First and Forever: Heartache Duet Book 2

by McLean, Jay

  He steps into the room and squats in front of me, his hand gentle on Ava’s back. “Have you slept, Ava?”

  She shakes her head, her face shielded in the crook of my neck.

  Dad looks toward Trevor. “Does her mom take any Xanax or anything? Maybe she should have a little? Just a small dose, to help…”

  Trevor nods. “I’ll grab it.”

  With the help of the sedatives, Ava falls asleep in my arms within minutes. In the living room, I can hear Dad and Trevor talking, and so I make sure her breaths are even, her features calm, before untangling myself from her embrace and joining them. Trevor looks up as soon as I open her door. His eyebrows raised, he asks, “How is she?”

  “She’s out.”

  Dad says, “She needs to sleep… for her own mental health.” Then he looks to Trevor. “And so do you, Trevor.”

  “I know,” he sighs out, gripping his phone as if it’s his lifeline. “I haven’t told Ava yet, but they moved her mom from the jail and admitted her into a psych ward. She kept smashing her head on the…” he trails off.

  “Jesus,” I mumble, running a hand down my face as I flop down on the couch next to Dad.

  Trevor heaves out a breath, low and slow. “My boss—he has a friend who’s a lawyer, I guess. He’s coming over soon to go through everything. I’m hoping they can settle something out of court. I don’t want Ava going through any of that. Not again.”

  I nod, though I don’t really understand what’s happening. “What can I do?”

  “You’re doing it,” he assures. “I just need you to take care of Ava so I can take care of everything else.”

  “And who takes care of you?” I ask.

  His eyes drift shut. “Peter’s on a flight home right now.”

  Chapter 35

  Connor

  For the next two days, Ava refuses to get out of bed. She refuses to eat. And she refuses to talk. Even to me. But that doesn’t mean I leave her side. Not for a second am I ever more than a few feet away. When she sleeps, I try to, too. But I can’t. I worry, and that worry turns to panic, turns to dread. Because what if…

  What if they can’t cut Miss D a deal?

  What happens to her?

  What happens to Ava?

  Trevor and Peter are in and out of the house, on and off the phone, and I feel useless. I feel like I should be doing more than having one-way conversations with a girl who can barely look at me. A girl who needs magic and can’t find it in the person who promised it to her.

  She sees me.

  I know she does.

  But she sees through me.

  And that’s almost worse than being ignored.

  I don’t go to school, and nobody asks why. They already know. People come by, mainly people I don’t know. Trevor closes the door to Ava’s bedroom whenever they’re here. He doesn’t want her hearing what they have to say, and she doesn’t seem to care about the secrets they’re keeping.

  Rhys and Karen show up, too, and they look at Ava, then they look at me, and the only thing we can see in each other is helplessness.

  On the third day, Amy—Trevor’s girlfriend—arrives. She seems to be the only one who can talk Ava into eating—not much—but it’s enough to settle the worry I’d been carrying around for days.

  I just wish it could’ve been me to get her to that point.

  Miss Turner comes over, and for the first time, Ava seems to come to.

  “Hey, sweetheart,” Miss Turner says, standing in the doorway of her bedroom. “I’ve been waiting for your call. I wasn’t sure if you’d want to see me.”

  “I do,” Ava whispers, nodding as her eyes fill with tears. It’s the most she’s given anyone, and I try to push aside the jealousy, but it’s there… bubbling beneath the surface.

  “Did you want to talk?” Miss Turner asks her.

  Ava nods again, her eyes shifting to me, before going back to Miss Turner.

  Miss Turner turns to me, a pitiful smile gracing her lips. “Can you give us a minute, Connor?”

  I drop my gaze. “Sure.”

  She rubs my arm. “Don’t take it personally.” It’s the same thing Rhys told me about Ava when we first met. It didn’t help me then, and it sure as hell doesn’t help me now.

  I look over at Ava. “I’m going to go home and grab a change of clothes. I’ll be right back, okay?”

  She lowers her gaze.

  And then I ask something I’ve been wondering for days but have been too afraid to ask, too fearful of her answer. “Do you want me to come back, Ava?”

  “Of course, she does,” Miss Turner answers for her. She sighs and whispers, her words only for me, “This isn’t about you, Connor. And you need to accept that.”

  Ava

  In my desk drawer lives a receipt.

  A receipt for room service.

  Signed by one Connor Ledger.

  The date on the receipt is the same as my birthday.

  In my mind,

  I make excuses for why he lied to me about where he was.

  In my heart,

  I blame myself for not being enough.

  The receipt is from a hotel in North Carolina.

  It’s just one night in Georgia,

  Connor said,

  It’s press for the All-American team.

  In my mind,

  I wonder how he could so easily lie to my face.

  But in my heart,

  I already know.

  Under my bed lives a plastic jar.

  A jar filled with fake fireflies.

  When the world is at its darkest,

  that’s when the magic appears,

  my mom says.

  So, in my mind,

  I wish for the magic to be true, to be real.

  But in my heart,

  I believe that magic is dead…

  Just like Connor’s love for me.

