Breathe

by Donna Alward

  “Why?” She asked it wearily. And he knew the exhaustion on her face was exactly why. Because she’d been hurt enough and he couldn’t help her if he didn’t know the entire truth.

  “Because we’re friends. We have always been friends, and because you trusted me enough to come here. Why do you think I was so accommodating?”

  “Perhaps to prove a point? To rub my nose in it?” She lifted her eyebrows, challenging.

  He cursed under his breath. “No, you silly girl. I would never…” A sudden grin lit his face before he sobered once more. “All right, so maybe I would. But not this time. Not about something this important.”

  “Something like this?” She wet her lips with her tongue and it caught his gaze, held it for a few seconds. “What is this, exactly?”

  “For God’s sake, Anna. Your husband died. I know when a woman’s had her heart broken.”

  For once, he seemed to have rendered her speechless. He took the opportunity to carry on, to attempt to make peace.

  “I know things got off to a rough start. I thought I was prepared and I wasn’t. I’m used to a bachelor’s life. But I don’t want you to go.” If nothing else he’d make this much up to her. It was partly his fault things had ended up the way they had.

  “It takes more than a bit of broken glass and a few dark looks to get rid of me. I thought you knew that by now.”

  She smiled at him. A bit of the old teasing was back in the gleam in her eyes. He’d missed that. He smiled in return. And that slow twisting happened again. The one he hadn’t felt since he’d been too young and foolish to know better. When she entered a room and it was like the warmth of the afternoon sun.

  He knew better now. He stepped back. Anna didn’t want him. He’d once thought she did, but then she’d moved on as if what had been between them was nothing, and all the light had gone out of his days. He needed to remember that.

  “Where are you going, then?”

  Her hand rested on the door handle again. “It occurred to me that I could help childproof your home a bit during our stay. After last night…some plastic dishes wouldn’t be amiss, and a few other items. I was just going to go into town to pick up a few things. I figured once I did that, I could talk to you about what I can do to pull my weight around here. Surely there’s something you need help with.”

  So this wasn’t about his surliness last night. He wasn’t sure if he was relieved or annoyed. He might know better than to get involved with her again, but it niggled that she had gotten to him more than he’d gotten to her.

  Which was stupid. Her husband had been dead only a few months. Surely the last thing she was thinking about was…

  He stopped the thought in its tracks. Trying to reignite an old flame wasn’t what he wanted. Anna had done enough damage when they were little more than children, turning his world first upside down and then ripping it in two. She was beautiful, no denying it, and it stood to reason that he should be attracted to her. He had been before. More than attracted. She’d been the center of his universe.

  In the space of a moment, a memory surfaced. Of the two of them making love under the sun at the vineyard. The wonder they shared at being together, sharing hearts and bodies after years of being friends. Learning together.

  “Good, yes. Thank you.” His mind seemed unable to form sensible words. His mouth was suddenly dry as he tried to chase the memory away. It was impossible to erase completely as his gaze was drawn to the dark cloud of her hair cascading over her shoulders, still so similar to the way it had been then. He swallowed and tried again. “Will you be back for lunch?”

  She looked at him rather speculatively and he realized he sounded like an idiot. Great.

  “You don’t need to take care of me. I intend to do my share. I’m certainly not looking to rely on anyone.”

  He stepped back, relieved she was staying but off-balance by how their relationship had changed and shaken by the immediacy of the memory and his reaction to it. He’d known Anna since she had been a little girl in braids. He’d been closer to her than any other person on the planet, at one time. And now she seemed a stranger, yet not.

  He’d just have to trust they could find their way to some sort of understanding.

  “Why don’t you take some time to rest? There’s no need for you to earn your keep.”

  She dropped her sunglasses down over her eyes, and he didn’t like how he couldn’t read them any longer. “There’s every reason. You don’t need to look after me,” she insisted.

  Look after her was exactly what he wanted to do. But he sensed a fight brewing and didn’t want to argue with her again. They could discuss it later.

