bad…”

  The recorded sound of her weeping replayed in my head. I’d never heard anyone cry like that before. Risa cried as if the one person she loved in the entire world died.

  Because I’m dead to her.

  I couldn’t take knowing what I’d done and why I’d done it.

  Being selfish was a thousand times better.

  “Gretchen, everybody gets their happy ending except for me. Do you know how difficult it is for me to realize that? Do you know how difficult it is for me to not have any control over the situation?”

  I slid off the couch and kicked the coffee table in the process. Leaning my head back, I felt the room dip and sway.

  “Risa will never know how much I love her. That is my punishment. I wanted to keep her safe, I wanted to keep all of you safe. I wanted to be a better man and do you know what? Even now I want to get on a plane and fly to Houston. I want to break down her door, kidnap her, and keep her prisoner until she loves me again. What kind of man does that?”

  “Wanting something and doing something are two different things,” Gretchen said softly as she got down off the couch and sat next to me. “You don’t have to feel guilty just because you love her.”

  I shook my head. Back and forth. Back and forth.

  Okay. Not a good idea.

  Letting out shallow breaths, I whispered, “Gretchen, that’s where you’re wrong. I absolutely should feel guilty for loving her. You have no idea how guilty that makes me.”

  She stroked my arm, patting my hand in a way that reminded me of Switzerland. If
only I’d been satisfied with what we had instead of wanting my little girl whose smile only became real when I let her love me.

  It wasn’t fair. I had everything in the world but I didn’t have Risa.

  As always, I sounded like a spoiled child when it came to her. I didn’t care.

  “Why couldn’t I have just loved you instead, my dear fairy?”

  “Because I’m not Risa.”

  The pain burned my chest. I couldn’t bear breathing. I needed my suffering to end.

  “Maybe we should start over again, dear Gretchen. We were good before. We can be good again.”

  A sharp sting flared against my cheek. It grew and spread wider with each second before I felt it again.

  And again.

  “Don’t you ever say that to me, Damian. It is beneath you to suggest it and it is certainly beneath me. Now you will apologize for insulting me, understand?”

  Fingering my cheek, I looked at her with drunken astonishment.

  “You slapped me.”

  “Yes. I did. I’ll do it again if you ever say such a thing again. Now apologize.”

  My gaze flicked to Leon. He’d come much closer, territorial if such a thing could be believed.

  “I’m not one your clients, my dear. Your command doesn’t have that kind of effect on me. However, I will apologize. Not because you told me to but because you’re right. I’m sorry for suggesting it. It was a moment of weakness. It won’t happen again.”

  Gretchen inclined her head like the queen she was.

  “Apology accepted.”

  The pain in my chest eased slightly. If only all things were easily resolved with words. If that were the case I could go to Risa and tell her I was sorry for being an ass. For being a lowborn piece of shit for making her cry.

  I’d apologize for thinking for one inebriated second I could move past her with Gretchen.

  “You’re such a good friend. I only just realized that right now.”

  “You’re only saying that because you’re drunk, Damian.”

  “No, that’s not true. You’re a good friend because even with our past you still managed to let me go and let me love someone for the first time. I don’t want to do that for Risa. I don’t want her to find someone else. I want her to belong only to me. Why am I like that?”

  Gretchen reached up and ran her fingers through my disheveled hair. “Because you’re a selfish man.”

  “I know. I always have been. Do you think I’ll ever change?”

  She smiled at me, much like I imagined Pandora’s Box would if it was human. There were mysteries lying there, ones I didn’t dare open.

  “I don’t think Risa would want you to.”

  My affection for her swelled into something akin to the love I imagined I’d have for a sister. If Elaine had ever had a child.

  Poor, poor Elaine. She’d been so busy raising and protecting me she’d never had the chance to have her own baby. And she never would.

  What else did being a Konstantinov rob a woman of?

  “You’re a saint, Gretchen.”

  “I’m not a saint, Damian. I wasn’t always feeling so generous towards you.”

  My mood swung dark.

  “I’m not a saint at all either. I don’t think I ever will be.”

  “I wouldn’t say that. Look at what you’re doing.”

  “Making a fool of myself?”

  “No, not at all. You love this woman and because of that love all you really want for Risa is to be safe and happy. That’s love, Damian. Wanting the best for the one we love even at the cost of our own happiness.”

  It sounded right and noble. Maybe I could aspire to believing that too.

  But I knew me. I knew it would only be a matter of time before I crossed paths with Risa again.

  I couldn’t guarantee that I wouldn’t end up finding some way to make her to stay with me again.

  That was why it was best if I never saw her in person again.

  “I’m not that kind of man. No matter how hard I tried. I just made everything worse.”

  “You love Risa, Damian. You’re sick with love for her. That’s not going to change. So go to her.”

  “I can’t be with her, Gretchen. Never. Ever. Ever. Ever.”

  “Why not?”

  “Because.”

  “Because isn’t a good enough reason.”

  “In this case, it is.” I raised my arm and pointed at Leon. “He knows what I’m talking about.”

