Finding Forever (Living Again #4)

by L. L. Collins

  He hadn’t been sure, when he had seen her again, that she was going to let him in. The look he had seen in her eyes when they had been at the deli last week he had seen again at the shoot yesterday. It was doubt. And he knew she was scared, for many good reasons. He wished he could smack her dad for what he had done to that little girl. She had been twelve years old, and he had basically deserted her and her sister. So he had been there financially; he had never been there emotionally for them. She had told him that even the day he had met her, she had called her dad and he didn’t answer. He didn’t even wish his own daughter a happy birthday. How could he expect her to understand relationships if her own father hadn’t shown her what it was like to be loved? He could definitely understand issues with fathers, but at least he had his mother when he was a kid to be there for him emotionally.

  Talking to Sam had helped him understand her more, also. She was a great friend to her, and he was glad that she had always been a part of Lacey’s life. Sam and Lacey’s sister Aubrey had really been the only ones that had kept Lacey sane the last fourteen years.

  He thought of his own dad, lying in the hospital bed recovering from two life threatening ailments. He wished things could be different with them, and it wasn’t for lack of Brant trying over the years. But unless he decided that he was going to take over the ranch and do what his father wanted, he would never be a day to day part of his life. But he was going to show his father that despite his refusal to accept him, he was there for him and wanted to see him get better.

  Sighing, he stood, dumping the cold coffee and partial bagel. Time to get to the hospital and see his family. At least Heather and Brooke would be there. Without them, being around his parents was virtually impossible.

  “Come on, Max, let’s go outside,” he called. Max stood up slowly, making his way for the back door. He looked back at Brant, then towards the front door, then back at Brant. “You’re looking for her, aren’t you? She’s not here. Maybe I can convince her to come back later, you dirty dog you.” Max just walked out the back door to do his business, leaving Brant wondering just what was happening to both his and Max’s hearts.

  Brant stepped off the elevator, mentally steeling himself for spending the next few hours in this hospital. He had texted Lacey right before he walked in, hoping that she would still want to see him today. He needed something to look forward to.

  “Brant,” he heard. He turned to see his sisters sitting in the waiting room, where it seemed all of them had spent the last week. They at least were wearing different clothes and looked like they might’ve slept more than just in chairs.

  “Any change?”

  “Mom’s in with him now, with the doctor. I guess he’s awake. They’re worried about fluid in his lungs or something.”

  Brant hadn’t seen his dad once while he was awake, because he hadn’t been coherent that often and two his mom usually was the one in there if he was. It wasn’t like he wanted to see Brant, anyway.

  His mom appeared in the hallway behind him, looking exhausted. They had all tried to get her to go home and sleep, but in true Jane Tucker fashion, there was no taking care of herself when her husband needed her.

  “Brant, I’m glad you’re here. Your dad is asking for you.”

  She couldn’t have shocked him more if she had said that the President of the United States wanted to talk to him. “What? Is he lucid?”

  “Brantley Tucker,” she scolded. “Your dad loves you. He’s seen enough of me, and he’s talked to the girls. He hasn’t seen you while he’s awake, and he wants to talk to you.”

  A pit of dread settled in his stomach. Why in the hell did he want to talk to him? He should’ve stayed in bed today. Or better yet, he should’ve gone and picked up Lacey and done something fun instead. Anything but being here. But he would be the dutiful son, like always, and go in and see what his dad had to say.

  The walk down the hallway to his ICU room didn’t take long enough for Brant to be ready. The automatic door swished open, and he saw his dad’s eyes looking directly through him. No one else was around. Lucky him.

  “Dad, it’s so great to see you awake,” Brant bullshitted. “How are you feeling?”

  The tubes, bandages, and IV’s didn’t make him any less intimidating. In fact, it might’ve made him more so.

  “I almost died, son. So I guess I feel like death,” he bit out, his voice low and raspy because of the tubes that had been down his throat to save his life. Well, there it was. Near death hadn’t changed his wonderful personality.

  “But you didn’t! You’re going to be okay.” Please make this be over soon. “Mom said you wanted to talk to me?”

  “Well, I hadn’t seen you since I woke up, but then I found out why. Heather said you had a model shoot yesterday. As always, your little hobby was more important than your family.”

  He had no idea how his dad’s words could still cut him like a knife, but he didn’t think he could’ve felt more pain if he actually would’ve stabbed him. Don’t engage him, he reminded himself.

  “I did have a shoot, Dad. I also have a dog that was almost killed this week, so I had to take care of him. I’ve been here every day since your accident and surgery. Just because you can’t remember it doesn’t mean I wasn’t here.”

  “Oh, right. The dog. I forgot what a bleeding heart you have for those four legged animals. I heard that you have taken a certain liking to the vet that took care of him, too.” Damn Heather and her big mouth. Didn’t she realize all she was doing was giving their dad more ammunition to use against him?

  “Lacey was one of Max’s vets, yes,” Brant answered, trying hard to keep his voice even. Was it against the law to want to kill your dad while he was in ICU? “But we’re just getting to know each other right now.”

