My Love Regret

by Anna Antonia

  “That wasn’t hush money. If it was he would’ve made you sign a NDA. He didn’t make you sign anything, did he?”

  “No. He was sloppy. He opened himself up to a nasty bout of litigation. Sexual harassment is against the law and what we did that night could definitely fall under the definition.”

  Elaine gave me a thin smile. I realized then that it sounded like I was dangling a threat for blackmail.

  I rushed to explain, “Not that I had any intention of doing that. I promise you I did not. No matter what, I would never do that to him. Even if I wanted to hurt him I would never do something like that to Damian. What happened between us is staying that way. Between us. No one else. Especially not the court system.”

  “I know. That’s the only reason why I tolerated you.”

  Tolerated me?

  Taken aback, I didn’t know what to say.

  “Don’t misunderstand me, Risa. I am very fond of you. More than I should be. But you must understand my alliance and allegiance has always been to Damian. I have and always will put his interests ahead of my own or anyone else’s.”

  I didn’t like the sound of where this was going. It made me nervous, as if she was about to impart some deep dark secret, one I had no business hearing.

  “You’re a very good mother. Anyone could see that.”

  She smiled. “That’s very kind of you to think, Risa.”

  I abruptly fell into an awkward silence. I didn’t know what else to say.

  Elaine only tolerated me. She’s making it sound like I was damaging to Damian.

  “Risa, you must know Damian was and is a man of singular focus. Emotions do not hold sway over him. He’s very logical. Not given to self-doubt. Apparently all that changed when he met you.”

  I guess Elaine didn’t like me as much as I thought she did. That hurt.

  “And then he moved on with his life. End of story.”

  “Not quite. I asked this already but I will ask it again. You still love him very much, don’t you? Tell me the truth, Risa.”

  I wanted so badly to deny it, to convince this elegant, beautiful woman that I no longer loved her son.

  I couldn’t.

  “Yes, I do. Very much.”

  She nodded, already confident of my answer.

  “I know this situation has been incredibly difficult for you. Confusing to say the least. I really wanted things to work out between you and Damian. He wanted you and because of that I wanted him to have you.”

  It may have sounded strange but I understood her completely. I imagined I’d feel the same way if I ever became a mother.

  “These things can’t be helped. Damian loved me once but he doesn’t anymore. For him it never happened. He can’t help how he feels about me. It’s best for me to move on and him to continue as he was.”

  “You put too much stock in what he says rather than what he does.”

  “I’m in Denver for a reason, Elaine,” I retorted dryly.

  “Yes, that is true. However, it doesn’t mean Damian has no feelings for you. He is suffering over your absence.”

  My tummy flipped. Joy tingled throughout my body. Then my cynicism came in to save me from being a gullible fool.

  “I don’t believe that. He pushed me away, Elaine. Viciously. And more than once.”

  “He pushed you away because he believed it to be for the best. The more he pushed you away, the more he wanted you. Imagine what it means now that you’re more than halfway across the country from him.”

  I didn’t mean to snap at her but my emotions ran away from me. Hope was desperate to bob to the surface of my discontent and I couldn’t let it.

  “Stop! Please just stop. There’s no point in you telling me this. Any of it. My life with Damian is over. It’s been over for a long time. It ended when he left me in France. I held on for too long and now I’m just starting to put together some kind of life for myself.”

  Elaine regarding me, cool blue eyes searching past my anger and panic.

  “Damian is a complicated man. As you would know considering your reason for being in France.”

  Embarrassment erupted. Did Elaine suspect or worse, know, what had occurred between me and Damian there in his mansion?

  “Yes, I saw the things that were left behind. I disposed of them. No one else will know what happened that weekend.”

  I started stammering. “I d-don’t really know w-what to say but everything that you saw wasn’t—”

  “As it seems? I believe it was. However, it is not my concern. Damian’s tastes are his own business. Your participation in those events are also your business. I merely bring it up because your devotion to him wasn’t just because of those experiences, were they?”

  I shook my head, unable to say a word.

  My God, what must she think of us?

  “So you see, Risa, Damian is complicated. Your relationship with him is also complicated.”

  I didn’t want to hear it. We didn’t have a relationship. Not anymore, not ever again!

  “There is no relationship. We stopped having any chance of one the moment he started back up with Gretchen.”

  God, the rage and hurt pounded relentlessly over me. I seethed with the urge to pick something up and smash it against the wall. Anything to release me from the poison festering inside.

  “Are you strong enough to love Damian even if you don’t always understand his actions?”

  “No!” I shoved my hand through my hair. “I am not going to take the blame for this! It has nothing to do with strength! I am not going to keep after a man who bullied, degraded, and neglected me. There is a limit to what I’ll take and Damian went way past it!”

  “Really? You said it yourself. You’d still be there if he hadn’t forced you to leave.”

  Apparently, cruelty ran in the family.

  “Elaine, what do you want from me?”

  “Did you know I’m not his real mother?”

  I couldn’t believe it. She said it in the same tone one would use to say “Can you pass the butter?”

  “He’s adopted?”

