All The Little Moments

by G. Benson

  A sob escaped her, and Lane pulled her up and into her arms. Anna buried her face in Lane’s neck, and her fingers dug into her back as she clung on. She had no idea why she was feeling like this, why now.

  But she missed her brother.

  Lane’s hand ran down her hair and over her back as she threw her leg over Anna’s hip, pulling closer.

  Another sob heaved out of her chest, and Anna’s eyes stung with salt. “And Lane, God, I love you.” Her hand gripped the back of Lane’s neck. “Do you have any idea just how much better you make everything else?”

  With a shake of her head Lane pulled Anna up, kissing her, cheeks wet. Fingers wrapped in Anna’s hair, Lane drew her closer for another kiss.

  When they finally parted, Anna gripped her arm. “I know I don’t always talk. It’s okay to push me, sometimes.”

  Avoiding her eyes, Lane nodded slowly. “I just, didn’t want to push you away.”

  Foreheads together, their breath mingled between them. “You couldn’t do that.”

  Lane took in a deep breath; Anna did the same, hers shuddering slightly.

  “I just miss them.”

  Making soothing sounds, Lane wrapped her back in her arms. “I know you do.”

  They lay quietly for a minute before Anna kissed the skin under Lane’s lips. “And you can tell Ella we’re girlfriends. You’re a part of the kids’ lives, too. I trust you to tell her whatever you want.”

  Touch soft, Lane tilted Anna’s face up and kissed her.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE

  “Why don’t you sleep in the big room?”

  Anna looked up at Ella as she tried to sneak the last few bites of Toby’s meal into his mouth. Every time she thought she was about to succeed, he clamped his lips shut and turned his head away, then laughed almost maniacally.

  “Uh…in your mommy and daddy’s room?”

  Ella took a big sip of juice. “Yeah. The room you’re in is for when people have sleepovers. But you’re not a guest. You live here.”

  Anna managed to get a mouthful of food into Toby, which he promptly spat back out. The glare she attempted was ruined by the charming grin he gave her as half-chewed peas stuck to his chin. Anna started wiping him up. Sometimes it was easier to just give up.

  “Would it be weird for you, Ella Bella, if I slept in that room?”

  Ella just shrugged and went back to her fish.

  Later that night, when Toby was fast asleep and Ella had weaselled three stories out of Anna, Ella grabbed her hand as she stood to go. That wasn’t unusual these days, but her words left Anna speechless.

  “Mummy always liked people being comfy when they stayed over.” Her big green eyes looked up at Anna sincerely. “And I think you’d be more comfy in their room. And then Kym can be comfy in your bed when she stays.”

  Anna crawled onto the bed next to Ella and pulled her into a cuddle. Quiet and contemplative, Ella played with the pendant around Anna’s neck.

  For a moment, Anna considered where she wanted to take this conversation. “How about I move some things from there tomorrow? And then you can pick things that you want to keep safe, of Mummy’s and Daddy’s. And then we’ll find a special place for you to keep them?”

  “Can I tell you a secret?”

  “Always.”

  With a sniffle, Ella pulled away then, and leant over her bed, pulling out Jake’s hoodie, the one Sally had kept under her pillow for when he was away. Guiltily, she held it out. “I took this after that time me and Toby threw up everywhere. Sometimes I wear it when I can’t fall asleep.”

  Brushing the hair off Ella’s face, Anna let her fingers trace her soft cheeks. “Ella Bella, why do you look worried?”

  Eyes on her lap, Ella picked at the hem of her jumper. “‘Cause I took it and it’s not mine.”

  Gently, Anna took the hoodie, pulling it over Ella’s head swiftly as she slipped her skinny arms through the sleeves; it was miles too big for her.

  “It can be yours if you want it to be.”

  With the hood over her head, Ella lay back down, tugging at Anna’s hand so she’d lay with her. Anna tried not to think about how it still smelt a little like her brother.

  “Can I keep Mummy’s teddy from when she was a kid?”

  Pulling Ella in tighter, Anna nodded against the soft material of her brother’s once-prized jumper. “You can keep whatever you want.”

