Hawk and Dove (Rock Star Romance Novel)

by Amanada Lawless

  I hold my breath, preparing myself for him, as a low, rattling groan rips from my throat as I feel the bulging tip of Trent against me. We lock eyes as he lowers himself to me once more and finally, finally, sinks deep inside of me.

  Our sharp breaths sound out as one as Trent plunges into my body, parting me as he goes. I pull him in as deeply as I can, marveling at how he fills me so much more than I've ever felt before. We lean into each other with every thrust, transporting each other beyond the tiny room, beyond the festival, to a place that no one can ever travel but the two us of. I buck my hips against his hard, pounding member, barely able to take the length of him, my mouth falling open as I careen toward ecstasy.

  “Trent,” I breathe, “I’m...I’m gonna...”

  His lips part in a wordless howl as we meet each other and crash as one into a state of all-encompassing bliss. Even through the condom, I can feel him emptying himself into me, as waves of dizzying sensation crash over me...leaving me speechless.

  We hold each other as the shockwaves of pleasure rush through us, overcoming every other thought. Our limbs entangled, we collapse into each other, curled up on top of the sheets.

  Sleep rushes in as soon as the tide of bliss subsides, and we sink into sweet slumber in each other’s arms.

  Chapter Nine

  The sky is still a flinty gray when my eyes crack open.

  For half a second, I can’t figure out for the life of me where I am. But when I feel Ellie’s warm, smooth skin pressed against me, the night comes rushing back into my mind, blowing me away all over again.

  In the lightening little cabin, I take in the sight of the beautiful woman resting in the crook of my arm. She’s sleeping soundly, her hair splayed out across the white sheets like a halo. I pull her closer against me, relishing in this time that’s ours alone.

  I gave it my best shot, resisting her. But after that scorching kiss backstage, that intense connection on the dance floor, and a little alcohol inhibition...I didn’t stand a chance. Hell, I was a goner from the first time we said three words to each other.

  It’s hard to believe that only a few days ago, this amazing person was missing from my life. How did I get on, before Ellie wandered into my world? Not very well, all things considered. Not very well at all.

  The way she took charge of things last night—that’s what had sent me over the edge. She told me exactly what she wanted, in no uncertain terms. There aren’t any games with Ellie, no playing hard-to-get, no coyness. She’s genuine, and unpretentious, and so utterly real.

  I’ve never been with anyone like this before. And if I didn’t know just by being in her company that this was something big, last night certainly proved it. I don’t even know how many women I’ve slept with in my years of being a rock star, but I know that I’ve never felt before what I did last night.

  With the rest of the women I’ve slept with, sex has always felt like a transaction. Each party gets what they came for and calls it a day. There’s never been a connection, or any sense of caring, to any of it.

  Not until Ellie, that is. She didn’t come to me looking for a good story to tell her friends or bragging rights in the mosh pit. She didn’t come to me asking for anything but for me to be there with her, present to what was happening between us.

  I feel like a goddamned virgin again with this girl.

  Though I have no way of knowing what sex is usually like for her, I’d have a hard time believing that she’s been around as much as I have, that’s for sure. I just hope that she doesn’t wake up kicking herself for diving into bed with me. That would absolutely kill me. But for a few more minutes, or maybe even an hour, I get to hold her like this—with nothing at all between us. I get to hold her here in this little, wonderful world of our own creation.

  Just as the room starts to grow bright, almost imperceptibly, Ellie stretches out against me and lets her eyes flutter open. I watch her take in the unfamiliar room, confused for a moment about where she’s ended up. But I tighten my arms around her, letting her know I’m here.

  Her gaze swings my way, and she almost looks surprised to see me. But her awe soon gives way to contentment, and she snuggles in closer to me. Her simple, spontaneous act of intimacy is more meaningful than it has any right to be.

  “Good morning,” she murmurs. Her voice is thick with sleep and impossibly sexy.

