All The Little Moments

by G. Benson

  If Lane was trying to sound relaxed and neutral, she was failing. Anna looked at her quizzically from the shower, rubbing shampoo into her hair. “What?”

  “I’m just, you know, wondering, for future reference. Does Hayley call a lot, or…” Lane was trying to appear calm, but Anna could see the mental freak-out occurring underneath.

  “That was Hayley?”

  “Mhm.”

  “Did you answer?”

  “Of course not.” Brown eyes avoided hers even while Lane smiled. “Though it did occur to me to answer with, ‘Sorry, Anna can’t talk right now, I’m about to take her against the shower wall after hours of sex last night.’”

  With a chuckle, Anna asked, “Can you come in here so we can at least have this naked conversation next to each other?”

  Lane shook her head. “Not yet.”

  Anna gauged her. She definitely wasn’t mad. “Wait…Lane, are you jealous?”

  Lane gave a shrug. “No, I just, you know, want to know if you guys chat all the time. Catch up.”

  The clear-cut jealousy all over Lane was almost funny. “I haven’t spoken to her in months.”

  “Really?”

  “Really.”

  Lane took a step forward. “So I shouldn’t worry about her trying to get you back?”

  It occurred to Anna, finally, that the messy ending Lane had had with Alex could be contributing to this reaction. Anna tried to control the look that flashed over her face, but, apparently, she was too late.

  “What was that?”

  Anna widened her eyes. “What?”

  “That look?”

  Anna sighed. “She’s not trying to get me back. She’s being an idiot. A well-meaning one, I think. But still being an idiot.” She dipped her head under the spray and rinsed the shampoo out.

  When she re-emerged, Lane was basically twitching. “Has she tried?”

  Anna held her hand out. “Would you come here so I can calm your inner panic?”

  Thankfully, Lane reached a hand out and stepped forward. The second that Lane was in the shower, Anna wrapped her arms around her. She kissed Lane’s neck once.

  “Are you breathing?”

  “Yes. Just…she tried?”

  Wet hair flew as Anna adamantly shook her head. “No, not to get me back. Though she did call me and leave a voicemail before the trial, when you and I were broken up.”

  “Okay! That was like three months ago! And you never told me?”

  Reminding herself that this was more about Lane’s stuff than about Hayley, Anna tried to quell the defensiveness that rose up. “I completely forgot. She basically offered me sex as a distraction.”

  Lane’s mouth dropped open. “She called you, my girlfriend, and offered sex, and you never told me?”

  Squeezing Lane tight, Anna looked straight at her. “Lane, I never replied. I ignored her and completely forgot about it. There were bigger things going on, and I forgot.” She brought her hands up and cupped Lane’s cheeks. “I’m sorry.”

  “I’m not…I’m not mad at you.” She paused as if trying to figure out what she was feeling. “Just…she propositioned you!”

  “To be fair—I don’t know if she knew I was seeing someone; because I haven’t talked to her.”

  The pout on Lane’s face made Anna purse her lips together to stop herself from smiling. “So why is she calling you?”

  “I don’t know. She texted me last night—”

  As Lane’s eyebrows shot up, Anna rushed to finish. “And I got it as I was dropping the kids off at Mum’s and then clear forgot about it because I was in a rush to get home and be with you for the first time since Toby threw up on your lap.”

  Clearly trying to relax, Lane pursed her lips. “So what did she want?”

  Anna grabbed some body wash and poured it on a loofah, running it over Lane’s chest and back. “She texted me to say she was sorry for the message during the trial. Since she hadn’t heard back from me, she figured she had made me angry. She said she wasn’t trying to offend me. She just felt like she had dropped me in all this when we broke up and she wanted to support me.”

  “With sex?”

  Anna shrugged. “I don’t know. Apparently.”

  Realisation dawned on Lane’s face. “Because she knows how you deal with emotions with sex. Because she was with you for three years and knows that.”

