Remember, Remember
Page 19
‘I don’t want an excuse. Ever again.’
He lets his eyes answer for him.
I’m fighting to avoid comparisons. Of course, a month in Canada in the best of hotels eclipses a week in Brighton in a seedy bed-and-breakfast. But we are 40 years on. The circumstances are entirely different. The world is a much more accessible place. And Aaron has four decades as a successful lawyer behind him; he isn’t a young joiner augmenting his income teaching the basics of oboe-playing to reluctant children.
Eleven days so far, every one memorable. Seventeen more to come. We’re in tune mentally, psychologically, emotionally.
Eleven nights so far… only now do I know what I’ve missed. Surely it isn’t wrong to savour this contentment. I can only truly value my present happiness by measuring it against the past.
I don’t deserve this second chance but it came anyway.
Aaron has a much more robust sense of what we deserve than I do. Lying beside me, he’s admiring my wedding ring. He says it helps him register the ‘legitimacy’ of sharing my bed.
‘Penny for them.’
‘I was thinking about Mother, actually.’
‘Nice thoughts?’
‘All the treatments and preventions that have been promoted since she went into The Morningside: infrared helmets, crossword puzzles, nicotine… that new drug… what was it called? Ah yes, Rember.’
‘And then there was MTC, taking statins, controlling fatty acids…’
‘And that epilepsy drug, and vitamins…’
‘And milk, and wine…’
‘So that’s why you’ve been plying me with the best Bordeaux.’
‘Oh no,’ he laughs,’ I have a much more short-term reason than that!’
‘And there was surfing the Internet – that was supposed to slow it down. And extra virgin olive oil.’
‘We missed out embryonic stem cells. But as far as we know nothing has really come to anything, has it?’
‘I know. And deep down, I don’t believe it would have been a kindness to prolong her life.’
‘But being you, you have to question your motives and beat yourself up for not doing enough.’ He sighs. ‘Will you ever be truly happy?’
‘Oh but I am happy, Aaron. I am… Ah, I fell for it again.’
He grins and gives me a hug. ‘Sorry. Can’t resist winding you up sometimes. But curiously enough, I’ve been thinking about your mum, too. I owe her a lot.’
‘You do?’ Held this close I can’t see his expression.
‘Mm. If she hadn’t been so unselfish my mother wouldn’t have remembered her. If Mother hadn’t spoken of her in such glowing terms my curiosity wouldn’t have been piqued. Without the big secret you wouldn’t have had the same air of mystery.’
‘So it’s my family story not me you fell for.’
‘Ahh, you’ve rumbled me! But of course, as you very well know, it was only after I met you that I mentioned your name to her. I was already smitten. But to return to what I was saying… if I hadn’t known the standard your mum set, I might have misconstrued my first dismissal and never returned for a second chance.’
‘But that presupposes that I inherited her unselfishness. And as we both know, I didn’t inherit anything from her.’
‘Oh yes you did,’ he says softly.
‘How come?’
He rears up on one elbow and looks into my eyes with an expression that makes my heart lurch.
‘You have to be one of the most unselfish people I’ve ever met. And one of the most conscientious and responsible.’
‘Mum was more so. And she definitely had a nicer nature than me.’
‘If you say so. I can’t judge. But that’s the legacy she gave you. Not her genetic makeup. Her example. Which you chose to follow. Because you had a choice and, luckily for me, you turned yourself into the person you are. The woman I adore.’
‘To think I nearly lost you for good.’ I shudder in spite of the warmth around me. ‘I really thought you’d be snapped up by some other more available woman.’
‘I wasn’t in the market for some other available woman. I’d already found what I was looking for.’
Much later he says, ‘Now you’ve had time to get used to the idea, how do you feel about Beatrice being your real mother?’
‘She isn’t. She simply gave birth to me. Doris was my real mother. I see that now. And even if I’d known the truth a long time ago, I’d have done exactly what I did.’
‘I believe you would.’
‘Look what she did for me after all.’
He half-smiles.
‘And I don’t want Aunt Beatrice to spoil my memories. That’s why I’m not going to tell her that I know about her.’
‘I can understand that.’
‘Imagine her claiming James as her grandson…’
‘A wise decision all round. And you know, I rather like the idea of the two of us sharing this secret.’
A thought strikes me. ‘When I found those photos in the cupboard under the stairs, I felt so sad. Rootless. I wasn’t the me I thought I was. These people weren’t my ancestors. But now we know I’m Beatrice’s daughter, I’m back in that family tree.’
‘Just in a different place.’
‘Exactly.’
‘But much more importantly, you are now in my family tree.’
I reach up to trace the outline of his face.
‘I don’t deserve you, Aaron Wiseman.’
‘You deserve every happiness that comes your way, Jessica Wiseman. You’ve more than earned it.’
‘Jessica Wiseman,’ I repeat slowly. ‘A lifetime ago I wrote that name on an envelope. It was one of those nights when Mother couldn’t sleep and I was sitting beside her bed to stop her wandering. I sat for an age looking at the words. Like a love-sick teenager.’
‘And then?’
‘I burned it. It made me so unhappy.’
‘And now?’
‘It’s still too good to be true. I can’t believe it’s me.’
‘As the waiter downstairs knows!’
Discussion Points for Bookclubs
What is the purpose of the prologue in this book?
If you only heard Jessica’s side of the story what misconceptions would you retain?
Doris’ story unravels backwards in time. Why do you think the author chose this technique? How effective is it?
Doris used to be first on Pandora’s ‘prayer list’. She has now ‘consigned her grandmother to the past tense’. Why? What are the implications of this?
Jessica is more disturbed by her father’s part in the big deception than her mother’s. Why is this? What do you think of his response to the question she asked as a child in the garden?
Recalling her mother’s suppressed grief, Jessica asks: ‘All the anger I see in her now, all the fear, is it the emotion finding expression at last?’ What do you think?
In the second half of the book we get an explanation for many of Doris’ behaviours. Does this change your feelings about her? Would knowing change the attitude of her carers?
‘Step by step she has sunk down to the basement of her being,’ Jessica says of her mother. Why do you think the author chose this analogy?
Doris uses her own names for the carers. What other devices are employed to give the reader insight into Doris’ perceptions when she is unable to communicate effectively? Which is the most effective for you?
Doris and Jessica share certain experiences – losing a brother at a young age, having a selfish sister, being a driven person. Why do you feel the author added this extra potential for confusion?
What new insights into dementia did you gain from this book?
If you are interested in further information about medical ethics or this series of books, visit the author’s website and weekly blog. The website provides further discussion questions for students and teachers of medical ethics; an author profile; details of her books and the ethical topics covered in them; and links to related websit
es.
www.hazelmchaffie.com
www.VelvetEthics.com
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