Whisper To A Scream

by Trina M. Lee

  I was stupid to think it might not all catch up to me, but I’d cloaked myself in denial. As soon as Serene made an unexpected appearance while I was home alone, I knew things were bad.

  “I assume you know why I’m here,” he said by way of greeting. He slid into the seat across from me at the kitchen table and fixed me with a fierce stare.

  “Perhaps you should tell me anyway.”

  Serene clasped his hands on the table and regarded me with sympathy. “Willow, I’m here to deliver a warning. You must stay away from Christina.”

  Embarrassment warmed my face. I searched for the right response and came up empty. “I don’t want to.”

  “I see that. You know the laws. She wasn’t to know about us.”

  “That was Shya’s doing. He came to taunt me.”

  “Which he would never have done if you weren’t casually strolling about with a human woman, one that isn’t even your charge.” Serene spread his hands wide. “What are you hoping to achieve by spending so much time with her?”

  I had delivered similar warnings in the past. This was my first time receiving one. There was little I could say other than the truth.

  “I just want to be with her. I enjoy it. She sparks something inside me I’ve never felt before. I don’t understand it. I think I love her.” It sounded as ridiculous as it felt to say, but being honest was important to me. I may have done wrong, but I was above lying about it.

  “Temptation happens to all of us. I understand that. You must remember your purpose and be strong. You have a job to do.” Serene’s matter of fact tone didn’t imply understanding, though the knowledge that lurked in his eyes piqued my curiosity.

  Conflict with a brother was not an option. Besides, arguing was futile; it would do nothing but create bad feelings between us. I gave his arm a pat and smiled.

  “Don’t worry about me, Serene. I will not abandon my duties.” My intention was authentic. Now if he would just see that I had things under control and leave, I could shrug off the seriousness of his visit.

  Serene raised a brow, studying me in disbelief. “I don’t want to see you go past the point of no return with this. We can’t afford to lose you, Willow. I implore you to take care in this matter. You tread too close to making a mistake you can never take back.”

  I pressed my lips tightly together and shook my head. Nothing. I could offer him absolutely nothing in the way of reassurance.

  “Thank you, brother,” I said. “Your heartfelt concern means much to me.”

  He was gone without so much as a stirring of the air. I sat back in my chair and stared out the window. This warning had been expected, but I was unable to process it completely.

  The sound of the clock over the table ticking burrowed its way into my head. Each passing second mocked my human love and me. Her life was ticking away, and I was stealing time from her. It wasn’t fair. I’d kept telling myself I would give up Christina. It was a goal always just off in the distance, close enough to cause discomfort but far enough to make it continuously unreachable.

  I had to see her again. Just one more time. Just to say goodbye.

  Chapter Five

  I watched Christina from afar. Desperate to change the way I felt about her, I forced myself to witness that which I’d been avoiding. Knowing about Christina’s lifestyle wasn’t the same as seeing it. I had to face the raw truth that we were worlds apart.

  Moving unseen, I followed her from the escort agency to the diner where she met up with a man more than twice her age. They went through the motions of enjoying coffee and conversation. She was so engaged even I believed she truly cared.

  Christina’s eyes sparkled as she played her role. The man who paid for this deception looked her over with an obvious hunger. It was disgusting and incited a new emotion. With well-timed jokes and casual contact, Christina manipulated the man with ease. A flutter of heavy black lashes brought a grin to his face. That new, angry feeling stirred deep inside, and I recognized it as envy.

  When they left in his sedan, I told myself not to follow, but I didn’t take my own advice. Sitting in the backseat, invisible to the human eye, I knew I shouldn’t be there. Then, Christina reached over to put her hand between the man’s legs, and I regretted my choice.

  The taunting sound of her girlish giggle echoed in my ears long after I exited the car. I paced the streets with a desperate fury. Keeping myself hidden from human sight, I spewed every obscene word I’d ever heard. It felt wrong and so good at the same time. It felt like defying all that I’d ever known and giving in to the creeping darkness.