  “As a matter of speaking, yes.”

  “Does he know that?”

  “Yes.”

  My mind busily tried to put the pieces together. It would explain why Damian was emotionally closed off, at least outwardly. Perhaps he never felt like he belonged anywhere because of the adoption.

  I imagined how difficult it must be to not know your mother or your father. To not have that connection with your roots or your heritage.

  “You are tenderhearted, Risa. You worry about him even now.”

  “How did you—”

  “How did I know? Everything you think and feel is there on your face. It is probably one of the reasons why Damian is so taken with you.”

  Although her words seemed to be praising me, I couldn’t help but feel that I had inadvertently been insulted. Made to sound weak.

  “I am not like you or Damian or your husband,” I replied stiffly. “I don’t have that kind of strength to hide what I really feel.”

  “I realize that. Your strength lies in something else. Being that you are an exquisitely emotional woman, you must realize that everything you see is not always the truth, especially when it comes to Damian.”

  Elaine was making a hard case for her son. Granted, she might not be his birth mother but she was devoted and clearly loved him. That made her his mother. I had no doubt that she would rearrange the world at a moment’s notice if it would make him happy.

  But she couldn’t fix this. My relationship with Damian was over.

  Hope, stupid, pitiful hope pushed harder. I had to kill it or risk undoing all of my hard work.

  “Elaine, I didn’t leave him because things got hard or because he wasn’t sweet enough to me. I didn’t leave him at all. He opened the door and I simply walked out because I had no other options. Damian didn’t want me there anymore. He didn’t want me.”

  “I understand that. I’m not critic
izing you for being here in Denver. I simply need to you understand.”

  “Understand what? Are you suggesting I go back to New York and try to win him over?”

  “There is nothing for you to win over, Risa. What Damian does is not a matter of whether his affection for you is strong or weak. Damian fights a battle within himself. You are the reason and the victim.”

  My head throbbed. This was too much. I hated Damian with all the fire of a rejected first love.

  I did, didn’t I?

  You know the answer to that. And you don’t like it. That’s why your head wants to explode.

  I sprang up, feeling like a cork about to pop. “Again, why are you telling me all of this? Why now? Why not back right before I left New York?”

  “Because Damian is here in Denver.”

  This time the feeling completely went out of my legs. I collapsed back onto the sofa.

  “Why?”

  “For you, Risa. Why else?”

  48

  DAMIAN

  What the fuck was I doing here in Denver?

  I’d completely lost my goddamned mind.

  You know why you’re here.

  Risa.

  Always Risa.

  My logic convinced me it was safe to see her now. I could apologize for the indelicate approach I’d taken in New York. We could go out to dinner.

  Be civilized. Friendly.

  She’d smile at me, falsely to be sure, while asking about my business and health. I wouldn’t tell her about the damned headaches I’d had every day since she left New York.

  I’d pretend I was fine.

  I’d have her show me the local sights. We’d walk the districts, popping into a bakery shop for her favorite sweets. Soon enough I’d put my hand on her back and then her waist.

  Risa would lean into me. I’d hold her tight as we walked to my car. I’d drive her to her apartment where she’d invite me in.

  We’d sit in her living room, making small talk, and then once we satisfied polite customs, then we’d let our real selves out.

  I’d strip her naked and kiss her senseless. Then I’d hold both her wrists in one hand and bend her over my lap. I’d spank her for each infraction she incurred, starting with believing me that last night in New York.

  Once I disciplined her, then Risa would cuddle against my chest. I’d kiss her again, praising her for being my very good girl, while wiping her tears away. Then I’d tie her up and fuck her hard right there on the couch before moving into the bedroom.

  Risa would drip come for hours once I was done with her.

  Then I’d put her on my plane and install her in my penthouse where she belonged.

  Cue the happily-ever-after.

  Of course, I didn’t account for this particular aberration.

  Why the fuck didn’t I get here yesterday? If I had Risa wouldn’t currently be standing in front of her building with that asshole Steve Holland.

  Violence uncoiled. Aggression made my fists clench and my jaw strain with tension. Watching her beautiful face soften with joy as she spoke to him drove my heart against my chest.

  This wasn’t supposed to happen.

  Risa wasn’t interested in Steve. She’d kept him at a distance. She didn’t want him. Either the mole was incompetent or Risa had a miraculous turnaround.

  So why?

  Furious, I felt myself hanging on by a frayed thread.

  Steve leaned down for a kiss. I nearly flung myself out of the car when I saw this. Risa quickly turned her face to the side, giving him her cheek. My hand slid off the door handle.

  I battled for control. I couldn’t let my emotions rule me like this.

  Control. Logic.

  Murderous intent instructed me to reach for the gun strapped to my ankle. I knew what to do, could see it clearly in my mind. I’d get out of the vehicle, calmly walk up to them, and shoot Steve Holland in the head and the heart.

  My hand burned as if the cold metal was already there in my palm.

  I deliberately leaned back in the seat. I didn’t question I was possessive by nature, and obviously obsessed over Risa, but this murderous intent wasn’t an emotion I knew.

