Back in the Rain

by Elen Chase

  "Who are you running from?" he asked. A good way to ask the same thing differently.

  "The Chief wants me dead."

  "Who is the Chief?"

  "I don't know… Mr. Smith would call him the Chief."

  "Is this all he knows?" Dan asked Bill.

  "Yeah."

  "We need to talk. Drew, let's go."

  "You go first," I said. I couldn't help stare into that man's crazy eyes. "I want to speak with him alone."

  Dan touched my shoulder and I turned to look at him. He seemed worried.

  "It won't do you any good," he told me.

  "I need to talk with him more."

  "We'll watch you from a security camera," said Bill. "If you need anything, wave your hand."

  "Alright," I said, still looking at Dan. He seemed to understand my determination and left the room with Bill. When I was alone with Cruise I felt a lot of tension building up.

  He looked at me smiling and said, "Who are you?"

  Again I was tempted to kill him; I was at the boundary between hate and pity. "Your Dipsa killed my girlfriend." Now I was absolutely sure of it. And it hurt desperately.

  "I see," he smiled widely, with his eyes fixed on me. "You are an ant."

  Again with the metaphor from before.

  "And what are you?" I asked him.

  "A snake," he said. "I don't follow your rules anymore. I own death."

  "You're just insane."

  "You can't see. You're still an ant." He looked like he wanted to explain something to me. "When an ant dies, what does it leave behind? A thousand more that keep repeating their lives in circles."

  "And what does a snake leave behind?" It was stupid of me to try to understand what he was saying. So far it was only hurting me.

  "Death. A silent, beautiful death. Like Dipsa, it runs through your veins, slowly steals your touch, your smell, and stops your heart as your anesthetized mind loses consciousness. What proof do you have that you existed? Her death is the proof I need for myself."

  "You kill so that you can prove your existence?" I was feeling nauseous.

  "You should experience how it feels. Become a snake, kill me now." He didn't make sense. "Take her existence back from me." I knew that he didn't make any sense. "Set her free." It made no sense, yet my hands moved to his neck. Was that what Shallie went through? She couldn't feel, or smell, and from afar looked at her heart stop? Unable to say anything, alone, so far from home. So far from me.

  "Drew, stop!" I was brought back to reality by Dan's voice, and I heard a strong pain in my back from being pushed to the floor. As soon as I realized what was happening I looked around, terrorized by the thought of having really killed him. Fortunately they had stopped me in time. Cruise was on the floor, coughing and laughing with Bill standing close to him. Dan grabbed my arm, and when I stood up he brought me out of the room, where Nick was waiting for us. He left me with Nick and went inside again, slamming the door behind his back, without a word. Nick led me to the studio room we were in before, and when I sat on the sofa he gave me a glass of water to drink.

  "Fuck, man," he said. "Did you plan that?"

  I shook my head and drank all the water at once.

  "He told me how she died. How the poison works," I said, trying to understand myself what was happening to me.

  Nick sat close to me and patted my shoulder. "Must be fucking nerve-wracking, ah?"

  "I'm not a murderer," I said, and it sounded like a lie. I took my head in my hands.

  "'Course you're not. I can tell, you're a good kid." Nick passed me another glass of water. "Can't always be fucking perfect. We all screw up now or later."

  "Thanks," I told him, but I wasn't feeling better at all. To keep my mind occupied, I listened to his stories about his wife, until Dan came into the room. He had some red stains on his shirt.

  "Is that blood?" I asked.

  "Don't worry. It's not mine."

  "No, don't hurt him… not after what I did..." My head hurt, and I felt like I was about to vomit. I had no right to play the moralist now. Dan took my face in his hands and forced me to look at him.

  "What did he do to you?" he said, passing his thumbs on my cheeks. I reflected on it for a long instant. What did he do to me, really?

  "Nothing," I had to admit. "I did it all by myself."

