Popeye Never Told You

by Rodney Hall

  ‘quiet!’ he hisses at me ‘or youll get us killed!’

  im being as quiet as i can and its not my fault when i trip over,

  ‘OW!’

  and the pains awful and im on the ground and theres a gash across my leg, but i dont dare cry,

  Di looks and she covers her mouth,

  ‘oh!’ she says,

  but its not my leg shes looking at,

  ‘ooh-er!’ she says,

  and now i see that what tripped me was a sagging strand of barbed wire,

  ‘Mike!’ i say ‘help!’

  and he hoists my arm across his shoulders to help me up and we find the path and thats the way we go,

  ‘i can feel the Lock Jaw’ i say,

  ‘the point is’ he tells me ‘to get you safely to the road’ and once we are out of the woods i sit on the stile with my cardigan wrapped tight around me and this is the worst thing ever in all my life because the rusty wire got me and im going to die now, but Mikes talking to a farmer and the farmer sits high up on his tractor and Mike points my way so i keep mopping the blood with my handkerchief, and the farmer shakes his head but at last he climbs down to come over,

  ‘give us a look, sonny’ he says,

  and his breath smells bad but hes careful the way he holds my leg in his fingers and he turns the wound this way and that to get a proper look at it,

  ‘nobbut a scratch’ he says,

  ‘it doesnt hurt’ i lie,

  ‘what about the Lock Jaw?’ Di says,

  ‘Lock Jaw!’ the man says and gets his own jaw working ‘can you feel it, then?’ he asks me,

  ‘i think so’ i say,

  and now its too late to stop my tears coming, because this is the end and because hes seen me in a girls cardigan too,

  ‘who told you about Lock Jaw?’ he says and he takes hold of my chin so he can try wiggling that too,

  ‘Michael did’ says Di,

  ‘no no’ he tells Mike ‘it feels loose as can be, and as for that cut there, well tis a good open cut’

  ‘thank you’ says Mike,

  but its me thats going to die!

  ‘tell him to keep his leg moving’ says the farmer as if im not here anymore ‘and so long as it can bleed the little chap has nowt to fear’ and he pats Mike on the back and goes back over to his tractor,

  ‘we saw some gypsies in the woods’ Di tells him,

  ‘well then’ he says ‘when they come around selling clothes pegs to your mum youll know where they live, wont you?

  and he climbs on, and the little lid on his tractor chimney bats up, letting out a puff of smoke when the big tyres begin to turn,

  we hang round just outside the gate at New Mills Court now it doesn’t belong to Gran just to get a look at Olives dreadful mother while shes digging in the garden with a trowel and ripping out the plants,

  ‘those are Grans pansies’ i tell her through the bars of the gate,

  ‘dont tell me!’ she shouts ‘and whens your Uncle Ralph ever going to get that divorce of his? when? just you answer me that, because im all ears waiting to hear’ and she stabs at the ground ‘he said he wouldnt ever go back to that woman and her children in Australia, but just you wait and see’

  ‘its not our fault’ i say,

  ‘he doesnt keep his word to anybody’ she says ‘your Uncle Ralph’

  and Grans nice old house has changed because the curtains are closed in the middle of the day,

  ‘and my Olive forty already!’ Mrs Freestone says,

  and she gets busy digging again and her wild grey hair stands out all over the place,

  ‘then i shall marry her’ i say,

  and i show her my Valentino eyes,

  and i know that you were in a hospital too, but if you never had stitches in your tongue you wont have any idea how much they get in the way or how much they hurt, specially if they were put in crooked like mine,

  the best way of getting into the cinema free is to hang around outside during the interval, but this is the first time i ever tried it alone,

  and here come the people with their Pass Outs,

  ‘do you want that ticket?’ i ask a lady carrying a cat in her shopping basket,

  ‘this?’ she says and holds up the Pass Out,

  but i only nod because now im embarrassed,

  ‘clear off!’ she says ‘you little pest!’

