Diary of a Super Spy (An hilarious adventure for children aged 7 - 12)

by Peter Patrick

  But then, my finger slips…

  Ka-zap!

  I fire the gun into the yard, but the neighbor’s cat steps into my shot!

  Oops.

  “Well,” Dad scratches his head, looking at the cat. “This could be a problem, Charlie. It seems that you have shot the cat and frozen her into a solid ball of ice.”

  “Sorry Dad,” I apologize. “I didn’t mean to do it. My finger slipped on the trigger. Sorry.”

  “Um… we’ll have to melt the cat out of the ice. And we’ll have to do it quick, before our neighbor gets home. Charlie, go and get your mother’s hairdryer. That might just work.”

  I slip the gun into my backpack, and race off to get Mom’s hairdryer.

  Actually, I wouldn’t mind if the neighbor’s cat stays frozen – she always steals my underwear off the washing line and then runs around the neighborhood with my jocks over her head.

  It is so embarrassing!

  But luckily for the cat, Dad is able to melt her back into the land of the living.

  Chapter 3

  Wednesday Morning

  Return to Zombie School

  As I walk into school on Wednesday morning, I notice kids running around everywhere.

  Everyone seems crazy, and they are all breaking the rules. Our school is usually like a zoo, but this morning, it is more like a wildlife safari range.

  There are students climbing walls, kids dancing the salsa down the corridors, and even children discussing the finer details of philosophy in the yard. Something strange is going on this morning, and I have no idea what it is.

  I go to investigate what is happening, but then I see the craziest sight of all…

  My friend Harley is breaking the rules!

  What is going on in this place?

  Harley is sprinting at full pace, and smiling happily. He is really enjoying running up the hallway.

  Harley is built like a brick – short, wide, and strong.

  To see Harley run is strange enough, but to see Harley run up the hallway, where it is forbidden, is outrageous.

  Harley loves the rules.

  He loves the rules so much that he has a poster on the wall of his bedroom with the school rules written on them. On top of that list is ‘No running in the halls at school,’ followed by ‘No climbing on the roof when wearing an alien costume.’

  They had to make that second rule because my classmate Terrance is convinced that he is an alien. He always climbs the roof at school and tries to talk to his alien friends. I think he even has a UFO in his backyard.

  Teachers make the craziest rules – like what is wrong with running in the hall anyway?

  We are capable people - it’s not like we are going to trip and hurt anyone.

  But as that thought goes through my mind, Harley’s foot hits a crack in the ground…

  Harley is a solid boy, and when he lands, anything in his way goes flying!

  Crash!

  Harley knocks over a group of four girls as he tumbles down the hall.

  I guess that is why we’re not allowed to run inside.

  “Wow,” I say to Harley as I help him up. “That fall must have hurt. You took quite a tumble, Harley.”

  “Oops,” Harley mumbles. “I’m really sorry everyone. I don’t usually run so fast. My foot hit a crack, and I tripped. I’m sorry!”

  “Why were you running in the hall anyway?” I ask. “You know that it is against the rules to run inside the building. It’s the first rule of the school. It’s what we are told every single day by the teachers – ‘No running in the halls at school.’”

  “I know the school rules, Charlie,” he says. “I have memorized all 240 of them. I can tell you all of them, if you would like.”

  “No thanks. But what were you doing?”

  “I was breaking the school rules,” he grins.

  “Why? I don’t think I have ever seen you break the school rules.”

  “Because there are no teachers at school today,” Harley says. “There is nobody here to tell us off for breaking the rules. We can do whatever we want, Charlie. Whatever we want. The rules don’t matter today.”

  “What do you mean there are no teachers? There must be some teachers here. School is about to start, and we can’t have school without teachers.”

  “There are some teachers – but they’re all substitute teachers!”

  “All the teachers are substitute teachers?”

  “Even the Principal.”

  “Really?” I question.

  It seems quite unusual for all the teachers to be away from school on the same day. Something weird is definitely happening.

  “What happened to all the other normal teachers? Miss Jackson, Mr. U. Lose, Mrs. I. P. Daily, or Mr. G. Whiz? None of them are at school today?”

  “Not one regular teacher is here today. I’ve checked every classroom, and the staffroom. I’m telling you that they are all substitute teachers.”

  “Don’t you think that’s a bit strange?”

  “Maybe,” Harley shrugs. “But so are farts. Think about that, Charlie. They are the expulsion of 59% nitrogen, 21% hydrogen, 9% carbon dioxide, 7% methane, and 4% oxygen out of your body. Weird.”

  “A little off topic there, Harley,” I shake my head. “So, where are all the normal teachers?”

  “They’ve all disappeared. Nobody knows where they are. But who cares? Without all the normal teachers, we can break all the rules! We can even eat in our classroom. Did you hear me, Charlie? We can eat in our classroom!”

  “Yep. Really going wild there, Harley,” I groan sarcastically.

  Harley laughs loudly while grabbing his sandwich, and walking into our classroom, “Woo! Look at me! I’m eating in the classroom! Woo!”