  “Morning, you,” I whisper, my lips hovering just beside her ear. “You really don’t sleep past five in the morning, do you?”

  “And I guess you really don’t sleep at all,” she laughs softly, turning to face me.

  We’re lying together on top of the covers, totally bare. I let my eyes travel down the curvy landscape of her body, dipping and bobbing all along the way. Her eyes crinkle with pleasure as she watches me become transfixed by the very sight of her. I can’t help it—she’s impossible to look away from.

  “How do you feel?” she asks, reaching out to lay a hand on my chest.

  “Fucking unbelievable,” I answer honestly.

  She smiles, rolling her eyes. “I was kind of talking about the copious amount of substances we ingested last night. Are you hung over or anything?”

  “I don’t really get hung over,” I tell her, “What about you?”

  “I think I’m still all kinds of drunk,” she laughs, “I’m a bit of a lightweight myself.”

  “You could have fooled me,” I tease, “It seemed like you were keeping up just fine last night.”

  “I didn’t...I wasn’t making an ass of myself, was I?” she asks.

  My smile drops a hair. “You...You do remember last night, don’t you?”

  “What do you mean?” she asks.

  “I mean...Everything between us...”

  “No...” she says, sounding almost upset, "What happened between us?” She arches her eyebrows and looks genuinely afraid of my answer.

  “Oh,” I say averting my gaze. Fuck I knew this would happen.

  "I'm just kidding you loser!" She says with a hearty laugh. “I’m not the sort of girl who doesn’t remember sleeping with someone the next day,” she says, “Especially when the evidence is as clear as all this...”

  She motions to her naked body, smiling at me with those beautiful lips.

  Thank God what a relief.

  “I didn’t mean to imply—”

  “I know,” she says quickly, “I just don’t want you to think that what happened was an accident. Or a whim. I didn’t just decide in the spur of the moment that I wanted to sleep with you, Trent. I made up my mind about that pretty early on.”

  “How early on, would you say?” I ask mischievously.

  “Since you tried to steal our campsite, I would say,” she shoots back, “You dick.”

  “Guilty as charged,” I grin, “And for what it’s worth...the feeling is mutual.”

  “So I gathered,” she says, rolling onto her back. I lean toward her, resting my hand on her soft stomach. She arches her back just a little, stretching in a markedly feline sort of way.

  I love watching the little movements of her body, the little features that make her unique. I’d never say it out loud for fear of sounding like an asshole, but Ellie is not the sort of woman I’m used to sleeping with. My general type is tall, thin, surgically enhanced, and all but silent. Ellie, on the other hand, is untampered with, soft, and very much the type to speak her mind. I never thought it would be so thrilling to stray away from the mold, but then again I don’t think I could ever have imagined someone quite like her.

  As if reading my mind, she turns to me and asks, “So, how do these things usually go with you?”

  “These things?” I parrot.

  “Your conquests,” she says, pulling herself up onto an elbow, “I imagine that the rest of the bus is filled with your band mates and whatever young ladies they’ve carted home themselves. What happens in the morning? Does everyone come together for a pancake breakfast?”

  “I hope you don’t think this is just a conque
st,” I say, bristling.

  “I just don’t want you to feel pressured,” she tells me, “I’m not completely naive when it comes to this kind of thing.”

  “Is that what this feels like to you?” I ask, “Just another ‘thing’? Or are you just playing tough for me right now?”

  “I don’t play,” Ellie says, sitting up in bed, “And no, honestly, this doesn’t feel like anything that’s ever happened to me before.”

  “Me either,” I say.

  “It’s a little...scary,” she says hesitantly.

  “Are you kidding me?” I say, “It’s fucking terrifying.”

  She stifles a relieved laugh with the palm of her hand. “Well, I’m glad that’s out in the open,” she says.

  “If you think I’m used to actually caring about the people I sleep with, you’re sorely mistaken,” I say honestly.

  “Is that supposed to make me feel better?” she asks.