  and now its old Mrs North and shes the chemists wife so she knows me and because she might tell Mum and get me into trouble i dodge out of sight behind an usherette while the swing doors keep swinging, but i keep an eye on two ladies who stop on the pavement for a chat,

  ‘shall we go to the tea rooms and have a bite of lunch?’ says the one with a walking stick,

  ‘theres no time’ says the other,

  and they tuck their Pass Outs in their purses while theyre looking around, so theyre no good,

  but here comes my chance because a young woman reaches for the wall and leans against it looking really sick,

  ‘excuse me’ i say,

  ‘thanks, but im alright’ she tells me,

  and shes holding her tummy in her hands and she smiles and i can see its because shes going to have a baby,

  ‘are you sure?’

  ‘yes’

  ‘do you need your Pass?’ i ask,

  ‘oh you wouldnt want to see whats coming on next, love’ she says and her face cramps up ‘its a horror!’

  ive heard about horror films that theyre very exciting and now i know what its going to be i really want to see it, but she shoves her Pass at one of the usherettes who takes it, hell! and im hopping mad because if i dont get in soon someones going to catch me,

  ‘HHHRRRAFFF!’ an old geezer coughs in my face and goes purple and his red eyes glare at me and he puts his Pass in my hand without a word, Wow! just wait till i tell the kids at school!

  but the usherette says ‘i didnt notice you coming out’

  ‘i came through the other door’

  ‘but you have to have an accompanying adult to see this film’

  i never thought of that,

  ‘my Aunty Olives in there waiting for me’ i say,

  she looks at the Pass as though it might be a fake,

  ‘well all i can say’ she says ‘is that im surprised at her’

  and my favourite thing at the cinema is watching the curtains, and im just waiting for whats going to happen because the lights always go dim and everyone can see the curtains are made of thick dark red stuff and i can never work out how they change into invisible material but thats what happens every time, so up pops J Arthur Rank and we can see him hitting a huge gong but we are watching him through the curtains, and now the curtains split apart and sure enough there he is on the screen behind, so this proves it and i reckon it may have something to do with the X-ray but i dont know for sure,

  the big film is about some lady who gets murdered in a gloomy old house that belongs to a man with one leg, and hes stuck in a wheelchair so he cant be the one who did the murder because it happens upstairs, but the very next night someone else is for it when the murderers shoes go tramping and limping along the same passage with a heavy step, but in the morning the people all eat their breakfast in the garden sitting beside a pond where theres an island with a stone statue of a man with no clothes on, and theres a detective like Guy who spies on everybody till the police ask him what he has found out, and he says ‘it baffles me’ but hes the next one strangled and the mystery is that the wheelchair man is the only one who doesnt have an alibi, so the policemen dont know what to think, except for a young constable hiding in the bushes after dark and he watches the lights go on in the house and he cant believe his eyes! because one leg of the stone statue out in the lake begins to vanish and soon its gone altogether, and now the heavy feet go tramping through the house like one of thems made of stone so someone else is going to get it in the neck, but i cant see because ive got my hands over my eyes and im going to hide like this till its all o
ver at the end,

  i hate wearing braces to keep my shorts up, so thats why i have a belt and this belt is green and black with a buckle like an S and the S is really a snake and the snake is silver with scales and an eye and i love it,

  ‘you little Philistines need to learn that you are not important’ says Mr Marks ‘because the rest of the world will get on quite nicely without any of you’

  Pam sits beside me and we are both on best behaviour, and Mr Marks lines the whole class up alongside the Greenline coach we came in,

  ‘today we are visiting a munitions factory’ he says ‘and this will help explain the war effort’

  so we file indoors where its huge but theres nothing to see,

  ‘the ladies here are drilling the metal’ Mr Marks says,

  and there are hundreds of them in overalls with scarves tied round their heads and their sleeves rolled up standing at work alongside lines of machines and theres a factory man with a beard whos showing us round and he points to a machine with some white stuff like milk streaming out of a nozzle,

  ‘this is the flux’ he says ‘to cool the hot brass’

  and though ive seen lots of beards in storybooks his is the first one ive seen in real life,

  ‘understand?’ Mr Marks snaps at us ‘and why does metal get hot when its drilled?’