  His dad was quiet for a moment, and Brant hoped that he would fall asleep and give him a reprieve. “Let me tell you something, son,” he said finally. “This girl, Lacey you said, that’s a vet? Do you really think that you have what it takes to provide for someone like her? She’s a professional, Brantley. A doctor. Do you think it’s her life goal to marry a model?”

  Brant sucked in a breath, the pain so unbearable he thought he might pass out. Did they have doctor care for wounds inflicted by the very parents supposed to love you unconditionally?

  “I mean, come on, Brantley. This modeling thing is only going to last so long. Then what are you going to do? You’re wasting your life. So what, some stupid magazines print your pictures and give you some title. How does that make you a man? You have a Master’s in Business Administration, and this is what you’re doing. No woman is going to see that as a redeeming career, especially not one that is a doctor.

  Look at me. If you were working with me, as you should be, you could be taking over right now instead of Jack. As it is, I’m worrying myself sick over what’s going to happen to the ranch while I’m recuperating. I’m the one responsible for the financial future of this family, because you don’t think it’s glorious enough to take over your family business. This is your fault, Brantley Robert. If you weren’t so selfish, you’d be there to help your family during this time.”

  Brant clenched his fists together, wishing he could choke the life out of his father. His whole body shook with the effort it was taking him to not start throwing shit around the hospital room, telling his dad exactly what he had wanted to say for over nine years. Instead, he turned and walked out the doors, to the end of the hallway where the stairs were so he wouldn’t have to see his mom and sisters, and out the door to his truck.

  He wanted to punch something. Badly. But instead, he gritted his teeth, turned the radio up loud, and peeled out of the hospital parking lot. Who exactly did he think he was? Who talked to their own kid like that? Answer: Robert Tucker did. He was so blind he didn’t see what he had been doing for years. What in the world would make Brant want to go work with his dad after the way he had treated him, the things he had said to him?

  Stopping the
truck a few miles away in a deserted parking lot, Brant gripped the steering wheel. He wanted to lose control for just a few seconds. Scream, cry or hit something. Maybe it would make him feel better, just for a moment. Tears filled his eyes, the anger so strong it had to come out somewhere.

  His phone began ringing, and he swore that if it was anyone in his family, he was going to throw his phone out the window and run it over. But when he saw Lacey’s name on the screen, the anger left him like air in a deflated balloon.

  Brant breathed in and out, trying to calm the rage that had wanted to escape. “Hello?”

  “Brant,” Lacey’s sultry voice made him close his eyes. She was the object of his every dream. He felt his body relax. “Are you okay?”

  He could lie. It would be easy enough; he had been doing it most of his life. But after how brave she had been to tell him so much about her last night, he just wanted to let it out. “Lacey… no. I’m not okay. Not at all.”

  “Is it your dad? Max? Where are you?” An edge of panic came into her voice and he actually smiled. How was it that she could show so much compassion, yet not think she was capable of feeling anything?

  “No, they’re both fine,” he answered. Well, fine was a relative term for what his father was. “I’m in a parking lot, trying to compose myself at the moment.”

  “Meet me at the river in thirty minutes,” she said. “I’ll bring lunch. Okay?”

  Brant looked out the window, watching the cars fly by, not a care in the world. He found himself wondering if any of them hated their father right now, or if they had parents that actually believed in their children. This girl, she had no idea what she had just done for him. He wasn’t angry anymore. He just wanted to see her with every fiber of his being.

  “Brant?”

  “Thank you,” he barely whispered, the emotion brimming so close to spilling over he could hardly contain it.

  “Thirty minutes,” she answered. “It’s going to be okay, Brant. I’m here.”

  Her clear blue eyes watched him intently as he repeated every word that his father had said to him at the hospital this morning. She never interrupted, though he could sense the anger in her by the rigidness of her body and the tightness with which she gripped his hand as he talked.

  Once she had arrived and found him sitting by the water, never in his life had he wanted to bury himself in someone and cry all the tears he had held over his twenty-seven years. But he didn’t. He settled for hugging her tightly, breathing in the scent of her hair and feeling her heart beat against his before she had pulled back and asked him what happened. He had no idea how long he had been talking, but it all just spilled out of him. The only other person that knew how his father treated him was Evan, and it felt good to tell her.

  “I left. I couldn’t listen to him anymore, Lacey. I can’t do it. He’s my father and I love him, but I can’t stand around and let him abuse me every time he opens his mouth. I’d never be a parent like that…”

  “You shouldn’t listen to it,” she agreed. “That’s terrible. My dad has his faults, for sure. He checked out of our lives. But I never doubt that he loves me, or that he’s proud of me; he’s just broken inside. He’s never said anything mean to me, and that’s how it should be. You don’t deserve this treatment. Yes, he’s your dad. But you’re an adult with dreams and aspirations that you’ve made happen. You aren’t required to put yourself through this anymore.”

  He knew that. He did. But to walk away from his family meant to him that he was exactly what his dad said. A coward. A little boy unworthy of being called a man.

  “Brant, look at me,” Lacey said softly, her hand pulling his chin towards her face. He turned his face to look into hers, looking at her soft, feminine features. She was a calming force for him. The urge to kiss those pillow soft lips again almost took over, but he knew this wasn’t the time. He didn’t want her to think he was using her to forget.

