Year of Impossible Goodbyes

by Sook Nyul Choi

  Her face was pale and her eyes were filled with tears. I could not believe that she was bowing so humbly and desperately before this cruel little man. She seemed willing to do almost anything to change his mind. "Please let them be ... give us another chance. I will see to it that the Imperial police are pleased with our sock production. We will please the Heavenly Emperor with more work." I wished I knew what they were talking about. I did not understand why Mother was so frightened. "Most honorable Imperial Captain, please, please...," she said over and over again. With great satisfaction, Captain Narita stroked the edges of his stubby mustache and adjusted his sword belt about his thin waist. He surveyed the yard, lost in his own thoughts. Then he and his lieutenants departed without a word.

  We stood listening to the sound of their swords clanking against their guns as they walked away. I was amazed at how this scrawny little man could inspire such fear in my mother with just a few words. I watched Mother's ghostly face as she stared after Captain Narita. She stood motionless and kept looking at the gate as if she were still waiting and praying for him to return with an answer.

  I had always had a vague notion that something horrible might happen if the girls did not produce enough socks, but I was never sure what it might be. Aunt Tiger was silently gnawing on her lower lip and furiously tying the socks in bundles. She kept looking over at Mother, who was pacing back and forth.

  Mother wrung her hands and trembled. She mumbled under her breath like a crazy person. I knew this was not a time to ask questions. Even Aunt Tiger was silent.

  All of a sudden, Okja came running out into the yard. I was surprised to see her, for none of the girls ever left their machines during the day except for lunch. She stared at Mother in silent terror. Whether or not Captain Narita walked into the factory, the girls somehow always knew when he had come by the house.

  Mother looked at Okja, but her mind was elsewhere. After what seemed like a long time, she said, "Captain Narita has threatened to take you girls away. He said you did not produce enough socks, but you cannot possibly do any more! I should have been out here with you. What am I going to do, Okja? I better tell the girls ... I want you to hide. I don't want any of you to come here anymore."

  Okja's eyes filled with tears, but she bit her lip to keep from crying. "There is no place for us to hide," she said quietly. "He knows where we live and whom we know, and if he wants to, he'll find us and take us to the front. No matter where we go, we are their prisoners. It'll do no good to hide. He'll only make you suffer more for letting us go. All we can do is work day and night to produce more socks and hope he'll change his mind."

  Haiwon came running out into the yard, wiping the sweat from her brow. Squinting in the bright sunlight, she said, "The girls are saying something is terribly wrong. We want to know what's going on. We know the rat was here talking to you. How come he did not inspect the factory? What did he want?" Haiwon looked at Mother and Okja. Suddenly she started wailing, "Oh, no, not that, not that, oh no ... I wish I were dead, I wish I were dead!" and she fell to her knees crying, pounding on her chest with her fists.

  Mother and Okja dropped to the ground and embraced her, steadying her hands and wiping her tears. "Come. Let's go into the sock factory and talk about this and see what we can do," said Mother.

  When I got up to follow them, Aunt Tiger grabbed me and kept me with her. I watched as the three of them entered the ugly barrack. I heard the machines go off. There was silence, then violent cries of anguish. It grew quiet again. What were they talking about? I waited. Soon the machines started up again, and I saw Mother come stumbling out. She was drenched with perspiration. She stood listlessly outside the barrack clutching the door handle.

  Aunt Tiger rushed to her side and led her to the straw mat where we were sitting. "They ate so brave," said Mother to Aunt Tiger. "They want to try to make even more socks in the hope that Narita will change his mind. But I wish they would just try to hide. I don't want them to come back here. I can't beat to see them taken away. I don't cate what Narita does to me."

  Aunt Tiger looked at Mother in disbelief. "You must be mad with fever! You know Captain Narita better than that by now! Okja is tight. They have nowhere to hide. They all know that if even one of them doesn't come to work, they will all suffer for it. We all will. There's no escape for us. We are like mice trapped in a dungeon of wildcats. We are Koreans; we are a cursed race and there is no hope for us as long as the Japanese are around." Mother didn't seem to he listening. With her fists clenched, she stared at the barrack, praying for a revelation to save her dear sock girls.