  ‘friction, sir’ says Trevor Tomkins the class pet,

  ‘good boy’

  ‘whats happening over there?’ i ask the factory man because i want to see his beard move,

  ‘those are the lathes, sonny’ he says ‘where we manufacture shell cases’

  and the women lathing have to stand still while little heaps of brass shavings get all over their shoes,

  ‘and through here’ says the man with the beard ‘the shell bodies are made, ready for fitting into the cases’

  ‘is it dangerous?’ Pam asks,

  ‘no, sweetheart, we dont handle explosives in this outfit’ he says ‘our product gets shipped out to Buckinghamshire for that’

  several of the women working look up at us but they dont smile, and theres pliers and iron blocks and black oil and grease everywhere except on the shiny shells,

  ‘can i touch?’ i ask,

  ‘no’ says Mr Marks,

  but at the same time the factory man says ‘yes, if you like’

  so i do and Mr Marks frowns at me,

  ‘why are there twenty-eight?’ i ask because ive counted the hollow shells that stand in crates like milk bottles,

  ‘i dont answer silly questions’ says the man,

  and already we are being lined up ready to march through to the next part for us to see what they are making in there,

  ‘so when England wins the war’ Mr Marks tells us in front of everyone ‘its these ladies we shall have to thank’

  and when he starts clapping we clap too, but it seems silly,

  and one of the women wipes her nose with her forearm,

  everythings changed because we find some strange kids sitting around on the grass beside our canal, just exactly in our spot and theyre scrambling to their feet and this means trouble,

  so Diana faces them and plants her hands on her hips and i wish we had waited for Mike to come with us,

  ‘thats where we sit’ she tells them though its just her and me,

  and the leader comes straight up to us looking pretty rough and he shoves her aside to get at me,

  ‘ere!’ he says ‘whats your name?’

  he shakes his fist in my face,

  and im afraid of fists but ive got to pretend im not scared because Guy once told me that you can smell peoples fear and i think this boy may smell mine,

  ‘cat got your tongue?’ he says and shoves his face right up close so all i can think about was the day that bully punched me in the playground,

  ‘yep!’ i say,

  but i dont dare move because i dont want him to get a whiff of my smell or anything,

  ‘little smarty-pants ay?’

  but suddenly he staggers right up against me because Di butts him in the back,

  ‘hey!’ he yells at her,

  and this means trouble when hes got hold of her arm and yanks her round,

  ‘leave her alone!’ i shout,

  and hes holding on to her, but its like theyre pals already and hes grinning and so he puts out his hand to me,

  ‘dyou kids want to muck about with us, then?’ he says,

  and nothing like this ever happened before,

  ‘not half!’ i say,

  and its like his hand is a hard old glove the way it feels in mine,

  ‘the names Jack’ he says,

  and Jacks our pal so we are never going to need Michael again,

  ‘Jacks tougher than anybody’ says one boy opening and shutting a penknife,

  ‘yeah? well, i bet my father could beat his father’ i say,

  but Diana shoots me a shocked look,

  ‘you a screw loose or summat?’ Jack says and he cuffs the back of my head,

  and a boy with both front teeth missing grins right in my face ‘put a sock in it why dontya!’ he says,

  and the boy with the knife gets busy cutting cigarettes from an old-mans-beard bush so we can all smoke,

  ‘woodbines’ he says,

  ‘even me brother could probly beat your father’ Jack says to me ‘es twelve and once e hit a full-grown man and kept hitn im’ and Jack gets a bit of spit in the corner of his mouth ‘ten or twenty times smack smack smack, like that, till e knocked im down!’