  “Wait, Harley,” I stop him. “Are you sure they are all substitute teachers?”

  “It sure is true.”

  “Then where are all the substitute teachers? Why are there no teachers in the classrooms?”

  “I heard one of them say that they are going to a meeting in the staffroom before the whole school assembly this morning. You can go and check for yourself. They are all going to be in the staffroom.”

  “Do you want to come with me?”

  “No way. I have a sandwich to eat. In. The. Classroom!”

  “Harley, I think something strange is going on here,” I say. “I don’t think all the teachers are sick. I think they have been kidnapped!”

  “Don’t be so silly, Charlie,” Harley says. “There is nothing strange going on. You worry too much, Charlie. Stop worrying and just enjoy today for what it is – a day of total freedom at school!”

  “No, Harley. I think it’s worse than that. And I’m going to find out what has happened!”

  Chapter 4

  Wednesday School Time

  Substitute Teachers Meeting

  Cautiously, I walk through the halls of our school, checking each classroom as I go.

  I look into Mrs. Brown’s class.

  The class is currently having a huge food fight with pies, cream, and hotdogs – yep, definitely no teacher there!

  I check Mr. Graham’s art class – they are currently painting their self-portraits…

  On the walls!

  No teacher in there either.

  And Miss Homer’s high-achievement math class… well, they are still studying math, even though there is no teacher. They love math. Last year, when the school was closed because of a snowstorm, they still came to school. But the school wasn’t open – so they studied math outside in the middle of a blizzard!

  Looking into Mr. Nelson’s 6th grade class, I see a soccer game happening – but they are using a backpack for the soccer ball!

  Mia, the prettiest girl in school, is playing the game. Mia is so nice and friendly, and loves to play sports.

  “Um, hi,” I blush when she sees me staring at her.

  “Hi Charlie,” she smiles sweetly as she hard-core kicks the backpack across the room. “How cool i
s this? There are no real teachers today. This is so awesome. We get to do whatever we want in school.”

  “It’s cool, I suppose.”

  “What are you doing?” she asks.

  “Um… nothing.”

  “Cool. Do you want to kick the ball with us?”

  “Um, I don’t think so.”

  “Come on. It’s fun kicking a backpack soccer ball in the classroom!”

  “I would like to, but I have to go and have a look at something. I really need to figure this problem out.”

  “What could be more important than having fun, Charlie?” Mia asks.

  “Nothing,” I shrug.

  “Then where are you going?”

  “I’m going to see where all the substitute teachers are and check what they are doing. I think something might be wrong with the real teachers,” I say nervously.

  “Why?”

  “Don’t you think it’s weird that all the teachers are missing from school on the same day?”

  “I suppose,” Mia shrugs. “It’s strange, but we should enjoy the moment. Things like this only happen once during our time at school, and we have to make sure that we take advantage of it. Don’t get all stressed out, just enjoy today. You’ve got to live in the moment, Charlie. YOLO!”

  “Yolo,” I sigh in response.

  Nobody else thinks that something strange is happening. I am going to have to figure this out myself.

  “Don’t leave, Charlie. You should stay here with me,” Mia says as I walk away from her classroom.

  “Something strange is happening today Mia, and I’m going to find out what it is.”

  “Ok,” she smiles. “If anything goes wrong, you make sure you save us, Charlie. You can be our hero! Hero Charlie!”

  Her entire class laughs at me.

  “Hero Charlie!” I hear them shout as I walk away from the class. “Save us!”

  Oh man.

  It’s bad enough that the school has gone crazy, but now Mia also thinks I’m a guy who worries about things too much!

  Today is not going well.

  Slowly, I make my way through the rest of the crazy kids in the halls, and finally, make it to the entrance of the staffroom.

  As I walk to the staffroom door, I hear the murmur of teachers chatting, but they sound a lot different to normal teachers.

  They sound more evil.

  Their voices are creepier and spookier than I have ever heard. And we have some frightening teachers at school.

  Like our science teacher, Mr. Scary. He’s totally scary.

  He likes to hide under the desks in our classrooms, and then jump out wearing a ghost mask when we are halfway through a test.

  He scares everyone.

  I poke my head in the door of the staff room to look at all the substitute teachers. They are all huddled together, and they all look a little bit strange.

  And wow – they smell bad too!

  Miss Zomb, my substitute teacher, stands at the front of the room with a notepad and pencil. She scribbles three things on the notepad and then calls out to the other teachers.

  “It is all going to plan,” Miss Zomb tells the other teachers. “Steps one and two have been completed. Step one: all the real teachers have been captured, and step two: we have replaced them as substitute teachers. Now it is up to us to complete step three.”

  “What is step three again?” one of the teachers asks.

  “Step three: capture all the children. With all the real teachers gone, there is nobody here to stop us. We will capture all the children this morning at the school assembly. Because there are no real teachers left, it leaves all the children to us. We are free to do what we want with them.”

  “What if the children fight back?” another teacher asks her.

