Savage Love

by Jodi Woody

  “You know, she was right. It is time that we take off. We should get packed up tonight Seanna and get an early start in the morning,” said Samantha. “If you’ll excuse us.”

  Seanna looked at Bryce with a sad smile and got up and followed her mother upstairs. Bryce looked at Daffyd as if he expected him to call them back or do something.

  “What?” asked Daffyd.

  “Nothing,” said Bryce shaking his head as he too got up and left the table.

  “All good things must come to an end,” whispered Daffyd.

  “Why are you in such a big hurry to leave, Mom?” asked Seanna as Samantha was packing her suitcase.

  “Seanna we’ve been here long enough. We never intended to stay in one place so long and the only reason we stayed is to allow Trisha and Leal to take a break. They are home now and there is no reason to stay.”

  “Yeah, but they just got home today. I doubt that Trisha was trying to tell us it was time to move on. I think she was just disappointed in Daffyd’s attitude about church,” said Seanna.

  “Honestly, so am I. That’s one of the reasons that I am ready to leave. I guess I had hoped that our being here might change his attitude, but obviously it hasn’t. He just went to Church as some kind of a show, or a game. He isn’t going to change. He could have said something when I said it was time to go, but he just sat there,” she sounded hurt.

  “What are you so worked up about?” asked her daughter.

  “He just makes me so mad. Look Seanna, the summer is halfway over. We both have things to do before you have to leave this fall, so I say let’s be thankful for the time we have had here and get on our way. I hate long goodbyes, and I think it would just be uncomfortable for us to stay any longer.”

  “Ok, I still think you are overreacting, and you never know what may come of our being here. I think that good seeds have been planted,” said Seanna.

  “I sure hope they bear some fruit, but in the meantime, we all need to get back to our own lives,” said her mom.

  “Then I better get packing. What time do you want to leave in the morning?” ask Seanna.

  “How about right after breakfast? We can load up the car before we eat, say our goodbyes and then get back on the road.”

  That night Daffyd stayed in his room. He sent a check for Seanna and Samantha down with Bryce and asked him to thank them for their help. Trisha woke up from her nap back to her old chipper self and apologized to the girls for her grumpiness. She didn’t try to talk them into staying. Bryce and Seanna both looked sad, but they exchanged email, phone numbers and made promises to keep in touch. Dinner was a subdued affair. Samantha helped Trisha clean up and answered a few questions about the time that they were gone. The two young people spent their last night in the pool and talking until the wee hours on the patio under the stars. Samantha went to bed early after letting Trisha know that she would be leaving after breakfast.

  The next morning they loaded up the car and sat down to a big breakfast of buckwheat pancakes, sausage and eggs. Daffyd again did not join them for the meal. They finished eating and lingered over the table for a bit, nobody really knowing what to say. Trisha said she would clear up and the girls finally said they better get going. The other three walked them out to the car. They were just getting in when Daffyd showed up looking tired and pale.

  “Were you going to leave without saying goodbye?” he asked.

  Seanna got out of the car first and went around to give Daffyd a hug. Samantha followed close behind. Samantha put out her hand, and Daffyd pulled her in for a hug as well. He held on to her just a bit longer than he had Seanna, and just before pulling away he leaned down and gave her a soft warm kiss on the forehead.

  “I am sorry,” he whispered.

  Samantha looked up and smiled.

  “Thanks,” she said.

  She reached into her shorts pocket and pulled out a folded up piece of paper and handed it to him.

  “I was going to leave this for you, but I chickened out…”

  “I have one for you too…” he said pulling an envelope out of his robe pocket laughing.

  “Ok, then. We better get going,” said Samantha as she gave all the others one last hug.

  Soon they were off and Daffyd was back in his room reading the note from Samantha.

