Catch Me When I Fall

by Nicci French

  ‘And now?’

  ‘And now it couldn’t be further from my mind.’ Holly pulled her coat more closely about her. ‘These goats are great,’ she said. ‘I completely agree with you about their therapeutic qualities. But don’t you find that sometimes somewhere indoors and warm with a mug of coffee is even more effective?’

  We sat and drank coffee and Holly ate a muffin and we talked over the details of her return to work. When I arrived at her house I had wanted to be able to say of Holly that ‘she lived happily ever after’. I saw now that what that would have to mean was that she lived dutifully ever after. The play, the wild adventure, the dream, the romance, the fantasy, they were all over. Now Holly would have to see what life was like when you were sober. She had to lead a career, make her marriage work. It was all about arrangements, appointments, being on time.

  Holly seemed reluctant to talk about this in too much detail, as if I were a parent nagging her to do her homework and her music practice. She said that Dr Thorne had told her there was no question of her being able to work for at least a couple of months. He had instructed her that her job now was to recover. Holly said that she was going to get well, she was going to sort out the details of her private life, reorganize her house. Above all, she was going to make things right with Charlie. ‘And you, of course,’ she said.

  That made me laugh. ‘You don’t need to make anything right with me,’ I said.

  ‘I do. You know that note I wrote to you? As far as I can remember in my delirium and with my electrically frazzled brain, it was you I felt I needed to explain things to. Maybe I still do. I’m never going to be completely sensible, you know.’

  ‘We can’t go back to that,’ I said. ‘You can’t live again like you did the last few months. You won’t survive it. We won’t. I won’t.’

  ‘We’ll see,’ she said. ‘My main task is to get well. No, that’s not right. My main task is to get Charlie’s mother out of the house. Getting well can wait.’

  I laughed.

  ‘Is she that bad?’

  ‘Don’t you hate the smell of mentholated cigarettes?’ she said. ‘It’s putting things together that shouldn’t be put together. It’s as if somebody has put out a bonfire by pouring peppermint tea on it.’

  ‘But seriously,’ I said, ‘I think you mustn’t return to work until…’

  ‘Let’s share some fruit cake.’

  ‘She wasn’t what I expected at all. I can see now why you love her,’ said Todd.

  ‘I knew you’d like her once you’d met her properly.’

  ‘She’s very appealing somehow.’

  ‘Yes, I know. Everyone thinks so. She makes people feel special.’

  There was a short silence, then Todd came over to me and put his arms round me. ‘What’s wrong?’

  ‘Nothing.’

  ‘There is. I can tell.’

  ‘It’s nothing, really.’ But I couldn’t let it go. ‘So do you think she’s very beautiful?’

  ‘I don’t know about beautiful. Lovely, certainly.’

  ‘Most people think she’s beautiful.’

  ‘Meg.’

  ‘What?’

  ‘You don’t need to worry, you know.’

  ‘I’m not worrying. I don’t know what you’re talking about.’

  ‘It’s you I’m in love with, you’re the one I find beautiful.’

  ‘I’m not beautiful.’

  ‘You are to me.’

  ‘“To me”. That sounds like pity.’

  ‘More like lust.’

  ‘Really?’

  ‘The real thing. What was it Holly called you? True.’

  We put our arms round each other and I pressed my forehead to his. There was a new kind of solemnity to our relationship now, as if both of us knew we were entering something big and grand; that there was no quick turning back any more. After a while, I said, ‘Charlie’s having an affair.’

  ‘Charlie? Who with?’

  ‘Naomi.’

  ‘How do you know?’

  ‘I just know. They looked at each other.’

  ‘He’s had a rough time, you know,’ said Todd, after a pause. ‘It’ll probably fizzle out.’

  ‘Yes. I hope so. So you don’t think I should do anything about it?’

  ‘What could you do? Tell her? God, no. Just hope she never finds out.’

  34

  I didn’t see Holly again until the second of January, though I spoke to her on the phone. I was too busy being happy, and although I didn’t quite forget about her, I pushed her to the back of my mind. Falling in love makes you selfish and blind.