  “What about Toby?”

  “We’ll choose some things for him, too.”

  Taking a deep breath, Anna pushed open her brother’s bedroom door.

  The room was clean, now. No slight layer of dust. Even though she didn’t like stepping into this room, Anna included it when she ran the vacuum over the rest of the house. Since the night with Ella and Toby when they’d been sick and miserable, the room wasn’t always shut off. Anna used the bathroom sometimes; she left the door open. But no one regularly went in there.

  Lane was at work and Anna had a day off in the middle of the week; Ella was at school and Toby was asleep. So now, Anna stared into the room and prepared herself to start to pack it up.

  When he woke, she’d bring him in to “help,” thinking if anything grabbed his attention, she’d keep it aside for him. Boxes sat in the hall, gathered from a grocery store that morning.

  All she had to do was step in and start.

  She jumped when the doorbell rang.

  Relief spread through her. She walked down the stairs, pulling open the door to find a red-eyed Kym. Her hair was in sloppy braids, and she was wearing sweats. She didn’t look like she’d slept. “Kym—what—are you okay?”

  Kym folded her arms across her chest. “Uh. I am. I’m okay.”

  Anna watched her, hand still on the door.

  Kym made no move to step in. “I called in sick to work today.”

  “You sleep last night?”

  Kym shook her head. “Kind of. I packed it up. Everything. Yesterday afternoon and all night, I packed it up. And then I put in a rental application online at one a.m. And then I drank two bottles of wine. And I slept in our bed for an hour and woke up, and he wasn’t there.”

  Anna let go of the door, stepped forward, and wrapped her arms around Kym, gripping the thin woman to her.

  For just for a second, Kym’s fingers dug into her back before she pushed Anna away and nodded once. “So, I’m moving.”

  Anna’s fingers curled around Kym’s forearms. “Yeah. You’re moving.”

  “What are you up to?”

  Anna shrugged. “Trying to be as strong as you and pack up Jake and Sally’s things from their room.”

  “Seriously? Like, right now?”

  “Yup. You rang the bell and gave me the perfect excuse to stop standing in the doorway, staring into their room and achieving nothing.”

  “Want a hand?”

  “Don’t be silly—you look exhausted.”

  “Anna—let me help.”

  The look Kym gave her was almost pleading and, not for the first time, Anna wondered how she was still standing. “Okay.”

  Anna stepped back, and Kym walked in and followed her up the stairs. They both paused in the doorway, Anna looking into the room apprehensively. Kym turned and looked at her profile, then did what Anna couldn’t: she grabbed a box and stepped in, turning to look at Anna.

  Grabbing a box herself, Anna followed. She looked around at Sally and Jake’s things spread out, the touches of objects that made up their room—photos, ornaments from travels, the bottle of sand Jake had sent Sally from Iraq, Sally’s collection of first-edition novels passed down from her grandmother. All of it just stuff really, just things. But all of it was a collection of them, mapping out the moments of their meeting, falling pregnant, getting married, starting a family.

  This room was them, in a lot of ways. It was their space.<
br />
  Kym tilted her head as Anna watched her look around. “Let’s start with the socks. Can’t get sentimental about socks.”

  With a shaky laugh, Anna nodded. “Socks it is.”

  “Hello?”

  The sound floated up the stairway, and Anna felt relieved. Lane was here.

  “Upstairs!” Anna tried to call out quietly.

  She heard Lane’s footsteps on the stairs and looked up from where she sat cross-legged on the floor in the middle of Jake and Sally’s room.

  Lane paused in the doorway and took in the scene in front of her.

  The room was filled with boxes, drawers opened and empty, the wardrobe door open, and nothing but dust inside. There were boxes in two separate piles, one along a wall, and the other near the bed. The dresser was barren and most of the boxes were taped up.

  A concerned smile hovered on Lane’s face. “How you doing?”

  Finger to her lips, Anna indicated the bed. Passed out over the covers lay Toby and Kym.

  “That is possibly the cutest thing I’ve ever seen.”