  Right now, Christina was pleasuring a man for money. It was an occupation almost as old as time itself. No matter how I felt about her, she would always belong to the man with the money. His name and face would change, but nothing else would.

  I waited at her apartment. Unable to sit still, I paced outside the building, trying not to scream as my mind conjured up image after image of Christina giving herself away for a price.

  “Holy crap, Willow, you scared me.” Christina gasped when I stepped out of the shadows. “What are you doing here?”

  “We need to talk. I apologize for showing up like this. I couldn’t wait.”

  “Alright.” She gave me a critical once over as she fumbled for her keys. “Come on up.”

  She led me inside, giving me another curious glance. “Is everything ok?”

  “No,” I said honestly. “It’s not. I’m having a hard time coping with my feelings for you.” I watched her move about the apartment, tossing her coat and purse aside. Feeling like an outsider, I struggled to find the words. “I know it’s forbidden. I need to let you go. Then, I think of you in a strange man’s arms, and I want to do something so horrific I can’t even believe these thoughts are mine.”

  Our eyes met, and she sat heavily on a kitchen chair. She crossed her arms in an unconscious, protective gesture. “This isn’t exactly easy for me either. I saw one guy vanish, and all of a sudden, angels are real. But, I still haven’t seen proof of that. Don’t get me wrong, Willow, you’re a great guy, but this entire situation is pretty messed up. In another life, if things were different, I could really love you.”

  “Could?” That was what I wanted to hear, wasn’t it? She didn’t love me. I could let her go now.

  Christina chewed her lip and shook her head. She gave a small shout of frustration. “Look, what I feel when I’m with you, I’ve never felt that with anyone. But, fairytale romance doesn’t exist in my world. That kind of love isn’t for people like me. Honestly, it scares me.”

  I crossed the distance between us and pulled her into my arms. I kissed her, a feverish and desperate press of lips. “I can’t stand the thought of you with them, all those men. Their hands on you… it makes me sick. I don’t know how to accept it. I can’t.”

  Placing both hands on my chest, she pushed me away and shook her head, her expression, one of sadness. “It’s just sex, Willow. It’s not love. I don’t expect you to understand that, but it’s my life. That’s just the way things are.”

  “It’s not your life though,” I insisted, unable to quell the rising fear. “There is so much more ahead for you, if you would only embrace it. It’s not too late to change.”

  “What if I don’t want to change?” Christina countered. “Has it ever occurred to you that I’m perfectly happy with the way things are?”

  Of course, it hadn’t. How could she be happy giving herself to men night after night?

  “Besides,” she added. “It’s not like this thing with us is serious. You can’t be with a human, and I don’t even know if I believe you are what you say you are.”

  She reached for her trusty tequila bottle, taking a deep swallow. The smell of the noxious fluid made me wrinkle my nose. I hated that poisonous swill.

  “I have never lied to you, Christina.” I eyed the bottle, thinking about taking it away from her.

  “You have never shown me proof either.” A challenge burned in he
r eyes. “What do you really want from me, Willow?”

  A hush fell between us. We stared at each other with only the hum of the refrigerator breaking the silence.

  “I want to save you,” I heard myself say. “I love you, Christina. I’m sorry. I don’t think that’s what you want to hear.”

  “For Christ’s sake, Willow, this is just a fantasy. And yes, I’ve been enjoying it too, but we are not part of the same world. You’re risking a lot by being with me. I can’t let you do that.” Her voice rose in exasperation. Tequila splashed out of the bottle onto the floor as she gestured wildly.

  I boldly stepped forward, tearing the liquor bottle from her grasp. I threw it into the sink, the heat of anger fueling my action. It exploded into pieces. “How can you do this to yourself? Don’t you see how valuable you are? You’re wasting your life.”

  Christina’s eyes widened in disbelief. She let out a small shriek and balled her hands into fists. Her eyes sparkled with angry tears.