  “You don’t deserve that kind of treatment from anyone, and especially not your family. I don’t care if he’s angry at you or not. Anyone who is truly a father wouldn’t put all of his hopes and dreams into you being what he wants. So what that the ranch has been a part of your family for generations? Why, because you’re the only son, does that then become your responsibility? This isn’t the 1800’s, Brant. You’re allowed to choose what you want, or don’t want, for your life. Stop feeling guilty for that. The more power you give him over your self-worth, the more he’s going to take.”

  He brought up his hands and cupped her face, tracing her smooth skin with his thumbs. “Thank you,” he whispered. A small puff of air huffed from her mouth as her eyes widened at his touch. She smelled of mint, and he wanted nothing more than to put his lips on hers again. “I knew when I woke up today I should just go get you and spend the day with you instead of going to see him. I should’ve listened to my gut.”

  “I’m not going to tell you to turn your back on your family,” she whispered back, bringing her hands up to touch his, still on her face. “But, just because he’s your family doesn’t mean you allow him to treat you that way. You’re a man, Brantley. A successful, handsome, kind man. You have nothing to be ashamed of. You aren’t doing anything wrong. At all.”

  He entwined both his hands with hers and kissed one hand, then the other. It was funny, really, how this morning he had felt cut, annihilated by his own father and all it took to start putting him back together was one sentence from the amazing woman sitting next to him.

  “I want to kiss you,” he admitted. “I just don’t want you to think I’m using you to forget.”

  “Brant,” she breathed, and he swore the sound shot straight to his heart. “I know you’re not using me.” Did she just give him permission? Because he was barely restraining himself as it was.

  “This week has been bad; horrible for both of us. But I’d do it all again if I had to, just to be with you right here, right now.”

  Her gaze searched his. “Why?”

  “Because meeting you has made all of the rest of this week worth it. I don’t think it was a coincidence we met, Lacey. You calm me, make me want to be better. For you. To be the person you deserve.”

  “Oh, Brant,” she got up on her knees and leaned in, so close he could almost touch her lips with his. “There’s nothing you have to do better. Stop thinking you aren’t good enough. Kiss me.”

  He didn’t waste another second. Separating his legs so she could fit in between them, he snaked his arm around her waist and pulled her as close as he could. Smoothing her hair back with his free hand, they looked into each other’s eyes for what seemed like forever before he made the first move, touching his lips to hers in a soft kiss.

  Brant fought not to groan as he took her lips in his, not able to stop himself from using his tongue to lick the seam. When she wrapped her arms around his neck and opened her mouth to deepen the kiss, he swore that his head was floating above the clouds somewhere. Her tongue met his in a sensual dance, both of them moving slowly, testing out the other. He was aware of every movement she was making and every breath she was taking. Her hands caressed the back of his neck as she let him take the lead. He fought to keep his hands where he knew they should be, so he settled for touching her back as they continued. He was going to do this right. Never would Lacey feel like a cheap hook up.

  He kept it slow, even though his body screamed to make it much more. He opened his eyes right when she did, and they continued kissing, watching one another for a few seconds until he started reluctantly pulling back. He could kiss her all day, he knew that much. He pulled back slowly, resting his forehead against hers as they both breathed heavily, their eyes closed.

  “Lacey,” he said against her mouth. “I don’t want to let you go.”

  “Then don’t,” she said back.

  Two weeks had gone by since the day Brant and Lacey spent the afternoon at the river, and it had been the best two weeks of her life. They had spent a lot of time together, whether it was just tal
king on the phone or texting or actually being with one another. The day when he turned to her after his dad had upset him had been a turning point for both of them. It helped open her eyes to the fact that she wasn’t the only one that had emotional scars, and helping Brant through his actually helped ease some of her own.

  Though they had been making it their goal to spend as much time as they could together, they weren’t pushing things. They had still only kissed, which was both infuriating and refreshing all at the same time. Brant had made it very clear that he was doing things differently with her than he ever had before, and that he wanted to do it right.

  Lacey realized that she had been staring at her computer screen for a long time, not doing anything. She certainly didn’t have time for that. It was only halfway through Monday, and she had a busy afternoon ahead of her. Throwing the remains to her salad lunch in her garbage can, she noticed the screen of her phone lit up in the partially open drawer. Probably Brant, she said to herself. Picking it up, she looked at the number calling her but didn’t recognize it. Maybe he was calling from somewhere else.

  “Hello?”

  “Lacey Russell?” Nope, not Brant at all. Probably someone trying to sell her something. Ugh, she hated when she answered the phone and couldn’t get off.

  “Who’s calling?”

  “This is Gina from Dr. Blaise’s office calling for Lacey Russell. Is that you?”

  Her stomach dropped. Dr. Blaise’s office? Why? She had seen her weeks ago. “Y-yes, I’m Lacey. What can I do for you?”

  “I’m so sorry to bother you,” the young woman said. “Dr. Blaise is having a hard time seeing the film from your mammogram on your left breast. She’d like to have you go to the Radiology Center and redo the left side so she can see it better. They have a more powerful machine.”