Lost Girl

by Mary E. Twomey

  “Are you kidding me with this? Bastien, I didn’t steal the jewels!”

  “Then you should have no problem letting me verify that.”

  “Um, except that you’re asking me to take my clothes off. That’s a problem for me.”

  He sighed, looking older than usual with the tiresome weight of life in Avalon. “Fine. If I don’t find anything on you, I’ll take off my clothes, too. That should level the playing field as far as humiliation goes.”

  “Is this your first time talking to a woman? I don’t want to see you naked after this. I can barely stand to look at your face! This is how little you trust me after everything? This is what you want me to do?”

  “It’s what needs to happen to clear your name. I won’t be constantly looking over my shoulder, worried Roland’s going to come after you. This should calm him down, and put everyone’s fears to rest.”

  Indignation mutated to rage that began to boil under my skin. “You care more about Roland’s irrational fear than about my whole body? I can’t believe I fell for you!”

  Bastien’s jaw clenched. “Let’s get this over with, Daisy.”

  “Don’t you dare call me that. I’m not your Daisy. I’m nothing to you.” He’d started calling me that because he said I didn’t have scary enough thorns to be a Rose. He was the one who’d inked his arms and torso with swirls and thorns to cover over his scars. I should’ve known he’d be the thing that cut me.

  He held up his hands, his jaw tight. “I’m sorry. Rosie.”

  I should’ve made him rip the clothes from my body, but I knew I’d never recover from that violation. I tore my shirt over my head and threw it at him with all my rage. “There! Are you happy now?” I’d barely gotten the hang of my new body, and now I was showing him my torso, clad only in a nude-colored bra.

  “Everything, Rosie. Look, this isn’t my best day either, okay? Let’s just get this over with and hope for the best.”

  “‘Hope for the best?’ How exactly do you imagine we bounce back from this?” I kicked off my shoes and lobbed them at his face, then my socks. I tore off my dirty jeans and whipped them at him, angry tears welling in my eyes. “Boy, Rachelle’s sure in for a treat! What a gentleman she’s marrying.”

  Bastien exhaled, his arms still banded across his chest. “Everything, Rosie. I’m serious. I have to search you so we can clear your name.”

  My face was red as the tears trickled down my cheeks. “Just so we’re clear, you and I are over after this.” I unhooked my bra and threw it at him, resisting the urge to cover myself. His eyes instinctively climbed to the trees overhead, which for some reason made me laugh. Maybe I was a little unhinged. “You can’t make sure I’m not my mother’s daughter without looking, Bastien. This is what you wanted, wasn’t it? Well, get a good look. First guy to see me naked. Boy, am I a lucky girl it all went down like this.”

  Bastien looked down at the grass, shaking his head. “Don’t be like this, Rosie. You know this isn’t how I wanted this moment to happen.”

  “Well, it’s how you’re making it happen. This is exactly how you chose to end things between us. You get to be the big man, and I get to be the girl left naked and crying in the forest. Captain Burke’s right hand, if ever I saw one.”

  He kept his eyes on the grass, swallowing hard. When he spoke again, his voice came out in a whisper. “Everything, Rosie.”

  I let out a hollow sob as I slid off my underwear and left them in the dirt. I didn’t say a word as his eyes slowly climbed up my body. His slight intake of breath and wide, guilty eyes didn’t even register as a compliment to me. “Turn,” he instructed, his voice choked.

  I obliged him, and slowly settled into a calm place in my mind where I felt nothing. The shame, anger, fear and utter devastation all combined and short-circuited into white noise that muted the world. “Happy?”

  “You’re clear.” He picked up my clothes and handed them to me, and for a second, I thought I saw his eyes moisten. “I’m sorry, honey. Believe me, I didn’t want it to go down like this.”

  “Go away.” I pulled on my underwear, unwilling to work up a good tirade. My bra snapped into place, and I yanked my jeans up, unable to look at him. I’d barely seen my new body in the mirror more than a handful of times, yet he’d demanded a full viewing. What I’d thought was finally, finally, finally beautiful about my body now felt ugly and tarnished. I wished for my boobs to shrink back to their nonintrusive A-cups, and for my hump to curve my back so I could hide in plain sight again. No one had ever ordered me to take off my clothes back then.

