Hawk and Dove (Rock Star Romance Novel)

by Amanada Lawless

  “Right,” I say, sitting down on the soft earth, “I suppose I knew that.”

  “So what you have to ask yourself,” Trent says, sitting before me, “Is whether or not what you have now is worth never knowing what might have been.”

  “How can I possibly know that?” I ask, “How can I predict whether or not this will all be worth it?”

  “You can’t,” he says, taking my hands, “That’s the bitch of it. You just have to think long and hard about whether or not you’ll regret not taking that leap. This is a once in a lifetime moment, Ellie. You don’t get a second shot at your big break. So, if you think you can live without everything that comes along with a life in music...maybe going home is the right call.”

  I look up at him, wishing like hell that he would just tell me to stay. If he said those words right this second, if he told me not to leave because he couldn’t possibly bear the thought of a life without me, I’d make up my mind in a heartbeat.

  I know, now more than ever, that I want to be with Trent. But I also know too well what can happen when you give up the life you’ve always known for a man. My dad proved pretty well that men can’t be counted on to stay. Mom gave up the life she’d built to follow him. If I went along with this famous musician charade, would I be doing the same thing?

  “We couldn’t be together if I turned my back on this, could we?” I ask.

  “No,” he answers simply, a pained expression taking hold of his features, “If we tried to stay together, you’d get sucked in no matter what. There’s nothing I can do about that.”

  “You could walk away too,” I say, “We could both just turn away and never look back. Go find a cabin in the woods somewhere and write music together in peace and quiet.”

  Trent smiles sadly. “That’s a nice daydream,” he says, “But we both know full well that it could never happen. We have to share our music with the world. That’s why we’re here in the first place.”

  “But what if—” I start. There’s no graceful way to say this. “If I throw myself into this crazy world, and you decide later on that you’re not...you don’t...”

  “What?” Trent asks.

  “Want me,” I say.

  He looks at me long and hard, a dozen emotions flitting across his face. There’s anger there, and sadness, and hurt.

  “Let me make this perfectly clear,” he says, “The only thing I want is for you to be happy, Ellie. Do I hope that means being with me? Of course I do. But if you decide that all you really want is a quiet life away from the spotlight, I’ll respect that too. I’ll miss you for the rest of my life, but I’m leaving the decision up to you. You have to want this for more than just being with me in the moment. And, if I can be honest, I think you do. When you’re onstage, I can see it—you’re home. I can see how much you love being up there, bringing people together. I know that you want this, and I know that you’re scared as hell.”

  “Maybe I am,” I say, “Can you blame me?”

  “Not at all,” he says, “You’d be crazy if you weren’t. But don’t let that fear control you, Ellie. What’s the point of going after your dreams if you’re just going to politely pass on seizing them? I know it’s terrifying, but I know that, for me at least, it’s been worth it every step of the way. Especially now...” His strong hand runs up my arm. “I think about what it would be like to share all of this with you...This life is amazing, you know. It’s insane, and scary, and infuriating, and strange, but it’s absolutely incredible. And to watch you discover all of that, to be there with you through it, would be an honor. Truly.”

  “You make it sound so easy,” I whisper, my body responding to his gentlest touch, “Making that leap, I mean. Jumping without knowing where you’re going to land.”

  “It’s not easy,” he says, his voice husky, “But eventually you just realize there was never a question. You know what you need, and you just go for it. You take what you want.”

  I rest my hands on the hard panes of his chest, leaning into him. Warmth spreads through me as he slides his hands around my waist, pulling me closer.

  We’re kneeling together in his little tent, like two kids off at sleep away camp who don’t want to go back their real lives at home.

  Suddenly, I don’t want or need to worry about what’s going to happen tomorrow. What’s important is being here with him right now, on this amazing night. All I need is to be right here in the moment with him, soaking up every single breath before the night is through.

  I press my body against his, bringing my hands to the small of his back. He brings his lips to my neck, kissing me hungrily, firmly. I let my head roll back, accepting his every fervent kiss. My hands bury themselves in his back pockets, memorizing the feel of his firm ass.

