Invisible Tears

by Abigail Lawrence

  Mum packed me a night bag and said goodbye. When the doorbell rang, she gave me a lecture, telling me not to let her down. Uncle Joe walked in with a big grin. All the kids ran to the door squealing with delight, and as usual he had a pocket full of boiled sweets.

  I had no idea it was Uncle Joe I was going with, but when I did realise it, I was happy to get out of there. It was Monday and I hadn’t had a beating all day. I looked forward to playing in Uncle Joe’s garden. I jumped in his car eagerly waving goodbye and pleased as punch that I got to have a week off school. I hated school.

  When we arrived at his house, he had a friend waiting. He seemed very nice. I knew I had seen him before with mum but not for a long time, and I couldn’t remember where.

  “Don’t worry about him,” Uncle Joe said. “He’s just taking pictures.”

  I didn’t even have time to unpack. Uncle Joe threw my bag into the hallway and pulled me by the hand into the living room. It looked different this time; there was a big, white fluffy carpet and a sheet had been hung covering the wall and the pictures. The sofa had a dark, royal-blue throw over it with white cushions. Wow, it looks nice, I thought. He showed me the magazine again and told me to undress and copy the ladies in certain pictures. I felt shy with the man there and Uncle Joe started getting cross.

  “Do it properly, how I’ve taught you, or I will telephone your mother to get round here and sort you out.”

  “But. . .” It was all I could think to say. I didn’t want to upset Uncle Joe. He was always so nice to me.

  He went on, “I’ve spent a long time training you now, don’t show me up.” He warned me with a “you dare” look. Even though I was sure what I was doing wasn’t right, and I hated it, I couldn’t stop or mum would beat me even more. Uncle Joe had handed mum an envelope when he arrived at our house, and she was so happy. So I tried to copy the girls in the magazine. I couldn’t risk upsetting mum.

  I got undressed and sat on the arm of the sofa, cuddling myself. I was cold, exposed, and scared, but what could I do? Uncle Joe came straight over to me and yanked me to my feet. I was shocked. He was never rough with me before. I took a sharp intake of breath and felt the fear rising up in me, my heart beating hard and my legs felt a bit like jelly. Something was different, I sensed it. He had never handled me like that before and it scared me. He pushed me to the floor telling me to lie down. I could feel myself shaking and shivering. It was cold in the house. My stomach was churning, hurting too and I felt so sick. I started to whimper and I could feel a tear run down the side of my face to my ear.

  “Open your legs,” Uncle Joe said. He didn’t wait for me to comply but slapped my legs so hard the stinging made me cry out with pain. He placed his large hand over my mouth and asked if I wanted more. I shook my head no, pleading with eyes wide, tears running freely now.

  He took his hand away from my face and eased it slowly down my chest to my tummy he told me, “You only have to do what’s in the pictures.” His voice calmed, “It’s not a big deal.” He opened my legs, pulling them wide apart, “Bend your knees and put your feet on the floor,” he growled, his eyes piercing me with a stare while exposing my private bits. He put his fingers on my privates spreading them apart, moving aside so the camera got a good shot. Investigating my bits and pulling them around while his friend took pictures. I was so embarrassed, I looked away. He put one finger into me gently moving it in and out a little bit at a time. “Your dry,” he said and coughed up some phlegm in his throat and spat at my bits, rubbing harder and faster.

  “It burns,” I cried. He slapped my legs again, this time with the belt he had taken off and laid beside me.

  “Do you want more?” he threatened. My sobs were ignored as Uncle Joe started kissing my private bits. His tongue was warm as he licked me everywhere. His fingers twisted my boobies. He hurt me and it felt like he would pull them off as he bit my nipples.

  The man who was taking pictures was getting cross with Uncle Joe, shouting at him, “I have driven hours and paid a fortune to see this shit. So, get on with it and shut her up too.”

  Uncle Joe unzipped his trousers and, for the first time, took his willy out of his pants and held it to my face.

  “Suck it,” he said.

