Invisible Tears

by Abigail Lawrence

  We pulled up outside a large terraced house. It had four floors and each window at the front had a balcony. I was pretty excited, Wow! This could be good, especially if I get a room facing the sea. The row of houses on the seafront all looked the same. They looked like something off a postcard, all perfect and all staring out over the ocean.

  As we got out of the car a sharp sea breeze hit me. The smell of fish and the noise of people on the beach, kids running around having fun, I found it all captivating. It was half-term at school and the beach was busy. I felt like I was arriving on holiday. This is brilliant, I thought to myself. It certainly doesn’t feel like a punishment. Is it meant to feel like one? Will they be giving me a taste of the good life then snatching it away? What is “supported lodgings” anyway?

  We made our way up the steep front steps then walked around the path to the side of the building and to the side door. A tall, blonde woman answered the door bell. She had a baby resting on her hip. It was busy grabbing her hair and trying to stuff it in its mouth alongside the dummy that was already getting sucked the life out of. The baby looked at me and made a few noises. It gave me a big smile and dropped its dummy onto the pavement to reveal a mouth with no teeth and a little gummy smile.

  Sweet kid, I thought and smiled back.

  “My name is Evie and this is my home,” she said bending down to pick up the dummy. She walked back inside beckoning us to follow. The ceiling seemed to go up forever, it was so high. The carpet was red and fluffy and the sort you could sink your toes into. It brought back memories of my real mum sitting on the landing.

  She walked into the kitchen and pointed towards the big wooden table.

  “Have a seat,” she said as she walked over the other side of the room and put the baby into a playpen. It immediately started banging toys and making lots of noise. Evie looked tired and gave a huge sigh as she put the kettle on.

  “I expect people here to have respect for one another,” obviously aimed at me.

  “Are you talking to me?” I enquired.

  “There’s a list of house rules that everyone is expected to follow. If you don’t follow them then you’re out, no second chances I’m afraid.” She looked at me and handed me a sheet of paper.

  I shrugged my shoulders and did my very best to keep my mouth shut. I could see Albert cringing, probably hoping I didn’t blow it before I had even seen my room. She shouted for a guy to come and watch the baby while she showed me around. She led the way around a maze of stairways and corridors.

  This place is like the tardis from Dr. Who, I thought. It was huge inside, a lot bigger than it appeared from the outside. Two floors up and around several corridors was my room. She opened the door and stood aside so I could go in. It was very basic and small in comparison to my last room. It had a single bed, a dark wood single wardrobe with built in drawers and a small matching dressing table with a table top fridge.

  “You get four slices of bread and one pint of milk a day,” she said. “That way if you blow your money you won’t starve.” She smiled at me. The best thing about the room was that it was at the front of the property. I had a small balcony, not big enough to go out onto really but I had a full view of the sea from my room. Wow, I thought, what a view!

  “Well?” she asked.

  “I am very happy with it,” I replied.

  “Good, good, then let’s move on and see the rest.” She walked out of the room and led the way around the house showing me a shared bathroom, the toilet and then a shared communal kitchen and lounge.

  “There are eight people living here,” she said to Albert. “Abbie will be the youngest. Elvin is the eldest at 18, but he’s moving out in a few months.” She waffled on about rules and respecting privacy and the like and handed me the key to my room together with the key to the front door. I was to use the front door only as the side entrance was hers. “I’ve got work to do,” she said. “I’ll let the two of you settle.”

  Albert handed me £80.

  “This is to tide you over until you start getting your dole money. Don’t blow it, it’s for food.” He arranged that he would come by once a month to check on me then walked out of the door,

  “But when. .?” I called after him.

  He turned to give me some explanation.

  “You wanted your independence Hun,” he said sarcastically whilst grinning, “Well, now you’ve got it, let’s see what you do. Don’t BLOW IT!”

  I think it was the most authoritative thing he ever said to me. It almost made me giggle. Albert couldn’t argue his way out of a paper bag, I thought, never mind get all tough now!

  “I will see you in a few weeks,” he called up to me as I waved to him from my balcony.

  Chapter 23

  I’d heard of dole money, but I didn’t really know what it was or how it worked. I’d figure that out when I had to. But one thing was sure, I felt rich with £80 in my pocket to do with whatever I wanted. I can honestly say it was the most money I had ever held in one go that had been given to me honestly and not stolen. Evie said she would take me to the supermarket and show me around the place tomorrow, but for tonight it would have to be fish and chips.

  I wandered up the seafront, taking in all the sights and sounds. It was getting dark but the lights from the arcades lit up the night sky making it a Technicolor evening. The sound of fruit machines and music from cafés filled the air. It was a magical moment and I could hardly believe my good fortune. To hell with the children’s home, this is living.

  It didn’t take me long to spot the scooters parked outside one of the arcades. It was Margate after all. Nervously, I walked up to the arcade peeking in the window as I neared to see if I knew anyone in there. I recognised no one but just as I reached the end of the arcade, I noticed a couple of scooterists playing pinball. There was a girl sitting on the edge of the car racing game. I could tell she was not impressed with what the boys were playing. She was more interested in her shoes, pointing and putting her foot in different directions.