  Todd and I spent two nights over New Year in a remote cottage in Dorset. When we got back, I called on Holly. Charlie was away for the day. Holly had said on the phone that she was trying to sort out all the chaos that had built up over the past few months. It was the least she could do and she wanted to have a sense of purpose over the weeks of convalescence.

  ‘I want to show you something,’ she said, as soon as she opened the door.

  She was wearing purple tracksuit trousers and a sweatshirt many sizes too large for her with the sleeves rolled up above her elbow. I followed her into the living room. There were packing cases scattered on the floor, half filled with folders, old newspapers and exercise books.

  ‘Are you moving?’

  ‘Just clearing up,’ she said, looking around her. ‘These are just old things from years ago. There are old essays and projects, which I’ve kept because they took so long to do but now I think I’ll make a celebration bonfire of them. And then there are the books I read as a girl and maybe I’ll keep them for, you know, just in case…’

  ‘That sounds good,’ I said. ‘Very good. What is it you wanted me to see?’

  ‘I found these. I don’t want to be disloyal and God knows what Charlie’s had to put up with, but I had to tell someone.’

  She led me to Charlie’s work room and gestured to a pile of letters on the desk. ‘I found them in the bottom drawer,’ she said. ‘Don’t tell me I shouldn’t have been poking around in Charlie’s stuff. I know I shouldn’t. But I needed to get all the phone bills together so I could do the accounts. I might as well make myself useful in some way. And they were scattered everywhere. Anyway, read them.’

  I looked at them one by one, feeling slightly shabby as I did so. All the letters were about work not delivered on time, or not delivered at all.

  ‘He’s just stopped,’ said Holly. ‘I don’t think he’s produced a single piece of work in months and months. Yet he comes down here and says he’s working. He sits at his desk for hours.’

  ‘Poor Charlie,’ I said hopelessly.

  ‘Exactly. But why does he pretend to me that he’s working? Why doesn’t he just talk to me about it? I’ll tell you what, Meg, we’re up to our necks in financial shit. I’ve got an overdraft of seven thousand pounds and my bank won’t let me withdraw any more cash. I sold my grandmother’s pearl necklace. Not that I ever wore it anyway. Fuck knows what’s going on with Charlie’s bank. He won’t talk about it. He says it’s his problem, not mine.’

  ‘He doesn’t want to worry you.’

  ‘What does he think’s going to happen? Some kind of miracle?’

  ‘It’s been a difficult time, for him as well as you. He just wants you to get better.’ My voice sounded fraudulent, and I could feel a flush creeping up my neck.

  ‘You’re probably right,’ said Holly. She rubbed her face. ‘It’s such hard work sorting everything out. It’s all takes so much time and slog. I wish I had a magic pill.’ She gave a nervous giggle. ‘Well, of course, I do have some of those, don’t I?’

  ‘You’re taking them regularly?’

  ‘Regularly. Religiously. Don’t worry. Even those mornings when every atom in me is telling me not to put them into my body I take them. I don’t give myself a choice.’

  She pushed the letters back into the drawer, then picked up a phone bill from the floor and winced. ‘Christ, do we sp
end that much time on the phone? Look at how many times I phoned you last quarter.’

  I glanced at the bill carelessly, seeing my number spreading down the page. Then my eyes were caught by a date. I took the paper from her hand and looked closer. At 15:07 on the day Holly had tried to kill herself there had been a brief call from Holly’s number. ‘I thought that was when you were, you know, unconscious,’ I said, pointing to the digits.

  Holly squinted at it and asked for my mobile phone. I handed it across and she dialled the number into it. ‘Hello?’ she said. ‘Sorry, who’s that? Oh, God, I’m sorry, I meant to ring, erm… you know, Charlie. Sorry. See you soon. ’Bye.’ She handed the phone back to me with a puzzled expression. ‘Naomi. I must have tried to call her for help as well, mustn’t I? I can’t remember doing that. But, then, my memories of that are a bit addled.’

  I couldn’t help myself. I felt a jab of disappointment. Holly had told me that she’d tried to call me; that it had been me she was thinking of as she lay dying. But she’d thought of Naomi as well. She’d actually called her. The evidence was in front of me, and my number wasn’t there at all. Maybe she was even making it all up about trying to phone me. Her way of making me feel loved.

