Breathe

by Donna Alward

  She still loved him. And he loved her. Always had. It had always been between them, an alive, breathing thing, only made dormant in the intervening years. Now, suddenly awakened, it was more powerful than ever. It had been awakened last night and acknowledged during their lovemaking.

  He imagined it was a lot for her to process. He wished he could go slowly, take his time to convince her. But he only had a week…and she was prepared to fight him every step of the way. He could tell by the way she kept her hands away from his. Careful not to touch.

  “I told Matteo we could go swimming.”

  “That’s a good idea.”

  It surprised him that she agreed, but perhaps they both understood the need for a distraction. “If you’ll get them ready—”

  “Jace, I—”

  “Not now.” His voice was low with warning. He had much to say, but not in front of the children.

  “I’ll meet you under the willow in ten minutes.” He spoke to Matteo but meant it for Anna.

  Anna finished folding the laundry and sighed. It would be so easy to stay, but what then? She put the tiny pajamas on top of the pile and rested her hand on the soft cotton. She wasn’t stupid. There was a lot between her and Jace. And she loved him. She loved him perhaps as much as she had as a girl. Maybe even more.

  Which meant nothing had changed. And she desperately needed it to change. She needed to break the pattern. Loving Jace had broken her heart and she wasn’t sure she could survive that again. It had led to her knee-jerk reaction of marrying Stefano, another huge mistake. She did not regret her children, but she did regret the choices she’d made that had brought them all to this place.

  She closed her eyes, trying to drive away the memory of his sheets on her skin, the warmth of him beside her. This had all happened because of a reaction to the past. It was flawed logic and when the fog cleared, who would pay the price? Matteo and Aurelia. Jace would realize he didn’t want the family package and they would be left again. Only this time it would be worse. This time there wouldn’t be any comfort in blame. She put her hand in her pocket and felt the locket resting there, warm against her skin. What it represented frightened her. She didn’t want his promises, not when she was so afraid he’d only break them. The thought of letting herself love him again and possibly losing him made it hard for her to breathe.

  She wished she could think of a way to make him understand that without starting another argument.

  The laundry completed and the children asleep, she decided she needed a walk. Slipping on her sandals, she tiptoed down the stairs and out the door, seeking the solace and privacy of the river.

  It was nearly dark when Jace looked out of his bedroom window and saw Anna beneath the curtain of the willow, leaning against the trunk, her head resting against the gnarly bark. She looked lonely. She looked very much as he’d felt since relocating here. For so long he’d wondered if he’d made a mistake buying the winery here instead of closer to home. He had chosen the Similkameen Valley because being close to Morelli was too much of a reminder. But he’d missed his family. He’d missed the companionship in the evenings, someone to share a table and a good-natured teasing with. Anna and her children had changed that in such a small space of time. They made Two Willows feel like home.

  In his bare feet, he stepped through the cool grass until he reached the tree.

  “Anna?”

  “Oh.” Anna hadn’t heard him approach, and hastily she ran her fingers under her eyes. She didn’t want him to see her crying, didn’t want him to know he was the cause of it.

  “We need to talk. About what happened last night. About what will happen now.”

  “Do we have to?”

  “I think so, yes.”

  He ducked under the green curtain and put his hands in his pockets. Anna sat, leaned her back against the trunk of the tree and crossed her legs at the knees. Her hair was still damp from the swim in the water with Aurelia. There had been times when Jace had caught her gaze and she’d known he was thinking about what she’d told him about the water just yesterday. As the children had splashed, Anna and Jace had been unusually quiet. All that time, this moment had lain ahead of them. And now it was here, and she didn’t know what to say.

  “Matteo is having difficulty understanding.” He spoke first.

  She nodded. It was surprising that his first thought would be for Matteo, especially when the two of them had butted heads so early on. It was a safer topic than discussing herself, but it was also a reminder of how involved Jace already was in their lives. Another reason why it was better to make the change now.

  “There has been a lot for him to digest, and he is confused. I didn’t realize he’d get so attached to being here. I hate that I have to hurt him again.”

  “So don’t. Stay.”

  The fact he was even asking sent a hidden thrill through her, but she pushed it away with logic. She wouldn’t settle for anything less than permanence, and she didn’t quite believe in anything permanent from Jace. Oh, he’d mean it for now, but parenthood wasn’t a few weeks in the summer at a winery. To pretend otherwise, to follow wherever it led would only hurt them all.

  “You are fooling yourself, thinking we can start over. Too much has passed. It’s why I cannot possibly accept your gift.”

  “Why am I fooling myself? I was there last night. I felt you in my arms. That was not pretending.”

  She considered, sighed and stared out over the river. “Yes, it was. It was pretending nothing had changed. It was acting on impulse. Impulses are exactly what destroyed us in the first place.”

  “Just don’t rush, Anna. Stay for a while. Give us time to make a decision. Think about the possibility.”

  “Until when? We both know it is only a matter of time and you’ll get tired of this competition with my father. You’ll hire a manager and only be here a few times a year while you do something else. There is no possibility.”