  Maybe they’re new, I thought. I don’t know where the bravery came from but I walked into the arcade, past the noise of the arms being pulled on fruit machines and people playing Space Invaders. I walked straight up to the girl, smiled and said, “Hi, I’ve just moved here. Is there anywhere to go in Margate in the evening.”

  She looked me up and down and then smiled back. “Yeah sure, hang with us a while, and we’ll show you around.”

  That was the first time I met Lilly. I think she was pleased there was another girl on the scene. I spent the evening with them hanging out on the seafront and making arrangements to meet up the following day. I made my way back to my new digs relieved. At least now I knew someone in Margate. I had found a fellow mod friend here, someone who I sensed was going to become a close friend as we’d hit it off straight away.

  Outside my room was the promised bread, wrapped in cling film and beside it was a small carton of milk. I carried it into my room and put it into the fridge. The fridge looked pretty stark with just milk in it.

  I unpacked my things and sat on the end of the bed listening to the sounds of my new environs. I didn’t have a TV or a radio so I just sat there for what seemed an eternity. I could hear the traffic on the seafront, people giggling and walking by eating their candy floss. I stood up and went over to the window. Leaning on the wall I looked out and watched. I could see the multi-coloured sky from the arcade lights and people walking up and down the beach. I couldn’t believe how busy it was at night. How will I sleep through this noise? I thought to myself. So I went for another look around the house and found the shared kitchen. There were a few guys in the sitting room. All got up to come and say hello. I was a bit shocked by their friendliness. They must have thought I was stuck up or something, as I didn’t really have much to say. I made a hasty retreat to my room.

  I threw myself onto my bed and just lay there listening to the sound of traffic. Is this my new life? Am I here forever? I wondered what Dave was doing
? What about Alex, Dad and Maggie? Not that I cared really. They obviously didn’t care about me or I wouldn’t be here. I wondered if Albert would tell them where I was. My mind wouldn’t stop working. It was going round and round thinking about my life and how I really didn’t have anyone I could trust anymore, apart from Albert. I didn’t even have any pills to help me sleep. That was something I needed to work on the following day. I made a mental note. Drugs.

  Albert rang saying that Dave had been trying to get in touch and left his address for me. I took the opportunity to write a letter, telling him that I felt it really wouldn’t work anymore. Because of what he had done, I felt lied to and cheated on, that he had deserted me in Leicester and how it had made me feel inside. I told him I was on my own now with my own place. I had no one and it was best left that way. I didn’t want to drag him down with me. I told him how I was bad news for him and that he should just move on. I guess I sounded pretty heartless. I didn’t have anything nice to say, not after what he did to me, leaving me to the police.

  I wasn’t really on my own in the house, I still had to abide by the rules. In my world there aren’t any rules! I wasn’t allowed boys in my room, for example. I still had someone telling me what I could and couldn’t do, so although I had my own place, I really wasn’t on my own where I could make ALL the decisions. There weren’t any rules about times to be in. I could stay out all night if I wanted to, but I had to check in on a daily basis and sign the day book, so Evie could check that I was still alive.

  Evie took me around the neighbourhood. She showed me the supermarket and the unemployment office. She suggested I continue with my education, at least until my exams which were scheduled for the following summer.

  “Albert has arranged for you to go to your old school, just to do the exams. So it’s up to you if you want some help with home schooling.”

  “I don’t need any help,” I said. “I’ll be fine.” What is she thinking? I can’t be bothered doing exams. What’s all the fuss over education anyway?

  My fridge looked good. I stocked it with various yoghurts, packets of cooked meat, cheese, and I had some fresh juice and chicken for tonight’s tea. I had no idea how to cook really, but I guessed I was about to learn pretty sharpish. I set aside a drawer in the wardrobe where I kept packets of crisps and biscuits. I put up a few posters of Paul Weller and the Jam, as well as pictures of The Who and the Beatles. I had purchased them from a shop along the promenade. My room seemed a little more like home.

  I met Lilly that night down on the seafront. There were several scooters there, all wanting to meet the new girl in town. It didn’t take long before I was a part of the group spending most of my time with them. I went to parties, to gigs and on all the scooter rallies and weekenders I could get a lift to. Evie didn’t mind the weekenders as long as I told her I was going and when I would be back. I couldn’t do enough partying. Most of my friends who lived at home required their parent’s permission, so a lot of the time I was able to go to gigs when my friends weren’t. It sort of defeated the benefit of my having all this freedom. No one else does, so what’s the point?

  I spent most of the dole on going out, snacks, cigarettes and drugs when I could get them. I lived pretty much on beans on toast. Whomever I was hanging around depended what drugs I used. I tried glue-sniffing with some of my skinhead friends the year before, but I hated that. I couldn’t understand what the draw was. It made me sick and totally out of control. On top of that, the shop keepers got wise to it and started asking for ID. Other times I would take pills, never knowing what they were or what they did to you. I wasn’t really bothered either as long as they gave me a buzz and an escape.