  “Kym didn’t get much sleep last night. She lasted four hours before falling asleep.”

  “Toby’s sleeping late?”

  Anna gave a slight shrug. “He woke up far too early from his nap from the noise and then passed out again. He’ll be fine.”

  Leaning her shoulder against the doorframe, Lane watched Anna. Lost, Anna looked around the bedroom.

  “You going to move in here?”

  Anna sighed, leaning back on her hands. “I suppose.” She looked up at Lane. “I mean, that’s what makes sense. It just feels...weird, like I’m trying to replace them.”

  “I don’t think it’s like that at all. It makes sense for you to be in here. It’s your house now, Anna. They left it for you, because if this happened, they wanted you to feel like it was yours.”

  Anna nodded, staring at a box.

  With a sigh, Lane walked forward, sitting cross-legged in front of her and resting her hands on Anna’s knees. “It sucks.” Anna looked up at her sharply. Lane continued. “It sucks, to put it all in boxes.”

  “It does.”

  “I’m glad Kym was here.”

  “I don’t think I would have started without her. You would have gotten here tonight to find me surrounded by empty boxes.” Anna looked down at her watch. “Actually, on that…it’s only four?” A smile spread over her face. “You’re early.”

  “I escaped.”

  “Are you playing hooky?”

  Coyly, Lane grinned. “I may have found out I’m stuck on a random night shift tomorrow and so may have taken the liberty of claiming extensive hours to the coordinator, who panicked when he looked at my roster and sent me home, scared I’d call the union.”

  Chuckling, Anna wrapped her arms around Lane’s neck. “Sneaky.”

  With a soft kiss, Lane closed the distance, arms tightening around each other.

  Lips trailing down Lane’s neck, Anna grimaced when Lane said, “Haven’t got to do that in a few days.”

  “I know. Life has a habit of getting in the way.”

  Lane’s hands came up to lift Anna’s head. “Just makes it more worth it when I see you.”

  “Okay, seriously, you two are repulsive.”

  They both turned to see Kym sitting up on her elbow, rubbing her eyes and making a face.

  A smirk played on Anna’s lips, and she reached for the box she had next to her, pondering the inside of it. Her expression turned uncertain.

  Kym sat up on the bed, crossing her legs. “Stop. It’s fine.”

  All Anna could do was shrug. She cast a worried look at Toby, still fast asleep, then back to the box.

  Lane looked at Toby, too. “Thinking of putting him in there?”

  “Funny. It’s a box of things to keep for him, of both their stuff.”

  “How do you choose something like that?”

  “Exactly. What if I keep the wrong things?”

  Moving to the edge of the bed, Kym spoke up. “Anna, nothing you keep for him will be wrong. You kept the things he kept grabbing at in here and added the things you thought he’d like.”

  Anna chewed her lip and passed the box over to Lane, who peered inside. “You’re giving him the sand in the glass?”

  “Yeah.”

  Lane had a look through, noting the dark black jacket Anna had kept of Jake’s that might one day fit Toby, the odd ornament, the photos, the shaving kit, and the bottle of aftershave. “This is perfect, Anna.”

  Still worried, Anna gnawed her lip.

  With a squeeze of Anna’s knee, Lane smiled. “It’s a big responsibility, choosing this stuff. You’ve done well.”

  Anna sighed and looked up to the bed where Toby was sleeping soundly. “He’s just so little.”

  Kym turned her head and looked at Toby, curled up next to her leg. She ran her hand through his curls. “He is.” She looked up at Anna. “But he’ll be okay. The sand is a great idea, and so is the jacket.”

  Toby stirred then and sat up, hair tousled. He rubbed his eyes and looked around, face splitting into a sleepy grin as he took them all in. Finally, he zeroed in on Anna, grabbed his blanket, and half crawled to the edge of the bed, turning onto his stomach to slide off. Toddling over, he fell into her lap, wrapping his arms around her and burying his face into her neck as he yawned widely, not quite awake.

  Anna brushed the hair off his forehead.