  Dear Daffyd,

  I am writing this note knowing that I am leaving and will probably never see you again, but I wanted you to know that I think you are a wonderful, if stubborn, person. I think that you have a big heart and that you are a generous and loving man. I am pretty sure that you are somehow behind my daughter’s big scholarship and I appreciate it so much. Just a few weeks ago I would have been offended and refused to accept this most generous gift. Thankfully I have had some time to do some soul searching and our talks together have helped me to swallow my pride and to be able to be grateful for the blessings however they may come. I will continue to pray for you, body and spirit, and only wish you the best. I have come to care for you and the rest of your household in a way that I haven’t felt for years. I know now that I have held myself apart from others and have not allowed any close relationships with anyone other than Seanna in my life. You were all so kind and open with us that I never even realized what was taking place until suddenly it felt like we had all known each other for years. I will always remember your hideaway in the mountains and the time that we were there. Thank you for everything and please don’t give up on God, Daffyd. Allow him to speak into your heart.

  Your Friend,

  Samantha

  Daffyd read the letter and read it again, looking for something that wasn’t there. He finally went to sleep with a lump in his throat and a heavy heart.

  Samantha had tucked Daffyd’s letter into her purse, not wanting to read it until they stopped for the night. Seanna was taking the first driving shift and Samantha was watching the scenery and thinking about what she would be coming home to. They had decided not to dawdle too much and to make the rest of the trip pretty quickly. After living in a modern mansion the past few weeks everything else sort of lost its excitement. Seanna was obviously sad about leaving Bryce and was saying little and concentrating on her driving.

  They stopped for the night at about nine and got settled into their motel. Seanna plopped into bed and went right to sleep. Samantha took the opportunity to retrieve Daffyd’s letter out of her purse. Her heart was beating a fast rhythm and her palms were sweaty when she opened up the envelope. There in a long flowing hand Daffyd had said the things that he had been too afraid to say to Samantha in person.

  Samantha,

  Let me start off by saying that I am sorry for the way I behaved yesterday. I still have some anger issues with God. I am trying to work through those, and I shouldn’t have let Trisha’s question set me off. I want you to know that I have never met a woman like you before. You really threw me for a loop. I did not and do not know how to handle someone like you. For the first time in years I wanted to be a better person, to feel like my life meant something. You accepted me for who I am, even though you disagreed with so much of my mindsets and my lifestyle. Other than a small amount of people, and you know most of them, I haven’t been treated like a human being for years. When I first saw your car, I told Leal not to stop no matter what. But as soon as I saw the two of you on the road, I was compelled to stop! I can’t really explain it, I am sure you would say it was God, and you may be right, because it was one of the smartest things I had ever done. Having the two of you here has changed my life so much. I took a good look at who I was and who I wanted to be and decided I wanted to be someone that you would be proud of. I am going to miss you terribly. I don’t think I can be so open with anyone else. You truly are a ‘good listener’ as your name says. Please consider keeping in touch, and allowing me to pour out my heart to you as I was able to while you were here. Continue to let me ask you hard questions and to let me be stupid and stubborn and not hold it against me. I am giving you my personal number and
would like you to call anytime and frequently. I can’t possibly explain to you how I am feeling now that you are leaving, not understanding it myself. I could not come down last night because I was on the verge of tears and didn’t want to embarrass myself. But I can say that I care for you deeply and will miss having you here. If this is all just too much and too weird for you, then forgive me and write it off as the ramblings of a sick man. But if you can find it in your heart to stay in touch, call me to let me know you made it safely home. I will do as you suggested and try and find my way back.

  Daffyd

  Samantha finished the letter with tears streaming down her face. She did not want to admit that she had any feelings other than concern and ‘brotherly love’ for Daffyd. But her heart welled up with emotions that she had never experienced before. She blew her nose, wiped her eyes, grabbed her phone and went into the bathroom. She added Daffyd’s number to her contacts, put him on speed dial, right after Seanna, and called before she could chicken out.

  “Hello,” said a sleepy voice on the other end.

  “Daffyd?”

  “Samantha…is that you?” he asked suddenly fully awake.

