All The Little Moments

by G. Benson

  She missed his laugh.

  Anna used to call them when she got home from work, and Sally would answer, and both would drink a glass of wine while they caught up. Jake would eventually steal the phone, and the two of them would chat for ages, each other’s confidante, a constant since they were children.

  And right now? She missed that more than anything. Her throat was burning, and she bit back tears. She wanted to talk to her brother. She wanted to have a simple life, one in which when she met Lane, they could fall into bed together and never turn back. Though, if the damn accident hadn’t happened, she’d be with Hayley. So what did she really want? Anna didn’t know anymore.

  “Anna!”

  She spun at the sound of her name.

  Lane pulled up in front of her, out of breath and concerned, eyes searching Anna’s face. “Why did you leave?”

  Anna wrapped her arms around herself. “Uh, I don’t know.” She really didn’t. In hindsight, it was a little dramatic. “Your face, you looked—”

  “Surprised? Shocked?” Lane stepped forward, hands coming up to rest on Anna’s shoulders as if to hold her in place. “I was. That—that is just, horrible. For you. And for those kids. To lose your brother, and their dad. Their mum.” Lane shook her head. “God—how have you been coping? All your lives have been turned completely upside down.”

  Anna swallowed over a lump in her throat and gave a tiny shrug.

  “Why did you leave?”

  Anna didn’t trust herself to speak.

  Lane was watching her with wide, concerned eyes, and the feelings in Anna’s throat were going to choke her. More forcefully than intended, she kissed Lane. With her eyes still closed, she pulled back, afraid to open them and give herself away.

  “Anna, open your eyes.”

  After a moment she did, and a tear slipped onto her cheek. Lane reached up to brush it away, her thumb gentle on Anna’s skin.

  “I’m sorry.”

  “Why? Because you ran away, or for the tears? You’re not allowed to apologise for tears.”

  “Um, for both.” Lane’s hands were resting against Anna’s neck, while her own hands clenched Lane’s jacket. “I, uh, I thought it might be too much. The kids, all this baggage. My brother.” Her voice hitched slightly over the last word, and she took in a deep breath and let it out slowly.

  Lane’s voice was soft. “You’re an idiot.”

  The laugh trapped inside Anna’s body came out almost like a sob. “Can you blame me?” She looked down. “Did I mention my girlfriend left because of the kids?”

  Lane ducked her head to catch Anna’s eye. Her voice was soft. “Well, she’s an idiot. Can’t say I’m sad though. That means you’re definitely single.”

  “I don’t kiss girls in bathrooms unless I’m single.”

  “Good to know.”

  Anna drew in a shuddering breath, and Lane pulled her forward. Resigning herself to the sensation, Anna buried her face in the warmth of Lane’s neck. Strong arms wrapped around her, and Anna unravelled. The sob that forced its way out of her chest was painful, as if she was parting from something. The tears came hard and fast, finally, soaking Lane’s jacket under her cheek.

  “I’m sorry.” Anna rasped the words against soft skin, hands clinging to Lane.

  Lane’s hands came up into her hair, pulling Anna tighter against her. “I’m not.”

  CHAPTER NINE

  Anna Foster didn’t like to lose control.

  Growing up with a father who favoured discipline and a firm word and a mother who was loving but always bowed to her husband, Anna and her brother had been the strong ones. She liked to be the one who fixed things and people, the one who held it together while everything crumbled. It was what she knew how to do. She had held Ella and Toby as their little worlds flipped. She had held her mother while she sobbed and asked questions Anna just didn’t have the answers to. She had nodded to her dad stoically, chin up and lips pursed, instead of breaking into pieces and collapsing in a heap. Needing someone was not something Anna did.

  But Lane’s arms around her felt incredible, and letting go enough to cry was like bursting out of the water and getting air for the first time in far too long. She didn’t know how long they had stood on the sidewalk, only that eventually, Lane had murmured something, and they had started walking down the street. Arm firmly around Lane, Anna had leant her head on the taller woman’s shoulder, and the tears had just kept falling. She’d definitely opened a floodgate.