  When she looked up, both Lane and Kym were gazing at Toby with smitten looks on their faces. “You two are ridiculous.”

  They both looked up at once, surprised. “What?”

  “You’re both only here to use me for the cute toddler. Admit it.”

  They looked at each other and shrugged. “We were hoping you’d take longer to clue in,” Kym said.

  Poking her tongue out, Anna tugged Toby closer; he quickly became indignant and squirmed to be put down. When Anna set him on the ground, he stood for a minute, blinking and looking around, before sitting soundly back in Anna’s lap.

  Lane rolled her eyes. “He adores you.”

  “Jealous?”

  About to reply, Lane was cut off as they heard the door open downstairs.

  “I saw Nurse Lane’s car! And Kym’s!” Ella’s voice came yelling up at them.

  “Ella! You don’t have to scream it out.” Sandra’s voice reached them, and Toby stood up, looking delighted at the sound and bolting for the door.

  “Well, where are they?”

  All three stood up and followed Toby out into the hall, where the toddler was about to launch himself down the stairs.

  Anna raced forward. “Toby! Wait for us or take the rail!”

  Blanket clutched in both hands, he didn’t even look at her as he started to climb down. Quickly, Anna reached forward and grasped the back of his shirt. “Toby!”

  He looked up and tried to keep walking forward, Anna holding tight to his shirt so his little legs kicked at air. “Toby Andrew Foster!” She tugged him up, and he squirmed in her arms. “You know you need to hold the rail or wait for me.”

  He squirmed more and made a whiny noise as Anna gripped him.

  “I do it!”

  Secretly delighted he’d just thrown out a sentence, Anna held onto him and started walking down. She could practically feel the amusement coming off Kym and Lane behind her. Her mother looked up at them, Ella bouncing from foot to foot next to her in her school uniform.

  Anna looked at Toby, who had half twisted around trying to get down. “Nope. Now you get carried because you didn’t listen.”

  She blew a raspberry on his neck, making him half giggle and half whine before she set him on the ground at the bottom.

  Instantly, Toby ran to Sandra, his goal since he’d heard her voice. Anna’s mother bent down
and picked him up. “Toby! Are you being naughty?”

  “Nan!” He looked absolutely delighted with himself, his little chest puffed out.

  Unable to be grumpy at him, Sandra chuckled and kissed his cheek, looking up at Anna. “Hello, and hello to you two,” she greeted Lane and Kym.

  Bouncing forward, Ella attached herself to Anna’s legs. “Hi!”

  Anna chuckled and ran her hand over Ella’s braided hair. “Hey Ella Bella. How was school?”

  “Boring.” She looked around Anna’s legs to Kym and Lane. “Are you guys staying for dinner?”

  Plopping down on the stairs, Kym reached forward to pull Ella between her legs, wrapping her arms around the girl. “Sure are.”

  Whispering in Kym’s ear in a voice that everyone could hear, Ella said, “Is Nurse Lane cooking? ’Cause Aunty Na cooked last night, and it was covered in black bits.”

  As soon as everyone sniggered, Anna threw her hands up in disgust and walked down the hallway to the kitchen, calling after Ella, “I was going to offer you an after school snack, Ella, but I might burn the banana.”

  Her niece’s confused voice floated down the hallway, “How can you burn a banana?”

  The group appeared in the kitchen doorway.

  Lane looked down at Ella. “Your aunty was being silly.”

  “Oh.”

  “And yeah, I was going to cook. What did you want?”

  Anna chose to ignore them all and start cutting fruit.

  “Pancakes.”

  Scooping Ella up and tickling her, Lane said, “You’re going to turn into a pancake soon!”

  “Am not!”

  When Kym sat down next to Sandra, Toby instantly squirmed from her lap and made a beeline for the basket in the corner filled with trains and cars. Content, he ran one over the floor, making crashing noises.

  “Are too! We can’t have pancakes. There has to be at least three different food groups.”

  Back still pulled into Lane, where she half hung with Lane’s arms around her waist, Ella pouted. “Um—sgetti!”

  “Spaghetti? Okay. Deal.”