Without You

by Julie Prestsater

  We met in high school. He was a sophomore when I was a freshman. I didn’t pay much attention to him. I thought he was weird, wearing combat boots and Buddy Holly glasses. To me, he was trying too hard to be different. The cool guy with the guitar strapped on his back and a beanie covering his messy hair.

  That was until he read a poem in our creative writing class. It was about a flower blossoming. A daisy to be exact. He compared it to puppy love...cute, sweet, and innocent. He looked at me the whole time he was reading it aloud, standing in front of the class with an old school composition book in his hands. His gaze never left mine and I couldn’t look away if I had tried. I was hooked, addicted to the soft melody of his voice, the intensity in his eyes, and if possible, so quickly, his soul. If that was what puppy love was, I wanted it.

  “Did you like it?” he had asked me, when he slid back into his desk chair right next to me. Before then, he had never spoken a word to me, so it caught me off guard. I was in ninth grade; boys did not talk to me. Especially older ones.

  But he did. And he had asked me a question and I had no idea how to answer.

  “Yes. I did. It was sweet.”

  “Like you, Sunshine.” He had smiled at me. It was the first time I witnessed that grin and if he hadn’t wanted my heart, it didn’t matter. It was his for the taking; all he had to do was ask. “Sweet and innocent, just like a daisy in the sunshine. You brighten the room.”

  I remembered feeling uncomfortable, not knowing what to say next. So I didn’t say anything. The bell rang and I got the hell out of there as fast as I could. Before I did something stupid like tell the boy I loved him, wanted him. Impossible given I had only ever said six words to him.

  That was just the beginning. I soon came to find out all about the guy in Doc Martens who didn’t go anywhere without his composition book in one hand and an instrument in another. It didn’t take me long to figure out that Evan wasn’t weird at all, he was just different. He was passionate. As I look back, he was more passionate at fifteen than most grown men I knew.

  Ugh. I flopped myself down on my sofa, hoping that my hot tea might be able to do something to calm my foul mood. I didn’t want to think about Evan or our past. Our past...well, it was in the past. It was history. Something I let go of a long time ago and I had no interest in drumming up all the memories that had taken me the last three years to get over after I lost him. After he walked away.

  EVAN

  After raiding the closest convenience store, I pulled into my driveway just after midnight. I spent the rest of the evening watching Railroad Alaska, eating Snickers and Reese’s Pieces, thinking that living off the grid didn’t sound like such a bad idea right about then. I still couldn’t believe I saw her. My sunshine. My Maddy. When our eyes met, I swear my heart did a backflip and my pulse quickened to life-threatening speeds. She looked gorgeous with her long, dark brown hair flowing in loose waves at her shoulders. Her brown almond-shaped eyes sparkled back at me. I was at a loss for words, but all I wanted to do was run after her. When I got backstage, a crowd of fans had already tracked me down and I had to do what I always did. I shook hands, posed for pictures, and signed autographs. By the time I got out of there, it was too late.

  She was gone.

  Luke and Genna were still at their table, though. They stayed to watch the rest of the performers, knowing that I would come by to say hello. They were my friends and I planned on calling them. I always did when I came back into town. I just had a few things to work out before I did this time. The song was one of those things.

  While I was happy to see them, I really wanted to talk to Luke alone. I had to know who was with Maddy. I didn’t know a thing about that guy and I already hated him. I could have punched him in the jaw if given the chance. It was no secret she was dating. My old connections always kept me up to date on the comings and goings of Madison Grey. Luke rarely mentioned her, probably held to some girl code because he was engaged to Maddy’s best friend.

  We had been like the four musketeers in college. We still would have been if Maddy hadn’t pushed me away. Now, Luke and Genna were getting married and Maddy and I hadn’t spoken a word to each other in years. Conveniently, we never bumped into each other when I was back home, even though we did share the same friends.

  I always thought we would’ve gotten hitched right after high school. Not for lack of trying on my part. I asked my sunshine to marry me at least once a week from the time we got together till the time we split apart. She always thought I was joking, but I was deadly serious. I loved that girl with all my heart. I still did. I would’ve married her that second if she would’ve had me.

