All The Little Moments

by G. Benson

  Ella blinked at her. “Hi.”

  She snuggled into Anna’s chest, and Anna wrapped her up in her arms. Soft clouds of hair tickled Anna’s neck, and she gave her a kiss. “I missed you.”

  Ella only shook her head slightly against Anna’s neck, silence her response.

  “I did, Ella Bella.”

  While Anna wanted to let Ella process on her own, she wasn’t going to leave her stewing on whatever was going on in her head that whole time. She at least needed to ensure Ella understood that what had happened had been out of Anna’s hands.

  Before Anna could say anything else, Ella spoke in a whisper: “Why didn’t you come find us then?”

  A lump filled Anna’s throat instantly. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath, then wrapped her arms tighter around Ella. “Honey, I wanted to.”

  Another head shake.

  “I did.” Anna didn’t know how to explain this to a six-year-old. “Ella? You know when you get in trouble at school?”

  “I don’t get into trouble.”

  In any other moment, Anna would have chuckled. “Okay, you know when other kids get into trouble? And there is all this stuff the teachers have to do? Like tell their big boss, the principal? And then the teachers send the kid there? And then the principal has to tell the kid’s parents? And they have to wait for the parents to come in so they can all talk, and the kid has to wait in the hallway?”

  This was making no sense, but Ella nodded.

  “Well, you got taken by people who had to make sure I was looking after you properly. And to get you back, I had to wait for those people to talk to their boss—he was called a judge, though, not a principal. And I had to sit outside until I could find out what they said.” She sighed, hand on the back of Ella’s head. “Does that make sense?”

  Ella half shrugged in her arms. Pulling back, Anna saw that Ella’s face was pinched together as she tried not to cry, her cheeks a blotchy red. Anna welled up herself, swallowing past the lump in her throat.

  “If it were up to me, I would have pulled you out of the car when Lorna came that night. All I was doing while you were gone was fighting alongside all the people trying to get you back. I love you, Ella Bella. You and Toby and me all belong together.” She stared intently at Ella, who had finally given a hiccup and started to cry, staring into Anna’s eyes.

  “Oh, honey.” Anna wrapped her back up and pulled her right into her, tears on her own cheeks as Ella came undone in her arms. The little girl sobbed, and Anna had no more words to give her. Instead, she rubbed her back and smoothed her hair and held her as tightly as she could.

  They lay for a while, Ella’s hiccups slowly fading, her breathing evening out. The fingers that were clenched in Anna’s tank top eventually relaxed. Ella sniffled, rubbing her nose against the material of Anna’s shirt and making it wetter.

  “You okay?”

  Ella nodded, still pressed against Anna. This time, she pulled back on her own. Watery eyes searched Anna’s face. “You cried, too?”

  “Yup.”

  Delicate eyebrows scrunched together. “I don’t like that you cried.”

  Anna gave a low chuckle. “I don’t like you crying, either, because I don’t like you being sad; but some of it’s happy tears, Ella. I got you and Toby back.”

  “But you smile when you’re happy.”

  “Sometimes your body gets confused. I’m smiling now, though.” Slowly, Ella smiled too, and when her green eyes lit up, she looked so much like Sally that Anna’s chest ached. “And now you are.”

  Quickly, Anna blew a raspberry against Ella’s neck; she giggled and tried to squirm away as Anna did it again and again.

  “Aunty Na! Stop it!”

  “Nope!”

  “Please!”

  “Never!”

  “Aunty Na!”

  “Fine.”

  Ella flopped back dramatically on the bed, breathless and grinning.

  “Can we have pancakes now? We didn’t last night.”

  Anna smiled through the aching in her chest. “Sure.”

  They both turned their heads as they heard Toby make grumpy, baby-waking-up noises.

  Ella looked at Anna. “Toby’s up.”

  “Okay. Plan of attack. We get Toby up, eat pancakes, go do some grocery shopping, go to the library and get you some new books. Then we’ll come home for Toby to nap and for us to read the books. Then,” she paused for emphasis, “Kym, Lane and Grandma are coming over and we are going to go to the park.”

