All The Little Moments

by G. Benson

  It did sound perfect. A group was casual. Not as much expectation as a one-on-one catch up.

  Also known as a date.

  When Hayley had left her and she’d taken on this role with the kids, the notion had entered Anna’s head that women would be something she wouldn’t think about for a while. But Lane? She just couldn’t not think about her. The last hour had been relaxed, chatty. And even when she tried to say no or tried to rein in the flirting, she couldn’t do it. Lane was so fun. In fact, she was the most simple, enjoyable thing in Anna’s life right then; light-hearted, easy.

  It didn’t have to be anything serious.

  Her phone vibrated in her pocket.

  Lane.

  PS: I’m impressed you picked the perfume.

  Fun texts, fun conversations—nothing serious.

  It’s my favourite…It suits you.

  She would have to tell Lane about the kids, about her brother. But it was so tempting not to. To keep this one uncomplicated, fun thing that she could embrace. But the two kids made not telling Lane the truth impossible. And Ella and Toby, they deserved her full attention. She shouldn’t even be thinking of dating at this point. Everything was still so difficult. And she’d only been single for three weeks, though it felt like that phone call in Indonesia had happened a year ago.

  She sighed and pushed off from the bannister. Time to meet with her boss to go over the schedules. Vibrations in her pocket pulled her attention back to her phone.

  I’ll have to wear it Friday night, then.

  Anna’s smile could be seen from space, she was sure.

  CHAPTER EIGHT

  You know, in all the excitement of the tour, I didn’t ask: how is Ella and her broken arm? Did you know I actually thought she was your daughter? Kym corrected me this afternoon. haha :)

  Anna considered the text message over a glass of wine. Guiltily, she put out her half-smoked cigarette, even though there was no one to see it. So, Lane had thought Ella was her daughter. And now she knew she wasn’t. It almost would have been better for her to keep assuming that. At least then she’d know Anna came with some complications. Lane didn’t even know about the toddler with the charming smile and killer ability to throw a tantrum.

  Her bum had started to go numb on the wooden step after sitting there for two hours flicking her lighter before succumbing to the temptation of a cigarette. Toby and Ella were in bed, Toby still with remnants of “washable” glue in his hair that had not come out. Ella had initially refused to talk, but Anna had coaxed her out of it a bit by asking what colour cast she was going to get. Even then, the responses had been minimal.

  And now, Anna sat with a text that held a perfect lead-in to explain the catch to dating her, and she couldn’t bring herself to do it.

  After a long internal debate, she sent a reply.

  Haha, that’s a mistake often made, more so even with my nephew. Ella is in fine form, just deciding cast colour and rambling on and on about the nurse she’s excited to see Friday. I gloated that I spent this morning with you and made the six year old jealous.

  Anna put her phone down and took a long sip of wine. Yes, she was kind of a coward. But this wasn’t a bombshell she wanted to drop through text—or so she told herself.

  Amazingly, her first day at work had gone well. She’d done a few assessments for surgeries that were scheduled for the next day, met with families to go over consents for said surgeries, and ended up with even more paperwork in the afternoon. She had managed to see Kym for lunch, and had made the mistake of mentioning that there might be drinks on Friday evening. After seeing Kym’s eyes light up, Anna got the feeling that it was going to turn into more than just four or five of them coming. So much for a casual, getting-to-know-people evening. The niggling feeling in the back of her mind told her that she really wanted it to be just her and Lane out for drinks.

  Or, you know, naked and in bed.

  But you couldn’t say no to a grieving widow.

  Anna’s phone buzzed and she looked down.

  Your nephew must be incredibly cute then. You gloated to a six-year-old? Seriously?

  Anna laughed out loud.

  His smile is lethal, it’s true. And yeah, I did. Judging me?

  The reply came quickly.

  To be honest? I just like that I’m something worth being jealous over, even if she’s only six.