  She stared off into the distance at the ripples in the river, yet not truly seeing anything at all. Instead, her mind was full of images of Jace last night. His hands on her face just before he kissed her. The look of anguish in his eyes as she told him about their baby. And the way his soul had reached out and touched hers as they’d made love in the shadows of his room.

  “Too many attachments have been made. If we prolong it, it will hurt more in the end. My children have been hurt enough. If I go now, they will not remember.”

  “This isn’t about the children. And it sure as hell isn’t about your father. When did I ever give the impression that Two Willows was temporary?”

  “You’ve always moved around.”

  “I was learning. And looking.”

  “For what?” She furrowed her brow, suddenly unsure. Even Alex had expressed concern at Jace’s wandering ways over the years. But what if they’d been wrong?

  “For home,” he replied simply. “I thought I’d found a home.”

  She turned away. He thought his words spoke volumes, but he didn’t offer any guarantees. He never had.

  “This is about you,” he said. “And this is about you not trusting me. I didn’t trust you. I was a coward. I ran when it got difficult. And you didn’t trust me then either. You didn’t wait to see if I’d come back. Instead you rushed into marriage. One would hope we have grown since. That we have learned something.”

  She closed her eyes. She wanted to give in so badly it physically hurt, but she had done that once. She’d let herself love him with all her heart even knowing he wasn’t ready for it. It had nearly broken her in the end. She couldn’t do it again, and she couldn’t drag the children along with her. A woman’s heart could only take a beating so often.

  “Maybe it is about me,” she acquiesced quietly. “Once, I trusted you. I loved you. I gave you everything. And you walked away.”

  “I’m different now.”

  “How?” Convince me.

  He turned sideways, taking her hand in his. “I can provide for you now. I can p
rovide for you all. I can give you a good life. The life you have always deserved.”

  Tears stung the backs of her eyes. She didn’t give a good damn about his money. She had money of her own. This wasn’t about trusting him with her checkbook. It was about her heart, and the hearts of her children.

  “You haven’t changed at all, Jace. You still don’t get it.”

  He stiffened. “I am still not good enough for you, is that it?”

  She watched him soberly. “That is you talking, not me. You were always the one hung up on status and bank balances. I have never said you were not good enough for me. Not once. Until now.”

  “What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

  “It means you do not understand what I want any more now than you did then.” She pulled her hand out of his grasp. “I have been ‘taken care of’ my whole life. First by my father and Alex, and then Stefano. On the outside Stefano and I had a fine life. I had everything I could ever want. I had a husband who cared nothing for me beyond my connection to Morelli, and who thought so little of me as a woman that he had an affair with our nanny.

  “I don’t want that kind of love. I want to stand on my own two feet. I can look after myself. I do not need money. I have enough of my own. I certainly didn’t come here looking to get swept off my feet, or to fall into some situation where someone ‘looks after me’ again.”

  Her stomach tumbled as the words rolled off her tongue. Swept was exactly what he’d done last night. And he was right about one thing, it scared the living hell out of her. “I’m glad we talked, because finally it’s out in the open and we can put it behind us. But I’m not here to repeat past mistakes. Now I can start a new life. A good life.” She put her hands on her hips. “A life on my terms.”

  “Your children need a father.”

  Oh, how she agreed. And seeing the way Matteo had warmed to Jace only drove the matter home. But it was precisely why they had to go now, before the attachment grew even stronger. Matteo would not understand. “They had a father, and that didn’t work out so well. And now they have me. I won’t be pushed into something out of guilt for the situation I find myself in. I got in it. I’m now out of it and I’m going to make sure I stay that way.”

  Oh God, she’d come here so sure she could never love again, knowing that because of it she could put Matteo and Aurelia first. Now she was as deeply involved as she’d ever been and her longing was warring with doing what was right. What kind of a mother did that make her? She couldn’t put herself first. She’d done that all along. So even though she longed to give in, she pushed the idea away.

  “And I’m one of those mistakes.” There was a dangerous edge to his voice, but she wasn’t afraid of him anymore. She was far more afraid of herself and of giving into what she knew would be a terrible error in judgment. He was speaking from guilt about the past. He wasn’t making rational decisions, and right now one of them had to.

  “The time for looking backwards is past. That’s all this is. Us finally coming to terms with something that happened long ago. We’re older now, wiser. We’re not impulsive teenagers anymore. I’m looking forward, and right now that means going home. Setting up my business and loving Matteo and Aurelia. Let me do that, Jace. For the sake of our friendship and for the sake of my children.”

  She started to walk away. It would be so easy to give in and love him, just for now. It was only the fear of losing herself again that kept her feet moving one step in front of the other.

  “This time who is the coward?”

  His voice was pure acid aimed at her back, and it burned. But she kept walking, all the way to the house, all the way to the bedroom, where she closed the door behind her.

  For Jace, the following week was a disaster. First of all, it rained a good portion of the time and the children were fractious. There were no moments alone in which Jace and Anna could talk, try to work things out. Opportunities to press his case, make her see sense, never seemed to arise. Anna took the children to the guesthouse and worked with them there, supervising deliveries of new furniture and hanging drapes. Every time a truck drove in to the yard, he gritted his teeth. Every successful change was one closer to her leaving, and he had no idea how to convince Anna to stay. He countered each move with one of his own, but it seemed to get him nowhere. He didn’t know what she wanted from him. He was prepared to give her everything he had, and she handed it back to him as though it were dirty.