  After a short taxi ride, Anna was directed into a building that looked incredibly out of place in the modern area. They made their way inside and up the elevator to Lane’s floor, where she fluidly opened the second door on the right and ushered Anna inside.

  Curiously, Anna stared around the room while Lane took their jackets and dropped them over the couch.

  Turning on the spot, Lane gave her a bemused look. “Tears on your cheek, yet you’re smirking?”

  “Nice place.”

  “Nice place, but...?”

  Her smirk strengthened, though her cheeks were still wet. “It’s incredibly…vintage.”

  “Uh—I like old stuff?”

  “You’re so…sleek, and put together. I imagined you in a shiny, modern apartment.”

  Lane sat on the back of the couch, crossing her arms. “Well, I grew up with parents who treasured anything that had been owned by at least two other people before them. My father loved carpentry, and my mother liked anything my dad fixed up.”

  Glancing around again, Anna tried to ignore the slight shake in her fingers. “In retrospect, this suits you far more than modern.”

  Lane raised an eyebrow playfully. “Mhm.”

  The emotions that lingered just below the surface made being playful impossible, and fresh tears spilled down Anna’s cheeks.

  The second Lane stood, staring at her with concerned eyes, Anna shook her head, stepping back and crossing her arms across her chest.

  “Anna.” Lane’s voice was almost a whisper.

  “I…I’m sorry.” Her own voice was hoarse.

  “Please, stop saying that.”

  This time, when Lane stepped toward her, Anna didn’t match it with one step back but let her close the gap. Anna buried her head into Lane’s neck again, hands pinned between them as she fisted the cloth of Lane’s shirt. “I can’t s-stop, now that I’ve started. I don’t even feel like crying, now. It just won’t stop.”

  Lips against Anna’s ear, Lane asked, “Is this the first time you’ve cried?”

  A nod was all Anna could manage to answer.

  Lane’s grip tightened. “Then you’re definitely banned from the sorry word.” After a few minutes of quiet rocking, Lane finally broke the silence. “Now. Do you want to keep hugging it out or would you like to sit and stare at a movie? Or sit and talk and I can ignore the tears? Or…whatever you want to do?”

  Forehead still pressing against Lane’s shoulder, Anna drew in a shuddering breath. “Sit and talk and ignore the tears.”

  “Okay. Wine? I know we’ve had a few, but wine fits most situations.”

  “Wine, yes.”

  “Right, you, sit.” A gentle push nudged Anna towards the couch and she went without resisting.

  Strangely exhausted, Anna flopped on the couch, unwinding her scarf and throwing it on top of her jacket. Wiping her cheeks, she took in another quiet, shuddering breath. She didn’t know what was wrong with her.

  Lane manoeuvred easily, pulling out a bottle of red and two glasses. She held the red up. “Do you drink red at all? I don’t have any white.”

  “I do.” Anna’s nod was accompanied by a soft, watery smile.

  After pouring them both a glass, Lane sat down next to her, mimicking Anna’s pose. They both took a sip of wine. Lane leant her elbow on the back of the couch and rested her head in her ha
nd, looking imploringly at Anna. “How have you not cried?”

  Anna took another sip and tried to ignore the stinging way her eyes still watered. “I don’t know. I had to…my mum, she needed me. And then the kids. And then Hayley. And then I, it was like I’d stopped it so much that I couldn’t, even if I felt like I wanted to.”

  Shifting forward ever so slightly so that their knees touched, Lane put her wine down on the coffee table. She rested one hand hesitantly on Anna’s knee. “Were you close? With your brother?”

  Anna closed her eyes as if bracing herself. She nodded as she opened them slowly. “We were. Very.”

  Lane’s furrowed brow caused tears to spill over Anna’s eyes once more. She was grateful it happened without sobs, without the catching of breath. Lane didn’t move forward to comfort her, obviously honouring Anna’s instructions to ignore the tears.

  “Were you always close? Because me and my sisters fought constantly as kids. It wasn’t until we were out of high school that we started to get along.”

  “You have sisters?”

