by EJ Valson
Olivia kicks the ball back and forth with me while I’m distracted by my thoughts. She doesn’t seem to notice. After a half an hour, I take her in and bathe her. At 8:00 p.m. she passes out on the couch while watching cartoons. I carefully carry her to her room and tuck her into bed.
The house is quiet, the night is still. I take a blanket from the couch and sit outside and watch the sun fade away. I find it strange how fast life goes by. How a moment is literally a flash in time. It was only one week ago that I was with Michael. We were enjoying ourselves on a night just like this one. Having our first kiss. And tonight he feels farther away than ever before.
When stars start to appear in the night sky I decide to head inside and get ready for an early bedtime. What’s the point of staying up and exhausting myself further with this mental and emotional anguish anyway?
After locking up the house, I quietly make my way to the bathroom. I hear a soft clicking sound and realize I have left my laptop on, so I head over to the table to shut it off. The screen has gone to sleep after being dormant for so many hours. I hit the spacebar to awaken it.
I’m surprised when I see a flashing window minimized on the taskbar. I open my instant messenger program and almost yell with excitement. Michael wrote me a message sometime while we were away at the movies.
“Hey? You there?” he wrote. Then about ten minutes pass until the next message. “Well, you must be gone. I just wanted to say hello. Maybe we can talk tomorrow. Bye”.
I deflate. I can’t believe I missed this message. WHY??? I’m frustrated with myself for not checking this earlier. But by the time we got home, it would have been 2:00 a.m. his time anyway. I decide I better write back so he knows I received his message.
“Hi there. I am so sorry I missed this. I was at the movies and didn’t check my computer until now,” I write. “I’ll be around tomorrow. Maybe we can talk then. Bye”.
I sigh and prepare to shut the computer down when I hear the incoming message chime. Michael has responded. “Wait!” he writes.
I quickly grab the laptop and move to the couch so I can sit down and talk to him. “Hi! I am here!” I write, then wait to see the messenger indicate that he is writing back.
“Hello there. What are you up to?” he says.
“I was going to bed, but I think I can stay up for a bit,” I respond.
For the next two hours we talk over instant messenger. I sit, smiling, with my tired eyes burning, but unwilling to sleep. He explains that he still hasn’t turned his hours around and is not sleeping well and that is why he was up so early. We talk about him arriving back home and how nice it was to see his friends and family. He asks me how work is, how Olivia is doing, and most importantly, when we will see each other again. I pray it will be soon, but logistically, I cannot see how.
Even though we are not in the same town, time zone or continent, I’ll take what I can get. He is still here in his own way. Reaching out to me, wanting to spend time with me. I’m hopeful this is a good sign that there will be something more to come from this.
CHAPTER 73
June comes quickly and work has been busy with preparations for an important tradeshow in England. I’m a bit sad because everyone from Marketing is going but me. I will be left alone in a quiet office, constantly reminded of the void in my life.
On the bright side, Michael and I have been chatting about three times a week. Occasionally he will message me while I’m at work, but with the time difference, and him having to finish school and starting a new job for the summer, it’s been hard to talk. Though we don’t get too deep into emotional discussions, we tease each other about what we would do if we were able to hang out together.
He tells me about places he would take me in the city he lives in. The friends he would introduce me too. He talks about Seattle, and how he wishes we had more time there. He promises that if he comes back, we will go there together again. Right now all this talk is wishful thinking, but I’m hopeful it will fruition into reality.
Joe and I have finally gotten into a rhythm with Olivia and her schedule. We are getting along well and I see a bounce in his step when we cross paths. I assume it has to do with a new found love interest, but I don’t pry, even though the curiosity is killing me to know if it is that Sara girl.
Astrid heard from John, who is preparing for his journey home. I don’t know the details, but his travels involve a bus, a train and then a short flight back to Washington. It could take some time. He has also revealed that he is bringing back some supplies and doing his best not to get held up in Customs. This peaks my curiosity, but is the least of my worries right now.
For now the biggest weight upon my shoulders is the time that I feel I’m losing and the progress that isn’t being made. Every day I pray that Michael will not forget me. That he will not decide I’m a lost cause and a path not worth travelling.
The odds of a guy his age, with his whole future and world of opportunity at his feet, leaving all of that to come to this small town and be with a divorced single mom are pretty unlikely. Though I have to remind myself, he did take the chance before -- didn’t he?
I worry that the outcome won’t be the same. I’m certain that before he left in my other life, we actually solidified our relationship and decided to try the long distance thing. But this time, he left without us deciding on anything. How will I bridge the gap before he gets bored and puts me in the “friend” zone?