  “Yes…I just read your letter Daffyd and I have to tell you that it touched my heart,” she started crying again.

  “Are you crying, Samantha?” he asked.

  “I am sorry, Daffyd…this is all such a shock to me. I am not sure what I am feeling, but I know that I am happy and sad all at the same time…what do we do now?”

  “Are you saying that you feel the same way that I do?” he sounded confused.

  “I guess I’m saying that I care for you too, and that we live so far away from each other and have separate lives and that I’m supposed to be a grieving widow and I feel like I am dishonoring Richard somehow,” she rambled.

  “Samantha wait,” he interrupted, “let’s just agree that we care for each other.”

  “Ok,” she answered quietly.

  “And we can agree that though we live separate lives, and we live so far away, we can call each other, daily, and stay in contact and just see where it all goes from there. I would love to have you turn around and come right back, but you need to go home and back to your real life and see if you still feel the same way. I don’t want to find out that what you really feel is pity for my messed up life, or feel like you need to fix me. Does that make sense?” he asked.

  “Yes…I feel like an emotional basket case, but I think I understand what you are saying. Even though I feel like I have known you forever, we probably should take some time getting to know each other better. But honestly, Daffyd, I feel like with your being sick that maybe we don’t have a lot of that…time I mean,” she said.

  “Where is my woman of faith? I thought you were praying for me to be fully recovered!” he joked.

  “Oh, Daffyd, you know I am. Please, this is hard enough as it is for me…”

  “Samantha, now that I have something to look forward to, I am determined to beat this thing. You just keep praying for me and promise to always be completely honest, even if that means telling me that this just won’t work. Ok?” he asked.

  “Only if you promise to do the same, I am so much older than you Daffyd and if that wasn’t enough on its own there are all the other obstacles,” she said.

  “I am happy right now to just be happy. Can that be enough for you?” he asked.

  “Yes,” she laughed, “It can.”

  “Ok, I am going to let you get some sleep. I am exhausted. I didn’t sleep a wink last night, debating with myself about writing you that letter and I have been laying here feeling sorry for myself since I read yours, thinking that the feelings were totally one sided.”

  “I guess they never were, but I couldn’t admit to myself how I felt. I am so used to keeping my feelings to myself, or just not allowing myself to feel at all, that it took my reading your letter to see it,” she explained. “But go to sleep, Daffyd, and know that I do care for you and that God will work this all out. You’ll see.”

  “Good night, Samantha.”

  “Good night, Daffyd. Sweet sleep.”

  Chapter 18

  And Life Goes On

  Seanna had gone off to college and Samantha had returned to her teaching job. It had been several months since their vacation in Montana. Daffyd and Samantha had managed to talk at least once a day on the phone, and occasionally sent cards and letters by mail. Daffyd had sent a few gifts to Seanna at college and as well as Samantha. They had gotten into a routine and life went on. At first Samantha and Daffyd wanted to keep their feelings a secret, but due to the fact that Bryce and Seanna talked or texted almost as much as the older two, it didn’t take long for them to figure it all out. Both were pleased with the way things were going. Seanna had never seen her mother so happy, and Daffyd was doing better and better. He had begun going to church whenever he was well enough, and that was more often than not. Though he hadn’t made a personal confession, he was asking the right questions. Bryce was sure that it wouldn’t be long before he made a real commitment.

  One cold Saturday morning in October, Samantha got a phone call from the people who had purchased Richard’s store. They had been doing some remodeling and had found a box of Richard’s belongings. That afternoon they dropped the box off and visited a few minutes explaining their plans for the store. Samantha was truly happy that things were working out for them there and that they were even making enough profit to update things. As soon as they left, she made herself a cup of hot cocoa and took the box into the dining room. She wondered what they could have missed when they had packed up everything.