  “She doesn’t know me. Not anymore, not really. In fact, I wonder if we ever knew each other. We were so focussed on our careers.” Anna dropped the loofah to the floor and pulled Lane in. “You know me. You know me, not her. And when she left me a voicemail the first time giving such a bad offer, all I was thinking about was how I wanted Ella and Toby back and how much I missed you. I didn’t even entertain the idea.”

  Running wet hands over Lane’s side and over her shoulders to bury in her hair, Anna slipped her tongue into her mouth and felt Lane moan, then return the kiss with as much force.

  Eyes sparkling, Anna pulled back. “Lane, do you have a jealous side?”

  “I…no.”

  “Sure.”

  Lane’s hands dropped to Anna’s hips, pushing her back against the wall, pressing herself flush against her. Pulling her in tighter, Anna wrapped her arms around her waist. Wet thighs pressed together as the water streamed onto Lane’s back. Jealousy apparently made Lane want to make a point, and Anna was very okay with that, more than okay. She took hold of Lane’s hand and ran it down her stomach, looking at her with darkened eyes. “Only you see me naked now.”

  Anna closed her eyes and leant her head back against the shower wall, Lane’s lips on her neck.

  “Good.” Lane dragged her teeth against Anna’s skin, and Anna let out a low moan as Lane’s fingers ran between her legs.

  They emerged from the shower thirty minutes later, Anna slightly wobbly as they dressed quickly and Anna grabbed her phone, looking down at the missed call. She started tapping at the touch screen.

  Lane threw her a quizzical look as she towel-dried her hair, wearing just her underwear. “You look very serious.”

  One finger held up in the air told Lane not to interrupt, and she closed her mouth. Anna typed furiously at her phone, then finally scrolled back up to the top of the message.

  Anna read from the text: “Okay. ‘Sorry I missed your call, Hayley. I wasn’t mad, just very caught up in the trial. I understand you were trying to help, but propositions from my ex weren’t really very helpful in that situation. Also, I’m seeing someone and have been for the last few months, so, between the kids and her, I’m kept happily busy. I hope all’s well with you, take care.’”

  She looked up to Lane and her thumb moved. “Sent.”

  A slow smile spread over Lane’s lips, and she sauntered forward, pulling Anna into her arms. “Happily busy, huh?”

  A grin playing over her lips, Anna nodded emphatically. “Very.”

  Lane kissed her then, hands curling into Anna’s hair. She rested her forehead on Anna’s. “Sorry about the minor freak-out.”

  “You can be crazy sometimes.”

  With a light tap on Anna’s ass, Lane stepped away, slightly flushed.

  They finished getting dressed and parted ways in the driveway with a quick kiss, Lane headed for the hospital and Anna for her mother’s to get Toby and Ella. Anna drove with the radio off, enjoying her last few minutes of silence for the day.

  Her ex was not a bad person at all. But it did kind of make Anna amused to see Lane get jealous, if only because it was incredibly hot and gave her a warm feeling in her chest that Lane cared so much.

  Anna pulled up and got out of the car, smiling when she saw Ella pressed up against the window in the living room, hands to the glass. Toby, so much smaller, was kneeling next to her. They both waved. Toby got a tad too excited and smacked his open hand against the
glass, his head turning as, Anna assumed, he was told off by his grandmother.

  When the door opened, Sandra warned her, “Brace yourself.”

  Even as she frowned, Ella tore around the corner, Toby hot on her heels, and they both collided with her knees. The force of the two children almost knocked her backwards. “Hey, guys! Miss me?”

  Ella shook her head. “Not till just now, then I remembered I do!”

  “Well, good, ’cause that means you had fun with Grandma.”

  Tiny fingers were gripping the material of her pants and tugging as Toby tried to scale her leg. “Cake, Na! Gama cake.”

  Anna acquiesced to the unsubtle request Toby was making and picked him up. “You made cake with Grandma?!”

  “Cake.” His little face looked troubled and he held his foot out. “Owie foot.”

  “What happened?”