  ‘I thought you said the phone was dead,’ I said, more sharply than I intended.

  ‘I thought it was. I’m sure it was. But I wasn’t in a fit state, Meg. Who knows what numbers I pushed?’

  ‘It was working at 15:07, anyway.’

  ‘Apparently.’

  ‘But then it suddenly wasn’t working.’

  ‘Meg, I was dying. Who knows? I may have pressed redial. I don’t know.’

  ‘You must feel very close to her.’ In my peevishness, I could almost have blurted out the truth.

  ‘Well, I am close to her. She’s my next-door neighbour. To be honest, I’m not sure if I even like her – she’s so… so… What’s the word? Perky. You know, always cheerful and helpful. It drives me a bit mad. But maybe that’s it. Maybe I thought she could rescue me because she was so close.’

  ‘You know her number by heart?’

  ‘No, of course not.’

  ‘So you went and looked it up while you were falling into a coma?’

  ‘Meg,’ Holly said, a bit sharply, ‘I’m not going to discuss the technicalities of a phone bill. We shouldn’t even be looking at it. I just want to put it away and forget about it.’

  ‘You’re right. I’ll tell you what,’ I said, changing the subject with a clumsiness that made her grin, ‘you were going to give me the number for that travel company you told me about. The one that does holidays in remote places.’

  ‘I’d give you the brochure to take with you, except Charlie wants us to go away together somewhere soon. We need to start repairing our marriage, properly talking about everything that’s happened. We’re just going through the days, one by one, being careful and kind with each other. When I’m not rummaging through his study with a friend, that is.’

  Again, it was as if a cloud had passed over her, and she looked tired and low. With a visible effort, she fetched the brochure from the pile of magazines and catalogues stacked up against the wall and tossed it across to me.

  ‘It does look lovely,’ I said, flicking through the pages.

  I picked up a scrap of paper lying under Charlie’s desk, jotted down the phone number and email address, then put it into my wallet.

  ‘When will you go?’ I asked.

  ‘Soon, I guess. God knows how we can afford it. But I guess we can’t afford not to either. That’s what Charlie says.’

  I put my hands on her shoulders. ‘Everything’s going to be fine,’ I said, too brightly.

  We had been going to sort out bills and gather up receipts to set against tax, but we ended up sifting through Holly’s wardrobe. She said she wanted to throw out all the clothes she wasn’t going to wear again.

  ‘Like this,’ she said regretfully, holding up a small black dress, with the emphasis on ‘small’.

  ‘That’s what you wore to that party in the Royal Festival Hall! You looked…’ I hesitated. ‘Well, extraordinary.’

  ‘Preposterous, you mean. I know I behaved preposterously. I can hardly bear to think about it. Those days are over. It was fun, though, wasn’t it? Maybe I’ll keep it to remind me. What about this shirt?’

  ‘It’s very dramatic.’

  ‘Bin it or keep it?’

  ‘You decide.’

  ‘If I don’t know I’d better keep it. Just in case.’

  She ended up by throwing away one skirt with a broken zip and several pairs of laddered tights. That was all. Everything else – all the bright and outlandish garments that were supposed to be tossed out in a gesture of new moderation – were put back into her cupboards. I was oddly relieved.

  She wanted me to stay longer, but after a couple of hours I said I had to get back. There were things I had to do.

  Holly saw me out, we hugged each other, and she shut the door. I waited for a few moments, then walked the few yards along the road to the neighbouring house, where Naomi had the top floor. She had told me about her living arrangements: a small bedroom, a toilet and a leaking shower, a tiny kitchen, a sitting room that doubled as her study, her own phone line.

  I rang the bell and waited, then rang again. At last I heard footsteps and the door opened. An elderly man in a baggy cardigan and slippers peered at me.

  ‘Is Naomi in?’ I asked.

  ‘No,’ he said. ‘They left.’

  ‘Oh,’ I said. Something occurred to me. ‘Her boyfriend collected her?’

  ‘No, no, nothing like that. She doesn’t have a boyfriend.’