  Chapter 36

  Ava

  My living room is a constant whirlwind of people, some I barely know. If Mom were here, she’d hate it.

  I hate it.

  Connor lies in my bed, holding me to him as if he’s somehow comforting me, protecting me.

  I hate that, too.

  “Ava?” Trevor says, poking his head in the door.

  It takes everything in me to open my eyes.

  “The lawyer’s here. Leo Preston, too. They want to talk to you about your mom.”

  I settle my head on the pillow again, not wanting to talk to anyone.

  Next to me, Connor sits up, takes my hand in his. He looks down at me, eyebrows raised. An encouraging smile flickers across his lips. “You should go talk to them, babe. It might be good news.” His eyes hold the same amount of adoration and compassion from back when he loved me, and I wonder when it was precisely that he became so fucking good at faking it.

  I get out of bed and out of my head, then join my brother in the living room. Amy and Peter are here, too. They stand by the doorway of the kitchen, out of the way, but still in sight.

  Again, Connor sits next to me, holding my hand.

  “Hi, Ava,” a middle-aged man says. His eyes are soft, kind, and I only slightly remember him as the lawyer Tom Preston sent our way. “I’m Nathan Andrews. We met earlier, but I’m sure you—”

  “I remember,” I murmur and look at Leo Preston. He’s out of his police uniform, and he looks so much younger, more approachable. “Hi,” I say to him.

  Leo smiles.

  Connor squeezes my hand. “So do you have news about Miss D?” he asks, and I can hear the genuine concern in his voice. Regardless of what’s happening to us or what we aren’t, I know he cares about my mother in ways only a few people do.

  And that has to mean something.

  I hold his arm to my chest, allowing myself this one tiny moment with him.

  “I managed to get the judge outside of the courtroom,” Nathan tells us. “All charges have been dropped, and your mom can come home today.”

  My breath falters. “Really?�
��

  “Really.”

  “How did you…?”

  Nathan shakes his head, his eyes shifting. “Unfortunately, in a town like this, it’s about who you know. And, luckily for you, your brother’s made some good contacts over the past few years.”

  I glance at my brother, but he’s averting his gaze, and then I look over at Peter, notice him watching me, his eyes locked on the way I’m holding on to Connor. It’s not hard to figure out what’s going on here, and I want to be mad. I want to yell at Trevor for bringing Peter into this, but I can’t… because my mom is coming home.

  “Thank you, Peter,” I choke out, my withheld sob making it impossible to breathe. I focus on Nathan and Leo again. “All of you. Thank you.”

  Nathan nods, a sad smile tugging on his lips. “But, Ava, the judge has concerns, and honestly, after looking at your mom’s history, so do I.”

  I ask, fear quickening my pulse, “What does that mean?”

  “The state of the mental health care system in this town—”

  “I know,” I cut in, looking down.

  “You know what? What does that mean for…” Connor trails off.

  It means she needs more help than we can provide...

  “She knows what it means,” says Peter.

  I can take care of you, Ava.

  “I wasn’t asking you,” Connor grinds out.

  But it’s our little secret.

  Trevor sighs. “So when can she come home?”

  “I’m about to start my shift,” says Leo. “I’ll pick her up and bring her right back.”

  In the time Leo’s gone to pick up my mom, I ignore everyone around me and get to work. I print out new pictures, so many of them, and stick them all on her walls. I clean the living room, the kitchen—making sure to put away any glasses or sharp objects that have been carelessly left out. I check her meds, get them all ready for her. For the first time in days, I shower. I tidy my room, do some laundry, including the jacket I desperately ripped off Connor the second he came back from “Georgia.” I needed magic at that moment. I didn’t need the receipt that fell from the jacket pocket and all the lies and insecurities that came with it.

  Connor follows me around, his words low when he tries to talk to me. It’s hard having him here, but telling him to leave and giving him the reasons why I don’t want him here would be so much harder. Besides, I don’t know what state my mother will be in when she gets home, and as much as I hate to admit it, he helps her in ways only the two of them understand.

  When I’m done, I sit in the living room and stare out the window.

  Waiting.

  It’s as if I’m fifteen again, and my world is nothing but heartache and hope.

  It feels like hours before the squad car pulls into the driveway. Connor’s instantly on his feet, taking me with him. He must’ve been looking out the window, too.

  Waiting.

  He opens the door for me, and I release his hand, take Trevor’s instead. We stand side by side on the porch, watching as Leo opens the back door, his touch gentle as he helps my mother out of the back seat. I bounce on my toes, nerves and anticipation flowing through my veins. I can’t hold back when she begins to approach, her head down. I run to her, just like all the times she returned from war. I call for her, my tears making it impossible to see. “Mama!” She feels like home, like her embrace is made of magic… the type of magic that destroys all childhood fears and replaces them with faith and security and love. I weep on her shoulder, holding her tight, never wanting to let go.

  I feel Trevor’s presence before I see him. “Trevor,” Mom whispers.

  “Don’t you dare do that again,” he tells her, his voice gruff.

  Mom releases me, her hand going to her side as she glares at my brother.