  “Like a straw?” I asked. He nodded grabbing my hair and twisting it tight between his fingers. “Ouch that hurts!” I cried.

  “Lick it,” he ordered, pulling my head right up to him. I could hear his breathing getting fast. He seemed in a rush. His willy looked huge. I had never seen a real, full grown one, only the ones in the magazines. I had seen Alex and Daniel when they had a bath, but they didn’t look like this, all hairy and purple. It was throbbing against my lips.

  I closed my eyes and started to cry when he backed off and smacked me hard across the face. “Now, pull yourself together!” he shouted. “I have full permission from your mum to beat the hell out of you if needed.”

  I believed him. I took it in my hands and sucked and licked his willy and played with it for what seemed like ages. The man took lots of pictures. Then Uncle Joe rubbed my private parts with his willy until the sticky goo came out, all over me. When he rubbed it on my tummy, I finally realised where the warm cream had come from.

  “You’re a good girl,” he said putting his pants back in place. “Your mummy will be very pleased this time.”

  I felt all icky, but I didn’t dare ask for a towel.

  Uncle Joe looked at the man and said, “That’s your lot. Anymore costs a damn sight more.” The man handed Uncle Joe a pile of money and walked out the door.

  How could he let Uncle Joe do this to me? I thought. Couldn’t he see me crying? He never said a word, just took lots of photos and left. Maybe he’ll show someone else what Uncle Joe did.

  Uncle Joe led me by the hand to a bedroom and told me to rest there. I lay on the fresh smelling bed whimpering and wondering what was going to happen. Uncle Joe’s telephone kept ringing and I could hear him talking.

  “The merchandise is here, prepared and ready,” he said several times on different phone calls. I could smell pipe tobacco and it took me back to when my real mummy was alive. For a while I forgot where I was.

  I must have drifted into a sleep because when I woke up, it was dark and I could hear voices downstairs. It took a few seconds to register where I was. A car engine started outside bringing me back to reality, and the voices moved from outside to inside the hall downstairs. After a few minutes I heard footsteps coming up the stairs and Uncle Joe opened the door.

  “Wakey, wakey sleepy head. You’ve got work to do.”

  “Work?” I repeated, confused and dazed from sleep and rubbing my eyes.

  “Oh yes, honey, you’ve got to make Uncle Joe some of his money back.”

  I didn’t have a clue what he was talking about. How do I owe him money? He led me downstairs with a reassuring arm around my waist.

  “Swallow this,” he gave me a tablet and a glass of water. “It will make you feel nice.”

  “No thank you,” I said. “I hate tablets.”

  “I’m not asking, I’m telling,” he demanded. “Now swallow the bloody thing.”

  He led me to the waiting car. “It tastes disgusting,” I grimaced.

  “Hop in sugar,” he opened the door. “You’ll be back in the morning.”

  I hesitated and stepped back, at which point he picked me up by the tops of my arms and threw me onto the back seat. He did it so easily, like you would pick up a doll. I must have been so light to him.

  “Any nonsense out here my girl and I will knock your block off,” he said.

  I didn’t know where to look or what to do. The car engine revved quietly then purred while Uncle Joe told the driver, “You have until six in the morning to have her back as there are other bookings.”

  I couldn’t even see the driver; it was pitch black. Where am I going? I asked myself. And with whom? As the car pulled out of the drive I wondered if I was going home, or rather, hoped I was. But then
I remembered mum saying I was away for a week.

  The car seemed to travel for ages, I remember starting to feel all silly, my body felt tingly and my head felt like it was going round and round like it was going to fall off. I felt sick for a while but then the sickness passed and I felt weird. I had never felt like this before. I couldn’t see straight and my fingers and toes were tingly too. My eyelids were getting heavy but I was too afraid to sleep.

  “Where are we going?” I asked the driver. No reply. He didn’t say a word the whole time until we got to where we were going. When we arrived the man got out and opened my door and said, “Follow me.” There were a few cars where we had parked, all different types. I saw a big white van with an angel and leaves on the side. I remembered the angel because daddy always said I was his angel.

