Addicted

by Zane

  As much as it hurt, I had to speak. “Week?”

  “Yes, you’ve been here in the University Hospital since last Friday. The night of your accident. Do you remember anything that happened?”

  I blinked my eyes because they were watery and glanced over at Marcella, who was sitting in a pleather chair designated for visitors. “I remember everything.”

  The nurse returned with a small pitcher of water and a paper cup. I gulped the water down gratefully. The needle of the IV hurt my arm a little when I held the cup up to my mouth. The doctor was about to drill me with a bunch of questions. I immediately told him I was too tired and insisted on getting some rest. He agreed. “We’ll talk later. It’s the middle of the night, and it would probably be better if Dr. Ferguson, your regular physician, talked to you anyway. He’ll be here first thing in the morning.”

  “Thanks.”

  Everyone cleared out of the room except Marcella. “How did you know I was here?”

  “Your husband called me the night of the accident and told me.”

  I was extremely hoarse. “Jason called you?”

  “Yes, he did. He told me about what happened and how you discussed the fact you had been seeing me with him.” She moved the chair closer to the bed. “I must admit I was surprised you told him about the therapy. You seemed so ashamed about having to seek help for your addiction. I was even more shocked you would walk out in the middle of traffic and try to kill yourself.”

  A single tear flowed down my right cheek. “At the time, Marcella, I didn’t think I had one reason to live.” She held my hand tightly. “In fact, I’m still not sure I have one.”

  “You have plenty of reasons to live. A lot has happened we need to talk about.”

  “Tyson told Jason about us, and now he hates me!”

  “No, Jason doesn’t hate you. He loves you very much. He and I have talked quite a bit this past week, and I can see why you adore him so. He’s a very special man.”

  “Yes, he is.” It suddenly hit me that Jason was nowhere in sight. I wondered why he wasn’t by my side if he really loved me. “Where’s Jason?”

  “He’s been here the entire time, Zoe. Your mother has been watching the kids most of the time, but Jason also hired a live-in sitter so she can come spend time with you at the hospital as well. I met your mother. She’s a sweetheart.”

  I was so ashamed. “Does my mother know? About everything?”

  “Yes, she does, and she loves you more now than ever.” Marcella continued to grasp my hand and used her other hand to rub my arm. “Don’t worry about a thing, Zoe. Everything is going to be fine. Jason wants to work out your marriage problems.”

  “He does? Are you serious?” Could it be my prayers had been answered?

  “Yes, he does. I convinced him to go home for a little while and spend some time with the kids, since you were comatose anyway. I told him I would stay overnight with you. The hospital allows me visiting rights around the clock since I’m a doctor.”

  “I see. Thanks so much for everything, Marcella.”

  “No need for thanks, Zoe. You’ve become much more than a patient to me. I would like to think of us as friends.”

  I managed a weak smile. “I would like for us to become friends. I would like that very much.”

  “We’re already friends, and friends we shall remain. Now get some sleep, and I’ll be right here if you need anything. Jason will be back early in the morning. I’m sure seeing you with your eyes open will be a blessing to him.”

  I drifted back off to sleep, and for the first time in a long, long time, I fell asleep not dreading what would happen when the sun came up. Marcella said Jason still loved me and wanted to save our marriage. Thank goodness my accident wasn’t fatal. Thank goodness I had a second chance with the love of my life.

  I slept like a baby for the remainder of the night. Just like Marcella promised, Jason was there when I opened my eyes the next morning. I was so relieved to see him. I was on my side, and he was behind me on the bed, also asleep, with his arm draped over my waist.

  I wanted to let him sleep, but I was anxious to talk to him. Having his arm around me was extremely comforting. At least I knew he didn’t find the thought of touching me repulsive. “Jason.”

  I tried to turn over to face him but had a hard time maneuvering with the IV in my arm. My movements jolted him awake. He opened his eyes. I had made it as far as getting on my back so I could look at him. “Hey, Jason,” I whispered.

