Back in the Rain

by Elen Chase

  "When I was bringing you here you seemed pretty taken by him."

  "It was just a moment of weakness, or something like that."

  "Ah-ah."

  "Ah-ah what? I'm not even gay."

  "That's good to hear," he said, "because I want him back." He made me miss the target again.

  "What the fuck Drew, next time I'm putting a hole in your head!" screamed Steve again.

  "Why are you telling me this?" I asked, finding myself jealous like the first day we arrived there. And in those twenty days I spent avoiding him, I was sure I was forgetting him. What an idiot I had been.

  "I wouldn't have any problem stealing him from you," said Bill, "but since I've come to respect you a lot more recently, I thought I'd ask you. I want him back."

  "That's not really a question."

  "The question is if you're gonna interfere or not."

  "I have no reason to stop him, if it’s what he wants."

  "You say so, but you're holding him back."

  "How?" I asked. "I haven't even talked to him in almost a month."

  "Listen, we broke up three years ago. And yet even after that, every single time I went back to Downtown we've been seeing each other." He adjusted my aim and this time I hit the target. "I'm talking about sex."

  "Yes, I got that," I said, nervous, "and?"

  "And this time is different," he said. "That's why I am saying you're holding him back."

  "I don't give a shit about him," I said, putting back my gun, saying those things more to convince myself than Bill. "You can tell that to him too," I added. Bill smiled.

  "Perfect," he said, "don't wait up for him tonight." He whispered to me, patting my shoulder, and then he left.

  I went on with my training until evening, and later I accepted to go eat and drink with the guys of the group. I hoped to get drunk enough to fall asleep as soon as I got home, so that I wouldn't think of Dan and Bill together. In the twenty days we hadn't talked to each other, I had plenty of time to think about our fight, mostly at night, when I wasn't busy doing something else. I understood that he told me those things hoping to keep me away from him. He had become like that, living in Downtown; he would distance himself from anyone who was getting too close. He did it with me, as well as with the old lady and Chloe. He hurt me pretty bad, so he sure got what he wanted. The question was: was I okay with it? Did I really want to lose him like that? After all we went through together… I don't want to lose him. That thought tormented me all the time, and I couldn't listen to a word the others were saying. On my third cocktail I was finally starting to lose my head, and I decided to go home. Going out of the bar in front of the facility, I saw Dan and Bill close to the main entrance, on the other side of the street, kissing. They didn't see me since they were too busy eating each other’s face, but seeing them made all my effort to not think of them go to the dogs. I was furious. I walked home kicking garbage and damning whatever I saw on the street. When I went inside, the apartment was so tidy it made me wanna puke. I kicked the table and chairs to the ground and opened the fridge looking for more booze. I found a bottle and gave in to the alcohol, ready to drink myself to death if it was necessary to forget about Dan. But I couldn't get him out of my head. I was sitting on the floor in the dark, drinking that shit I found in the fridge, when suddenly I heard the door open. It was him.

  "Don't turn the light on," I screamed when he came in. He came forward, looked at the mess I did in the kitchen, and remained silent for a while.

  "The stuff you've been drinking is strong. Look at you." I felt disgust in his voice, and that only made my rage grow. Those were the first words he said to me after our fight.

  "Look at you! I see myself very well, I'm out of my mind. I'm the stupid one who can't do anything right, while you have everything under control, like always!"

  "You're not making any sense. You're drunk."

  "Yes, I am!" I jumped on my feet, got close to him and for a second I was tempted to punch him, but instead I pushed him against the wall, my hands on his shoulders.

  "What's your problem now?" He argued. "I-"

  "I saw you," I was angry as hell. "I saw what you did."

  "Then what?"

  "I don't like it," I said, desperately. I could feel his breath on my skin, his smell, which drew me to him. "I hate all of this," I said slowly, and got even closer to his face. I could see him holding his breath now. "All that I saw you do, it makes me feel sick. All that flirting, smiling, and having that guy all over you! I can't stand it. Did you have fun tonight?"

  "What?"

  "You looked like you were enjoying yourself."

  "Drew, you seriously drank too much."

  "Give me an answer! Do you like it? When people look at you like a sex toy. When they touch you like they've known you forever? When you whore yourself out for money or information?"

  "Drew… this is not..."

  "What if I did the same to you?" I hissed. "I want to have fun too." He was disoriented by my words, but I didn't give him time to think. I kissed him. I was thirsty. I forced my tongue inside his mouth, licked his lips, bit them. He didn't respond to my kiss, but he didn't reject me either. Encouraged by that, I moved to his neck, biting stronger and stronger.

  "Dan… be mine."

  "Drew, stop, you're drunk." This time he tried to push me away.

  "I'm not stopping. I want you," I passed my hand around his neck and pulled his hair just enough to lift his head up and have his eyes meet mine. He was as beautiful as I remembered. How I had missed looking at him. I lost myself in his eyes, completely overwhelmed.

  "You don't know what you're doing," he said with a cracked voice.

  "What about you? What do you think you've been doing until now?!" I almost screamed in his face. "You have no right to give this body to anyone. It's not yours to throw away." I took a short breath. "It's mine." I calmed down a little. "It was supposed to be mine right from the start… You were supposed to be mine right from the start." His eyes were wide open and fixed on mine. He spoke no word, but he stopped fighting me and lowered his arms. My head was in a state of confusion; I had no idea where all of those things I said came from. But my body wouldn't stop. I took his face in my hands and kissed him again, and this time, unexpectedly, he responded to my kisses. He passed his fingers through my hair and pulled me closer. He licked my tongue and sucked it; he was exploring my whole mouth. He drew me past the point of no return, and I lost any sense of reason. I had only him in my head: his kiss, his body. And the growing desire to make him mine.