  I made myself give a relaxed laugh. ‘You keep a close eye on her, do you?’

  ‘She makes biscuits for me,’ he said. ‘Sometimes we watch TV together in the evening. My wife died two years ago, you see. Shall I give her a message?’

  ‘Who did she go off with?’

  ‘Curious, aren’t you?’ He chuckled.

  ‘I just wanted–’

  ‘It was only a neighbour.’

  ‘Charlie?’

  ‘That’s right. So there’s nothing funny going on.’

  He invited me in for tea. I think he was lonely, poor man, but my head was buzzing so I could hardly think. I left him as soon as I could.

  ‘It’s not very pretty, Meg, but it’s what people do,’ said Todd. ‘The important thing is that Holly’s recovery doesn’t get knocked off course.’

  I frowned. ‘You’re not getting it,’ I said. ‘It’s not the affair, though God knows I wish that wasn’t going on. She tried to phone me that day and couldn’t get through. The phone was working for a call she couldn’t remember making, then not working for a call she does remember making.’

  ‘Why on earth are you so bothered about something trivial like that when–’

  ‘I’ve got this terrible idea, Todd. I mean, really, really terrible.’

  ‘Tell me.’

  I opened my mouth, then found I couldn’t say the words. They were wild, ludicrous, something Holly in her manic state might have dreamed up. ‘Never mind, I’m just being paranoid,’ I said.

  However much he tried to persuade me to talk, I wouldn’t. I was embarrassed by my own thoughts.

  But I couldn’t get it out of my head and I lay awake that night, Todd peaceful beside me, trying to work out what I should do. I kept thinking of Holly’s pale, trusting face. Was this it? Was this what I had missed?

  35

  ‘I’m at the bar down the road.’

  ‘Down the road from where?’

  ‘From the office, stupid, what do you think? Can you meet me there?’

  ‘I’m on my way now – nothing’s wrong, is it?’

  ‘Are you going to spend the rest of your life thinking that whenever I want to see you, something’s wrong?’

  ‘No, I just–’

  ‘Nothing’s wrong. I just need to see you. There’s something I’ve got for you. Shall I orde
r you a spicy tomato juice?’

  ‘Lots of celery salt and Worcester sauce–’

  ‘– and black pepper and a slice of lemon. Come on, then.’

  Whatever Holly had said on the phone, I still thought something was wrong so I dashed out of the office, struggling into my thick coat as I went and shouting apologies to Trish, saying I’d be back as soon as I could and would finish going through the accounts then.

  She was sitting in the corner, at our old table, still in her jacket with a scarf wrapped round her neck, idly swilling her water round in its glass. Her face looked drawn and thoughtful, but brightened as I approached.

  ‘There,’ she said. ‘Tomato juice. And…’ with a flourish she produced an envelope from her bag‘… there.’

  ‘What’s this?’

  ‘It’s for you.’

  I took a sip of tomato juice, then opened it. There was a cheque inside, written out to me. Sixteen thousand pounds.

  ‘Holly! No!’

  ‘You didn’t think I wouldn’t pay you back, did you?’

  ‘I didn’t want you to pay me back. It was a gift. Anyway, how on earth did you manage?’

  ‘It was a simple matter – well, a fairly simple matter – of adding it to the mortgage. In all fairness, though, I should warn you that you shouldn’t try to pay in that cheque until next week.’

  ‘I don’t want this. It’s not the right time. It’s completely the wrong time. I know what straits you’re in and I’d feel awful if I took this.’

  ‘Meg, listen. I don’t want to argue about this. It’s your money. I’d hate myself if I took it. I know you gave it freely, and I bless you for it and I’ll never, ever forget what you did for me. Never.’ Tears welled in her eyes and she blinked them away impatiently. ‘This is part of my recovery. This is the new me. I’m taking responsibility for what I’ve done. I need to do this, Meg. I have to. Put it into your bag. Otherwise, who knows what I may do?’

  I did as she said, then put my hand over hers and we sat for a moment in silence. A thought struck me. ‘So Charlie knows?’

  ‘Oh, yes,’ she said grimly. ‘He most certainly does.’