  She had to see that he was committed. He took a precious day and went to Kamloops, coming back without the Porsche but with a vehicle that looked like a cross between a car and a truck and had seats that could flip up to seat extra passengers. When she’d questioned him about it, he had stated that it seemed more practical than a sports car. He came in from a long day on Wednesday and then took Matteo out in the boat despite his fatigue. She wanted him to show her, and he was trying to do that.

  Then there was a crisis at the Two Willows vineyard in Osoyoos and he had to drive down to oversee it. Two more days lost, two days he could not be there to see her, talk to her.

  Finally, on Thursday, he drove up the 97 and made his way home. All he could think of was that tomorrow she could be making this drive going the other direction. And if he lost her this time, she’d be gone for good.

  He turned the car into the drive. For some reason it felt, for the first time, like coming home. The sun was deepening its shadows and as he got out of the driver’s side, he could hear mourning doves down over the hill.

  And then he saw her car with the trunk open and a single suitcase already inside.

  Fear struck his heart, replaced almost immediately with anger that she was in such a hurry to depart. Was he that much of a threat? Did she find being near him so very repulsive? Did his efforts mean nothing to her?

  At that moment she stepped out of the house with a bag on her shoulder and he froze.

  She did too, for a moment. He could have sworn she looked guilty. Was she planning on sneaking out before his return? Maybe leaving a note and not saying goodbye? Bitterness burned hotly in his veins. And she had the nerve to call him a coward. It appeared she couldn’t get away fast enough.

  “Going somewhere?”

  She pasted on a smile, but he saw through it.

  “It takes a while to pack for three. I don’t want to be rushed in the morning.”

  “Right.” He started walking towards her, saw the flare of panic in her eyes and took pleasure in it. “Where are you going?”

  “Home to Papa’s, for now.”

  “I see.”

  He paused in front of her and noticed her hand was fidgeting, holding the bag. She lifted her chin a little. “Did you want to see the guesthouse? It’s done, and I’m quite pleased with how it turned out.”

  “I don’t give a damn about the guesthouse,” he said pleasantly, the amiable tone a threat in itself.

  “You don’t—”

  “That’s right.”

  “But that was our deal, so you could expand, open it up for tourists, build Two Willows.”

  He stepped up onto the verandah beside her and stared into her wide eyes. She genuinely looked confused. He wasn’t sure how someone so smart and savvy could be so completely blind.

  “It was your idea, not mine. I went along with it because it was sensible and it gave you a purpose, and I knew you needed it. But you finishing is not why you’re leaving, so don’t pretend it is. You, Anna Morelli, are a first-class deceiver. Too bad the one you’re deceiving is yourself.”

  He strode past her, inside, wanting to see Matteo and Aurelia before she took them away. But the slam of the door told him he’d struck a nerve.

  “What is that supposed to mean?”

  She stood at the threshold of the kitchen, eyes blazing. Was she actually insulted?

  “It means that you are running away, and I don’t care what you say or how you defend it, that’s the truth. What was between us…what is between us, has got you so terrified you can’t g
et away fast enough. And you can turn it all on me if you want, but it’s not me. Or at least it’s not just me. It’s you, Anna. I’ve tried to tell you in every way I can, and I’ve tried to show you how much…how I want you to stay. I got rid of the car you called my ‘toy’ when you arrived. I spend time with your children and I do little things. Why do you think that is? You told me words weren’t enough. Well, you’re all packed and it’s made me see that maybe nothing I do will ever be enough. It’s just easier to blame me than to take a good long look in the mirror.”

  The bag dropped to the floor and he tried to ignore the sharp stabs of guilt as her eyes filled with tears.

  “That is the cruelest thing you have ever said to me.” Her voice was little more than a whisper.

  “It’s the truth.” He was unrelenting, but if he didn’t say it now, when could he? Tomorrow she’d be leaving him for good. “And if you’re leaving anyway, maybe it’s time for a little truth. The truth is you made a mistake in marrying Stefano. You didn’t wait before writing me off. You never felt the need to tell me about our baby, you just let me assume what had happened. You knew who I was, what I was, and made sure you married someone completely opposite. And when it all fell apart, you came to me anyway. Because you knew I could not say no to you.”

  “That makes me sound horrible, like some opportunist. That’s not how it was.” Her words were choked with tears.

  But Jace had held things in for years as well, and he’d somehow hoped that she would change her mind about leaving. Instead she was already packed and he could still smell the memory of her scent, still feel her touch, even when she wasn’t present. And he was hurt, dammit.

  “It’s exactly how it was. You laid the truth on me, and you made love with me, and then you tossed me aside. And you call me cruel,” he scoffed.

  “Jace, please.” It was a begging whisper.

  But there was no stopping him now. “You let me care. You let me hope. You brought your children into my life and now you are leaving it again.”