  His arms close around my waist, and the nearness of him is making me wetter by the second. I rub against him, thrilling at the feel of his hard, bulging member swelling against my body. We hold each other as tight as we can, our bodies knowing exactly what they need.

  His lips brush against the tender skin of my throat as they find their way back up to my own. Our mouths meet, closing the space between us. His stubble has grown in even thicker—I can feel it against my palms as I rest my hands on his sharp jaw. Trent’s mouth forces mine open, his tongue gliding against my own, filling me with the taste of him. I can feel him against me, growing stiffer with each moment that passes.

  We kiss as if it’s the last time we’ll ever get the chance.

  Trent’s hands glide down over my shoulders, skirt down my stomach, and seize the hem of my shirt. He rips the garment up over my head and lowers his lips to the tops of my breasts.

  I offer myself up to him, closing my eyes with joy as he deftly unclasps my bra, letting it fall away from my body. I hold onto his shoulders as he takes my hard nipple into his mouth. A gasp escapes my throat as he sucks just hard enough for a little ripple of pain to be sent dancing through me.

  I feel the ground fall away as he lifts me up and sprawls me out across the mattress. Rolling onto my back, I let my knees fall open, beckoning him to me.

  His eyes shining, he lowers himself back onto me, the hard length of him pressed up against the wetness blooming between my legs. I reach down and yank the tee shirt off his body. His fine, muscled torso is almost too perfect, too defined and unbelievable to look at as he lays on top of me.

  The feeling of our hot, bare skin pressed against one another will never, ever leave me.

  Trent's lips stray down my neck once more, glancing over my collarbones and down my ribs. In a heartbeat, he’s popped open the button of my shorts. He slides the denim down my thighs, tossing the garment over his shoulder. He kisses my belly, the little peaks of my hip bones.

  Then his fingers grasp onto my panties, and I understand. I look down at him, slowly rolling the thin cotton bottoms off my body. My heart begins to hammer against my chest, and a sudden wave of shyness hits me.

  “What are you...” I breathe, as he pulls my panties down off my feet.

  “I just want to make you feel good,” he tells me.

  I’m utterly naked before him, sitting up on my elbows and my chest heaves with excitement. I’ve slept with men before, but no one has ever done anything like this to me.

  Trent can see that we’ve reached the edge of my experience, and I don’t know whether to be embarrassed or relieved. A look of pure reverence is glowing in his eyes as they wander down the full length of my body. I can’t help but let my legs part just a little more. I open myself to him, spreading myself wide. He groans at the sight of me, surrendering to whatever he has in mind.

  Trent brings his hands to my tender inner thighs, and I lay back on the mattress with a low moan of anticipation.

  I feel his lips brush against my stomach, lingering there as his hands work further and further up my legs. I dig my fingers into my hair, bracing myself. Trent pushes my legs apart, opening me up completely.

  Holding me there, he moves down along my body, positi
oning himself between my legs.

  He kisses the little indent between my hip and my thigh, dwelling there, his warm breath against my skin causes me to writhe in anticipation.

  I can feel myself growing even wetter for him as he lays kiss after sweet kiss against these most private inches of my body. Closer and closer his lips travel, his hands firm against my skin. I can feel his tongue tracing a long, slow line just beyond where I want to feel him most.

  But then, he’s there. I breathe in sharply as he licks along the full, wet length of my slit. The feel of his tongue against me there is pure bliss, unlike anything I could have ever imagined. It feels so illicit, and so undeniably right at the same time.

  Trent’s tongue roves everywhere, exploring my every dip and fold. With each pass, I can feel him a little deeper, a little firmer. I cry out as the tip of his tongue brushes against that throbbing nub.

  He closes his lips around it, rolling it with his firm, dexterous tongue. I dig my fingers into his curls as he flicks and kneads me relentlessly. I try to speak, to tell him how wonderful it feels, but words fail me. I’m beyond language and beyond thought.