  All he did was point at it. “Owie.”

  “He had his first stubbed toe,” Sandra informed her.

  Anna grimaced and cupped his foot gently, giving it a soft squeeze. “Poor Toby. Did you get a Band-Aid?”

  “He did.” Gripping Anna’s hand, Ella puffed her chest out. “I put a Dora the Explorer one on his toe for him.”

  “You put it on! Ella, soon you can go to the hospital and work instead of me.”

  “No, don’t be silly, I have to go to school.”

  “Hm. True.” Anna slid Toby down to the floor. “Okay, you two go get your things. Ella, you help Toby, and we’ll go meet Kym.”

  “Zoo!”

  Ella ran off and Toby followed her. Ella, obviously remembering what had been asked of her, stopped and held her hand out for Toby to take; the two headed up the stairs. Toby held the rail with one hand and Ella’s hand with the other, taking the steps one at a time, while Anna and Sandra watched them go.

  Toby’s blanket was down to bedtime again now, not being dragged everywhere unless he was having a tantrum day. And the most uplifting thing was, he no longer panicked if Anna was a few metres away from him.

  Ella was bouncing in her excitement. “We’re going to the zoo, Tobes. What sound does a lion make?”

  “Rar!”

  Anna chortled and turned back to Sandra. “You guys had fun then?”

  Her mother nodded and started walking into the kitchen. Anna followed after closing the front door behind her.

  “We did. Ella ate more cake batter than went into it, and Toby smeared it on the bench, but we managed to make something out of it. You want some?”

  Anna shook her head. “No, thanks. We’re meeting Kym, and I need to stop by the shops first.”

  “Today the day?”

  “Yeah. One year since Simon died. I was going to get her a flower to give from us? Do you think that’s a good idea?”

  “It’s a really good idea.”

  “I was going to go with her, with the kids. I thought we could all put a flower down for Jake and Sally.”

  The glass her mother held out to Anna trembled slightly. “That’s a beautiful idea. I took Ella last month after school.”

  “It’s good for them, right?”

  “It is.”

  “Did you want to come?”

  “No, thank you. This is more for Kym. I was going to go next week, at the six-month date for Jake and Sally.”

  Lips pale, Sandra gave a nod and tried to smile.

  Anna put her glass down, pulling her mother into a hug. She ran her hands up and down her back, but Sandra pulled away fairly quickly and swiped at her cheeks. As the kids came back in, Anna squeezed her arm and let her hand fall.

  “Ready!”

  Distracting the kids while her mother took a moment, Anna said, “Great job, guys.”

  Just as she was about to tell them to cuddle Grandma and say goodbye and thank you, her father walked around the corner and into the kitchen.

  He stood awkwardly, looking at them all.

  Since the trial, after all he had said, he had been trying. He had come to the odd dinner with Sandra, and, when Anna picked up Ella after school, she’d often find them reading the paper together or in the garden. Occasionally, he picked up Toby, and he spoke to Anna now—basic conversations and pleasantries.

  Anna wasn’t sure whether to hope for more from him or not.

  He had finally met Lane at dinner the other night and had put his hand on Anna’s shoulder as he left, with just the words, “She seems nice.”

  Now, he smiled tightly at his grandchildren and looked to Anna. “Can I speak with you?”

  Anna hadn’t been alone with him since before Jake’s death.

  She looked to Ella and Toby. “You two smother Grandma in as many hugs and kisses as you can, and then we’ll go when I’m back, okay?”

  Ella moved quickly to Sandra, who had squatted down with her arms open; Toby barrelled in after his sister.

  Anna followed her father down the hallway, hating that feeling nervous with him was a habit stemming from long before Jake died.

  In his office, Andrew stopped beside his giant desk, standing straight with his arms by his sides. He looked at her for a minute, his head tilted slightly to the side, and, in the gesture, Anna saw how Jake would look at her when trying to make a point—how Ella and even Toby looked at people sometimes.

  A gesture she herself did.