  Lilly and I became inseparable. She lived at home with her parents and younger sister and was always in trouble too. When I looked back, I probably caused most of it, pushing her to do things she wouldn’t have done without me around. We became like sisters, swapping clothes and borrowing each other’s things. She was extremely kind to everyone, totally different to how I was, but that was why we got on so well. She was so easily manipulated.

  Lilly was very pretty too. She had short blonde hair which she backcombed, her makeup the same as my trademark, bitch lines and white or pink lipstick. We would quite literally spend hours trailing around the second-hand shops searching for authentic 60’s clothing. There were some fantastic bargains to be had, and we always looked good. Walking down the road together we projected an air of, Don’t even bother, we’re too good for you. We strutted with an attitude, but it didn’t stop the guys looking or trying to go out with us. We were never short of boyfriends, and it was nice to be able to choose.

  Chapter 24

  By the time the band came on stage the crowd packed in, a mass of throbbing hormones. Although not as manic as some mod gigs there was still a vibrant and explosive atmosphere. Electric guitar magic was in the air and amps were cranked to the max. We all surged towards the stage as the first song, Now It’s Gone, echoed through the hall. I was psyched! This was what I lived for, that nerve tingle of mass hysteria. All four members of the band looked amazingly cool. The energy and pent up excitement of the crowd built to a crescendo as The Chords rattled through one mod anthem after another. It was like a nuclear bomb ready to explode.

  I looked around recognising several faces in the crowd. The north London mod’s were there in high numbers. They normally didn’t turn up with quite so big a group, but they were there alongside other groups that I had never seen, but all great just the same. Mod scenes were popping up all over Britain.

  The mod revival craze is here, I thought, and I’m right in the middle of it!

  Some of the Shepherds Bush boys were there too, more familiar faces I’d seen around, but I wasn’t convinced we could rely on them in a fight. They were a bit unpredictable in a ruck. Normally we mods were solid together, but a conflict of interest stirred the crowd: some wanted to party and some wanted a scrap. I thought, Only Kev from the Canterbury mob is one-hundred-percent trustworthy. You could always rely on him in a brawl.

  There were a few of the Peckham lads present whom I exchanged nods with, but our mates, Pete and his mob, weren’t there. Probably still recovering from Saturday, I smiled to myself remembering the mayhem at the London train station after the gig last week. A few of the lads and I had tried phoning Pete since, but funnily enough, he never seemed to be in. It was like he just disappeared. We counted him out!

  The band’s set was coming to an end. The closing song, Maybe Tomorrow, built up the atmosphere signalling the end of another immense performance. In my view, The Chords was one of the best mod bands, outside The Jam, on the circuit.

  Liquor, sweat and other body-fluids dripped from everywhere, teenagers, walls and the ceiling, and, finally, the band left the stage. Adrenaline pumped through the crowd in anticipation of what would happen outside adding a certain something to the violent atmosphere the band helped fuel.

  I grabbed Lilly by the hand and pulled her through towards where some of my friends, Harry, Kev and their mates were gathering. Harry nodded over at me, winked, and turned to his mob.

  “Everyone ready then?” he screamed.

  They knew what he meant and his challenge was met with a few nods and murmurs. No one was in the mood for talking, they were all too busy hyping themselves up to be tougher than the rest.

  “Okay!” he yelled.

  The way he conducted the orchestra of teenagers excited me even more. Harry is sooo damn cool!

  “Lets fuckin’ get it over with. Go!” Kev shouted as he began moving towards the entrance, pushing the crowd to the front door.

  I had seen what masses of wild young lads could do and my stomach was turning somersaults. My mouth was dry and my heart pounded as I walked or rather, was carried along by the crowd. A battalion of bodies surged against me from behind and pushed me into the cool, night air. To be honest, at that very moment, I felt like I was going to be sick. I was light headed and my legs felt like jelly. Lilly
squeezed my hand in a death grip trying to hang on. I turned and smiled at her pretending I was cool with it all. The truth be told, I was scared shitless, but I thrived on it. Lilly looked petrified as we headed along the side of the bridge towards the station. It was only a matter of a few minutes away, but it felt more like miles. We were blocked with railway arches on one side and a high brick wall of the housing estates on the other. It was the perfect place for an ambush, and I smelled trouble!

  There were about 60 of us who had left together for the train. The rest remained behind for the usual disco and to have a few drinks. Most of us had to leave in order to get the last tube home or some of our mates would be in serious shit with their parents.

  We made it all the way to the junction in the road near the station when I heard a rumble like an approaching thunderstorm. It’s a relief really, and about time too, I thought, knowing what to expect. All the waiting had been doing my head in. Once it started and really kicked off, you didn’t have time to think or worry, you just shifted into auto-pilot. It was fight or flight, or in most cases both!

  First a bottle smashed into the head of one of Kev’s mates who immediately fell to the deck. It sounded like someone dropped a water-balloon and blood shot everywhere. Then came the barrage.

  “Shit! Run!” Kev screamed.

  I could see them in the ally by the junction charging toward us, hundreds of them it seemed, like some kind of nightmare. They were lobbing missiles of all descriptions from the estate on the other side, bits of wood, bottles, dustbins and road cones. You name it, it flew at us like a driving hailstorm.