  I can feel that hot pressure growing up inside of me, begging to be let loose. Trent can feel it in me, too. As he traces little circles around my swollen flesh, I feel two strong fingers slip up into my body. All at once, he’s everywhere.

  As he strokes the silky flesh within me, running his strong tongue against me, I know that I’m done for. My legs begin to tremble, my fingers tighten in his hair, and my mouth falls open in a wordless, blissful cry.

  I come for him, my body quivering with the rush of sensation. For that moment, the only thing in the world is Trent’s beautiful body, his insatiable mouth. It’s just the two of us alone in the universe—and what a universe we make.

  I don’t want this feeling to end. I want to stay here with him for as long as I can. Blinded by the intensity of my own pleasure, I fumble for Trent, grabbing at the waist of his jeans.

  Drawing himself up towards me, he tears free of his clothing at last. I press myself against him, feel the hardness of him pulsating against my thigh. He brings his lips to mine, and I shiver with delight as I taste myself on him. I’ve never experienced anything so intimate, so boundlessly sexy.

  There’s nothing in the world that I don’t want to experience with him—and I want him to know it. Breaking away from his kiss, I roll onto my stomach, planting my knees firmly into the mattress. His eyes widen as they meet mine and he catches my meaning.

  Slowly, reverently, he swings himself around and comes to rest behind me. His hands fall on my hips as I push myself up onto my hands and knees. Looking back over my shoulder, I grin at Trent in the darkness of our little tent. He smiles back, a look of blissful wonder spreading across his face.

  He grabs a Trojan out of his pants and expertly applies the condom over his throbbing member.

  I feel the bulging tip of him against my slit. With a deep breath, I lean into him as he glides inside of me. A low, raspy moan flies from my mouth as he opens me up, deeper than he ever has before.

  I fall down onto my forearms as he draws back and thrusts again. The little space seems to spin around us as we buck against each other, working ourselves into a shared frenzy. I can already feel myself once again teetering on the edge of bliss as he comes barreling to meet me.

  With each stroke, I can feel him getting bigger, harder, until finally he reaches his peak. His fingers dig into my hips as he pulses and comes inside of me, sending a deep shudder of sensation racing through me.

  Spent, we topple forward together, collapsing into a heaving, tangled pile of limbs.

  I stare up into the canopy of the tent, burrowing into his strong arms. We lay in perfect silence, the quiet interrupted only by our slowing breath. I listen as his breathing becomes slower and slower, dropping off finally into sleep. I’m almost sad to feel him slumbering against me—the last thing I want is for this night to end. But morning will come, as it always does, and we’ll face it then.

  I close my eyes, resting my head against Trent’s chest. On his heels, I drop off into a deep, well-earned sleep. My dreams that night are full of him, and the amazing life we can have together if I prove brave enough to risk it all.

  Chapter Twenty Two

  The hard, baking sun turns our tent into an oven by daybreak. I can feel the heat descending on Ellie and I, driving us out of our deep, spent slumber.

  Today’s the final day of the festival, the last day of this crazy, improbable fairy tale that Ellie and I have fallen into. The likelihood of us finding each other like this was as slim as a whisper—nothing short of a miracle. But now, the wild, unlikely dream that has encompassed the last week is drawing to a close. It’s time to rub the sand out of our eyes and see what reality has in store for us.

  I can feel Ellie begin to stir against me, and I know that waking can’t be put off any longer. What I wouldn’t give to stretch this moment into an eternity in and of itself. Right now, it feels like we’re standing right at the edge of a cliff, with our entire lives leading up to the next move. Will we jump together, or lose our nerve? Will we be able to throw caution to the wind and be together, or is that just the stuff of dreams?

  It’s time to find out.

  “Trent?” Ellie mumbles sleepily, rolling over.

  “Good morning, sunshine,” I say, smiling sadly.