  Anna grabbed her cigarettes and wine glass, dropping the latter off in the kitchen and tapping out a reply as she walked up to her room.

  Wait until she hears I’m spending Friday night with you. :)

  As silently as possible, Anna walked through to her room and got her pyjamas, then headed to the shower, on the way pausing outside her brother’s room. She really needed to sort it out. The wood was smooth against her fingers as she rested her palm on the surface of the door. The light feeling from talking with Lane turned heavier as she stood in the silent hallway.

  This room had an ensuite and was adult size. She could sleep in there, clear everything out, box up their things. It made sense to do so; Anna was living there now. Hell, the house was in the process of being put in her name. It was her house, technically.

  But it wasn’t.

  It was her brother’s house, and Sally’s. Ella had almost been born on the stairs. They’d repainted every room—Sally’s taste was splashed everywhere. The living room held a feature wall of an amazing deep blue and the hideously ugly rug in the hallway had been Sally’s great-grandmother’s. Her brother’s Air Force papers were framed and hung on the stairway wall, along with the kids’ baby photos.

  The house was a shrine to the deceased, and Anna didn’t know if that was healthy or not. For now, though, she was happy to keep sleeping in the tiny spare room.

  “Mummy!”

  Anna’s gut clenched at the cry, and her head whipped around, hair flying around her face.

  Ella.

  She walked to her niece’s room and pushed the door open, heart pounding. A whimper came from the bed, and Anna padded forward and squatted next to it, hand hovering over the lump that was Ella. The little girl was curled into a ball, eyes clamped shut. She was still asleep.

  Anna stroked her fingers through the soft strands of Ella’s hair, but something stopped her from waking her niece. Instead she stroked Ella’s head and just watched her, at a complete loss as to what to do. The whimpers slowed, but even after they’d stopped, she sat for a long while, hand stilled on Ella’s shoulder over the blanket. The sound of even, settled breathing filled the air. Ella might not be as young as Toby, but here, lost in sleep, she was tiny.

  After pressing her lips to Ella’s forehead, Anna tiptoed to the door. A glance back assured her Ella really was fast asleep before pulling the door over slightly. Once she checked that Toby was still settled, Anna, throat burning, made her way to the shower.

  The water was scorching hot, and yet, she turned the cold down even more as the water beat at her back. She pressed her palms against the tile, fingers pressing against the cool ceramic. Resolute, she bit back a sob, refusing to give in to the feeling that clawed at her chest.

  Seeing the kids grieve like they were ate at her, and there were times when the sorrow simply washed over her. She would be okay, they would all be okay, and then something as simple, yet really complex, as Ella calling out for her mother while asleep left Anna drowning in a feeling she spent all day holding at bay. The sight of her brother’s door, or his car parked in the garage, or the wine glasses with the blue decoration that she had shared with Sally pulled at threads until she suddenly found herself unravelling.

  Her throat tightened, and she pressed her hand over her eyes, turned to stand directly under the spray of water, and took a long, deep breath. Nights like tonight—when she was about to climb into the bed in her brother’s spare room after checking on his kids, and it was starting to feel normal�
��almost felt worse than when things had constantly been strange and uncomfortable. In spite of herself, Anna was enjoying moments in the car with Toby, the time spent unwinding from her day by chatting with him. And then Ella would be sitting at her parents’ window, hand pressed to the glass, waiting for them, and Anna always warmed at the sight.

  She was constantly exhausted by the competition between normalcy and the silent moments that left her wanting to bolt. Missing her brother, and missing Sally, left Anna beyond fatigued. The swirl of mixed emotions was too much, and she wanted to just stay in the boiling water of the shower forever.

  Fingers shaking slightly, she finally turned off the tap and stepped out, running the towel over her pink skin. As quickly as she could, she pulled on her clothes and turned off the light. One last peek at the kids, and she went to her room and slipped between the cool sheets.