  My stomach turned, leaving a sick taste in my mouth. I probably shouldn’t have eaten so much junk food when I got home. It was as if a teenage girl jumped into my body and craved chocolate to cure my heartache. It felt good at the time, to just pig out and watch TV, but the feeling didn’t last long. I woke up feeling gross and needing Pepto.

  A ringing sound broke into my thoughts and it took me a while to figure out it was the house phone.

  I stood and went to the coffee table where the cordless sat since the last time I had been home months ago.

  “This is Evan.”

  “Mr. James, this is John at the gate. Mr. Luke Harte is here to see you.”

  “Send him through.” Living in a gated community had its perks. It left little room for surprises, like people dropping in unannounced or paparazzi taking an endless amount of pictures. They got enough of those when I went out. I didn’t need photos of me in the privacy of my own home.

  A few minutes later, Luke was on my doorstep.

  “Hey, man.” I held out my hand and stepped into a bro hug. “It’s been too long.”

  “You bet your ass.” He came inside and made his way to the great room, eyeballing my video games. “I haven’t played Madden since the last time you were here. Genna gets all crazy when it comes to video games. She says I’m addicted and she doesn’t like to be ignored.”

  I laughed, thinking about Gen. She could be crazy sometimes. “Let’s play then.” Playing some PS3 sounded a lot better than staring at each other talking about my ex-girlfriend. Just saying the word ex made me want to hit something. It was a term I never thought would be associated with Maddy.

  We were well into the first quarter of our football game before Luke brought up the night before. “Crazy night, huh? I still can’t believe we all ended up in the same bar.”

  “I can’t either.”

  “Genna thinks it was fate.” He rolled his eyes.

  “She would.” The girl wasn’t even there and she had me cracking up. She was a funny one. There was no way they knew I was going to the bar. Hell, I didn’t even know until I was parked, staring at the steering wheel with the song’s melody playing in my head.

  “I guess I kind of agree.” Luke, obviously distracted, said, “Look, last week, my brother called and had to back out of my wedding. His wife is on bed rest and could go into labor early, so he can’t leave town.”

  Luke was nervous. He needed to say something but was stalling at that point.

  “I’m sorry, bro. That has to suck. Let me know when Lisa delivers so I can send them something.”

  Luke nodded. “That would be cool. I’m sure they’d appreciate it. But that’s not all.”

  Noticing his worrisome tone, I asked, “What is it, dude?”

  “I need your help in a big way. I have a huge favor to ask?”

  My friend appeared anxious and I couldn’t understand why. He had to know I’d help him with anything in any way I could. “Done. Whatever you need.”

  “I need a best man, Ev. Can you do it? My brother’s still unsure if he can make it and, well, you’re still my best friend.” He leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees. “What do you say?”

  A million questions ran through my mind. Most of them concerned my sunshine. Well, not mine anymore. But dammit, I’d always think of her as mine. Before I answ
ered Luke, I paused the game and tossed the controller on the ottoman beside me. I needed time to think about how best to respond.

  “As much as I’d love to, that’s one thing I don’t think I can help you with. It was going to be hard enough being a guest at your wedding, but to stand beside you while Maddy is at Genna’s side, I couldn’t do that to her.” Or to myself either, for that matter. Every wedding ceremony I had ever been to reeled through my head, and at every one, the best man and maid of honor walked back down the aisle together. They shared a toast. Sat side by side. They shared a dance even.

  Wait a minute. This might be my shot to speak to her. The room would be filled with love, romance would linger in the air and she couldn’t possibly throw daggers at me with her eyes when we had just witnessed our best friends vow to love and honor each other for the rest of their lives. It was perfect.

  “I’ll do it.” The words spat out of my mouth before I changed my mind. I reached across the coffee table and offered Luke my hand. “I’m honored, bro.” I may not have been his brother by blood, but he was right. We were best friends. If he needed something, I had to be there for him.