  I could tell there were no houses around because all I could see were the shadows of trees, no lights anywhere. We walked and walked through the darkness. The man led me through the night for about 30 minutes to what looked like a barn. I thought we had arrived, but we walked by the barn and carried on walking. I couldn’t see very well but there was no one or nothing around. My skin was crawling with nerves, I was cold and shaking and felt sick. I don’t know why. Maybe shock from earlier that evening or that silly pill Uncle Joe gave me. We walked a while longer. I could feel long grass scratching my legs and rocks under my feet making it difficult to walk straight without my ankles giving way. I nearly fell over a few times.

  The man pushed me on, “Quicker,” he said each time I dawdled, shoving me in the back when I started to slow. It was dark and scary like a bad dream. I felt strange, my stomach was in knots with pains shooting in all directions and I was very dizzy. I couldn’t walk quickly because the ground was spinning and moving up to meet me. Suddenly, everything went black.

  Chapter 6

  I could see a light off in the darkness when my eyes opened. I must have fainted. The light seemed warm in the night sky, and it seemed to glow for quite a distance. There was nothing else at all that I could see in the pitch black but the light seemed welcoming.

  We had been walking for quite a while, the man carrying me in his arms. He was a big man. His hands are huge, I thought. I could see him now as I looked up into his face. He was quite tall too. I was never this high up when daddy lifted me. He had short hair and it was very fair. His eyes looked black in the dark and his eyebrows were thick and bushy almost like my daddy’s, but daddy’s eyebrows met in the middle. His skin was rough, his hands scraping my leg. He put me down when he saw I was awake. He smelt of oil, I knew that smell because I had smelt it before when I went to work with daddy at the truck yard.

  The grass was wet and I could feel the wetness seeping through my pumps. The sound of leaves crackling underfoot, twigs that were old and decaying were breaking into a thousand pieces. The rustling broke the silence that surrounded us walking through the woodland. The call of an owl pricked the night and gave life to it. I was still shaking, scared wasn’t the word for it. I was petrified!

  Tears had dried on my face making it feel tight, and I had a funny taste in my mouth from the silly pill. We reached the bright light at last and the man told me “We’re here now.” He took my hand in his and guided me up some steps into the house. It looked derelict with no furniture only a fire lit in the middle of the room. The flames lit the room with flickering shadows. Strange drawings hung around the place with all different shapes painted, like stuff we had learnt at school when we were taught about the Egyptians. We walked down a narrow hallway, following the murmurs and sounds of voices. I could hear every footstep because there was no carpet on the floor. I couldn’t see anything, it was so dark.

  A woman’s voice whispered, and for a moment I felt safe, until she said, “I have the camera. Get on with it, time is ticking, time is money, come on!”

  Camera? I thought. I know what that means.

  The man pushed me towards a different man, much older and grey haired into a room off the corridor. He then turned and walked away standing by the door. Almost straight away the old man threw me to the floor in front of him kicking me hard in my stomach. Why is he kicking me? I was confused and it felt like my insides were going to split. I screamed but nothing came out apart from a groan. I couldn’t breathe. Gasping for breath and clutching my stomach, I curled up my knees to try and ease the pain. There was no carpet, it was just wooden floorboards. They had been painted long ago as it was beginning to peel, leaving thick, rough edges to scratch my skin as I tried to crawl away.

  “That’s a taster of what’s to come if you don’t do as you’re told,” he said.

  I looked up and saw there were several people there, men and women. All stood around the outside of the room, saying nothing, just looking at me like I was a zebra in a zoo. Everyone was naked apart from the man who bought me there. I could hear footsteps and a woman walked in. She had three children with her, they looked about seven or eight years old, all girls.

  Lots of candles lit the room and the smell of burning wax filled the air. Again I was stripped of clothes for the second time that night. The woman kept clicking photos while the man fiddled with my nipples and pulled my bits around, stretching and pulling, pushing his fingers inside me. I knew I was tearing. I still felt funny after that silly tablet. Every now and then I would feel sick, but I almost felt like it wasn’t my body. Sometimes I could feel things and other times I couldn’t. A wave of numbness came over me, I couldn’t move, my legs wouldn’t listen.