  She needed a diversion, Anna decided, as she picked up her phone from where she’d put it on charge.

  Well, I’d say bring Ella, but I’d much rather have you to myself. Though I think there’s going to be quite a few people there now. Maybe I could take you to dinner next week, if Friday goes well? ;)

  Anna tapped out a quick reply and relaxed into her bed, ignoring the dry feeling in her eyes and the way her stomach churned.

  If all goes well, consider me in.

  Distraction achieved.

  Anna soon discovered that she loved her job at the new hospital—the people she worked with, the patients, the feeling of being busy. When she completed her first surgery, she felt elated. It had felt so good to be in a role that she innately understood. In the operating theatre, monitoring the patient’s airway, intubating and administering drugs, cannulating and murmuring quietly to the anaesthetic nurse—all of this—had come naturally.

  Anna washed her hands and then went to the elevator, delighted to see Lane leaning against the back wall when the doors opened. She looked adorable in her scrub cap, and a grin spread over her face when she saw Anna.

  “You look happy.”

  After hitting the button she needed, Anna leant her shoulder against the back wall, arms crossed. “I just rocked surgery.”

  “I’m sorry I missed it. I was scrub nurse for Patel. I’d love to see you in action.”

  “You will, I’m sure.”

  Lane leant slightly forward, her face inches from Anna’s. “At home or the hospital? Either is fine with me.”

  With a ding, the doors opened. Anna was left with her mouth slightly open, an amused expression on her face but unable to respond as Lane threw her a smug look and walked out. Just as the doors closed, Lane shot one last glance over her shoulder, a delighted laugh escaping her lips at the look on Anna’s face.

  Friday morning came, and Anna walked into work anticipating drinks that evening with a mixture of guilt and excitement. Ella held Anna’s hand and Toby bounced along on her hip. Her mind was half on Lane and half on the need to hurry to get Ella to her casting appointment and then to school. She gave a furtive look around and breathed a sigh of relief when she didn’t see Lane. She had meant to slip the fact that she was her niece and nephew’s guardian into conversations throughout the week, but it just hadn’t happened.

  Or maybe she hadn’t wanted it to happen.

  Ella snapped Anna out of her thoughts. “I think I want an orange cast.”

  Anna gently squeezed her hand. “Orange is cool.”

  “But what if I want purple?”

  Anna led them down the hallway leading to the day care. “What about green?”

  Ella made a face. “Yuck. No. Peas are green.”

  Anna nodded. “That’s a good point.”

  They’d been having this conversation for three days now.

  “Do you think I could get purple and orange?”

  “As awesome as that would be, the type of cast you’re getting won’t let that happen.”

  “A fiverclass one?”

  “Fibreglass. I think orange sounds cool.”

  “You keep saying that.”

  “That’s because that’s what I think.”

  “Ogen! Na, ogen.”

  Anna turned her head and blew a raspberry against Toby’s cheek as they entered the day care. “See, Ella? Even Toby thinks orange.”

  “He’s a baby.”

  As soon as Toby was on the floor he ran to the tub of trains and cars and started pulling them out. One in each hand, he showed them to Ella, pressing them against her stomach to get her to notice. “Twain, El. Twain.”

  “Is that Thomas, Toby?”

  Shaking his head adamantly, Toby dropped the trains he was holding and ran to the bucket to pick up a Thomas one, which he brought over to Ella, holding it up.

  “Cool, Toby! It’s bigger than your one at home.”

  Once Toby was signed in, Anna put his backpack away. Thankfully, he had sat down at one of the train tracks and was pushing Thomas along it. Ella sat next to him, helping. Another little boy sat next to them, whom Toby also showed the train to.

  Discreetly, Anna tapped Ella on the back, and put her finger to her lips.

  Ella stood up and they tried to casually walk away, quickly kissing Toby’s head and saying goodbye. He looked up and his little face dropped.

  This had gotten easier than the first time, but not by much.