  “I didn’t ask you to save me,” she shouted, her voice echoing throughout the apartment. “You can’t even kiss me without guilt. What I need, you can’t give me.”

  Her words unleashed something inside me. The need to have her really see me had never died. If anything, it was stronger than ever. In a moment of frustration and weakness, I unfurled my wings and showed my true self.

  Christina’s mouth fell open in a silent gasp. She shook her head, unable to grasp what she was seeing. My wings were large, taking up most of the small kitchen. Bright white, they cloaked me from shoulder to ankle.

  I didn’t wait for her to put words together. I moved swiftly, closing the distance between us. With scorching passion, I kissed her, claiming her mouth with a possessive hunger.

  Much to my surprise, Christina burst into tears. Flinging her arms around my neck, she hugged me close. “I couldn’t do it, Willow. My client tonight… I couldn’t go through with it. I gave back the money and left. All I could think about was you.”

  I held her tight, wrapping my wings around her. Covering her face in kisses, I murmured soothing words that quickly became lost in the growing heat between us.

  My desire was unstoppable. A storm of emotion caught me in its hold, refusing to let go. I kissed her deep, exploring her mouth. The connection sparked greater needs, and I was ready to meet them.

  Burying my face in her hair, I breathed deeply of her intoxicating scent. The softness of her skin beneath my lips was mesmerizing. I kissed her neck, daring to slide my tongue over the beating pulse, reveling at the amazing life force within her.

  “I want you,” I whispered against her ear. “No guilt, just love. Let me show you.”

  Christina captivated me. She caught my hand and guided me to the bedroom where words were no longer necessary. With a gentle touch, I wiped away her tears. Every affectionate touch became a sensual caress. Following my instinct, I explored all of her, though I hadn’t even allowed myself to fantasize about all the parts of her that I discovered.

  I’d made my choice. The only thing left to do was to see it through. This time when she offered herself to me, I accepted.

  Pushing my hand through her thick mass of hair, I nuzzled her throat, coaxing forth a soft moan. That very sound teased my control, stirring my passion. Every inch of skin bared to me was as smooth as satin.

  She felt beautiful beneath me, perfect and warm. Sounds were louder, smells stronger, and every touch so raw and real. The onslaught of sensation was overwhelming.

  The velvet touch of her hands on my body drove me to unimagined heights. The fervor that claimed me was brand new and surreal. There was no hesitation when I claimed her. A second thought would only prolong the inevitable.

  Our bodies joined with a natural ease. A deep, breathy gasp filled the darkness. I’m not sure which one of us it was. We became one there amid the silk sheets. Christina and I moved together as if we had been made to make love to one another.

  I loved her. Lord help me as forbidden as it was, I did. It was powerful and compelling, a force not to be underestimated. Every time I filled her, I felt myself free-falling off the edge of a cliff.

  My name was a continuous cry on her lips. Her legs tightened around my hips, holding firm. Nothing existed to me in that moment but Christina. She was all I saw, all I felt. All I wanted. Much as I hate to admit it, the call to my charge could have come, and I would have let it go unanswered.

  We made love for hours, collapsing in a tangle of limbs every so often to catch our breath. By the time the morning lit up the bedroom, she was fast asleep in my arms.

  I gazed at her slumbering form, admiring the curve of her lips and the peacefulness that always managed to elude her during waking hours. A silly grin tugged my cheeks so wide they hurt. It remains my most joyful memory. I hold tight to that moment. The simple bliss before everything changed. It didn’t last long, but it was long enough for me. I wouldn’t trade it for anything.

  When the pain came, I was ready. It was expected though not at all welcome. Starting in my core, it exploded through my extremities, forcing me from the bed to the floor where I writhed in agony.

  This was it. This was where it all caught up to me. I fixed my gaze on Christina, hoping she would not awake to see this.