  “They won’t,” Miss Zomb replies. “We have planned this perfectly. We will trick the children into the situation so that by the time they realize what has happened, it will be too late! It will all happen so quickly that they won’t have a chance to fight back.”

  “But what if someone else tries to stop us?”

  “Nobody can stop us! We are too clever, too slick, and too fast!” Miss Zomb laughs. “We have outsmarted everyone! By the end of today, all the children will be ours, and then we can move onto the next school for more yummy children!”

  “Hmmm… yummy children,” one of them says. “Yum, yum, yum. Yum, yum, yum.”

  “I can’t wait for the yummy assembly,” another mentions. “We will get all the children in one spot. Hmmm… it’s eating time!”

  “Yes… eating time. I love eating children. Especially the little ones,” another groans. “Ahhh… yum. The little ones. The little ones are the tastiest!”

  All the substitute teachers in the room laugh, but then one of the wigs fall off!

  What is happening?

  This seems like a planned attack on all the schools in our town!

  “Yummy children?” I whisper to myself so they can’t hear me. “Wait a minute… They are not teachers… They’re all zombies! And they are going to eat us all!”

  “What’s happening in there?” Harley whispers over my shoulder.

  “Harley? What are you doing here? I thought you were busy eating a sandwich in the classroom?” I ask.

  “I was eating a sandwich in the classroom! But I finished it. And I tell you, Charlie, that was the best sandwich I have ever eaten. Can you believe it? I ate a sandwich in the classroom! I’m so wild!”

  “You are so crazy,” I say sarcastically. “But we have a big problem, Harley.”

  “What is it?”

  “The teachers are all zombies!”

  “Zombies?!” Harley is surprised. “Are you sure? How can you tell?”

  “My Dad said that there was a group of intelligent zombies ready to attack our town, and I am sure that this is them. And the worst bit is, they are planning to kidnap all the kids in our school!”

  “How?”

  “I don’t know, but they are planning to do it this morning in the school assembly!”

  “Excuse me!” a zombie teacher says to us!

  Oh no!

  They have heard us!

  “Do not move, little children,” another zombie teacher says. “You need to come with us.”

  Two zombie teachers stand next to us - one with his hand on Harley’s shoulder!

  “Quick, Harley, run!” I shout.

  Quickly, I race away from the staffroom, but a substitute teacher chases me!

  I don’t want to get caught by this zombie teacher!

  My heart is pounding as I race down the hallway with my bag!

  I’m running as fast as my legs will go!

  The teacher is following me, and he is fast for a teacher!

  And really fast for a zombie teacher!

  Oh no!

  I look over my shoulder and see Harley still next to the staffroom door. He has been stopped by the other zombie teacher!

  Agh! My friend has been captured!

  “Hmmm… yummy children,” the zombie teacher says again. “Come back! Come back!”

  No!

  This is bad.

  Very bad!

  I race into an empty classroom, jump out the open window, and then run along the yard until I reach the hall entrance again. As I look over my shoulder, I see the teacher climbing out the window!

  Teachers aren’t supposed to do that!

  Back inside the hall, I look for somewhere to hide!

  I jump into one of the hall closets, and lock the door shut behind me.

  Quietly, I wait to see if the teacher has followed me…

  I can smell the teacher as soon as he walks into the hallway!

  Oh man, he smells bad!

  And he must be getting closer because the smell is getting stronger!

  I hide deeper into the closet and hold my breath, hoping he doesn’t hear me breathing.

  But as soon as I am hiding under one of the shelves, I hear the door start to sha
ke!

  He is trying to come in!

  No!

  What am I going to do? I don’t have anything to defend myself with.

  This is very bad!

  Crunch!

  The zombie teacher breaks the lock on the door!

  I’m terrified!

  A zombie teacher is about to catch me!

  “Come here, little child,” he mumbles. “I just want to talk to you. That’s what teachers do, they talk to children. Let’s talk, little child. Come here. Come here.”

  I hide under a shelf, hoping that he can’t reach me.

  “There you are,” I hear him say. “Don’t be afraid, little child. I’m not scary. I just want to talk about what you saw in the staffroom.”

  “No way,” I reply. “You said that you wanted to eat all the children!”

  “Don’t be so silly. What a silly thing to say. Teachers don’t eat children. Come here, and I promise I won’t eat you, little child.”

  Slowly, I creep out from under the shelf, but the zombie teacher moves towards me with his hands outstretched…

  “You look so yummy!” he says. “Come here, yummy child!”

  “Ahh!” I scream. “Get away!”

  As the teacher’s arms reach out to grab me - his pants fall down!

  In the second that it takes for him to look at his pants, I race past him, and back down the hallway!

  “Nooo!” I hear him yell after me. “Come back, tasty little child!”

  Quickly, I am out of his reach.

  I race down two different hallways before I turn around and check behind me.

  There is nothing behind me.

  Good.

  The creepy zombie teacher isn’t following me anymore.

  He must be too busy trying to find a belt.

  With my heart still beating very hard, I sneak into one of the empty classrooms and grab my cell phone.