Invisible Tears

by Abigail Lawrence

  Riding horse’s allowed me a feeling of liberty. Galloping across the field bareback with no tack but a homemade head-collar, I was truly free. I could feel the horse with my legs and sense its intentions. It was like some kind of primordial urge to tame the beast. I pretended to ride like an Indian chasing buffalo or a cowboy flying out of town with a bag full of bank money.

  “Yiiipeee!” I screamed, waving my free hand like a rodeo queen.

  I rode a Dunn horse, an absolute beauty, and it was massive. I felt like a little girl again, like there was no end to summer and nothing to plan except the next day’s ride. Carefree, I beamed with pride to ride well enough to stay on. Sweaty patches on the horse’s firm back came from galloping around with a reckless teenager aboard. Of all the shit I had gone through, the sensations of happiness from a bareback ride provided an escape like no other, again and again every time I did it.

  For those people like my family, who lectured me on the dangers, riding bareback was foolhardy. “No saddle? No stirrups? How do you stay on?” With balance and anticipation of the horse’s response, with an instinct to mould my muscles into its ribs, with a little luck and a lot of practice and patience, that’s how. Riding bareback separated the wimps from the brave. No doubt, I was often reckless. I didn’t care about my life. I had no sense of danger. Riding without the security of a saddle was like taking drugs, unprotected sex or running with the mods, all a rush of unbridled adrenalin.

  I wore the badges of bareback riding--a few visible scars--with pride. The way my legs could completely relax alongside the horse’s body, my feet swinging to the same rhythm as its head felt so natural and tantalizing. There was no tension in my body, and my mind was free to explore. And I did. I just disappeared to a nice place, that nice place that only appeared on horseback. I had respect for horses, for their beauty and intelligence. It was the only thing I actually loved with all my heart.

  Riding through the forest, jumping broken trees and dodging bushes, I felt like I was floating. When I was on that horse there were no hospitals, no dying mums, no wicked step mothers, no perverted uncles just a thousand pounds of muscle straining to please me. It was a half-ton of living flesh throbbing between my legs, a rush no man could ever give me. On a dead-run, when I was not in full control, I loved every second. Girlie squeals come from my mouth as we raced up the meadow. Laughing out loud, there were no troubles in the world and I forgot everything, absolutely everything!

  The horses were soaked in sweat from our reckless riding. I slid off looking at the white foam where the rope had rubbed on her neck. I pulled long, dry grass and rubbed her down. She stood there closing her eyes enjoying the company and the human touch. After a while Claire and I ran off down the meadow laughing and jabbering, all energized after our thrill ride. We didn’t give a toss they didn’t belong to us. I truly believed we were doing those horses a favour. Without their twice weekly ride, they probably didn’t have much human contact. Of all the times we rode them, we were never once challenged by anyone.

  “Huh hum,” the cough from Albert clearing his throat brought me back to my senses. Oh shit! I looked up from where I had been scratching the table in a daydream.

  Chapter 14

  A massive reality check struck as I remembered where I was. I heard Maggie’s voice on the other side of the door, but I was told I wasn’t legally permitted to speak to any witnesses prior to the hearing. If I said I wasn’t scared. I would have been lying. I was petrified. With the exception of Albert everyone just spoke at me, dictating this or that or having conversations about me as if I wasn’t even there.

  The building was old. It had marble floors and all the furniture was bolted down. The bookshelves were nailed to the walls too. Who is going to steal them? I thought. They would need a lorry. The seats were plastic, similar to the ones you find in the school canteen, and they weren’t in-keeping with the rest of the building. The old stone, antique wood and marble floors were beautiful. I was sure there must be a reason the chairs were made of plastic. I might have been only 15, but I knew what looked good.

  “Vandals,” Albert read my mind. “They bolt them down so people can’t throw ‘em.”

  ”Throw them?” I giggled, as I imagined someone throwing chairs at the Judge while he shouted, “Guilty!” with a plum in his mouth.