  Aunt Tiger continued. "They use us, they toy with us, and eventually they'll kill us all, one way or another. Our lives are worth no more than a fly's. 'A voluntary offering for the glory of the Emperor'... How skillfully they lie, lie, lie! Those girls would rather die than be 'spirit girls' for the Emperor's soldiers. When I think of how many truckloads of girls they've taken to the front already ... I heard half of them killed themselves by jumping off the speeding trucks rather than be locked in those latrines and used by those soldiers. Our poor girls!" Aunt Tiger was raving like a mad woman.

  Mother suddenly seemed to have realized what Aunt Tiger was saying and whispered harshly, "Please, please stop! The children!" With her fists still clenched, she continued pacing up and down the length of the yard, staring at the sock factory. I wished they would tell me what was happening. What did "spirit girls" mean? Why were they being sent to the front?

  1 was terribly afraid for the sock girls and yet I didn't even know why. But I was somehow relieved to see Mother up and about. I had been so worried that she would die of grief, crying day after day in her dark room. Within an hour of Captain Narita's visit, she had resumed her duties and was rushing about, overseeing production. Fear and helplessness had been transformed into desperate determination.

  The next day Mother got up long before the sun and had Kisa inspect and grease all the machines. The girls came earlier than ever and immediately started working. They had all resolved to do the impossible; they would increase production and make Captain Narita change his mind. For several days, Mother and the girls worked from the crack of dawn until late at night, without even taking a break at mealtimes. Inchun and I busily folded and bundled the socks to keep pace with them.

  Mother looked more and more frail. Her face had become flushed with fever. I noticed Aunt Tiger glancing at her with grave concern. One night, as we were finishing up for the day, I heard Aunt Tiger say to her, "You are working like a crazy person. You're making yourself sick, and it won't do any good. The Japanese have been taking our girls for years. We all knew it was only a matter of time." She tried to convince Mother to get some sleep or at least to eat something. I wished Mother would listen to her, but she said nothing and continued to work. Even Inchun and I kept folding socks and mending stitches, working late into the night by candlelight.

  Each day Mother waited expectantly for Captain Narita. The Japanese merchants and the police came by to collect the socks and seemed very pleased, but we waited anxiously for Captain Narita's decision. We just kept working, but I could sense that with each passing day, Mother and Aunt Tiger were growing more and more apprehensive. One morning as we worked on in the stagnant heat, Mother said, "I never thought I would say this, but I wish Captain Narita would come by. We need to know if there is any hope. They've been working so hard, and we haven't been paid in weeks now. We'll all go hungry soon. If he doesn't come by tomorrow morning, maybe I'll go to bis office and see if those awful guards will let me see him."

  Late that night, I watched the dim lights go off in the factory. I didn't go out to the yard to wave good night to the girls. I wanted to be by myself in Grandfather's room. I was tired of working so hard. How long would we have to live like this? When would Grandfather's merciful Buddha or Mother's Catholic God come to help us? As I sat in Grandfather's room trying to recapture his warmth and calm, I looked out and watched the sock girls talking, shaking the d
ay's dust from their hair and clothes, and stretching their weary arms and legs. Some were busily opening and closing their hands to stretch their stiff fingers. Others rubbed their eyes and wiped their tongues with their handkerchiefs to rid themselves of the dust and lint. They exchanged a few words with each other and with Kisa, and then headed toward the gate "It's starting to rain. Be careful," I heard Mother say. Although exhausted, they all wore a look of liberation as they stared up at the dark rainy sky. They had gotten through another day.

  Suddenly, the gate burst open. Everyone froze in horror. Two soldiers stood behind Captain Narita with their guns slung over their shoulders. One of them held a large black umbrella over Captain Narita to protect him from the rain. Through the open gate, I saw a big truck parked outside. I heard Mother moan helplessly, "Oh, Lord, Oh, Lord ... Merciful Lord..."