  He accepted my hand eagerly, smiling like a fool. A flicker of concern crossed his face. “What about Madison?” he asked.

  “She has obviously moved on, Luke. She should be fine. Besides, this isn’t about me or Maddy. This is about you and Genna and your wedding day. We’ll just have to deal.”

  “Thanks, man.” He picked up his controller and unpaused the game. “I appreciate it. Genna is going to be relieved. This is all going to work out.” He sat back, relaxing into my leather couch, and sighed. “For all of us.”

  If I hadn’t known any better, I would’ve said that Luke and Genna had something up their sleeves. Genna had never been one to mind her own business when Maddy and I were concerned. Hell, we had her to thank for kicking us in the ass to get together in the first place.

  We were on our third game of Madden Football when I finally got the balls to bring up the night before again. It could have been that Luke had beaten me the last two games and I was trying to distract him before he killed my ass again.

  “So who was that prick with Maddy last night?” Okay, I shouldn’t have called him a prick, but I couldn’t help it. The dude looked so uptight. He was probably an investment lawyer who was raised in a country club.

  I didn’t miss Luke’s eyes rolling back.

  “So you like him?” I joked. “Best buds?”

  He chuckled, shaking his head. “That was Michael.” He rolled his eyes again. “Michael Smith.”

  Michael Smith? Could he have been any more original? “Sounds boring.”

  “He is. He’s a total tool and I can’t figure out what Maddy sees in him. I would have paid money to see his reaction last night when she told him who you were.” Suddenly, Luke appeared amused.

  Still tapping on the buttons of my controller, my quarterback went for a short pass to my open tight end. “You think she told him?”

  “She probably had to. She reacted like a lunatic and there’s no doubt in my mind that he would question her about it. He’s wound super tight, and for her to react like that, it probably threw him off. She’s usually very prim and proper around him.”

  That didn’t sound like the Maddy I knew. She was my whimsical girl, wind flowing through her hair, bouncing barefoot through the park with an ice cream in her hand kind of woman. Prim and proper was never a description I would have used for her. She was the one who could brighten my day with the gleam in her eyes and the tiniest of smiles.

  “He doesn’t seem like the type of guy who would care. I’m her ex-boyfriend and he’s hers now.” Fuck, just saying that made me cringe.

  “He’s the reason why we don’t advertise you’re our good friend. He’s the type of guy that would go all fangirl on your ass and try to exploit you for his gain.”

  I had always been proud that my friends kept our connection under wraps. They could have easily thrown my name around for whatever reason, but they didn’t. Unless you were in our circle in high school or college, you wouldn’t have known I existed to them. It made it easier for both sides.

  With that, Luke’s corner picked off my QB and returned the ball for a touchdown. Maybe I should have kept my trap shut. Looks like the chatter was distracting me more than it was him.

  “Fuck.” I turned off the game and fell back resting into my chair. “You’re a liar. You’ve obviously been playing. I’ve never even seen some of the plays you pulled out of your ass today.”

  He put his hands up in defense. “Well, maybe a little.”

  Faint chuckles filled the room. “Beer time? Play some pool?”

  Luke stood. “Tired of getting your ass handed to you so you want to remind me who’s boss?”

  We both laughed at that one. Luke was onto something. He could never beat me at a round of pool and I doubted that had changed much.

  “Yeah, I need an ego boost.” We headed toward the other end of the room where a pool table sat. The balls were racked and ready to be smashed.

  While I could afford it, I never felt the need to get a huge place with several rooms like many other people in the business. I wanted something more practical. I never would have considered living in the community if it weren’t for the paparazzi. If I hadn’t needed the security, I would have bought a house in the valley near my friends and family, where I grew up.