  “I don’t know,” I say, “Does it?”

  “Actually...It does, a little,” she admits, “As long as you promise you’re not just spinning this shit so that I’ll agree to sleep with you again.”

  “Ellie,” I say, taking her hand in mine, “I dare you to look me in the eye and tell me that you didn’t feel something...amazing between us. Unlike anything else in the world.”

  She keeps her eyes averted, which is all the answer I need.

  “I’m a pretty good actor," I admit, "But even I couldn’t fake what was there last night.”

  “I know,” she says, “I hope you know I didn’t either.”

  “So...does that make it any less scary?” I ask.

  “Honestly, not really,” she laughs, “I don’t know if anything could. I just...I don’t have any idea what comes next. Usually, it’s a goodbye kiss and onto the rest of my life, but...I don’t want that with you.”

  We sit together in silence. I know she’s waiting for me to say the same, to assure her that I know how we’re supposed to proceed. But I have no idea what comes next, here.

  She’s a baby, as far as the music scene goes. A college student. With a whole, normal life to lead back home. What am I supposed to do, interrupt all that? Drag her into my crazy, chaotic life? That may be what we both want right now, but what if she eventually grows to resent me for it?

  I wouldn’t be able to blame her if she did. I wouldn’t wish the bullshit of this business on anybody, especially not her.

  “Trent?” she says softly, “Tell me what you’re thinking.”

  “I think...we should probably get dressed,” I say, “These things are best talked about with clothes on, don’t you think?”

  A brief, pained expression crosses her face. She thinks I’m going to try and brush off figuring out what’s going on between us. And the crappiest part is, she’s partially right. The last thing I want to do is decide what happens next. I have absolutely zero experience with relationships that last longer than a week. The fact that I’m even thinking the word relationship is freaking me the hell out.

  She unfolds her long legs and hunts down her clothes where they’ve been scattered about the room. We dress in silence, stealing glances at each other’s bodies.

  In a moment, it seems like the air has grown thick with unsaid words. Ellie’s smile is just a little too tight, a little too forced. What is the matter with me that I can’t just speak what’s on my mind? I suppose that’s a muscle I’ve never been called to exercise before. I hope she’ll understand that I might need to work up to the whole “emotional creature” thing.

  Fully dressed, we face off across the tiny room. The mussed up bed sheets attest to the amazing night we shared together. But now, the sky is growing brighter. Through the tiny window, I can see streaks of yellow and pink soaring through the morning as sunrise approaches.

  I wish that I could dig my heels into the ground and stop the world from spinning for a while. I don’t want this night to be over. I don’t want to face the day, deal with the ridiculous politics and pressures of fame. I just want to stay here with Ellie, forever.

  But that’s not the way it works, is it?

  “I guess I should go?” Ellie says quietly, “Before everyone wakes up, you know.”

  “I guess that would be a good idea,” I say, “I don’t want you to have to deal with the guys’ nonsense in the morning.”

  “Me either,” she smiles, “How are we going to get through the bus?”

  “There’s a back door,” I tell her, taking her hand.

  We’ve only known each other for a little while, but already I’m hooked on the way her fingers feel entwined with mine.

  I lead her back through the bus, ducking through the darkness. We come to the door, and I push it open, letting a remarkably cool breeze waft into the bus. We step out onto the dewy grass together, taking in deep breaths of the morning air.

  Ellie takes a step away from me, spreads her arms wide, and closes her eyes. She’s backlit against the sunrise, her head thrown back. She might be the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen, rumpled by sleep and not giving a damn.

  I want to ask her to run away with me right then and there, leave behind this ridiculous place and go somewhere where no one knows who we are.

  The only problem is, that place doesn’t exist. No matter where we might roam, I’d never be anonymous. I’d never be able to start over with her from scratch. But Ellie...she’s standing on the precipice of fame. If she wants to, she can turn it all down.