  The dark sky broke loose with a crack of thunder and a bolt of lightning. It started to pour. How I wished a huge thunderbolt would strike right where Captain Narita and the soldiers stood. Oblivious of the torrential downpour, the girls started sobbing. "I wish I were dead, I wish I were dead," I heard several of them whimper. They clutched one another in desperation. Huddled together in the pouring rain, they looked like helpless animals. I wished that just this once, I could run out and beat up Captain Narita. But I couldn't move. I sat there watching with tears streaming down my face.

  "You should all be very proud and honored that it is now your turn to serve Our Heavenly Emperor. You will give the soldiers the special spirit to fight harder against the White Devils," said Captain Narita cheerfully. "Our Heavenly Emperor will be happy that you volunteered to help the soldiers. Now get into the truck and get out of this rain." The two soldiers began to herd the girls toward the truck. Some screamed and fell to the muddy ground, but were jabbed with guns and forced onto the truck.

  "Please do not take them ... some of them are not even fifteen," Mother implored. "The older ones have babies and old grandparents at home to take care of." Captain Narita smiled for an instant, showing a row of crooked teeth, and then motioned for his lieutenants to hurry as he looked up at the black sky.

  I saw Haiwon being pushed toward the truck. I heard her cry just as she had on her birthday. Only this time, her cry was more faint, as though she could not even muster the courage to go on any longer.

  I saw Okja spit at the soldier who was jabbing her in the ribs with his gun as he tried to get her onto the truck. The angry soldier lifted his gun to hit her. Like lightning, Kisa shot out from nowhere and kept the soldier from hitting her. The soldier dealt a blow to Kisa instead, who fell to the ground screaming. Okja tried to run to Kisa, but the soldier grabbed Okja and tossed her onto the truck like a dead cat. The other soldier kicked Kisa in the ribs. Kisa lay doubled over in the mud crying out to the girls. Captain Narita looked at him with disgust and shouted to the driver. The truck pulled away and sped off in the darkness of the storm. I knew better than to go outside. From the door of Grandfathers room, I saw my mother standing in the rain, wringing her hands.

  Aunt Tiger brought Kisa inside and began bandaging his head. "What made you think you could fight the soldiers with their guns and swords?" Aunt Tiger said. "Haven't you seen enough ... how they kill us like flies?" I sat down next to them, and I wanted to ask Aunt Tiger where the girls were being taken and what would happen to them. But I felt it was silly to ask. Wherever they were being taken, I could tell it was a fate even worse than death.

  Kisa wept uncontrollably, and said, "I will never see those girls again ... I couldn't save even one of them."

  "It was only a matter of time," Aunt Tiger said. "You knew this day would come sooner or later."

  "Maybe we will all see each other again. Maybe the war will end soon and they'll return to us," added Mother, as she came inside. When she saw me, she rushed over and held me tightly as if she wanted to squeeze all the fear out of me and said, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry ... We could truly use one miracle now, just one miracle." Mother's hot tears fell upon my forehead. Her voice was shaking and her body trembled. She was burning up with fever, and she shivered in her wet clothes. I touched her rough hands. All that frantic work had not done any good. It didn't matter how many socks they made. The Japanese could do whatever they wanted and no one could stop them.

  From my bed, I heard the Lord's Prayer. I got up and peeked into Mother's room, and there, gathered around a candle and a small crucifix, were Mother, Aunt Tiger, and Kisa. Aunt Tiger was no longer making fun of Mother's Catholic God. I fell asleep as I listened to their devout prayers against the drumming of the rain. Kisa's voice was soothing, and I pretended that his voice was that of my father, three brothers, and my grandfather.

  I must have fallen asleep. I felt a hot breeze brush against me, and then strange noises coming from the yard. I lay still in my bed. I could smell the candle that had been burning. I heard whispering in the next room. I got up and saw three figures, peering out at the yard through a crack in the rice-paper paneled doors. They were looking across the yard at the sock factory. I went over and saw that the lights were all on in the sock factory. For a split second I thought Mothers miracle had happened and the soldiers had brought the girls back to make some more socks. "Mother, are the sock girls back?" "Shhh," she replied. "Sit with us and be quiet. The soldiers are taking the machines and loading them onto the truck. They're probably taking them to be made into more weapons."