  He was clasping two trains in his hands and his face was threatening to crumple completely.

  “Tobes, we’ll see you soon. I’m coming in for lunch with a cupcake today!” She hated the false cheer in her voice.

  He shook his head adamantly. “Na, no.”

  Tanya swept in and scooped Toby up, whispering something in his ear that almost made him giggle before he went back and reached for Anna, who kept smiling and waved “bye”. It was not getting easier for her to turn around and walk away. At least this time he didn’t scream. She did hear his crying pick up in pitch, though.

  Worry gnawed at Anna’s stomach. This was exactly why she was partially dreading drinks that evening, as much as her mother had readily agreed to take the kids. They needed her, and throwing dating into the mix of work, kids and grief seemed impossible.

  Hand in hand, they walked to the orthopaedic clinic, Anna trying not to dwell on the emotions that had stormed through her all week. Spending each evening alone in that house, torn between conflicting urges to protect her brother’s two kids and to flee, was taking its toll on her.

  “Why does Toby get so sad when you leave? You’re not Mum.”

  Anna had to appreciate the fact that when Ella did speak, she got right to the point. Considering her response, Anna finally said, eyes forward, “I think Toby misses your mum and dad and so gets a little worried when the only people he knows leave.”

  “Does he think you won’t come back?”

  Anna swallowed at the nugget of truth. “Maybe.” She glanced down at Ella, but like her aunt, the little girl was staring ahead as they walked.

  In the end, she said, “The last thing Mummy told Toby was she’d see him in the morning.” Anna nodded. Ella continued, “I think Toby now doesn’t know what’s true.”

  Ella blew Anna away sometimes.

  “I think you’re right, Ella Bella.” Anna squeezed her hand.

  They walked quietly for a minute before Ella said softly, “The last thing Daddy said to me was I had to be a good big sister, because Grandad is scared of monsters.”

  Anna choked a chuckle over the lump in her throat. “He said that, yeah?”

  “Yeah. Will Nurse Lane be there today?”

  It was a sudden change, but Anna went with it. “Yup. She’s going down there just to help change your cast. She said she couldn’t wait to see you.”

  “I can’t wait to see her. She was nice.”

  “She was, wasn’t she?”

  “Can she come over
to play one time?”

  Clearing her throat, Anna tried to hide the fact that choked on nothing. How she wished Lane could come over to play. And she didn’t mean dolls. “Nurse Lane is really busy, Ella. But you’ll get to see her when you get this new cast off.”

  “Really?”

  “Yup. She told me that she’ll take it off herself.”

  “Cool.”

  They walked into the clinic and approached the receptionist, who ushered them straight through to a cast room and told them that the nurse wouldn’t be long. Anna tried not to smirk—Lane had said she’d pulled some strings to get placed in the clinic that morning.

  At just that moment, Lane walked in with three takeaway coffee cups in a carrier. “Well hi, Miss Ella.”

  Ella grinned at Lane, and Anna was unable to stop herself smiling either.

  “Hi, Nurse Lane.”

  “There’s those two matching grins again.” She handed one of the cups to Anna, and then held one out to Ella. “If it’s okay with your Aunty Anna, I got you a hot chocolate since the adults get coffee.”

  Ella’s eyes widened and she batted her eyelashes. “Please, Aunty Na?”

  Anna pretended to consider it for a second. “I don’t know, it’s barely quarter past eight in the morning.”

  “You get coffee!”

  “Kid has a point, Aunty Na.”

  Anna rolled her eyes at Lane. “You, shush. Of course you can have it, Ella.”

  “Thank you!” She grabbed the cup, taking a long sip. “There’s marshmallows!” She looked like all her Christmases had come at once.

  Anna chuckled, happy to see Ella behave more like a kid. “Thanks, Lane.”

  “No worries. Now, Ella, let’s save that hot chocolate and get this cast done, then you can have it as a reward.”