  ‘i saw im too’ one of the kids in the grass says,

  ‘and’ says the boy without teeth ‘hedve beat him down again if hedve got up!’

  ‘there e was, that man, curled up on the ground’ Jack says ‘with is nose all bloody but e darent get up!’

  ‘and’ says the kid in the grass ‘es making a crocodile noise!’

  so we strike some matches and suck hard on our woodbines to keep them alight,

  everythings closed Sunday afternoon so we go down the back of the Gaumont and im telling Mike and Di all about the horror film i saw and we climb over the brick wall and into the yard,

  ‘give me a leg up’ i ask Mike,

  and he does because the walls quite high,

  ‘now me’ Di says,

  and he comes last,

  so we open up the huge dustbins where we find all sorts of things because what we are after is bits of film that got chucked out and there are generally lots of them and each one is a strip of tiny pictures and sometimes you can stretch your arms wide and see the whole thing, and we look for the film stars we know and Alan Ladd is my favourite because hes the nicest but Mikes is Rita Hayworth, and we roll up whatever we can find to keep, so we have lots of pictures of men with women that we can take home, and another thing is the huge light bulbs that are useless and burnt out because we chuck these against the wall to hear them POP, but if anyone walks past the gates we have to hide and wait till theyve gone, except if its other kids in the back lane and then we chuck a couple of the bulbs over the top and we hear them go off and the kids run away,

  and the hairdresser lets me sit here when theres a huge sort of half-egg thing over Mums head that swallows her up while she reads a magazine like nothings happened at all,

  ‘you could have knocked me over with a feather’ says one lady,

  ‘well i never!’ says another,

  and the ladies have to sit still with their hair full of tin clips and rollers, and the chairs swivel on the spot while the hairdressers get round them with their scissors snippering,

  ‘you wouldnt read about it!’ says Mum reading,

  and her hairdresser says ‘and i said,who says? i said’

  and she crosses over to the gas ring to take some long tongs off the flame and she goes for Mum till her heads smoking and she curls her hair some more and now it really stinks and spray gets squirted around, and when another customer pokes her nose in to take a look at the queue the clumps of hair
all roll across the floor away from the door,

  ‘i shall call back later’ says the lady in the doorway ‘toodle-oo’

  and another one under a half-egg thing comes out and i can see its Mrs Harris with her hair bright ginger, and there are mirrors all over the place so you can watch the back of everybodys head and there are little jars of nail polish standing in a row, and while one ladys doubled over a washbasin someone foams up the shampoo so i wonder why she doesnt wash her own hair like i can do mine,

  but Mums told me that this is where film stars come when they want to look beautiful because they have to put their heads under these things first and hold out their hands one finger at a time for the red to be painted on, and Mums having hers painted because tonight shes going out, so she fans the air with her hands because the hairdressers is full of this smell of hot hair and perfume and stuff,

  ‘would you rather play in the street, darling?’ she says to me and she looks at the colour on her nails,

  ‘i like it here’ i tell her,

  and the hairdresser looks up at me in the mirror and gives me a special smile,

  and i should tell you that its a big thing when Mum goes out and i think going outs what she likes to do most of all, while we three stay over with Gran and we take our ludo and our Monopoly to the little house she lives in now,

  Pam shares a desk with me, but i dont know whether its alright to have a girl for a best friend and especially in the break when sometimes she does knitting instead of joining in tag and Roger Sawyer doesnt like her but Mike says a girl can be your best friend if you kiss her,

  down by the railway tracks we are watching two engines pull a freight train along and its loaded with army tanks all in a line gliding smoothing past us and there are covers on the big guns and the ground rumbles and we wait to see them go to London and on our way home we fossick around in the coal pits to steal as much as we can hide in our pockets, but we have to sneak into the flat and mix the stolen lumps with the coal already in the scuttle because Mum mustnt find out or shed make us take it all back, and anyway weve got to have it because of the cold at night and theres been no parcels from Australia for ages so we dont know what to do for something special,