  Chapter 28

  I spent two days in bed unable to get up. I was still in shock for what I did to that man, I was having a moral crisis due to the trust I had ended up putting in that sort of mafia gang, and I wasn't ready to see Dan fit so well in that picture. I was so depressed that not even Sara's food could cheer me up. On May 17, Nick came to visit. I was alone at home so I was planning to just let the intercom ring until he went away, but he was so persistent I was forced to open the door. He didn't look so much like a scary guy in his normal clothes, and he also brought a gift.

  "Some cookies my wife baked, the best in the world," he said, smiling proud. He really was a nice person after all. I wondered why he worked for those people. "So, I hear you're pretty down since the other day," he told me.

  "I’ve been better," I said, giving him a beer can from the fridge and taking one for myself. "Dan told you?"

  "Yeah, but only 'cause I asked." He wasn't swearing as much as the other day. Maybe he was holding back?

  "Nick, why do you work for Bill and Jim?"

  "Kid, I'm not the sharpest tool in the shed. There aren’t many jobs I can do down here, and in the end, working in a factory I'd have more or less the same risks of dying as I have working for Bill. If I have to choose, I'd rather die for someone I respect."

  "Is it worth it?"

  "'Course it is. We're like a big family, you know. We were just a bunch of street brats picking fights with anybody, and Bill gave us a place to belong. I wouldn't have even met my wife if it wasn't for him."

  "Those drugs kill people."

  "Anything that's good kills people. Cigarettes, alcohol, junk food, sugar..."

  What he said made sense. Like Jim had told me, they sold things to people who wanted to buy them. Still, it felt wrong to think that. "I don't know what to think. I have always had what's right and what's wrong clear in my mind, and since I came here it's all mixed up. Even if I thought I was better… " I stopped myself.

  "Better than us?" he finished my sentence, and I felt like shit. "Fucking Uptown boy. I used to beat the shit out of guys like you. You think you're better 'cause you studied and had a maid wiping your ass 'til high school? Doing drugs is bad, leave it for those poor failed scumbags there in Downtown, and become a respectable person. You have no idea how many ‘respectable people’ like you I saw on their knees for a dose." I couldn't look him in the eyes. "You're no better than me or anyone else, kid. This is not a fairy-tale, welcome to the real world. Feel guilty that you almost killed the guy? Fuck it, he deserved it. You want to avenge your girlfriend? You have to dirty your baby hands, get over it."

  I had already heard all of that from Jim some time before. I didn't like it, and I didn't want to believe it, but it was the truth. Dan had told me that he liked that my world was still clean, but what I did to that man made me realize I was just pretending it was. I was pretending to be better than what I really was. I played the part of the one who couldn't stand the drug business, yet I used it to get what I wanted. I said cruel things to Dan, blamed him for the way he lived, and made him believe that I was superior to all of that. And I looked at him from above, judging him, saying “you're not like Jim,” as if I needed to forgive him, allow him in my “good people white-list.” What a self-righteous hypocrite I was. I thought I was trying to improve that side of myself that judges everyone, yet I failed miserably. I could never be a hero in an adventure book; my dad was right to tell me that when I was a kid. Because real life is not a book at all. Life is cruel. “It bends you to the breaking point,” Shallie had told me. Who wins then? If I expect this world to be perfect I can only end up suffering. I just have to accept it, r
ight? The winner is the one who can live accepting the vices, the dirt, the hurt of this world, and compromise. This world is cruel. It killed Shallie. It killed my sister. It took Dan away from me. The Utopian future I dreamed of as a kid was just a lie. It's time to change. It's time to accept the truth. We all struggle to get what we want, whether it is good or bad. We just have to make the most out of life, as long as we have a life to cherish.

  "You know what?" I told Nick. "He really deserved it, that piece of shit."

  "Of course he did," he said, laughing and giving me a slap on the back so strong it almost made me throw up my beer. I felt free, really free, like I had never been. I started to enjoy our conversation enthusiastically like a kid.

  "You're a nice guy, Nick," I told him, "but I still think Jim is an asshole."

  "Ha-ha-ha, fine by me," he said. "Just use him and don't think about it. Don't really like him either."

  "Isn't he your boss?"

  "I only follow Bill. But if Bill is the heart of the group, Jim is the head. Gotta bear with him."