  Ella’s eyes lit up, and she sat up on the bed. “Really?”

  “Really.” Anna sat up too, pulling the still-half-asleep Toby into her and rubbing his back gently. “So, you take Toby and make pancakes, and I’ll wait here for breakfast in bed.”

  The way Ella rolled her eyes made her look sixteen, not six. “I can’t do either of those things.”

  Anna made sure to sigh as dramatically as she could. “Okay. Fine. You go get the things out of the cupboard we need and I’ll deal with Toby nappies.”

  Ella slid off the bed and raced out the door. “Okay!” Her voice called out loudly, even from the hallway.

  Looking down, the sight of Toby blinking up at her, grinning around the pacifier she’d used in a desperate attempt last night, confronted Anna. Sleepily, he pushed up and snuggled into her neck, his fingers playing with the material of her shirt. With her eyes closed, Anna leant back against the headboard. She’d missed morning cuddles with Toby. He held his ratty blue blanket close between their bodies while his other hand continued to grip her shirt. “Shall we get you ready and go get some pancakes, Tobes?”

  He sat up, eyes wide. “Cakes?”

  “You bet.”

  He wriggled excitedly in her arms.

  As she changed his nappy, she made a secret oath she doubted would last very long to never complain about doing this task if it meant she had the kids with her. Then she got him dressed in denim overalls and a striped green shirt underneath, pulling his shoes on while he kicked his legs cheekily. She poked his tummy and pulled him back into her arms, where he settled back in, blue blanket grasped firmly under his arm.

  The blanket. Anna tried to not make a big deal of it. When Sally and Jake had first passed away, the blanket had gone everywhere with him, as it had most times since he was a baby. As time had passed and, Anna supposed, he got a little older, the blanket had started to be left behind, increasingly only used for sleep. Leading up to the trial, he’d been using it and his pacifier a lot less. Mostly at night it would make an appearance, but for the last month, that had been it.

  And now it was back, Toby clutching it firmly.

  Anna plodded down the stairs, chatting to Toby until the scene in the kitchen brought her to a stop.

  At the bench, Ella stood on her footstool, eggs, flour, and milk in front of her with the mixing utensils fanned out. A measuring cup was buried in a jar of flour. She looked up. “One of these cups?”

  Anna nodded, walking over with Toby and plopping him down on the floor. Immediately, he started to try climb up her legs, making whiny noises.

  She looked down. “Wanna stay down there with some books, Tobes? We’ll get your trains?”

  Fingers clasped her pyjama pants as Toby tried to scale her leg. “Na.”

  Indulging him for now, Anna bent down and picked him back up. She had no idea what was normal for this situation and felt at a loss all over again. But there was no way she could say no at the moment.

  Content back on her hip, Toby peered over to watch Ella.

  Anna watched her, too, smiling when puffs of flour billowed up in the air. “That’s it, Ella. I’ll help with the milk.”

  They made pancakes, passing the morning by eating far too many of them. They all hung out in the living room, playing with Toby’s trains while Ella studiously coloured
in. Relieved it was Saturday and she didn’t have to keep Ella out of school for this bonding time, Anna took the kids in the late morning to the grocery store, then the library. It didn’t take long for her to start to hate the fact that it was Saturday, though: two hours later they returned home, Anna frazzled by the amount of people at the stores and the library. That experience was not one she would be repeating with two children any time soon.

  Toby, full from the lunch they’d had while out, fell asleep on the drive home. Anna settled him in his bed, rubbing circles on his back until he was deeply asleep.

  By the time it was four o’clock, Toby was awake again. He and Ella sat on the floor next to the table in the kitchen, playing with his cars and trains as Anna drank a coffee. It wasn’t long before Toby was back on her lap, train in hand.

  There was a knock at the door and Anna looked up sharply as she heard a small crash.

  Ella sat there frozen, eyes wide, peering towards the hallway, the train she had been holding now upside down on the floor next to her crossed legs.

  “Ella?”

  She didn’t look at Anna. Her cheeks were pale, chest rising and falling rapidly.

  “Ella Bella?”