  She curls her body tightly against mine, as if trying to hide from the impending day. I tug her tightly against me, despite the rising heat of the tent. We wrap our arms around each other, collecting every last touch and sensation to sustain us. I wish I could come right out and ask Ellie what’s on her mind, but I refuse to pressure her like that. Whatever she chooses to do next has to be on her own terms. That’s the only way.

  “It’s a freakin’ sauna in here,” she says finally.

  “It is,” I agree, “Should we...?”

  “Yeah,” she says, pulling away from me.

  Feeling her move away twists my heart like a wrung towel. I don’t know what the hell I’m going to do if she decides to end it today. I’ll force myself to respect her decision if she wants to steer clear of all this rock star business, but I’ll feel in my heart that she’s made a mistake.

  There’s a lot to lose, being a musician; but nothing ventured, nothing gained. And the gains always outweigh the losses, in the end.

  Ellie straightens up, not a stitch of clothing on her body. I stare up at her, memorizing every inch. I want to remember the way her hips sway as she walks, the round, full swells of her ass and breasts, her soft and womanly belly. I want to learn every single thing about her by heart—the way she tucks her short blonde hair behind her ears again and again whenever she’s anxious, the way she wrinkles her nose when she’s concentrating. I want all the time in the world to know these little things, but time is something we no longer have much of.

  I follow her lead, poking around the tent for my jeans and tee shirt. We dress ourselves in silence, though I can feel her eyes lingering heavily on my body, too. There are so many unspoken words hanging in the air between us, it’s a miracle we don’t choke on them. I buckle my belt and turn to face her, offering up my best attempt at a smile. Ellie mirrors my half-assed cheer and slowly unzips the tent flap. Hand in hand, we step out into the brightening day.

  All around us, the festival is collapsing in on itself. Down the hill, tents large and small are being stripped and taken down, stalls and booths are torn down and hauled away. People are trekking away from the center of the festivities in droves—the entire population of the weeklong community is evacuating. Even up in the talent campsite, tour busses are pulling away, fancy amenities are disappearing and the craft service tent is serving up its last batch of rations. We stand still in a world of rapid motion, and I know that there’s only so long we can linger here together.

  “There you are!” says a voice behind us. I turn to see Rodney climbing out of the tour bus. “We’re just abou
t packed up in there. The driver’s all set to go. You just about ready to ship off?”

  “Oh. Yeah,” I say, “I’ve just got to break down the tent first.”

  “You and your freakin’ tent...” Rodney scoffs, crossing his arms. “You guys just didn’t want to have a slumber party with us, huh?”

  “Sorry Rod,” Ellie says, “We just felt like roughing it for the night.”

  “So that's what the kids are calling it these days,” Rodney says, a wicked glint in his eye. I punch him on the shoulder, just a bit harder than may be necessary. I can’t help it—my nerves are coiled up like springs.

  “Just give us a second with this,” I grumble.

  “Whatever, man,” Rodney says, rubbing his arm and retreating to the bus.

  I move past Ellie and start to disassemble our tent. Out of the corner of my eye, I watch her sink down onto the grass, absentmindedly pulling blades up out of the ground. I work as slowly as I can, stretching out these final moments. As I let the air out of the mattress, I hear her speak up.

  “You know, Trent...I’m going to need a ride out of here.”

  My heart thunders in my chest as I turn toward her. “Oh, right...I guess you left your car back in Barton, huh?”

  “That’s right,” she says, “We took your fancy pants jet back here.”

  She doesn’t need to remind me of that. I’ll remember hoisting her up onto the bar in that jet for the rest of my life. I have to fight to keep from getting rock hard at the mere thought of it.

  It’s no easy feat.

  “Well...I could call you a car if you want,” I offer, “We’ve got a freakin’ fleet on call for the band. I’m sure I could get someone here to take you...wherever you want to go.”

  Her features fall, and it’s abundantly clear that I’ve said the wrong thing. I have no idea how to navigate this. How am I supposed to be impartial when what I want is so sharply defined in my mind? I want her to come with me, to stay with me. That’s all I know for sure.

  “I guess that would be OK,” she says softly, her eyes imploring.