  In turn my name was called, and Albert stood in the doorway beckoning me to follow. I did so with purpose and pride in my steps. I really didn’t give a toss what this Judge said. I just wanted the whole palaver to be over and done with. Or that’s the impression I wanted to give.

  I had a weekender coming up and there was planning to be done. I was going to Margate to meet up with my mates, and it felt like I hadn’t seen them for ages. Dave had taken up quite a lot of my time recently, so I felt like I had neglected the mods. I wanted to make it up to them and go out and have some fun, although Dave was supposed to go along.

  The Judge looked pretty normal to be fair, apart from a wig on his head, which he took off as I entered the room. He looked and sounded like a nice guy. There were people on either side of him. It wasn’t the type of court I had imagined from what I had seen on TV.

  The Judge told me to sit down and various reports were read. Then the witnesses were asked to stand up and were questioned on their written statements. They even had a report prepared by the school. Of all the nerve, I thought. What business is it of theirs what I was doing at school?

  The Judge sat and listened intently, occasionally looking over in my direction. I was yawning and getting totally fed up fidgeting and sighing the whole time, until the Judge called for Maggie. That grabbed my attention.

  Maggie walked into the court, looking very smart in a suit. She fit in well with everyone else in suits. As she passed me, she gave me a nervous smile before walking with her eyes fixed on the floor, avoiding the gaze of everyone in the Court. She made her way to the seat where she had been guided by the Court usher. She looked a lot more nervous than I did. Well, serves her right. If she had collected me from the Police station, we wouldn’t be here, now would we? The Judge asked her all about me. How long she and dad had been living together? And, what sort of child I was?

  Maggie proceeded down her shit list. She told the Judge of all the things I had done since she had been living with dad: the lying, the stealing, how I would run away all the time and that she quite literally had no control over me. She spoke of the kinds of things she had tried to make me stop. “But, no matter what I tried,” she said, “Abbie ignored me.” She continued to tell them how I would steal alcohol and cigarettes and disappear for weekends, sometimes longer. She went on to say that she and dad were worried that something serious would happen to me if someone didn’t take control. She said she had given me her best shot, but she was done trying and couldn’t do any more. “I don’t even WANT to do any more,” she said in a desperate tone.

  My mind was reeling. When catalogued like that, I sound awful. But what she and the court failed to realise is at least half of what she listed was actually Alex. At that moment I thought to myself, If only I had told them sooner.

  What on Earth was Maggie worried about anyway? I knew she was unaware of my true past. Molly was the only person who knew the full extent of what happened to me. If Maggie had known, I was sure she would have picked me up from the station. She certainly wouldn’t be in Court saying all these nasty things and making me look like shit.

  I kept looking around thinking, Where is Alex? Perhaps he hadn’t been allowed to attend court. I suspect he wasn’t. He had gotten himself a job in a supermarket after school as he wanted money for going on scooter rallies and for drink and drugs. Apparently he didn’t steal much at all when I wasn’t around. He had become the blue-eyed boy and he wouldn’t want to spoil those impressions, so he got a job. I hadn’t seen him for ages, just typical of him to not be bothered about my troubles. Why doesn’t Alex ever stand up and take the blame he’s due? But then to be honest, if people really liked to thin
k it was all me, then let them. Let them believe whatever they wanted. I really didn’t care! I was 15 now, totally capable of looking out for myself. Those here in Court obviously felt differently.

  Maggie’s report continued something like:

  “I would often walk Abbie to school to ensure she attended, but as soon as I had turned my back she would change out of school uniform into miniskirts and other inappropriate clothing. She had no respect for anyone including myself and was getting deeper and deeper in trouble.”

  The Judge asked me to wait outside for a while.

  Albert escorted me outside with a worried look and whispered, “Not good.”

  “Whatever,” I responded shrugging and scraping my foot on the floor. There was a small stone that my foot found, and I was pushing it back and forth scraping the wooden floor in the side room. I had had enough. I was tired, and I couldn’t be bothered with this crap. I just wanted to get out of here.