  Inside the box were some old photos of her and Seanna, a few drawings that her daughter had colored for her Daddy and what looked like an old leather book. Samantha looked over the photos and pictures with fond memories of Seanna as a little girl. She was feeling warm and cozy with her hot cup and old memories until she opened the book. It was a journal, and it had Richard’s familiar chicken scratch covering every page. Samantha put down the book and paced the kitchen praying, before she had the courage to open it up and begin to read.

  The first few pages were from when Richard had first come to Wisconsin. He talked about wanting to change his life, missing his family. Samantha read on about his struggle with overcoming his homosexual tendencies and his sadness over the breakup with his former ‘partner’. At this point she felt so angry that she tossed the book on the table and started cleaning house like a mad women. After exhausting herself, she took a long hot shower and changed into her pajama’s planning on going to bed early. But lying in bed with her thoughts going every which way, she went back to get the book.

  As she was going back to her room, her phone rang. Knowing it was probably Daffyd, she just couldn’t answer. She couldn’t pretend all was well, and she just didn’t want to talk about what she was feeling right now. It was the first time that she knowingly missed a call. Samantha read on…her emotions going from pity at his plight, to anger at what she felt as his betrayal. When he described his salvation, she cried again at how he explained this wonderful experience. Several pages after this were filled with hope and wonder. Not much had been written after that just a few updates, with the dates getting farther apart, until the entry on the first day that Samantha had brought little Seanna into the store.

  Today a young woman came into the store with the prettiest little girl I have ever seen. The mother looked sad and was very withdrawn. The little one smiled at me and I think my heart melted. I was afraid of scaring them off, so I didn’t say too much. I hope they come back. I would love to have a little girl like that someday, God willing.

  Then a few days later-

  That pretty little mother came in today with the angel of a daughter. I think the girl must be about one or two. The mom can’t be more than eighteen or nineteen. She was looking for some notebooks and had to ask me for help. After helping her locate them, I just casually asked if she was a student at the college. She opened up a
little and even allowed me to give the little one a tootsie roll. I find myself praying for her now…she seems to be like a lost little sheep, the mother not the baby.

  Samantha had to stop reading again and sobbed into her hands. She was seeing the Richard that she first met, so kind and caring. Using up her whole box of tissue, she ended up bringing back a roll of toilet paper in anticipation of more tears to come, and she continued reading. He was elated the day she told him their names, mentioned that they came in more often. He described Seanna’s clothes and the shape of her face, the color of her eyes. Several pages were filled with conversations that they had, the day she explained her situation was followed by a prayer written out for her and Seanna. Just when she thought she couldn’t read another page she came to a place that had her glued to the page.

  Praise God, I think I am in love, and with a woman! She is beautiful and smart, she has been hurt and needs someone to take care of her. Do I dare to think that she could be interested in me? I am practically old enough to be her father…and I would have to tell her about my past. I am asking her to go on a date with me, and then…we’ll see.

  Another entry on the night before their wedding-

  I have decided not to tell Samantha, I just can’t take the chance of losing the two of them! How could I ever go back to my life the way it was before they walked into my store? I never thought that I would be so happy, or so in love. I want to love and protect them and make their lives sweet. Samantha has trouble trusting others and I still am not sure that she loves me the same way I love her, but I am willing to take whatever she can give. I will do my best to care for her and keep her from ever getting hurt again, even if that means keeping my past a secret. God forgive me.

  The last entry was several months after they were married-

  I know I am not the man that Samantha wants me to be. Despite my strong love for her I am not able to carry that over to sexual intimacy. What a letdown this must be for her…she hasn’t complained, but I can see that she is hurt by my excuses. I can’t exactly say ‘I’m just not attracted to you’, that wouldn’t be true anyway. I do find her attractive, but somewhere between here and there my past flashes back and I am sickened by it all. I have almost confessed to her, but losing her would kill me. I think that I have made a big mistake. I have been so selfish! I have allowed this young woman to marry me based on the promise of intimacy and honesty and I am living a lie. How will I ever make it up to her? How will I keep her when she wants a real man?