  It was unstable, making a mess of my mind and control.

  You don’t have to kill him to make him go away. Surely there are different points to push on him. Family. Career. Greed.

  And there was the simplest.

  Beating him and making sure he’d never, ever approach Risa again.

  That option appeals to me greatly.

  Even if I chose the lesser of evils by going on a rampage and punching Steve in his face before stomping him into the ground, I’d win the battle but lose the war. Risa would hardly sidle up to me and coo, “What a big strong man you are!”

  She’d look at me like I was a monster.

  And I would be.

  But hell. Maybe it was already too late.

  I was here and Steve was in my way. I’d need to remove him as I would any other obstacle. Whether Risa approved of my approach meant little in the short-term as long as I made her mine.

  I watched with hate-filled eyes as he turned away from Risa and walked down the street. The devil in me purred, “Take Risa away from here. Right now. Regardless of what she says.”

  I reconfigured the scenario. My plane could be wheels up within the hour. I’d take Risa off the street, send her surveillance in to pack up her apartment, and disconnect every single one of her ties to Denver.

  I’d take her to my mansion in France. It was remote. There I’d seduce her back into loving me again. And this time I wouldn’t fuck it up with delusions of being a nice man.

  She’d have two choices—easy or hard. It wouldn’t matter much to me as long as she submitted.

  A malevolent smile slashed my mouth. I’d played with Risa enough that last night to know she liked pain to score her pleasure.

  The possibilities were infinite.

  Swinging my attention back to Risa, I saw she held her hand up in a wave. A small smile played on her lips.

  She was happy.

  Being with that man made Risa happy.

  My dark plans turned to ash.

  I also had a choice.

  Leave Risa to her newfound happiness.

  Or stay and rain hellfire on her life and make her hate me more than she already did.

  49

  RISA

  Damn Elaine for leaving me in this mess.

  I would’ve rather been blindsided by Damian just showing up than stuck with indecision.

  Pacing back and forth, I eyed the card she’d left behind like it was a snake. Damian’s hotel and suite number was scrawled on the back. I knew where it was.

  “Go to him first. Don’t make him come to you. You’ll hold the advantage that way.”

  What advantage could I possibly hold?

  If I went to see Damian now he’d know how much power he held over me. My God, wasn’t what I suffered because of him enough?

  No way could I open myself up to Damian’s kind of rejection. I was a masochist for him, but not that much of one.

  Faster I paced, working myself up into a frenzy. I mean all I had to do was think about New York. I’d worked my ass off to please Damian. I was there with his goddamned breakfast every morning…

  And he brought you brownies, cupcakes, or cookies every night.

  True, but only after he spent the night socializing all over town with Gretchen. He was merely feeding his neglected pet.

  And you were the first one he came to afterwards. You’re the one he spent the most time with.

  Only because we worked together. Which, he completely abused with his moodiness, insults, and micromanaging…

  He kept watch over you, helping every time you needed it. All without asking. And don’t forget how he made sure you were fed and rested.

  Yeah, but only because I was a tool he didn’t want to break.

  But what about the times he just wanted to spend time with you, outside of work?


  There were the little moments. Like when he joined me on the couch to watch documentaries about dinosaurs. Or the time we played UNO one rainy Sunday afternoon. And then there was that one evening he went to the bookstore with me…

  Okay. Three times in three weeks. Whoopee!

  I stopped pacing long enough to pick up the card.

  What if I went to Damian’s room? I mean, he was here in Denver for a reason. I wasn’t privy to all of his holdings, but I knew enough to know he didn’t have a presence in the city. That was one of the main reasons why I came here to begin with.

  Turning the card over and over, I resisted the impulse to crumple it up.

  “Because I didn’t want you to be the one I regretted. I don’t want you to be someone I see years from now in a bar, making small talk about how great things turned out, all the while feeling as if I were cheated out of our life together. I won’t accept that.”

  The memory of his words overwhelmed me. Damian refused to let me go, to let me run away from what he knew was the best relationship either of us would ever have. Even though his methods were clearly unorthodox and highly illegal—he loved me enough to fight for us.

  My anger seeped out. I collapsed on the couch, cradling my head as I thought about my last weeks in New York.

  I did what comes natural. I ran away before taking a chance of losing. I quit long before Damian pushed me away. I’d been giving up a little bit at a time, steeling myself for the day when it came to an end. I didn’t believe in Damian.

  Bullshit.

  He disposed of me like garbage. What came to an end was my usefulness. He got rid of me, like I always feared he would. I displeased him, stepped out of line, and earned myself a callous dismissal.

  But he’s here now. Elaine says it’s for you. Don’t act like you’re not hoping it’s true.

  I blew out a shaky breath. Nervousness slicked my palms. Showing up unannounced was ridiculously scary for me. I didn’t think I could take another rejection from Damian.

  But…

  I looked at the card again.

  What if he did come out all this way for me? What if he realized how much I meant to him?

  All I’d wanted since the moment Damian first asked, “Who are you?” was to belong to him again. For him to be mine just as much I was his.