  I sat back in the little room on my own, while Albert went to fetch a drink. I wasn’t allowed out in the public waiting area because I was under 16, but I could hear the voices and all the people coming and going. I thought about running, I knew Albert wouldn’t catch me but I also knew I had to get it over with. If it didn’t happen today, it would another.

  It seemed an eternity before I was finally called back into the courtroom. I passed Maggie on her way out and she was crying.

  “I’m sooo sorry,” she mouthed at me like I could read lips. Why is she crying? What does she have to be sorry for? What has she done?

  The Judge asked me to sit down and coldly delivered his speech. “Young lady, for your own safety you are being made a Ward of Court. When your parents refused to collect you at the Police station, Social Services was left with little or no choice but to start the process of handing parental control to a Judge. This means your Social worker has become responsible for reporting your future behaviour. Before you will be allowed back home, your behaviour must improve. For now I will arrange for you to be taken care of.”

  I almost belted out, What, like Uncle Joe or the others? I could feel myself getting angry. They really had no clue. They wouldn’t do anything even if they did. I know they wouldn’t! I was to be taken into care, to a residential home whilst I sorted out my behaviour.

  “Ha!” I laughed out loud shaking my head. What a bunch of pricks, the lot of them.

  Albert assured me it would be “okay” and asked me to calm down. “You can go home when you get yourself sorted out. You just need a little help, that’s all.”

  Where was the help when I was a kid?

  I needed to get hold of Dave. How will he know where to find me? What about Alex? Albert reassured me he would let everyone know where I was and not to worry, it would all be okay. I had no choice, the police escorted me into his car. I didn’t know where I was going or what would happen.

  Chapter 15

  The children’s home was about ten miles from my house. I knew the area but not well. I watched as we passed different roads and junctions while trying my hardest to remember where we had been. We turned into a quiet lane and drove for about one more mile before turning into a large private driveway with a mini-roundabout full of flowers. The lawns were looked after as was the rest of the garden. It looked so tidy, so posh. The gardener popped his head around from a shed door and nodded hello. I just looked at him wondering what went on in his shed.

  The house was massive, the heavy, wooden double doors were very impressive indeed. They had stained glass panels either side and a large brass, horseshoe door knocker. Albert rang the bell and a voice called out asking us to come in.

  The woman in the hall was up a ladder putting a light bulb in the fitting on the ceiling.

  “If you want something done, do it yourself,” she called down to Albert. “Staff are bloody useless here.” She jumped down and walked towards me hand outstretched to shake my hand.

  Pfft! Shake my hand? I laughed. Does she think I’m a businessman or something? I offered my hand, and she shook it. I don’t think I had ever shook hands with anyone before that.

  “Jane is my name, and I do all sorts around here including changing light bulbs. In fact, I’m pretty much a general dog’s body.” She nodded towards the light, raised her eyebrows and tutted.

  “Follow me, I’ll show you around.” She led the way with purpose. I felt like she was rushing. Maybe I’m keeping her from doing other stuff, maybe changing more light bulbs? On we marched room after room, “This is the dining room,” she said, pointing through a doorway. There was a table laid with ten places. Ten kids?

  “Oh great that’s all I need,” I murmured to Albert.

  He smiled and said, “Behave,” in an attempt to sound authoritative.

  “Where do I sleep?” I questioned Jane.

  “Right at the top of the stairs,” she said as she led the way into what looked like the attic. She told me how I had been given my own room because I was one of the oldest there.

  Too right, I thought as we climbed three flights of stairs. Do they really think I would share? The room next to mine was shared by twin sisters six months younger than me. The rest of the kids slept on the floors below. We had our own fire escape in the attic which was a metal staircase attached to the outside of the building. My room had views over the back garden with nothing very exciting to see. Unless you like looking at huge fern trees, I thought. They seemed to have been planted there to prevent neighbours from being nosey. The adjoining properties were totally hidden from sight.