  “I can’t leave you alone in the woods. I’m your Guardien.”

  I jerked the rest of my clothes from his hands and shoved my shirt over my head, feeling one-tenth more myself. “You’re nothing to me. Go.”

  “I can’t,” he repeated, his eyes filled with self-loathing. “It’s my job to keep you safe.”

  I don’t know why this was the tipping point, but my fist shook with a will of its own. Without warning, I swung out and smashed my fist to Bastien’s face, unapologetic as Kerdik’s ring cut a line across his cheek. Blood bloomed from the slice, and he had the nerve to look shocked when his eyes met mine.

  I had no compassion for the position he was caught in. There was no excuse for what he’d just done. I leveled my finger at him, my voice taut with rage. “You’re so concerned with getting to the bottom of who I am and who Roland is that you’ve completely forgotten who you are. Are you the man you’re supposed to be?”

  Bastien lowered his chin in shame. “No, ma’am.”

  Thunder shook through my veins as Lane’s words boomed out of my mouth. “I know who I am, and you aren’t going to be the man who takes that away from me!” Before I decked him again, I closed my eyes and did my best to rein myself in. “I never want to see your face again.”

  Bastien nodded once, his hand over his torn cheek. “I’m sorry, Rosie.”

  “I don’t care. Go back to Roland. Enjoy being sorry, but do it far, far away from me. Your journey to figure out who you are has a long way to go still, and I don’t want to spend my life watching you stumble through the mess to get there. I’ve got my own adventures to see to. My adventure isn’t you, Bastien.” I watched as he moved out of the forest, his head down and his shoulders weighted with the utter devastation of the beautiful thing we almost had. I sat down on the grass and tugged on my dirty socks and shoes, taking my rare moment of finally being alone to break down and let my tears fall as freely as they wished. I was embarrassed that this was the first time I’d ever taken my clothes off for a man.

  I needed Lane to make it all better. I wanted Judah by my side to restore my faith in the male species. As weird as it sounded, I missed Draper, though I barely knew him. He’d trusted and accepted me implicitly, so much that he let me take him straight to the Gévaudan without blinking an eye. He would never, never have asked me to take my clothes off.

  I hugged my knees to my chest and squinched my eyes shut, hating Avalon and everything in it.

  37

  Goodbye, Bastien. Hello, Mother.

  I led the way to Morgan’s castle after it was decided that Aunt Avril had most likely made off with the jewels. Roland took one of the horses and rode in the direction of her Province to chase her down and snatch back his mother’s gem, Gliten’s and Lane’s. Not even so much as a friggin’ apology from him. Class act.

  I rode on Cheval with Remy, leaving Bastien to saddle up on Remy’s horse. Bastien rode behind us, as per my request that I not have to look at his face ever again. Madigan didn’t say a word the entire ride, which wasn’t entirely unusual for him. Remy caged me in with his arms, and though he tried to keep his thoughts to himself, the occasional worry broke through. “I never doubted you for a second,” and “I’m so sorry, my princess.”

  I didn’t respond, and didn’t want to talk about it. We rode in silence until we reached civilization. The lush greenery seemed to explode from every square inch of nature as we cro
ssed over into Province 1. There were flowers as big as my head, blooming just because they friggin’ could. The air smelled like a blast of green and freshly-cut pine. The warmth of the sun kissed my skin, and the wind died down to a gentle hum, but none of it renewed my spirits. I didn’t need directions, but let my gut pull me toward the castle that began to be visible over the horizon.

  Mad spoke up for us to take a break and refuel before we got there, but I didn’t want to talk. I knew the plan, and so did they. It was me who’d be traded for Reyn, and that’s how I’d play it to my mother when I met her. Reyn was a good man who had never once questioned me or my intentions. He would go with Lane and make sure she had someone to hold her hair back when she got the flu. He would twine his fingers through hers and go on long walks, smiling at the neighbors because he understood what a true prize she would always be. Reyn would love Lane, and she deserved someone who would always be good to her. That was worth trading myself for. Lane was worth it all.