  Anna met his eye and waited.

  He cleared his throat. “The kids are doing well.”

  “Yes—Toby is hitting a delightful point of tantrums.”

  Andrew managed a small smile. “He’s what, twenty months?”

  “Twenty-one now.”

  “Same age that you and Jake became nightmares.”

  Anna laughed. “That’s what Mum said.”

  “Especially Jake. He threw a good one.”

  “That’s where Toby got it from, then.”

  Her father looked sad, his expression softening; it was strange to see on him. He was so good at schooling himself into a hard outer coating that Anna sometimes forgot that, buried underneath, he must have feelings.

  Her mother was right; they were so very alike.

  Jake had gotten their mother’s softer side. He had been a bit more sensitive, open to emotions; he had always been a touch more like their mother, while Anna had taken after their father and his tendency to bury anything unpleasant.

  Lately, though, Anna had started to realise she had a lot more of both of them than she had originally thought.

  “He’s got a lot of Jake in him.” His voice didn’t waver, not once.

  Anna nodded. She wasn’t sure why she was in here.

  Her father opened a drawer on his desk and pulled something out, holding it in his fist. Walking around the desk, he stood in front of her, and, Anna noticed, he was nervous being near her. She knew she reminded him so much of Jake.

  He held his hand out, and she held her palm under his fist; it didn’t open. Instead, he cleared his throat again. “I…I wanted you, to have this. Jake and you, you were close; I know that.” He looked her in the eye. “I know you lost him, too. And I know I’ve been absent. But I wanted you to have this.”

  When he finally opened his fist, Anna felt something warm hit her hand, and she looked down as he dropped his hand back to his side. Sitting in her open palm, the metal warm from his skin, were Jake’s dog tags.

  Anna’s fingers curled around them.

  Jake might have stepped down to an administrative role because of his worry about leaving the kids and his wife. But the Air Force had still been his life. His friends, his sense of duty—those dog tags symbolised what made her brother her brother as much as those two kids in the kitchen did.

  The lump in her throat made it difficult to swallow. Anna looked up.

  Her father’s blue eyes were unchanged. He gave her a nod and she returned it.


  “Are you sure?”

  “You need something of his.”

  Smiling softly, Anna said, “I have Toby and Ella.”

  “You need something for you, too.”

  Anna managed to swallow, and Andrew gave another nod, walking around his desk and sitting down, opening up his laptop.

  She watched him for a minute, lifting the chain up to slip around her neck, the tags tinkling together as they fell to sit under her shirt, settling over her sternum.

  He was focussed on what was in front of him.

  “Bye, Dad.”

  He looked up. “Bye.”

  Anna went to walk out.

  “Oh, Anna?”

  She turned, hand on the door handle. “Yeah?”

  He kept his eyes on his laptop screen. “That woman’s a keeper.”

  Shaking her head in disbelief, Anna left. Her hand rested over her shirt, where she could feel the outline of the tags sitting. She hadn’t been expecting that.

  She found her mother sitting on the floor, leaning against the cupboard doors with Toby on her lap and Ella seated next to her. All three had giant pieces of cake in their hands. They all stopped mid bite and looked at her.

  Anna narrowed her eyes.

  Her mother leant over and whispered loudly in Ella’s ear, “We obviously didn’t eat fast enough. We were caught out.”

  Ella looked panicked. “Quick! Scoff!”

  They downed the last of their cake.

  Anna put her hands on her hips, looking at her mother, who looked back at her innocently as she licked frosting off her thumb. “So I get the sugar rush?”

  Sandra winked. “Exactly.”

  They got the already hyper kids into the car, and Anna hovered at the driver’s door, giving her mother an extra hug. “So, next week? We all go on Saturday?”

  “I’ll come by your place, and we’ll go with the kids?”

  “That sounds like a plan. Ella wants to take a painting to leave.”

  “They would love that.”

  “Would you mind if—”

  “If Lane didn’t come, I’d be horrified.”