  Even though it still felt funny to consider myself as rich or a celebrity, I was forced to live with that crowd so I could maintain some semblance of privacy. Although my place was one of the smallest in the community, if not the smallest, my one-story home had four large bedrooms, a super sweet gourmet kitchen, five bathrooms, and a great room fit for a king, or a single dude who liked his toys. Instead of using the great room for all its glory, decorating it as it should have been with beautiful drapes and designer rugs and furniture, it was the ultimate man cave. Leather sofas, big screen TV to watch sports or play video games, pool table, stocked bar, and oh, a mini fridge filled with beer and orange soda.

  Luke examined the pool cues while I grabbed the brews.

  “Dude, you can inspect those all day and it’s not going to do you any good.” I tossed him a bottle and he caught it with one hand.

  “Watch it, bro. Madden may not have been the only thing I’ve been practicing.” He raised a brow at me, trying to hide his grin.

  Our game started with Luke doing a terrible job breaking the balls. I took a quick shot to bust them up even more, sinking a solid in the process.

  “So tell me how long Maddy has been with Michael Smith?” I asked, torturing myself with questions that I didn’t want to know the answers too.

  Luke appeared to be thinking. “A year or so. Maybe less.”

  “It’s serious then?” I questioned, my lungs feeling like someone was sitting on my chest.

  “I guess. She thinks it is. He does too. But anyone around them who knows her knows it isn’t real. She doesn’t love him even though she might tell you she does.”

  And that was all I needed to know. As long as she didn’t love him, I still had a chance. I had never been one to go after a girl who was with another man, but damn it, I couldn’t just sit by and let her get away this time.

  I came home for a reason. I came home for her. I was kidding myself to believe that my music could be enough. Or maybe it was my pride. She had pushed me away and I hadn’t wanted her to think I needed her when she didn’t need me. But, I didn’t care anymore. I was willing to shout it from the rooftops, from every stage in front of a sold-out crowd. I needed Madison Grey. I fucked it up before. I wasn’t about to do it again. I was ready to get my girl back.

  There were so many things I should have done. Should have said. And I hadn’t. I thought she would always be there. But then she wasn’t, and it almost killed me. Not that the world would have ever known that. I played it off really well, pretending to be the ultimate player in front of the cameras,
but then drowning in my loneliness behind the scenes. Music was nothing without my heart, my soul, my reason for being, and I needed to get her back.

  Luke broke my train of thought when he let out a hearty laugh. “Dude, where are you? I can’t believe you missed that.”

  Neither could I. The shot was perfectly lined up to sink two balls in and I totally shanked it, sent each one in different directions not getting either of them in a hole. “If we keep talking about Maddy and her new man, you might just win this one.”

  “Come on now, you guys have been apart for years. You can’t expect her to be sitting around waiting for your sorry ass to wise up and fight to get her back.”

  Leaning against the wall, I let out a growl. I reached up, scratching the back of my head and brushing my fingers through my hair. “Honestly, I wanted to fight for her the moment I left. I never thought it would go on this long. As time passed, it just got harder to step up and fight. I just hope I’m not too late.”

  A shit-eating grin spread across Luke’s face. “So you did come back for her? That’s what that song was about?”

  I didn’t respond with words, but I’m sure my eyes gave it away.

  “Genna was right. She’s going to flip her shit.” He laughed, a huge smile lighting him up. “All the tabloids have been saying you’ve been in hiding and they are expecting something big from you when you resurface.”

  Damn rags. I tried not to pay attention to them. “When the tour finished, I just wanted some quiet time. I went up to the cabin in Arrowhead and relaxed. My manager has been sending me offers for gigs and songs from other writers, but I haven’t been feeling it. The only song I’ve worked on is the one I sang last night. Sam said I would know when I was ready to get out there again, and I guess he was right. I was driving down Sunset and it hit me. I wanted to sing. I wanted to sing her song.”

  “And she heard it. Loud and clear.”

  “That’s just crazy.” I still couldn’t believe it. It was surreal to me that she had been there. Like a fucking romance movie. She was sitting there in the audience on the night that I finally decided to sing in public after months of seclusion. She was right there listening as I sang about her and all the “would haves, should haves, and could haves.” Like Luke said, she heard it loud and clear. “I just hope that she felt it, too.”