  Gretchen looked over to my brother, brows raised in what looked like helplessness. Clumsily, I patted her leg. Somewhere along the way, Gretchen developed a streak of sentimentality. It was nice.

  I liked her this way. Not so self-contained.

  “It doesn’t have to be this way, Damian. You can still fix this. Go to her. She loves you. She’ll forgive you.”

  “No, not anymore. Risa doesn’t love me.”

  “Yes, she does.” Her words took on a desperate quality. “I understand you’re scared, Damian. You’re scared of letting go, of being vulnerable because of the secrets you have to carry. I get that. But if there is anyone you’ve let go for, it’s Risa. You’ve changed for her. You’ve let her in. Don’t ruin it now because you’re scared.”

  Oh, my brave idealistic fairy. She was so kind. Hurting people with crops, whips, and floggers just to help them. Telling stories to beasts just to give them hope for normalcy.

  So, so sweet.

  “There, there. It’s okay. I’ve accepted this is my life. I can’t have who I want. I’m not allowed. Never for me. My bloodline is all wrong.”

  She shook her head.

  “I didn’t understand what you said, Damian. I don’t speak Russian.”

  Ah. Rude me.

  I tried again, but the words come out in Portuguese.

  Hilarious.

  Arms suddenly lifted me up. When did Gretchen get so strong?

  “Enough. Call for his driver.”

  “No. I don’t want anyone seeing him like this. Put him in the guest room.”

  I was in the living room and then I wasn’t. How did that happen?

  Something cool hit my back.

  “No, on his side. Yes, like that.”

  I wanted to thank Gretchen for being so wise in not taking a chance I’d choke on my own vomit.

  Someone slipped off my shoes. I was sure it wasn’t Leon. He wanted to dump me in a car. Ice King prick.

  “I hate seeing him like this.”

  “It is the path he chose.”

  “No, it’s the path he thinks is right.”

  “Same thing.”

  My little brother was a hard one. A lot like I was…am…was…will be? I missed being cold. Everything made sense. A place for everything and everything in its place.

  “He loves her. He should be with her.”

  “Love isn’t a good enough reason.”

  “You would say that.”

  I couldn’t see Gretchen’s expression but I imagined just how haughty it was. My little brother couldn’t speak down to her and go unscathed.

  “I speak the truth. He knows it.”

  “You’re both wrong then. Give women more credit. We’re not fragile beings who have to be protected from the ugly things in life. Many of us have lived with ugly things and are stronger because of them. We have the right to make choices when it comes to love. She would choose Damian despite the truth.”

  “Risa is not you. You are not Risa.”

  I would’ve chimed in if I could but my mouth was currently broken. All I could do was listen.

  “He’s going to lose her if he doesn’t do something now. She’s not going to just sit there forever. She’s beautiful and full of love. Some man is going to see that and take her away from him.”

  “He’s already given her up. He’s accepted she’ll move on.”

  “Leon—”

  “Don’t argue—”

  “Wrong.”

  They both stopped talking. Gretchen came by my
side. She called my name.

  You’re wrong. I haven’t accepted Risa will move on. I dread the day when I find out she’s in love with someone else.

  “Damian?”

  Her fingertips touched my cheek and came back wet. My eyes were doing that more and more. It hit me most often when I was alone deep in the middle of the night. I wondered if it would ever stop.

  “Damian, you’re crying?”

  I would’ve smiled at the shock on her face.

  Instead, I closed my eyes and passed out.

  45

  DAMIAN

  Risa was in Denver now.

  She’d found an apartment in a nice building. She found a job. She didn’t use one penny of my money. Nor did she request a reference.

  I was waiting for it, eager to have any excuse or reason to contact her even though logically I knew it’d be the worst thing to do.

  Even though I got the message loud and clear when she’d left the cell phone I’d given her on Elaine’s plane. Something I received weeks after it happened.

  Risa robbed me of the chance of appearing to be a hero.

  She created a life all on her own. She didn’t need me at all. In fact, it was clearly obvious she didn’t want me to be a part of it in any way.

  Sick and obsessed as I was, I looked forward to seeing the pictures her security captured and forwarded to me every day on my private server.

  They became a torment. A pleasurable torment.

  Especially the ones seeing her going out each night, haunting the bars in search of companionship.

  My imagination went rife with shadowed, twisted imaginings. Gretchen was right. We suspected Risa wouldn’t take much time to replace me in her bed. A woman as beautiful as her? She could have any man she wanted any night of the week.

  Except me because I was the asshole who pushed her away. It would be a cold day in hell before I was ever granted forgiveness.

  I imagined she would make me pay. I lived in sick, nauseous anticipation of the moment when I would find that she had replaced me completely.

  I was better off pulling the assignment on her and putting Risa in a mental box labeled “Forgotten”.

  Self-preservation demanded it.

  Yet, not only did I continue surveillance, I increased it. My fixation on Risa had crossed over into unstable.

  There was no logical reason for me to do this. Officially, I was in the clear when it came to Konstantinov business. Gretchen had already left New York, presumably heading back to her regular life. Leon stayed behind for a few weeks before disappearing as quickly as he showed up.