  “I’ll see you later, then. Let me know if you need anything.”

  “I won’t,” she vowed and got back into the car. Before she could drive away, he turned and went into the house.

  Jace was conspicuously absent when Anna returned from town, the trunk of her car laden with items. Despite the isolation of the winery, there was something comforting in the gleam of the natural wood, the coziness of the surrounding evergreens. It was no wonder Jace had been taken with the area. Even though they were far from any big city—it would take the better part of a day to drive to Vancouver—she’d enjoyed the trip into the town.

  In time past, she would have been dismayed at the lack of fine stores, but her perspective had shifted. There were things more important than boutiques. The department store here was nothing fancy, but it stocked all she needed for herself and the children. There were two bags full of gadgets for childproofing a bachelor’s home. She hadn’t been able to resist the ruffled swimsuit for Aurelia either, and she’d picked up a cheap plastic pail and shovel for Matteo.

  Despite their upbringing thus far, the past few months had shown Anna the children cared little what things cost. They simply wanted to play and be loved. Anna knew she should have realized this much sooner. She’d felt the same way growing up. It was what had drawn her, and Alex, to Jace’s family in the first place. They hadn’t had material wealth like the Morellis, but there had always been boundless love. A smile and a kiss, a good-natured scolding and no one worried about spoiling precious clothing. They had each filled a need for the other—Anna and Alex’s need for family and Jace’s escape from poverty.

  She regretted that she’d allowed family expectation to go against her better instincts. It had been the done thing to have a nanny, to attend the endless social functions, to continue to work at Morelli in marketing. That had all changed in light of Stefano’s affair and the look on Matteo’s face as he’d witnessed her arguing with his father. In that moment, she had taken expectation and dismissed it as she should have long ago. Nothing was more important than her children knowing they were loved and wanted.

  Matteo ran around the yard as Anna retrieved the bags and the car seat holding a sleeping Aurelia. Yes, she realized, perhaps the town wasn’t the height of society, but how real was that anyway? Here people smiled and chatted, tourists and residents alike, and there was a sense of the unrushed about it.

  They’d had a fast-food lunch and then made a trip to the grocery store and the market. It had taken some searching, but she’d come home with the basic ingredients for polpettone and torta di mele. She had to show Jace she didn’t expect him to do anything. She wasn’t a natural cook like his mother was. But there were a few things she could make passably. In her house, the cooking traditions continued even though they were second-generation immigrants. It had been the housekeeper who had taught her to make Polpettone.

  Her purchases were rounded out by home-décor magazines. It had come to her that she could help with the abandoned guesthouse, bring it to life. Perhaps Jace hadn’t thought of it, but she knew it could be an extra source of income if he’d consider opening it up to paying guests. Offer wine tours. She could put her marketing expertise to good use and indulge her artistic side with the decorating. She hoped to get some inspiration for the guesthouse within the glossy pages. Visiting the ho
use was top of her list for the afternoon.

  “Mama, can we go swimming?”

  “Not now, pet.” She hefted the bags, again feeling very alone. There were times that an extra set of hands would definitely come in handy.

  “But…”

  “I said no, Matteo. I need to put these things away and we need to visit the guesthouse. Mama needs to help Jace.”

  “Why?”

  “Because he is being kind and letting us stay here and we do not want to take advantage of that.”

  But a young boy couldn’t be expected to understand, and his lower lip went out. “But that’s not fun. He’s not fun.”

  She sighed, taking the steps slowly with her load. Looking at it through Matteo’s eyes, she could understand where he was coming from. Jace had been cool with the children, despite his moment with Matteo and the car. So very different from the impish boy he’d been. And Matteo was mad at being caught out last night, breaking the glass on purpose.

  “Maybe we can pack a bag with some snacks and toys, and you can bring them along. I think there’s a back patio where you can play while I look around.”