  “Hey, Boo.” I took a survey of my hospital room and noticed the drastic yet pleasant change from the night before. There were helium balloons, cards, and flowers everywhere, and a huge red balloon with the words I LOVE YOU ALWAYS was tied to one of the safety handles of the bed.

  I started blushing. “Jason, did you do all of this since I went to sleep last night?”

  He brushed his hand across my cheek. “Yes— Marcella called me to tell me you came out of your coma, and I rushed over here. She told me to wait until this morning, but I couldn’t, so while you were sleeping, I raided the allnight drugstore down the street. It was after hours for the gift shop here in the hospital.”

  “You’re so sweet! Thanks!”

  “No, thank you for being alive and coming back to me. I was so afraid you were going to die when I saw that van hit you. I didn’t get there in time to stop it. It was all my fault you were out there in the middle of the traffic in the first place.”

  “Jason, none of this is your fault. I’m the one who fucked up, just like you said. I can’t believe you’re even here with me after all the things I did. I deserve to lose everything, and I’ll understand if you want to end the marriage. I don’t want you to stay just because of the kids.”

  He took my hand, spread my fingers open, and kissed them one at a time. “Zoe, I want you to listen to me very carefully, okay, and don’t interrupt, because I might lose my nerve and never get all the words out.”

  I turned a little bit more toward him so I could rest my hand on his thigh. “Okay, I’m listening.”

  “Before there were any kids, before there was any house or any business, there was me and you. As much as we hated each other the first time we met—and by the way, I still swear up and down you are exaggerating about kicking my ass.” We both giggled. “Anyway, as much as we despised each other at first, what eventually grew out of that was love, real love , and it’s the kind of love that never dies.”

  I bit my bottom lip to make sure I wasn’t dreaming. I knew that if I felt the pain, then I wasn’t imagining Jason’s words. My lip did begin to ache, and I was grateful for the pain. “I love you, Zoe. That’s why it hurt so bad when Tyson came storming into my office telling me not only things about you that I never knew, but also things I could never imagine you doing.”

  Tears starting running down my cheeks, and I wanted to tell him I never meant to hurt him. I wanted to tell him so many things, but he had asked me not to say a word, so I just listened. “Looking back on it now, all the signs were there. You did try to talk to me on countless occasions, and I always snapped at you. I can see that now. Dr. Spencer told me how you related everything to her about how we met, how we fell in love, and how things got complicated. She even told me you thought I looked sexy riding my dad’s old lawn mower with no shirt on. I never knew that.”

  He made me laugh again, and hearing the old version of Jason again was heartwarming, to say the least. “You see, the only side of this whole story I’ve ever been able to relate to is my own. I never knew your side of the story. I never knew the things that went on in your mind. Not until now.

  “Somewhere along the way, we lost something, and I think that something is communication. I promise you that you’ll never have to look for love and attention from anywhere else. Not ever again. You can talk to me about anything, and I won’t snap at you. I won’t say it’s immoral or disgusting. I promise!”

  He took his hand and gently started caressing my stomach. “As far as the aff
airs you had, I was very upset and disappointed. I have to be honest and tell you it may take a while for me to truly get over it, but I will. We can get past this because I realize you didn’t do it to hurt me, you didn’t do it because you didn’t love me, and I know you never loved any of them. When you told me you were sick that night, I didn’t believe you. Now, after talking to the doctor, I do think you did all of those things for reasons beyond your control.”

  Jason kissed me gently on my lips. “We’re going to get through this, and we’re going to save our marriage—no matter what it takes, no matter how long it takes. Dr. Spencer’s going to help us, and she has a friend down in Florida who’s willing to come up here and help us overcome our sexual issues. I love you, Zoe, and this is forever.”

  He got quiet so I added, “Always has been! Always will be!”

  We lay there, holding each other in silence, and something Jason had mentioned began to worry me. “Jason?”

  “Yes, baby?”

  “What did you mean when you said Dr. Spencer and her friend are going to help us deal with our sexual issues?”