  Nothing really exciting to do here, I thought as I turned my attention to my room. A single bed along the wall near the window gave me something to kneel on as I looked out. The bed wasn’t made, but it had a pile of sheets and blankets neatly folded at the bottom end. A cream dressing table sat on the facing wall with a small, delicately carved vanity mirror. A wicker chair sat in the corner with a red cushion. There were several pictures on the walls, pictures of puppies and kittens and a forest scene with rabbits. The wall near the door had a full length mirror. I surveyed myself checking out my hair and makeup as a voice beckoned Jane. We made our way back downstairs.

  Out of what looked like an office came a young woman about 25 years old. Introducing herself as the manager of the home, her name was Elsie. She stood there and lectured me about house rules, at which point I turned and began walking away.

  “Where do you think you’re going?” she called after me. Following me, she tried to grab my arm.

  “Get the fuck off me!” I screamed in her face, snatching my arm away. “If you touch me again you’ll be fucking sorry.” I threatened her and meant it. Who the hell does she think she is?

  “Let’s try again,” she said. “You’re obviously upset.”

  “Upset? Upset? You don’t know the fucking half of it,” I said with a lump in my throat. I wasn’t about to feel sorry for myself, especially today. I didn’t normally so why start now? I pulled myself together quickly so the tears didn’t come. I couldn’t remember when I last cried, but even then, it was crocodile tears not real ones.

  “Come on Abbie, calm down,” Albert butted in.

  “Abbie, please can we try again?” Jane looked at me pleading and trying a different tactic. It was enough to make me pause and think. I followed her back into the office.

  “If all you want to do is lecture me then don’t bother,” I said as I slumped onto a chair. She nodded and smiled. She looked over to Albert raising her eyebrows as if to say, We’ve got a tough one here haven’t we? “Okay then, let’s just try one or two rules today shall we? No fighting here and curfew is 9:00 pm.”

  “You’ve got to be kidding,” I laughed. “I’m not a baby you know. If you think I am coming in at 9:00 pm you’ve got another thing coming.”

  I couldn’t be bothered to argue. I was tired and upset, so I shrugged my shoulders and said I would try just so I could get away. But I wouldn’t promise anything.

  Albert stood up as if to leave. I f
ollowed him to the door where he handed me a pack of cigarettes and a £5 note. He promised to go straight to the barracks and leave a message for Dave telling him where I was.

  “Don’t forget,” I called after him.

  “Don’t worry. Just you behave,” he winked and smiled back at me.

  As I watched him get into his old red Beetle, I knew once again I was alone. I asked Jane where I could smoke and walked out into the garden where I sat and stared into space. I wondered if my dad had ever really cared about me, I mean really, truly cared.

  A yellow minibus pulled into the drive. I watched as kids jumped off laughing and looking really happy. Two older girls got off, both had skinhead haircuts. They are having a fucking laugh, I thought to myself. I’m a mod and they put me in a kid’s home with skins? Do they want to see fights or something? I thought to myself remembering the grief I went through with Sheila.

  I walked further away down the garden to plan what to do next. I didn’t know exactly where I was or how to get hold of Dave, so I thought I had better wait until Albert got hold of him. Then we could sort everything out together. The skinhead girls followed me up to the end of the garden, and I readied myself for a fight. They approached me and asked if I had a spare fag?

  “You have got to be fuckin’ joking!” I replied sarcastically.

  “We don’t want trouble,” they said, one girl holding her hands up as if to surrender.

  “We’ve got to live together so let’s just try and get on shall we?” She was pretty smart really. I wasn’t in the mood for trouble.

  I felt like I was sinking, like the whole world was swallowing me up. I offered the girls a cigarette, lit it for them and then sat and listened while they told me their life story. Their parents were killed in a car crash and they were waiting to go into foster care. I told them I had been dumped by my dad and his new girlfriend. They thought I was pretty cool to get into so much trouble at my age.