  My insides were alight with fire. It grew so suddenly into an intense, blinding torment that I wished immediately for death. But, it would not come; death never came for my kind.

  The power was stripped from me. My wings flared wide, and I watched my reflection in Christina’s bedroom mirror as my pure white feathers turned dull grey.

  So, this was The Fall. It was every bit as horrible as I’d imagined. I couldn’t contain myself any longer. A pained cry broke from me, shattering the stillness.

  “Willow?” Christina rolled over, reaching out for me but finding an empty place beside her.

  She sat up to look for me, and I knew I had to go. She couldn’t bear witness to this. I willed myself away, finding with relief that I still had the ability to do so. Collapsing in a heap on the floor of my apartment, I gasped for breath while my hands clawed uselessly at the wooden floorboards.

  My mind, body and spirit were torn in two. I was a quaking wreck, a shell of my former self. I’d known my fate when I’d claimed Christina as mine, yet I never regretted it.

  Chapter Six

  The pain subsided after just a few days though they felt like an eternity. Time meant little to me in the grand scheme of things, but to mortals like Christina, it meant very much. I had failed both my lover and my charge by being away so long.

  Picking myself up off the floor, I felt weak and heavy. A shred of power still hummed inside me, but it would do little to help me protect anyone now.

  Guilt hit me like an accusing finger in my face. Shame cloaked me like a second skin. I sat heavily at the table, staring out the window at the roof of the restaurant across the street. I saw nothing. I felt nothing. Numb.

  When Serene appeared behind me, I did not turn to look. Straight ahead, I stared. His hand was warm on my shoulder, friendly despite the line that had been drawn between us.

  “I’m sorry,” he said, and there was a plethora of emotions in those two simple words.

  “Don’t be. You warned me.” My voice was hoarse from screaming. I didn’t want his pity; I wanted only to be alone.

  “I did, because I care for you. That has not changed. I know I don’t have to tell you what this means though.” His hand dropped, and he drew away.

  “Of course not. I’ve fallen. I belong to the darkness now.” Bitterness filled the numb void within me.

  Serene was quiet, pondering this. “That’s not entirely true, you know. You’re fallen, not demon.”

  “Not yet,” I snapped. “What difference does it make anyway? Fallen is fallen. There is no righting this wrong.”

  “Perhaps not, though take care to remember that there are many who will now be watching to see where you place yourself. You are still gifted with freewil
l as you always have been. I’d advise you to use it wisely.”

  I laughed, a cold, brittle sound that did not feel as if it belonged to me. Here was my dear friend, trying to lift my spirits despite the terrible thing I’d done. I didn’t deserve this act of kindness.

  “I will never join their ranks, I promise you. My mistake was my own. It was not made so I could serve evil.” That’s when the shock hit, the painful realization that I would be forever alone, belonging to nobody.

  We weren’t created to be alone. Existing alone on the outside, with no purpose and no family, that was the true punishment for what I’d done. I’d chosen selfishly to turn my back on my duty. It was dishonorable. I wondered how I would go on.

  “May I ask why?” Serene’s smooth tone holding no judgment. “What were you thinking to abandon your charge like this?”

  “I haven’t abandoned Alexa. I will still protect her.” Even as I said it, I knew I would now have great difficulty keeping that vow.

  “She is no longer your concern, Willow. I’m afraid your duty to protect her has been terminated with your fall from grace.”

  I shook my head, finally turning to meet his eyes. His expression held such sorrow. It drove the blade of guilt deeper into my gut.

  “I said I would protect her, and I intend to do that. This will not stop me from being there for Alexa. I can still help her, Serene.”

  “How do you presume to do this while lusting after the human woman? She has already compromised your ability to remain faithful to your duty. She is an unfortunate distraction, one who will ultimately live and die while you are forced to watch. Have you given thought to this?”

  I held his gaze, seeking a way to make him understand, knowing he never could. I wanted to be angry with him for the way he spoke of Christina, but he was not wrong. Christina and I would be parted.