  “Huh?” He had a perplexed look on his face.

  “You said our sexual issues, not just mine.”

  He stared at me, and his eyes got watery. “Yes, I did say that.”

  “What did you mean by that?” My heart started thumping loudly in my chest.

  “There are some things I need to tell you also, Zoe. There are reasons why it’s always been difficult for me to make love to you completely. Just know that it was never anything about you. It was never anything about your appearance, like you apparently thought. You’ve always been and will always be the most beautiful and amazing woman in the entire world to me.”

  I tried to prop myself up on a pillow using my elbows, but I was too weak. “Are you saying you cheated on me too, Jason?”

  “No, I told you I never cheated on you, and I haven’t. I’ve never even thought about it. I promise you that.”

  “Then what is it, Jason?” I wanted him to explain what he meant, because he was scaring the hell out of me.

  “Zoe, let’s just get some rest. I’m so tired. Running back and forth from the hospital and trying to keep up with everything else has drained me this past week. I’m just glad you didn’t fool around and die on me. After we get some rest and the doctors get here, we’ll get this all cleared up for once and for all.”

  He didn’t say anything else, and I didn’t bother him. I let him fall asleep with his head on my chest. I wanted to know what he meant, but decided to wait until the doctors got there, as he requested. All that time, I thought I was the only one with the sexual issues. While I knew Jason was not willing to experiment in bed, I never thought he had any real problems except for lack of creativity. Obviously I was wrong, and the road to recovery was going to have more twists and turns than I had ever imagined. We loved each other though, and our love was strong. If it could survive all the shit I had dealt it, then it could survive anything about Jason that might surface. As I drifted off to sleep, I whispered aloud to no one in particular, “I’ve survived my cheating. I’ve survived getting hit by a freakin’ van, and I will survive this too, so bring it on!”

  chapter

  twenty-seven

  Dr. Leonard Graham was a very handsome older man. He was full of energy, even after his flight in from Florida and fighting his way through the crowds and congestion at the airport. He looked to be about six feet even, with a bit of a tummy, nothing fifteen minutes on a Stairmaster for a couple of weeks couldn’t cure. He was caramel, with droopy yet sincere dark brown eyes, and his perfectly capped teeth gave him character. All in all, I liked him right off the bat. I got the feeling Jason did too. It would make it a lot easier for us to talk to him, since we thought he was cool. If some uppity, thinking-he-knew-it-all nucca had shown up instead, I would’ve had to tell Marcella all bets were off, friend of hers or not.

  A couple of days had passed since I first woke up from my coma. I spent them trying to recover from my injuries, which thankfully didn’t amount to much more than a few bruised ribs and a big-ass lump on the head. There’s a lot to be said for being knocked out for a whole week. Because I didn’t know what was going on, I missed out on the worst of the pain and had been so drugged up by the IV when I woke up, I didn’t have to deal with all of that. Whatever pain I missed, I’m quite sure it was nothing like labor. Jason had the nerve to suggest another baby. I told him his ass had better be joking—if I went through labor one more time, both of us were coming out of the delivery room on a stretcher.

  Jason was there around the clock, except for going home to shower and change. Dr. Ferguson, my physician, wouldn’t let the kids come visit, but Jason took instant photos of them every day so I could see their smiling faces. How foolish of me to try to kill myself and leave them behind! Jason’s partners were handling the firm, and as for my business, the same executives who covered for my ass after Brina’s death willingly stepped up to bat once again. I made a mental note to make sure to give them all a raise and extra vacation time with pay, once everything was back to normal. They more than deserved it.

  Jason and I never talked about whatever was lurking in his past again. We decided the best thing would be to wait on the actual therapy sessions. I was just glad he loved me, and I was beginning to understand the reasons why he didn’t just haul off and hit my ass or leave me. Somehow, Jason was able to relate to my illness, and it would all come out in the wash. The chickens always come home to roost.