  "And Dan? What is he for your group?" I had been wondering that for a while, and finally I wasn't scared to ask anymore.

  "Lemme think, he started hanging out with us when we were third years. He wasn't really getting into fights with us, but he was always there, like our baby brother. In a few years the new kids were dead scared of him, though."

  "Why?"

  "One time some guys from another gang made Bill believe they had kidnapped Dan, and he went there alone to take him back. In the end it was just a trap, and they took Bill instead. When Dan found out he beat the crap out of one of them, 'til he spit out where they were keeping him. It was quite brutal, blood everywhere, broken bones, the kids weren't used to it."

  "He did that for Bill?" I had no idea why I felt so shocked about it, and also fairly disappointed.

  "Well, you know."

  "No, I don't know."

  "They had quite a thing going on at the time." That’s it. There was something in the air when they were together. "But they broke up soon after that."

  "I see. You know why?"

  "No idea. But last time I saw Dan he had a girlfriend, quite a beauty too."

  "Yeah, I know her."

  "My wife is way better though."

  Dan came back home minutes after Nick went away. He asked me how I was doing and went to the kitchen to make something to eat. I gathered all the courage I had and while he was washing the vegetables I hugged him from behind, passing my arms around his shoulders.

  "I'm sorry, Dan," I told him. "I lied to you. I was playing the ally of justice, like when we were kids. I'm not as good as you think. I realized just today. My world is not clean, but I wanted you to believe that. I always feel like a better person when I see myself through your eyes."

  "You did nothing wrong, don't apologize to me," he said, touching my arm with his hand. It was wet and cold, still the gesture gave me a great warmth. "You're doing all you can, and you're really putting yourself on the line. Your Shallie would be proud of you."

  "I'm going crazy, Dan. Shallie was really poisoned, and I don't know if I should be happy about it, since she didn't have her heart carved out with a knife like the other girls from sixty years ago. I ask myself what she felt while dying; she must have been so scared." Keeping that to myself was too heavy, and I naturally ended up wanting to share it with him. "Cruise said the poison steals your sense of touch and smell, paralyzes you as you stay conscious, making you unable to move while it stops your heart." In the silence of the kitchen, over the noise of the water running from the sink, I unexpectedly heard a small sob. "Dan?" I called him, and released the hug to look at him. "You're crying." He immediately dried his tears with the back of his arm and shook his head. "Is it for Shallie?" I asked.

  "It must be the onions," he said, smiling at me. He was always so sensitive compared to me. I was happy he cried for her. It felt like he did it for me too.

  "Shallie would have loved you," I told him.

  "Really?"

  "She always believed you and An never left me. She was right. Well, she was almost always right."

  "Drew, why don't we go somewhere? Tomorrow." That was really out of the blue.

  "Eh? So suddenly? And the research?"

  "The research can wait. Come on, we can do whatever you want." He wanted to cheer me up. It was so cute of him.

  "Okay, so… can we introduce Chloe to Sean?"

  "… Is this what you want to do?"

  "It's the first thing that came to my mind." It would have been fine to just spend a day alone with him at home, though. I regretted not having asked that, so I tried to make up for it. "We can go out for dinner, with Sara too. But during the day, maybe, we can just stay here."

  "You win," he said finally, and went back to the food.

  Chapter 29

  Sean, Chloe, Sara, Dan and I met up at a pub close to Chloe's apartment, between Downtown and Uptown. Despite the confident attitude he showed last time, Sean couldn't speak a word in front of Chloe and just kept standing there in awe.

  "She's even more beautiful than I remembered," he whispered to me with a dreamy smile on his face. Sara and Chloe were talking normally and they almost seemed friends. Chloe had stopped provoking her, and Sara was trying to give her a chance.

  I decided to start acting as a wingman for my friend and said, "You know, Chloe, I think you and Sean met already at the University Festival." As soon as I said that I realized it wasn't a smart move. I basically confessed to her that I set up that dinner because he wanted to see her.

  Dan looked at me like I was a total noob, and said, "You were running a cafe, right?" diverting the attention on her again.