  She could drive away from here right now and get to keep the rest of her life to herself. And whatever she ends up choosing in the long run, it has to be her decision, not mine. I’d never force fame on her if she didn’t want it.

  She looks back over her shoulder and sees my troubled expression.

  “Why so serious, dear?” she asks.

  “I was just admiring the view,” I say, looking at her pointedly.

  “Yeah?” she says, doing a little twirl right there on the grass, “You like?”

  Fuck yeah, says a little voice in the back of my mind.

  And then a sudden revelation knocks the wind right out of me. It hadn’t occurred to me, not until this moment, but now that I’ve thought it, I know that it’s the truth. I’m falling, or I've already fallen, for Ellie.

  My jaw hangs open dumbly, and Ellie’s brow furrows.

  “You don’t like the hippie look?” she pouts theatrically.

  “I...Um...Need some coffee,” I say haltingly.

  “Good idea,” she says.

  We set off together across the campsite, toward the smell of brewing coffee. Ellie keeps a healthy three feet of space between us, and I get the feeling that it’s more for my sake than for hers.

  Does she have any idea just how deep my feelings run for her? Can I even be sure of them, or am I just swept up in the novelty of being with someone so different than me?

  But that’s the thing, isn’t it? We’re not so different at all. Maybe we’ve picked different patches of signifiers for ourselves, but there’s something shared between us that’s much more important. There’s a vital understanding, a shared experience, that I’ve never had with anyone before. Not with my family, not with my friends, not with my band mates.

  I’ve only known Ellie for a few short days, but she’s quickly becoming the most important person in my life.

  I shake my head in silent wonder as we collect our coffee. Maybe the world will seem clearer on the other side of a caffeine kick.

  Chapter Ten

  We part ways quietly as the third day of the festival dawns. Off across the open plains, storm clouds are gathering on the horizon. The reds and yellows of the brilliant sunrise start to fade as the rest of the camp rouses itself from sleep.

  It’s not exactly an auspicious sign to start the day, catching sight of looming thunderheads. I’m determined not to read too much into the weather as an omen of my romantic future, but I’ve always been a little superstitious. And I’m more than a little overwhelmed by everythi
ng that happened last night.

  Quick though our courtship of sorts may have been, I have no regrets about sleeping with Trent. My mom used to tell me, when I was a teenager, that there’s nothing wrong with sex outside of a relationship, marriage or otherwise.

  She said that when you run out of words, when the only expression of how you feel about someone is intimate, then sex can be a beautiful thing. She was right, of course, whether or not I always followed her advice. Between Trent and I, going to bed together was inevitable.

  I knew it from the start.

  And god, had it been incredible. I’ve slept with a few men in my life—boys, rather—but I’ve never felt anything like what passed between Trent and I last night.

  I didn’t feel like we were going through the motions, or ticking off items on a sexy to do list. We were just...Collaborating. Just as if we were composing a piece of music together, we were contributing to the whole, not trying to get something out of the experience just for the sake of it. We wrote a beautiful, unexpected love song together. It was the most amazing thing I’ve ever experienced with someone else.

  I watch as Trent disappears back into his tour bus to get ready for the day. I linger beside my sedan, cradling my coffee cup in my hands. If what happened last night was so wonderful—and oh, was it wonderful—why do I feel so shook up about it? I wish I knew what I was supposed to do, now. What was expected, or acceptable.

  With most guys, the playbook is pretty clear. You sleep with the guy, you decide whether or not you liked it, then you either ignore his advances or agree to go along with the whole dating or booty call thing.

  But with Trent, there’s no set of rules to follow, no path that’s already been blazed a thousand times. Whatever is building up between us is bigger than I could have ever comprehended before. And in its hugeness, it’s terrifying. Not to mention, in a few days we'll be parting ways and a million miles away from each other.

  Leaning back against the car, looking out over the stormy, sprawling fields. I dare myself to name the thing that’s got a hold on me. If I’m honest with myself, I know how I’m coming to feel about Trent.