  I was about to meet my birth mother. I hadn’t bathed in days. I was tear-stained and wearing filthy clothes, but I was about to meet my mother.

  “Go faster, Cheval,” I urged him. I wanted to get this over with. I wanted to get away from Bastien and the whole mess. Though I had a magical horse, he couldn’t ride fast enough to outrun all the garbage I was desperate to leave behind – but we could sure try.

  Cheval kept up a steady stream of “I’m here for you, kiddo” kind of talk, but I didn’t have it in me to thank him. I simply patted his mane and kept my mouth shut, lest I open it and a horrible sob escape my lips.

  When we reached the towering gray stone castle, my heart thudded in my chest that this was the place I’d been born. It was enormous, stretching too high into the sky. I couldn’t even picture myself crossing the bridge, but somehow I’d lived here, once upon a time. The sun was just starting to set over the parapets, but I could still pick out the details that made my mouth drop open. I couldn’t count how many stories tall the whole thing was – at least fifteen. It was wide and had a moat around it with fish that leapt above the surface and splashed back down. There was ivy climbing up the stones all the way to the fourth floor, and the stained-glass windows had ivy designs in reds and yellows. The land surrounding the castle was blooming with life, but the castle itself looked cold and angry, the gray stone unmovable in its sneer. It was a grimace smack in the middle of utopia.

  Cheval took a nervous step back in agreement of my assessment of the aura of the castle. He made it crystal clear that he wanted to ride me in the opposite direction. I dismounted ungracefully and kissed his cheek. “You should go on back to your life, now. Thanks for everything, Cheval. We wouldn’t have made it without you.”

  Cheval looped his head over my shoulder and let me wrap my arms around his thick neck. “I wish I could stay with you, Princess.”

  Tears pricked my eyes at having to say goodbye to a solid friend. I hated this part. No matter how many animals I said goodbye to through the years, it never got any easier. “I wish I could stay with you. Your Forgotten Forest sounds mighty tempting right about now,” I whispered.

  Cheval stiffened, his tone coming back sharp. “None of us will ever take you there if it’s your intention to stay. You were meant for great things, not escaping into nothingness.”

  “Tell me it gets better. Tell me that someday it won’t hurt this much.”

  “For you? It only gets better.”

  “Tell me my mother will like me. That she’ll smile when she sees me, and we’ll have buckets of time to braid each other’s hair and play catch together. Tell me she’ll be happy to see me, without my birth blessings.”

  Cheval’s hesitance was telling. “I wish I could tell you that. Instead I’ll say that no matter how Morgan is, you should always be you. You’re the best you I’ve met in ages.”

  I kissed him again and nodded. “Thanks. You’re a good friend. Those are hard to come by.”

  I hugged Harry, letting him give me the same kind of farewell while Madigan dismounted. “I thought I told ye to stop back there. We don’t have a plan.”

  “We don’t need a plan. You did your part. You helped get the gemstones out of hiding. You can go live your life now. Take Bastien and go do whatever it is you boys do.”

  “Princess, I’ll not leave your side.” Remy was adamant, but I could feel his nerves. This was the woman who’d ordered his tongue to be cut out.

  “No. I could never make you do that. Morgan’s responsible for taking away your words. I wouldn’t let you come in with me just so I don’t have to go it alone. It’ll be fine. Lane’s inside, right?”

  “Should be. I don’t feel right about leaving you.”

  “I don’t feel right about leaving ye,” Madigan said right after Remy. “I’ve nothing to return to, neither. I’ll watch out for ye in there. I’m an Untouchable. Ye need one of us, or she’ll eat ye alive. We’re one of the few Morgan doesn’t cross.”

  I shook my head. “No. I didn’t bust you out of the Forgotten Forest just so you’d have no chance at a normal life. Go off with your buddies in the Brotherhood. Do your thing. I’m fine. Once I find the gems, I’ll grab a horse and run them to Lane in her province. Then I’ll go back to my life up in Common. Avalon will be good.”