  "Yeah, did you come to the stand, Sean?" she said with her usual sexy smile. I could see steam coming out of his ears.

  "Y— y— yes! I loved yo— your stand! The stand was lovely." Sean was so readable I almost felt sorry for him.

  "Thanks. But I don't have many good memories of it," she said.

  "Eh? Why?" he asked.

  "I was still trying to get over a guy who dumped me a while ago, an awful story." That woman was a fox. Dan almost breathed his drink out of his nose. But a part of me couldn't help finding it hilarious.

  "What? I can't believe anyone could leave a girl like you! He must be a real dork."

  "Oh yes, he is," she said, giving Dan a sly smile.

  "But I'm sure you didn't have any problem with finding someone else," said Sara.

  "Honestly," said Chloe, "I dated a couple of guys since then, but only one really caught my attention." She looked at me, and I wished with all my heart she wasn't talking about me. "You know what happened? I gave him my ID, he called me and invited me to a weekend in a wonderful cottage in the woods... and guess what? He completely ignored me!" I was seriously choking on my beer at this point. Dan gave me a “serves you right” look.

  "Maybe you have to change strategy," Sara told her "You’re too aggressive."

  "No, in this case I think he doesn't swing this way anymore."

  "Ehhh?" I said, now dropping my food from my mouth. Sara couldn't hide a grin on her face.

  "He was all over his best friend during all the trip," continued Chloe.

  "I absolutely know what you mean!" said Sara, and I could tell she was talking about when she found us in our room that morning.

  "I'll go get another drink," said Dan.

  "Running away?" I whispered to him, and he froze me with a cold stare.

  "I'll come with you," said Sean.

  "Thanks, Sam."

  "It's Sean, but..." and they left to go to the bar.

  "You girls are having too much fun tonight," I told them when it was just the three of us, and they looked at each other and giggled.

  "Sorry, we actually planned that," said Sara.

  "Why did I encourage you to become friends?" I said.

  "Whoa, whoa, friends is a bit too much now," said Chloe.

  "Yeah,
we're definitely not friends."

  "Whatever, I'll never understand women," I gave up.

  "Here's the second round," said Sean coming back with the drinks.

  "Yay, let's drink!" said Chloe, "Why don't we play a game while we're at it?"

  "What kind of game?" I asked, worried she'd bring up something troublesome again.

  "Spin the bottle!"

  "Eh? But we're in a pub, we'll get arrested!" said Sara, clearly shocked.

  Dan chuckled to himself and said, "No, Sara, Chloe meant the soft version of the game, the one in which you kiss the other after you spin the bottle."

  "Oh, fine then, I was getting scared there."

  "What kind of ‘spin the bottle’ are you guys used to playing?!" said Sean and I, talking at the same time.

  "Okay, just in case someone doesn't know the rules: we spin the bottle twice, and the two people selected by the bottle have to kiss. If you say no the penalty is doing whatever the others ask you to. Ready?" said Chloe, and we started playing. The first ones to be chosen were Sara and I, and we both accepted. It was the first time I was kissing someone after Shallie disappeared, yet probably thanks to the alcohol it felt perfectly fine; it was nothing more than joking around. After that Sara was chosen again, this time with Chloe. Between one round and the other we were drinking a lot. Then it was my turn with Sean.

  "I'm all yours, my friend," said Sean.

  "No fucking way!" I spoke without even thinking.

  "Wooo, we have a penalty here," said Chloe, clapping her hands. "Let's spin to see who decides the penalty." Sean was chosen again to decide the penalty too.

  "Ha-ha-ha, you'll regret turning me down!" he said with a sadistic smile. "Drew, share with us your most secret sex fantasy."

  "Oh, nice one," said Chloe.

  "Yeah, nice one, Van," said Dan.

  "It's Sean, by the way."

  "Alright," I said, thanking again the alcohol a hundred times for being drunk enough to really answer that question, "small and dark places."

  "Like?" asked Sara.

  "Cars, toilets, elevators, closets, basements, but most of all… storage rooms. The smaller and dustier they are, the better."