  “Yeah, two. My older sister and I get along great, but my younger sister and I argue like you wouldn’t believe. We’re too different—she’s a good person, though.”

  “I can’t imagine her being related to you and not being.”

  “I could be a horrible person.”

  Anna laughed, the noise loosening the restricted feeling in her chest. “We may not know each other very well, but I know you’re not a horrible person, Lane.”

  “So you grew up close? I don’t know if there are a lot of brothers and sisters that can say they did that and stayed that way.”

  “Jake and I…” She just wanted to be able to say his name without it making her stomach ache. “We were just, close. We moved a couple of times, and it just made us closer. We got along well, there was barely a year between us. We were kind of inseparable.”

  “Who was older?”

  “He was. Though people used to assume we were twins.”

  Lane’s hand traced patterns on Anna’s knee, but her eyes were solely focused on Anna’s face as they talked. Wine glass balanced on her thigh, Anna relaxed sideways into the couch.

  “Did he like being a big brother?”

  The question was like a punch in the gut. Despite that, Anna softened as she pondered her answer. “He did, I think. Even though we were close in age, he was protective. He punched a guy when I was sixteen for calling me a dyke.”

  “Some guy did that?”

  “Yeah. Jake heard him, grabbed his shoulder, spun him around, and clocked him in the chin.”

  Lane smirked. “I shouldn’t condone violence, but that’s awesome.”

  “Yeah, it was. Later, I told him I was one. He just said to tell him something he didn’t know.”

  “He sounds awesome.”

  “He really was.”

  “Were you close to his wife?”

  Anna glanced down. “Yeah. Sally and I got on like a house on fire. I met her when I was twenty-one, and we bonded over a mutual love of white wine and torturing Jake.” She smiled softly. “They were so in love, those two. There was no…hesitancy? No ifs, or maybes. They were just so solid.”

  “That’s really nice.”

  “It was. Jake got drunk one night after their third date and called to tell me he was going to marry her.”

  “Third date? That’s the sex date.”

  “I’m fairly certain their first was the sex date.”

  “Go Jake.” Lane sounded genuinely impressed. “Sounds like the Fosters have a way with the ladies.”

  Anna laughed again, the sound less like a choking noise, almost bordering on genuine. “I don’t know about that. But he was certain about Sally. Even while he was deployed, they were fine.”

  “He was in the army?”

  “Air Force. Over in Iraq. When Sally fell pregnant with Toby, he moved into administration. There was a near miss with an air strike, he was lucky. He told me once that he didn’t…” Anna paused and looked down at her wine, “he didn’t want to leave his kids without their dad.”

  Fingers tightening on Anna’s knee again, Lane stayed silent.

  Without looking up, Anna continued. “I wonder so many things, Lane. If he had stayed in Iraq, would they both be okay? If they had taken his stupid SUV instead of Sally’s tiny work car, would they have survived?”

  “It’s normal to do that. But being in the job you are, you know there’s no point wondering.”

  Finally dragging her eyes from her wine, Anna blinked back tears. “I know. But I can’t help it. He was so brave in Iraq. Jake survived a war, and then a drunk asshole wiped two of the most amazing people off the earth, and left two kids orphans.”

  The ticking of a clock from the mantle was overly loud as Lane seemed to not know what to say. Finally, she said, “Life’s shit. And unfair, sometimes.”

  “It is.”

  “Those two kids, though? They’re lucky, they have you. It’s a shit situation, but they have you.”

  Anna swallowed heavily, eyes dropping again. “Yeah.”

  “What is it?”

  Sitting straighter, Anna closed in on herself slightly as she cradled her wine glass. “This is a crap first date.”

  Lane looked affronted. “This is not a date. My kind of date will knock your socks off and have you throwing yourself at me.”

  In spite of herself, Anna smiled. “I believe that. Well, this is a crap first proper conversation.”

  “Shut up, Anna. There’s nothing crap about this. I’ve wanted to get to know you since you tried to kill me with a shopping trolley.”

  “Well, I’m learning you’re an exaggerator. Almost killed you? Please.”