  He grumbled more but under his breath, and Anna tried not to sigh. It wasn’t going to be easy being mama and working and trying to do it all with a smile. At the funeral, Alex had suggested she hire some help. Her dark look had clamped his mouth shut immediately.

  She would not have a nanny. Not ever again.

  Aurelia woke and Anna filled a sippy cup with milk while she packed a tote for Matteo. She hooked the bag over her shoulder, settled the baby in the crook of her arm, and with her other hand held by Matteo, they crossed the lawn to the guesthouse.

  It was unlocked, which was fine as it was empty and rather dirty. Matteo curled up his nose as the sunlight streaming through the windows illuminated dust motes. To the left was a large living room with a fireplace, and there were stairs directly ahead. She went through the living room to the kitchen, immediately taken with the rich, rustic wood beams throughout. It wasn’t as much of a house as a large cabin, and already pictures were flooding her brain of how it would look furnished and polished and ready for guests.

  A back door off the kitchen led to a small verandah, constructed of the same wide, reddish gold polished logs. The green space at the back wasn’t fenced, but it was bordered by shrubs and trees that formed their own barrier, enclosing a rich green lawn. “Do you want to play here?” She looked down at Matteo, who nodded.

  “Go!” Aurelia’s tiny voice piped up with one of the few words she managed, probably because it rhymed with “no” and that was her favorite word at the moment. Anna put Aurelia down on the grass and dropped the tote. She took out a small pack but left the rest.

  “You’ll look after your sister, won’t you, Matteo?”

  As soon as the words were out of her mouth, she felt a longing so strong it caught in her chest. The morning her mother had gone away, she’d looked at Alex and had spoken those very words. Only Alex and Anna hadn’t realized she wasn’t coming back. And when they did understand, Alex had kept his promise. He’d looked after her, for as long as she’d let him.

  She leaned down and kissed both children on their heads, their hair warm from the sunshine. She’d never leave her children. Never.

  “I’ll leave the screen open, and I’ll just be inside. You call me if you need me, okay?”

  “Okay, Mama.”

  By the time she’d reached the screen door again, Matteo had a large plastic ball out and was rolling it on the grass to Aurelia, who laughed and tried to kick it with her foot. She lost her balance and toppled onto her bottom, pushed herself up with chubby hands again and made another wobbly go at it.

  They would be fine. She wanted to get started. Wouldn’t it be sweet to go to Jace tonight and tell him of her plans? He would know she was down but not out. Looking forward.

  She took a notepad from the pack and a measuring tape from her pocket. As she went through each room, she measured and took notes. Once it was cleaned it would be a gorgeous chalet. The kitchen was well built, and should be stocked with a full complement of cookware and dinnerware. It was a rich agricultural area, and she thought that could be played up both in the décor and in their angle. Her mind whirring, she flipped a page and started listing questions and possibilities for different types of stays and amenities provided. Her sister-in-law, Melissa, was brilliant at this sort of thing, coming from a background in the hospitality industry. She’d run it past her too.

  Upstairs she discovered two large bedrooms, each with their own complete bath. One bedroom had French doors leading to a small balcony overlooking the valley, and she caught her breath at the view.

  She looked down over the slope of vines, breathing in the warm air as the sight of the neat rows filled her with a sense of calm. It was beautiful, green, gorgeous, well tended. Of course, with Jace it would be. He never settled for second best. Unlike herself…

  She set her lips. There was no sense thinking of that now. She couldn’t change the past.

  She went back inside and shut the doors, instead taking notes on renovations to the bathroom—a jetted tub would be a nice addition—and her ideas for furniture. Something sturdy, but not heavy like the current log-inspired bed. Rustic, but timeless. Satin sheets the color of Two Willows’s Syrah on the bed. A fire crackling in the corner. A table with a pair of crystal glasses to the side.

  She swallowed. It was so very wrong to picture herself here. With Jace. Yet here she was daydreaming, as if he hadn’t already broken her heart once. She’d be foolish to let herself get sentimental over him. Maybe this had been a big mistake. She should have known seeing him like this would resurrect old longings and regrets. She should have gone somewhere else. Anywhere.