In the meantime, I cherish the moments I have with him through our instant message chats and occupy my time with Olivia and Stacy, when she isn’t busy smooching all over Lewis. They are practically living together now and it has been hard to get any friend time with her. But she is happy and I am happy for her.
On Friday afternoon, Steve comes out of his office after having a closed door meeting with Roger and Jane. He looks stressed and heads immediately to the Operations department. Seconds later I hear a door close from down the hall. Uh, oh, I think to myself.
Jane and Roger walk back to their desks and quietly sit down, not saying a word. From the awkward glances they give each other, I take it the meeting went sour. I open my instant messenger and message Stacy, who is in her office. “Hey, did you see that?” I ask.
“Yeah. I could hear their voices and the tone sounded negative,” she types.
A few minutes later Steve walks back into the office and tells Jane and Roger they can go to Human Resources if their letters are ready. They quickly get out of their seats, grab pieces of paper from their desks and leave the area.
I sit in shock over what is taking place. All I can gather is there has been some sort of discrepancy or issue and they are in trouble.
“Stacy, Jenni, can I speak with you both in my office, please?” Steve asks, before going back to his office.
My heart starts to race. What if we are being laid off? How the hell will I manage without this job? I am doing my best to stop myself from panicking. I feel lightheaded and dizzy. I’m scared. I follow Stacy into Steve’s office and sit down next to her. Steve is seated at his desk, across from us. I’m trying my best to keep calm and not show my concern.
“Jane and Roger have just given notice,” Steve says. Stacy and I look at each other in shock. “They have accepted positions at a competing company and they are leaving effective immediately. However, this leaves us in a bit of a jam,” he explains. “We won’t have time to train anyone else before our show in England. Stacy, you are already going, but we need two more bodies to help staff the booth,” he continues. He then looks directly at me.
“Jenni, I know it is short notice, but would you be willing to come to England for a week?” he asks.
My heart starts to race with excitement. I have to stop myself from shouting with joy, like some game show contestant who just won a big prize. “Yes, absolutely,” I say, straining to keep my composure.
“But that only covers one person. I don’t think there is anyone else here that has the knowledge or is personable eno
ugh to fit our needs. Stacy, do you have any recommendations?” he asks her.
Stacy thinks for a minute. I can see the wheels turning in her methodical mind. “How about Michael?” she suggests.
I look at her, surprised. Why would she suggest him? He doesn’t work here anymore. I look at Steve, whose facial expression tells me he is considering this. After all, it would be cheaper to send Michael from Sweden to England than fly another person from the US over. Plus, he now has all the product knowledge required and is good with people in the booth.
“I think that might work. Stacy, will you try to contact him and see if he is interested?” he asks her.
I politely interrupt. “Oh, I can do that. We still keep in touch, so I’m happy to do it,” I say, looking to both of them for approval.
Steve gets a slight smirk on his face. I know this face. He can tell that I like Michael. I try to contain my eagerness and conceal any feelings for Michael that I may have just made known. “OK, feel free to,” Steve replies, smiling knowingly.
I get up from the chair to rush back to my desk and contact Michael.
“Say hello for us,” Stacy teases, as I exit. I try to fight my guilty smile, but I can’t. They are on to me. Luckily, they don’t care. We have no rule against dating within the company, and besides, they are my friends and they want me to be happy.
I hurry to my desk and open my instant messenger. Michael’s status is set to Away. I am hoping he is there. “Hello, you there?” I write. I’m tapping my foot, waiting impatiently for him to reply.
While I’m waiting, Stacy comes in and talks to me about getting a passport – as I am pretty sure I don’t have one. She tells me which flights to book for myself, and how to change her room to a double so we can share. I comply and write it all down, while my nerves jitter through my body. I’m praying Michael will respond soon and will be able to come to England.
“Come on,” I whisper to my computer screen. To keep myself busy, I look up flights between his airport in Sweden and the airport in England. I want to be ready to book his tickets. Fifteen minutes later, Michael finally responds. I quickly relay the invitation and misspell several words in the process of typing my message, thus causing confusion.
After a few minutes of Michael trying to determine his work schedule and worrying if his new boss will allow it, he decides it will be worth it, because in his words, “It’s worth getting the chance to see you again.”
His message brings a smile to my face and hope to my soul. England or bust!
CHAPTER 74
It’s a rainy late June evening when John finally arrives. Astrid knew he would arrive at any moment, but I was so overwhelmed with anticipation that every minute felt like an hour.
“Do you need help carrying anything?” Astrid shouts to him through the rain as he gets out of his mini bus.
I hurry to the door to greet him. I can’t get him in this house fast enough. He has every answer I have been waiting for with him. “Hi, John,” I say eagerly as he walks towards the house.
“Hi, Jennifer,” he says hustling in, trying to dodge the summer rainstorm.