  Well, the time had finally arrived. Dr. Leonard Graham, our savior dressed in a leisure suit and sporting a toupee, had arrived to mend the situation. Marcella was there in my room, along with Jason and my mother. Dr. Graham could only stay one day, so it was agreed that no matter how many hours it took, everything, and I do mean everything , was coming out.

  I knew I could handle it. After dealing with all my lovers, Marcella, Jason, and getting hit by a van all in one day, lying in one position on a bed all day was going to be a breeze. I was concerned about Jason, though. He seemed extremely uncomfortable, and I can’t say I blamed him. Most of the conversation would be about my sexual escapades with other people and the reasons behind them. My mother, I didn’t want there at all, but she insisted, and even though I’m an adult, disrespecting her wishes was not an option.

  So there we were, packed into my hospital room. Dr. Ferguson came in and gave me a once-over to make sure I could physically handle whatever stress might arise and one of the nurses brought in some extra chairs, a couple of pots of coffee, and a pitcher of ice water. I felt like a prisoner in the infirmary of a penitentiary about to give a deposition for a Mafia murder case. All we needed was a court stenographer and someone wearing a black jurist robe. The doctors had several memo pads with them, and tape recorders. When I saw the stack of notepads, I wondered who in the hell was going to be saying enough shit to fill them all up.

  Dr. Graham took the lead. “Now that we’re all gathered together here today, shall we begin?”

  I was expecting him to say, “Shall we pray?” He reminded me of an evangelist I used to trip off of on a local cable channel who claimed he could heal people. Once the one who was healed had thrown his crutches away or announced he could see again, the minister would quickly pass the collection plates.

  I had Jason sitting on the bed right next to me for moral support. It was more than likely we were both going to need each other to lean on throughout the ordeal. He held my hand, kissed me on the cheek, and attempted to reassure me. “Everything’s going to be okay, Boo. I promise!”

  “Zoe!” Dr. Graham blurted out my name, and all of a sudden I felt all eyes on me. “Marcella has filled me in on the majority of your case. I’ve also listened to the audiotapes and read her notes. She and I have had several phone conversations as well. She sent copies of everything to my office in Florida overnight express so I would be all caught up when I arrived.”

  I glanced over at my mother,
who looked like she might need a straitjacket before the end of the day. Her hands were trembling and she had terrible bags underneath her eyes, which probably could’ve been attributed to spending many sleepless nights worrying about me. She noticed my stares and managed a slight grin, which I returned.

  “However, there are some things only you can clear up for me, Zoe. As Marcella has probably mentioned, I’m quite experienced in the area of sexual addiction, and if you let me, I can more than likely help you tremendously.”

  “I would appreciate that very much, Dr. Graham.”

  Jason seconded the motion. “We would both appreciate-it, Doctor.”

  “You’re extremely lucky for a lot of different reasons, Zoe. Your suicide attempt failed, your mother loves you, your kids love you, and your husband loves you. I hope you’ll think about them if thoughts of suicide should ever arise again.”

  I cut him off because I wanted them all to know. “That won’t happen. No matter what, I’m in this for the long run. No more trying to take the cowardly way out.”

  “That’s good, Zoe. That’s real good.”

  Marcella was sitting in the chair beside him, looking like a college student trying to keep up with a professor. She was taking notes. I guess she was attempting to gain some worthwhile knowledge about an area she knew nothing about—sexual addiction. That made two of us.

  Dr. Graham took a sip of his black coffee and cleared his throat. “There’s something that’s been bothering me about this whole thing, Zoe.”

  “What’s that?” I asked, even though the whole damn situation was bothering me.

  “You talked to Dr. Spencer about a lot of things dating-back to childhood, such as sexual feelings and masturbation at a considerably young age.”

  I looked down at the blanket covering my legs. I was totally embarrassed. “I realize now that it wasn’t normal.”

  “No, it wasn’t, but what bothers me is why it happened. Do you have any thoughts on that subject?”

  “No, none. Maybe I was just born that way.”