  “Close enough. Now, don’t avoid it. What was that a minute ago? Those kids are so lucky you’re in their lives.”

  Running her fingertip around the rim of her glass was easier than responding to that. But Lane seemed determined to make her talk.

  “I didn’t want to do it.” Saying it out loud made the guilt swell up fiercely in her stomach. “I never wanted kids. Let alone someone else’s.” Her cheeks burned and Anna stared at her fingers.

  “So?”

  Anna’s head whipped up. “What do you mean, so? I didn’t want to do it. I liked my life the way it was. Even now, there are days—most days—where I just want to open the door and run as far away as I can. Those kids deserve someone who wants them; they deserve parents.”

  “Anna, so what if you didn’t want to do it? You still did it. You dropped your entire life, sacrificed your girlfriend and moved cities to look after your brother’s kids. So what if you didn’t want kids? Or if you wanted to say no, at first? Look at what you’re doing, now. I just have to watch Ella for a minute to see she dotes on you.”

  Cheeks still burning, Anna stared at Lane. “Sometimes I want to run. Sometimes I’m lying there, in bed, after putting on mountains of washing of tiny children clothing, after running around after dinner and bath time. I think about how Ella barely speaks and is obviously so broken for someone so little, and how Toby is starting to forget. I think of how Ella sits on the couch and stares at the wall, not the TV. And I think about how I want my life back. It’s so selfish, but I just want my life back. I lie there and I feel like I’m going to explode.”

  “That would be the lack of sex.”

  Anna choked on a gulp of wine. “Excuse me?”

  “The need to explode? There are things you can do about that.”

  The snort that Anna gave was not attractive. “Way to ruin a serious moment.”

  “Look, of course you feel like that. You’re grieving, you’re in a new city, you’ve been dumped, and you’ve gained two kids. You’re allowed to have some feelings about that. You can be angry and resentful and hate it if you need to.” Lane tucked her
fingers under Anna’s chin, tugging her head up so Anna was forced to look her in the eye. “You can feel all that. It’s allowed. But it’s what you’re doing that matters. And those kids? You love them, and you’re there for them. Even though it wasn’t what you wanted. How you feel, I’m ninety percent certain every parent on earth has felt, so I think you’re allowed to feel it, too.”

  Moving closer, Anna’s eyes fluttered closed at the last minute as she pressed her lips to Lane’s. She pulled back slightly, breath mingled between them. “You’re some kind of amazing, Lane Bishop, you know that?”

  Lane rolled her eyes. “Like you’ve implied, you barely know me.”

  “I’d like to.”

  “You would?”

  “I would.”

  She placed Anna’s wine glass on the coffee table, sliding one hand behind Anna’s neck, the other sliding over her knee. As she pulled Anna gently forward into a kiss, Anna’s lips parted and Lane’s tongue traced her lower lip, tasting of wine and salt. She sucked gently on the sensitive flesh before letting it go.

  With a groan, Anna followed Lane as she slowly sunk back into the couch. Arms braced on either side of Lane, Anna half fell between her legs. What started gentle quickly turned intense. Anna’s wrought emotions were still raw. Their lips were forceful, tongues and teeth colliding.

  Anna shifted so her thigh rested between Lane’s legs, gasping as Lane’s pressed up between hers. She dropped her weight slightly, one hand bracing herself, the other buried in Lane’s hair. Her fingers tangled in curls, tugging gently, and a groan escaped Lane.

  Heat settled low in Anna’s stomach. Lane’s skin felt better than Anna could even have imagined. The feel of her lips took her breath away. The way Lane’s hips moved under her, her thigh pressing up and against Anna’s body, drove her crazy. She wanted to drown in this feeling, to drown in Lane. Her life had been a giant mess for so long, but here, with Lane against her, moving under her, Anna felt okay. More than okay, she felt like she could breathe, like she could escape. She’d been afraid that telling Lane would make her run. Instead, she’d found someone who listened, who was interested. She’d found someone who caused the most amazing shudder to course through her body. Anna could barely suppress a moan.