  She closed her eyes against the pain that swept through her. The only thing was, she didn’t want to go anywhere else. She wanted Jace. It wasn’t rational and they had too much history for it not to be complicated, but deep down in her gut, she kept coming back to him. Despite the evidence, despite what she knew to be true, she also knew in her heart that Jace would provide the haven she needed right now. There was no one else she’d trust besides her brother. And Alex’s words had been so cutting after Stefano’s funeral that she couldn’t ask him for anything.

  It was just her terrible luck that she’d never quite forgotten how things had been with Jace. It was clear he was over it.

  A piercing wail broke her musings and her heart jumped. Louder, more shrill and with a fine edge of panic, the screams increased and Anna ran for the stairs. Oh God. She shouldn’t have left them alone in the yard while she stood here daydreaming. What had she done?

  She nearly slipped on the bottom stair and grasped the railing to keep upright, only to see Jace coming through the screen door, a flailing Aurelia in his arms and a sobbing Matteo at his heels. She stopped in her tracks, completely frozen with the shock of the scene. Jace was in control yet looking quite harassed as the baby flailed and screamed.

  “What happened?” She fired the question at him in Italian.

  “A bee.” The muscles in his arm bulged as he kept a firm grip on Aurelia, using the other one to wet a cloth he found in a drawer. He pressed the cold cloth against the baby’s arm. Anna rushed forward to examine the spot. It was red and swelling.

  “I got the stinger out.”

  Anna took Aurelia into her arms, but the baby didn’t seem to care who was holding her. Her cries continued.

  “I should have been with her.” She felt the weight of it heavy upon her. Why was it she seemed to fail at everything these days?

  “It probably would have happened anyway. Don’t be too hard on yourself.”

  Anna looked down at Aurelia’s arm. It was beginning to swell. Jace looked too. “Does she have allergies?”

  Anna’s gaze darted to him in alarm. “I have no idea. Should we have her checked?”

  Ever so calmly, Jace examined the tiny arm. “I don’t think so. The only swelling is
at the site. Of course a pharmacist would know better.”

  Matteo’s voice sounded particularly small, devoid of the bravado he’d been demonstrating of late.

  “I’m sorry, Mama. The bee came and she slapped at it.”

  “It’s not your fault, Matteo.”

  Two fat tears sat on the boy’s cheeks. Jace sighed. “I can run to the pharmacy if you like.”

  Anna looked up at him over the whimpers of the child in her arms. His talk of allergic reactions struck more fear in her than she was prepared for. She didn’t know what she’d do here alone if anything happened. And she hated feeling dependent on him. Why couldn’t things just be simple for a while?

  “We could…come with you.”

  A muscle ticked in his jaw as he took the cloth and re-wet it. He folded it carefully and placed it over the spot once more.

  “We’ll have to take your car, then.”

  She stared at him stupidly. “We will?”

  “The Porsche won’t handle baby seats.”

  She blushed. Of course. Nothing stated bachelorhood any stronger than a two-seater rocket with three hundred and fifty-five horsepower. There was a time long ago that such an obvious display of hubris wouldn’t have bothered her. Now it just accentuated how different their lives had become. How changed their priorities were.

  “Never mind. You must have things to do. You didn’t invite me here to be more trouble. I can drive us in.”

  “Anna, you’re in no shape to do that. Besides, you’ll have one eye on Aurelia all the time and you can’t drive safely that way.”

  She laughed a little, the sound dry. “You’re worried about safety when you drive that?” She gestured towards the parking pad with her chin.

  “I’m not driving children around, am I?”

  Her bubble deflated.

  “Let me take you.”

  “Fine.” She swept past him, carrying the diaper bag.

  The drive to town was quiet except for Aurelia’s whimpers. Anna was relatively sure now that the baby was fine, but the spot was still puffy and red. The pharmacist gave them some cream and an antihistamine to counteract the sting.