  The flashing of cameras blinded me. I could see dots dancing in front of my eyes from the bright lights and the flashes stopped me from seeing the other people watching from behind the cameras. Who are they? I wondered. And why won’t they help me?

  “Help me!” I screamed, but nobody moved.

  A naked woman came over, put her hand on my shoulder and gave me a weird look. A man took pictures while the woman put her head between my legs and licked my bits. She squirted a tube on my bum then pushed a finger inside. Her fingernails were scratchy, but it was as if I had left my body and couldn’t feel pain anymore. Her fingers messed around with my privates, one finger in my bum and one finger in my bits, pushing back and forth. On her knees, with her other hand she started to play with her own private parts and moaned and groaned like she was dying. Whilst she did that, her breathing became heavy, and she kept repeating, “Oh my god! Oh my god!” like she was in pain. Her face twisted and creased up as she cried out, “I’m. . . I’m cumming!” Coming where? I thought.

  She looked like a pretty lady with long black hair almost down to her waist. Her eyes were dark brown and she had really long eyelashes. She wore a long, jewelled necklace that almost reached her stomach. I think she was about mum’s age, maybe about thirty years old.

  I had mentally gone to another place, a mixture of drugs and indignity. I could feel the fear disappearing. What am I to do, a nine-year-old girl against a room full of adults? I couldn’t do anything about it. Nothing really mattered anymore, not even when the woman took the camera and told the man, “Now get on with it, there isn’t much time left. She is very expensive.”

  The pain was unbelievable when he rammed his fingers inside me, I could feel the tearing again and there was a warm feeling running down my bottom. I didn’t know at the time I was bleeding. He seemed to get really wild as his breathing was heavy and he was banging his knuckles on my bits with his fingers inside.

  I couldn’t scream; no noise would come out and no one came to my screams anyway. I left this painful world again. I don’t know where I went, but I know I stopped feeling pain. It didn’t hurt at all when he rammed his willy into my bits. I remember him banging and pushing his body hard onto me, thrusting in and out. I couldn’t breathe, he was so heavy but it was like it wasn’t my body, I didn’t really care. I had given my body up almost like it wasn’t mine anymore.

  I have no concept how long I was there in that spooky house. Drifting in and out of consciousness, I lost all track of
time. The other kids were going through the same as me. In my fog I could hear screams and sobs every now and then, a girl’s voice begging, pleading not to hurt her anymore. She spoke with a southern accent too, Cockney I think? Her screams made me shiver so I went to my safe place and stayed there.

  When I woke I was being carried into another room. There was a little girl tied down with her legs open. She looked asleep. A man was painting on her with red paint. Another girl was sat on a naked woman’s tummy while the woman lay on the floor. The woman was told to suck the girl’s boobs. A man licked the woman’s private parts and another man squirted his willy all over her. I could see tears running down the girl’s face, and when she looked at me and a hand smacked her around the head.

  “Concentrate!” she was commanded.

  “Smile for the camera,” another man said.

  For a split second I made eye contact with another girl. She had short, dark hair and bright blue, sad eyes. A tiny scar was on her chin right by her mouth. She was sitting on a pillow posing like a model with a fake smile.

  Then I was taken out of the house and carried back to the car. My legs still wouldn’t move, they were like jelly. I couldn’t walk so I was yanked along half running, half being dragged. I must have fallen asleep again because when I woke up, I was pulled out of the car and carried back into Uncle Joe’s house. Uncle Joe gave me a bath and put me to bed, telling me how good I’d been and how it would be easy now. “The first time is always the worst,” he said.

  When I got out of the bath, he forced me to drink some foul tasting drink, Brandy he called it. He said I would feel better and it would make me sleep. I did sleep, so heavily that when I awoke it was late the next day. My whole body ached. I wanted to cry it hurt so much to move or walk. I found my way to the bathroom and cried quietly while I peed, the burning and stinging sensation on my bits was unbearable.