  I rubbed my eyes and looked out. Several uniformed police had dismantled the machines, and were taking them from the sock factory and loading them onto the truck parked outside. "Those are not even theirs to take," said Kisa. "Those are ours ... We bought them with our hard-earned money from the Japanese merchants, who probably stole them from other Koreans!"

  Mother was quiet. "Since when does ownership matter to the Japanese?" said Aunt Tiger. "They take whatever they need from us. What good are those machines to us now? I had hoped we could trade them in for some rice, but that was silly of me. Let the bastards take them all. What else can we do?"

  I was glad to see the machines go. It would be too sad to look at them day after day. Too much had happened today. Soon the rain stopped and there was a cool breeze. I looked out at the stump of the pine tree and the empty sock factory. The front gate was wide open and swinging in the wind. No one bothered to close it. What was the sense? Those gates provided no privacy or security. I wished I had slept through the night. The grown-ups were relieved that we were safe and only prayed that things would not get any worse.

  I sat in helpless silence and watched the dawn break. The sun rose like any other day. It shone brightly, as if it knew nothing of our sadness. I felt the bright sun was heartless and cruel to shine so derisively, and I shut my eyes in defiance.

  Chapter Five

  Early one morning, Mother received a notice from one of Captain Narita's lieutenants. She stated at it blankly, and then put it in her pocket. I wondered what it meant. What mote could they do to us? She looked over at me, and sighed. "They say you must learn to be a loyal and obedient subject and work to bring victory in the war. We have to enroll you in the Japanese school tomorrow," she said. I knew Mother had hoped the war would end before Inchun and I had to go to the Japanese school.

  The next morning, Mother prepared my lunch box for the first day of school. There was a little piece of egg next to some sweet black beans and a small scoop of glistening white rice. We usually ate porridge made from barley and millet, and I knew Mother must have been saving this white rice for a special occasion. It looked so delicious, and she had packed it in a beautiful wooden lunch box that Grandfather had carved a long time ago. It was a rectangular box made of pine, with a sliding top. On one side of the box was a groove in which a pair of wooden chopsticks was cleverly concealed. I pulled out the chopsticks and saw that there were rosebuds carved on them. The lunch box felt smooth and warm in my hands. Mother had gone to so much trouble for me.

  "Aunt Tiger will take you to school," Mother t
old me as she mustered a smile. "Just be very quiet and attentive and do as they tell you. Say, 'Hai, Sensei!' (meaning 'Yes, Teacher') and you will be fine." The smile could hardly be sustained on her pale and feverish features. I tried to look happy about meeting some children my own age. I didn't want Mother to worry; I knew she was afraid for me.

  Little Inchun stood quietly holding Mother's hand. He looked at me with great concern and said, "Nuna, remember not to speak one word of Korean and don't ask any questions. Just be quiet like me." I was startled to hear such wise advice from little Inchun. But I nodded, and smiled. He looked particularly pale and skinny that morning, but there was still that gentle twinkle in his big dark eyes. I thought of how Mother had always said that there was a wise old man living inside her little boy. I remembered how he always followed me like my silent little shadow. This would be the first time that we would be apart all day long, and I was sure that he would feel lost without me.

  Aunt Tiger pulled me by the hand and rushed me out the door. "The Imperial police even took our clock," she muttered. "Everything we had has been melted down to make more weapons. 'What do Koreans need a clock for? They can guess by looking at the sun'... We better get going or we might be late for your first day."

  The streets were quiet. We saw several students in their worn gray uniforms. As we approached the building, I felt more and more confused. I kept telling myself I could handle whatever they did to me, and I would do just as Mother said and say "Hal, Sensei!" no matter what. Most of all, I had to remember not to speak a word of Korean. I remembered how my older brother, Hyunchun, had come running home one day two years before, his forehead dripping with blood. As Mother held him and applied the bandage, Hyunchun told us through his tears, "I asked for a pencil in Korean and the teacher hit me with a metal ruler." I struggled to put this out of my mind, and tried to think of how nice it would be to make some friends my own age. Maybe I would make a friend that day. I could show her my pretty lunch box.