  Trevor adds, “Don’t go fighting my battles for me. Especially when it comes to my race and other people’s ignorance.”

  Mom lifts her chin, her eyes on his as she squares her shoulders. “You are my son, Trevor. I would start a fucking war for you.”

  For the first time ever, I watch my brother break. Shatter. Witness my mother’s strength as she holds him through his cries, through his destruction. And it’s only now I realize the real effects of my choices. I thought I needed time. If I could just wait, then everything would fall into place. But every second of waiting, our heartache only increases, ruining the people who matter the most to me.

  I look over at Connor standing on the porch, watch his chest rising and falling with every one of his breaths.

  And then I look at Peter standing beside him.

  I can take care of you, Ava…

  My eyes drift shut.

  Vincit qui se vincit: He conquers who conquers himself.

  I flick Mom’s ring around my thumb.

  I am the conqueror.

  I am.

  I am.

  Chapter 37

  Ava

  “Too many people,” Mom murmurs.

  “I know, Mama,” I reply, leading her from her bedroom to the living room. “But they’re here for Trevor. They worry about him, and he needs the support.” God, does he need it.

  When she came home earlier today, she bypassed greeting Connor, Peter, and Amy, and went straight to her room. The only thing she wanted to do was sleep, though I don’t think she actually did. She just wanted to be alone, and I feel that.

  I want the same.

  Now, the day has turned to night, and everyone is still here, plus Leo and Tom Preston. Leo’s finished his shift and is here to check on her. Tom is here to check on Trevor. I’ve never known this amount of kindness from strangers, and I wish I could portray that to Mom in a way that won’t upset her.

  “Hey, Miss D,” Connor greets, kissing the scars that mar her beauty. He offers her a smile, gentle and warm, and I wish it meant something to me, but it doesn’t.

  Everyone else joins us in the living room while Mom adjusts the hood of her robe to hide her face. Even around Peter and Amy, she gets like this, but around strangers, I fear her reaction.

  “How are you feeling, ma’am?” Leo asks her, standing opposite us.

  Mom settles on the couch between Connor and me. “Much better,” my mom answers, her tone flat. “Sleep—” Glass breaks behind me, and Mom screams. So do I. Another round, and then many more. Shot after shot after goddamn shot flies through the window, shards of glass soaring past me and on me, and then I’m blanketed in warmth, thrown on the floor. Mom doesn’t stop screaming, and around me, it’s chaos. Feet stomp across the carpet, doors open, and curses fly through the air. Heated breaths land on my neck, and then, after what feels like an eternity, silence descends. Darkness fills my heart, my mind, and my heart is racing, sinking.

  “What the hell was that?” Amy shouts, and I finally open my eyes. She’s on the floor, too, shielded by Trevor’s entire body.

  He says, picking something up off the floor. “BB gun pellets.”

  Next to me, Mom sits with her knees raised, her arms covering her head. Connor’s behind her, his back to the window, protecting her. Confused, I look down at the arms pinning mine to my chest. “Are you okay?” Peter asks, his mouth to my cheek.

  I watch Leo walk back into the house, his phone to his ear.

  “Ava, are you okay?” Peter repeats, shifting until he’s in front of me, his concerned eyes locking on mine.

  I glance back at Mom, her sobs silent as she looks up at Connor. “Get out!” Her fist slams against his chest, over and over, and I shove Peter out of the way to get to her. “Get out! Get out! Get out!” she yells.

  Connor grasps her upper arms, holding them steady, and I should warn him… should tell him that it’s a trigger. “Miss D. It’s me.” He tracks her eyes with his. “Look at me!”

  She drops her head, her cries wracking her entire body.

  “It’s Connor. Remember me?” He peeks over at me before focusing on her again. “Connor, six-five, but is hoping—”

  Mom grunts, using al
l her strength to free her good arm. In my mind, it plays out in slow motion, in reality… it can’t be more than a second. She reaches for a broken shard of glass, pools of blood forming around her knuckles when she holds it tight in her grasp.

  “Mama, no!”

  Connor’s quick to switch on, and he grasps her arm again, shaking her entire body until he’s practically lifting her off the floor. “The fireflies,” he cries, his desperation making his words weak. “The fireflies are back, Miss D.” He keeps shaking her arm to try to get her to release the glass, and the blood… there’s so much blood. “They’re back, and they’re right outside your window! We can go out there now! We can go anywhere you want!”

  Mom’s movements slow, as if his words get through to her. She lowers her hand, finally releasing the shard, and Connor holds her to him, his shoulders bouncing. “I don’t want to be here,” she whispers, grasping on to his shirt.

  I don’t want to be here, either, I don’t say.

  Connor kisses the top of her head like he’s done with me so many times before. “But I need you here, Miss D.” He takes a breath. “I need you here.”

  Chapter 38

  Connor

  The windows of Ava’s house are boarded up now. I can’t see into their house, nor am I invited to step foot in it.

  Ava stays home.

  Dad forces me to go to school and act as if nothing has happened.

  According to Ava, her mom doesn’t want to be around anyone.

  Not even Krystal.