  When Bastien stepped forward, he couldn’t meet my eyes, but kept his gaze on my kneecaps instead. “Morgan will send soldiers to Common to snatch at you, just like before. She’s not going to just let you go, Rosie.”

  I glared at him, my teeth grinding together as my toes curled inside my shoes. “I’ll figure all that out when it comes. It’s not your problem. My job was to find Roland and return the gems to the Daughters of Avalon. Enjoy a lifetime of putting up with Roland. Job one is done, and I’m working on job two. After that, I get my life back. I can lay low.” I fished around in my pack for Kerdik’s hat to cover over my windswept hair and attempt to make myself look more presentable. Despite everyone telling me what an evil person my mom was, part of me wanted to look nice for her. I wanted her to like me, even if she wasn’t all that likeable herself.

  Bastien shook his head. “It’s not that simple. Morgan’s ruthless. You have no idea how dangerous all of this is.”

  “I survived Roland and you, didn’t I? I’m practically bulletproof at this point. You don’t get a vote on what is or isn’t best for me. You’re out. You’re fired. You’re dismissed. Whatever you need me to say to get you away from me permanently.”

  Bastien’s voice was pained, his eyes climbing up to meet mine, pleading with me to forgive what couldn’t be glossed over. “How can I make it right? Tell me what to do.”

  I wasn’t willing to have this conversation again. “Madigan, it was nice to meet you. But seeing as I’m not Bastien’s lady anymore, you don’t need to stick around to make sure I live. Have a good one, Lucky Charms. Peace out, guys.” I chucked his shoulder, hefted my pack onto my back, kissed Remy’s cheek and tried to keep my face stern while I stomped toward the double-wide bridge, where two guards stood sentry.

  My heart thudded in my breast, my mouth so dry that my tongue stuck to the roof. Stalking off into the castle and waving my flag high didn’t seem like the best move in the world, but it was the only one in my arsenal, and had to be done. I checked in with my gut to make sure the remaining four jewels were somewhere on the property, and felt the ping of confirmation. There was no way out of Avalon, but to go further into the heart of the problem.

  “Run along, little peasant,” one of the guards greeted me. He had rust-colored hair and a smattering of freckles across his forehead. They each wore black clothes with a red and gold button-up official-looking jacket overtop, with a variety of medals and whatnot to announce which rank they were. “It’s been a long day, girl. I won’t hesitate to put you in the stocks if you test me.”

  The soldier next to him leered in my direction. “Put her in the stocks, Earl. Let us have a go at her. Look at that face. I bet she’s got plenty of fight in th
at pretty little body.”

  I lifted my chin, trying to look composed and regal in my filthy clothes and unwashed skin. “You can tell my mother, Queen Morgan le Fae, that her daughter’s come home.” I lifted my hat so they could see me more clearly, pausing just long enough to take in their gasps of alarm. “Now let me through, or I’ll have you all thrown in the stocks for being total tools. See how long your fight lasts.”

  I don’t know why the rage boiled over on this poor fool, when most of it was directed at Bastien. My fist saw no justice, only injustice and fury. I didn’t hold back, but socked the crass dude hard across the cheek, slicing the skin enough to draw blood and give him a bruise by morning. I wanted to feel repentant that I’d gotten in a fight when Lane had expressly told me I couldn’t do that anymore, but I didn’t have regret in me anymore – Bastien had used up my last drop of the stuff.

  Both men dropped to their knees, apologetic and awash in fear.

  I reached down and snatched at the ear of the stunned soldier who’d leered at me. He looked like he might pee himself at any second. “You’re coming with me. See how my mother takes to you making sex jokes about her daughter.”

  I bent him forward as the rusty-haired soldier fell away and formed a line for me to walk past over the bridge. I gripped the nape of his neck, leading him to the closed wooden front doors of the castle that stretched taller than a two-story house. I could feel his panic and humiliation welling as he begged me for forgiveness.

  With my free hand I pounded on the door. “Morgan le Fae!” I called, my heart banging in my chest. My palms were sweaty, and I had too many conflicting emotions warring inside of me. I wanted her to like me, and I wanted to run away from her. For better or worse, I was ready to meet the woman who’d given birth to me.