“Here,” he says handing me a small box. “Go ahead and get started, the batteries are new and the tapes are set to the beginning.” I am shaking with excitement. I can FINALLY listen to our sessions. I have been waiting for months.
Astrid looks at me with a giant smile on her face, “Oh, Honey, this is wonderful!” she says, elated. We hurriedly make our way into the house. I find a comfortable spot on the floor amongst oversized floor pillows and yank the tape recorder from the box. I have my new journal next to me, so I’m ready to make comparisons. I take a deep breath as I hold the heavy, cold plastic machine in my hand. This is it.
“Be right there, Jennifer,” Astrid calls from the kitchen, where she is making tea for everyone. John sits down in the old armchair across from me and leans forward with his arms on his knees and face in his palms, indicating he is ready to listen along with me.
Astrid enters the living room carrying three coffee mugs filled with tea on a tray and sets them down near John and me, then sits down on the couch. “OK, let’s do this!” she exclaims.
With a jump of my heart, I press PLAY. The tape gears begin to turn and the echo-like tape sounds begin to hum.
John: “Jennifer, can you please tell me what month it is?”
Me: “It’s spring, it’s warm. I think it is…it’s May.”
John: “Do you know what year it is?”
Me: “It’s...2006…yes, 2006.”
John: “Good, good. And where are you?”
Me: “Um, I am in a city…there are lights all around in tall buildings.”
John: “Do you know the name of the city?”
Me: “Seattle.”
John: “That’s good. And do you know who is with you.”
Me: “A guy…it’s….it’s…it’s Michael.”
We listen to hours of tape John recorded from our sessions. With each recollection from the tape recorder my body goes through a series of flashes, Deja vu’s and physical sensations that leave me feeling like I’ve run a marathon by the time we are finished.
I hear about my trips to Sweden. A trip to England. The moment we decided to get married. The day Michael came to live in the United States. Our wedding day. Telling him I was pregnant. A family photo shoot near a harbor when I was pregnant. The day Stella was born.
Every inkling of familiarity I have felt over the months is confirmed. Memories that I could recall enough to write about were revealed. Every glimpse of my future or what I remember living with Michael appears clearly and is restored to the depth of my core. I remember everything about us, everything about him, everything about what is to be.
When the last tape finishes, we sit in silence, staring at each other. John had already heard these things, but due to the nature of my situation at the time and inexperience with someone like me, he didn’t put too much effort into remembering each detail. And now that he knows Michael really exists, he is even more fascinated.
“These things really happened, Jennifer, and the things that you say are supposed to happen in the future are supposed to happen. I can see it clear as day now,” Astrid says, with tears in her eyes. I am relieved and appreciative and on the verge of tears after her affirmation. “And we need to get you back as soon as possible,” she says.
CHAPTER 75
I am still fascinated by what has just taken place. Hearing all of my memories on the tapes and Astrid confirming them has filled me with hope.
John sits quietly thinking in his chair. “Time is of the essence, Jennifer. But we have to do this right,” John explains.
Astrid looks at him. “But, John, if we wait too long, it could throw everything off course,” she says.
He shakes his head in disagreement. “No. She has to go exactly one year to the day she arrived here. And not calendar year, the actual day. If she got here on a Sunday, she leaves on a Sunday. That means we need to do it on July 30th. If she goes any sooner, she could get lost in a paradox. If she goes past that date, she risks closing some…some gap. She MUST go on the right day between 11:59 and midnight,” he states firmly.
My heart starts to thump in my chest. I’m frightened by the thought of missing my opportunity to go home.
“There are other people’s lives at stake too,” she says to him. I can tell she means Joe, Olivia and Stella.
“Astrid, I have all of the instructions and I know that if it is not done right she will end up like Jesus,” he says.
“Like Jesus?” I ask him.
“Not like Jesus, like HAY-ZEUS,” he pronounces emphatically.
The comical irony is not lost on me that I could end up like the biblical figure Jesus. Sacrificing myself for the benefit others and possibly resulting in my life being cut short. My amusement is quickly squelched by concern.
“What happened to him?” I ask John.
He is quiet for a moment. “Let me show you,”
he says, stepping over to his backpack and pulling out a small camcorder. He takes out a few cables and connects them to the side of Astrid’s television, then to the camcorder. He turns her TV on and changes some input function. Then he powers on the camcorder and video appears on the screen within seconds.
Astrid and I move to the couch and sit close together, holding hands. A small dark man appears on the screen. He is sitting on a tree stump. Behind him is a small house. I can see dirt and dust all around it. It is a desolate landscape. John begins to ask questions, which someone else off camera repeats in Spanish to this man, who then responds in Spanish. Then his words are translated back to John in English.