  Ella blinked and looked at her. “Who’s here?”

  The panicked look in Ella’s eye made Anna react instinctively. She held out her hand, and Ella hesitated only a second before standing up and leaning into Anna in a rush, half sitting on her lap.

  “It’ll be Lane or Kym or Grandma.” Anna smiled reassuringly. “Let’s go see, hey?”

  Ella nodded, still wide eyed, and took her hand. Anna led her to the front door, Toby on her hip.

  “Who is it?” Ella called after Anna poked her.

  “Someone bearing treats!”

  Anna grinned, looking down at Ella. “Who did that sound like?”

  “Kym!” Already kneeling to wrap Ella in her arms, Kym hugged her tightly the moment the door opened. “Ella! I missed you!” As she hugged Ella, she looked over her shoulder to Anna and the baby. “Toby!”

  With an excited shout Toby lunged himself forward until Anna put him down. He ran at Kym, leaving Anna without a child on or directly next to her for the first time all day.

  “Did you bring treats?” Ella looked at Kym with all the love and adoration of a six-year-old promised chocolate.

  Kym laughed loudly. “I did! They’re for a picnic at the park though. Know anyone who would be interested in coming to the park with me?”

  “Me!”

  “Oh! You want to come? I thought you hated parks. Especially ones with a picnic.”

  “No. I love parks! Who told you that?” She turned and glared at Anna. “Did you tell Kym that?”

  Hands held up, Anna shook her head. “Nope. Not me.”

  As Kym stood, Toby looked at her like she was the second coming.

  Still looking worried, Ella looked back to Kym. “Well, I love parks.”

  “Then you can definitely come.”

  Before they could move inside, Lane pulled up, waving through the window.

  “Nurse Lane!” When Ella bolted for Lane, Anna felt some of the lingering tension in her chest relax as she watched them greet each other.

  Kym looked to Anna, rubbing her nose on Toby’s cheek to make him giggle.

  “Hey,” Anna said.

  “Hey.” Leaving Lane chattering with Ella next to her car, they walked inside. “You know, Ella just adores her.”

  Anna looked over her shoulder to Kym. “I know.”

  “Good. So, all is right with the world?”

  While Anna put the kettle on, Kym settled at the table, bag dumped on the floor and a clinging Toby on her lap.

  “All is very right.”

  Kym “oohed” at Toby, who had pulled one of his books off the table and was pointing at a random page to show her. “I was so relieved for you guys. Not that it should have gone any other way.”

  Completely comfortable, Toby leant back against Kym, and Anna nodded as she watched them together. “I was relieved, too.”

  Kym looked up at her over Toby’s head, turning pages for him, her face concerned. “How are they?”

  Anna shrugged and checked that Toby was absorbed in his book. “Blanket’s going everywhere.” An indication with her chin showed what she meant. “And I can’t put him down. And E…well, she’s unsettled. Quiet. We had a chat, which will hopefully help. The knock at the door made her panic.”

  With a sad nod, Kym said, “That will calm down. She’ll realise she’s safe eventually.”

  Anna gnawed her bottom lip, wanting to believe her.

  “No way!” Ella’s voice cut through the silence.

  “Yes way!”

  “I don’t believe you!”

  “Ella, who’s the nurse here?”

  “You.”

  “Exactly.”

  They entered the kitchen, and Lane looked up from Ella. “Hello, ladies.”

  Kym waved at her and went back to Toby.

  “What were you two talking about?” Anna asked.

  Lane walked over to Toby and kissed his neck in a quick flurry of kisses, making him giggle. In moments, Lane was in the kitchen next to Anna, and soft fingers trailed down her back. “Ella doesn’t believe me that there’s a Finding Nemo 2 coming out.”

  “What does being a nurse have to do with that?”

  Lane shrugged, smirking. “I use what I have.”

  Anna chuckled.

  Ella’s voice interrupted them.

  “You two really like each other.”

  They both looked to Ella, who was staring at them blatantly.

  Amused, Kym glanced up. Flicking her eyes from Kym’s smirk to Ella’s honest face, Anna had no idea where that had come from.

  “What, Ella?”

  “You two. You really like each other. You’re always staring and smiling with gross looks on your faces. Kind of like how Aladdin looks at Jasmin.”

  Not even attempting to cover the sound, Kym cracked up. Anna resisted the urge to throw something at her. Needing help, Anna turned to Lane, who had nothing to offer with a blank look. With no one else to go to for help, Anna gave her attention back to Ella.

  “Uh…yeah, we do really like each other.”

  “So obvious.”

  “Right, Ella? They’re so obvious.”

  Anna was sure Lane was also staring at Ella with her mouth wide open.

  “What?” Ella asked, looking from one to the other.

  Finally closing her mouth, Anna shook her head. “Nothing.”

  Kym snorted again, and Ella looked at her. “What?”

  “Nothing.”

  Mouth still slightly agape, Lane still stared at Ella.

  “What?”

  Lane shook her head. “Nothing, Ella.”

  “You guys are weird.”

  The lights were off, and they were all washed in the flickering blue glow of Finding Nemo, because they apparently needed to “be on top of it all” for the sequel in a year.

  The afternoon in the park had been relaxing, and Sandra had looked so happy Anna thought she might cry. Through use of expert puppy dog eyes, Ella had convinced Lane and Kym to stay for DVD night, since it was Saturday and it was tradition.

  Now, with Toby in bed, all four of them were struggling to stay awake on the couch. Ella was half-asleep with her head on Anna’s lap, legs stretched out over both Lane and Kym. Kym kept drifting off and snapping her head up, while Anna and Lane blinked heavily. As she looked at them all, Anna couldn’t help but think about the toll the last few days had taken on all of them.

  Kym jolted herself awake again.

  With a smirk, Anna poked her. “You sleeping here tonight, Kym?”

  “That okay if I crash on your lovely couch?”

 
; “Definitely. We can all have breakfast in the morning.”

  Through her yawn, Ella asked, “Pancakes again? Lane, you’re staying, too? You make the best pancakes.”

  Slightly panicked, Lane looked to Anna.

  “We’re kind of running out of beds, Ella.”

  “She can sleep in your bed. You like each other and stuff. Hayley and you used to sleep in the same bed here.” Her eyes were back on the screen, problem solved in her mind.

  With a look at Lane, who was trying not to look too hopeful, Anna turned back to Ella. “Would that be okay with you?”

  “I get pancakes.”

  “Okay then.” She looked to Lane. “Wanna have a sleepover?”

  “Yes, please.”

  “Ugh.”

  With a roll of her eyes, Ella looked up at Kym. “I know, right?”

  Kym grinned.

  Ella fell asleep sprawled over them all on the couch, delighted to know she’d be waking up in the morning with her three favourite people. A glance to the right showed Anna that Kym had also drifted off.

  “You take the big one and I’ll take the small one?”

  Lane chuckled. “Deal.”

  Lane found a blanket while Anna woke Ella and guided her, half-asleep, to the toilet and then to bed. As she tucked Ella in, she gave her a hug, and, when Anna pulled away, Ella clung to her shirt. Not having the heart to leave, Anna sat stroking her hair until Ella fell back to sleep, her hand falling away on its own as she drifted off.

  Anna sat for a minute longer, hand stilled on the sleeping Ella’s forehead, and watched her.

  The relief that Ella was back and in her bed, that Anna could touch her, was almost overpowering. Ella was like a doll when she slept, an adorable mix of Sally and Jake—gangly limbs, the soft curve of her nose, and the smattering of freckles that covered it.

  The sick sense that she’d failed her brother and Sally had started to disappear now that the kids were back under the same roof as her. Anna still ached to have Jake there, to ask him how she was doing, if everything was how he would want it. And then the sick feeling would wash over her again, because what Jake would want would be to be alive with Sally and his kids.

  As she watched Ella sleep, she thought about how she had Jake’s slow smile, his inherent curiosity about everything, and a serious, introspective side. This was balanced by the sheer energy she’d taken from Sally, along with the way Sally would look at someone and sometimes know exactly what they were thinking.