  "Take it then," he said, between one kiss and the other. "Take anything you want." My heart skipped a beat. I couldn't resist those words. I grabbed his hand and led him to his bedroom. Inside the room I stumbled upon a chair and made a lamp fall, but neither of us was bothered by it. We fell on the bed, and I was almost ripping off his clothes in search of his skin. He started undressing me too, and I could feel my body burn in every spot he touched. When I finally got rid of his shirt, I nuzzled at his chest, licking and biting into him. I sucked his nipples, which were small and hard. I loved how his body tensed up, reacting to my actions. I took my time enjoying his skin, soft like silk. I loved its taste and I could still smell his body wash on it. It was the same I was using, but on him it was enough to inebriate what was left of my dumb senses. I wanted to eat him up. Breathing heavily, we sat on the bed, I took away his pants and he did the same. I was happy I was drunk enough not to be embarrassed of showing him how turned on I was. And I could see that he wanted me as much as I wanted him. When we were completely naked, I hugged him, pushing him down on the bed, and pressed my body on his, so that we could feel each other’s excitement. He wrapped a hand behind my neck, pulled me closer and kissed me again while moving the other on our erections, rubbing them together. That fire burning through my belly felt so good I couldn't hold back a little scream. He guided my hand on his, so that I could set the pace, and I increased the speed making that throbbing ache grow m
ore and more. His face, panting under the weight of my body, was just too sexy. "I want you. I can't hold back anymore," I said, and I noticed hesitation flashing in his eyes.

  "Drew, wait." Had he changed his mind? I didn't want to hear it.

  "No," I couldn't stop anymore. No reasons, not that night. "I want you," I said again, almost pleading, "I want all of you, now." After twenty days without even seeing his face, I had gone completely insane.

  "Dre—"

  "Shh," I shut him up with a kiss. "Please, just be quiet and let me have you."

  He stopped complaining and moved on one side, turning around and showing me his back. I slowly caressed it, got my head on his shoulder and kissed the tattoo he had at the nape of his neck. I could feel he was startled by it, but he never turned around to look at me.

  "It makes me so angry, Dan," I said, whispering, gently kissing his back. "How many people kissed your skin like this? Did you like it? Did you hate it? Did it hurt?" Again I got no answer; he grabbed the pillow and buried his face in it. Somehow I took that as a signal I could go all the way. I couldn't wait any longer. I felt I was about to explode. I went inside him slowly, yet putting it in felt tight, and it hurt more than I thought it would. His body was trembling, and I could hear him groaning. I was hurting him, I knew that, but in that moment I was just too drunk to realize it. But he never asked me to stop, not even once. When it was all in, I took a deep breath and enjoyed that strange, powerful feeling. "I'm moving," I said, and thrust into him. It was a new sensation for me. Compared to my experience it was tighter and harder to move, but it felt amazing. "Dan, it feels so good inside of you," I told him. "It's so hot." I knew I wouldn't last long. "It feels so good." I increased the speed more and more, feeling my pleasure growing until I finally let it go and came inside him. All the time he held on to the pillow, muffling his own screams. Still captured in that web of intense, wonderful sensations, I touched his chest, hugged him and lay on him falling on one side, resting my head between his neck and his shoulder. Going out, I felt his body shake, and then relax. Breathless, I closed my eyes, tucking my face on his back, wet from sweat. I tried to turn his face to me, I wanted to kiss him and touch him, but he wouldn't let me. He was on his side, his face still on the pillow. Despite the sense of guilt for being an egotistical bastard, I hadn't felt so at peace with myself in a long time. He was mine, finally, all mine.

  That night I had a dream. We were still little kids, and Dan was inside the playhouse, the one in the park at the end of the street. He was crying, small and fragile. I was on my knees, looking at him through the little window; I thought I could break him if I touched him. I reached out to him and dried his tears with the back of my hand. He looked at me and came close. Then he kissed me. A soft kiss, so gentle and light. I could sense his tears on my face. And I felt all his sadness.

  Chapter 41

  I woke up the next morning hurting all over. My head was pulsing with pain, and my mouth was dry. Memories from the night before were rushing through my head. The only thought I could formulate clearly was “what the fuck have I done?” Dan wasn't in bed next to me. I was glad he wasn't there. I wouldn't have known how to act around him, waking up together, naked, after what happened. Now that the effect of the alcohol was gone I was in shock, and wondered what could have possibly gotten into me to end up that way. I was jealous, that was obvious; but from those words that came out of my mouth so naturally while kissing him, I could understand how deeply what he had told me during our fight hurt me, and how violent my reaction was. He had told me I was nothing for him, and I let all my rage out so that I could prove the contrary. And that was just the beginning; I never liked the way he treated his body. I wanted him to stop. No, not just that. I wanted to burn down his past and erase it. Force myself on him to make him forget all that happened to him. Hurt him so much to make him mine, to destroy all the suffering that came before me. That's what I wanted. But what was the result?

  I hurt him way too much, seriously. I wasn’t so oblivious that I didn’t know people need to be prepared before anal sex. Doing it with no lube was absolutely crazy. I was sure that's what he wanted to tell me when I shut him up. Also, I was very irresponsible and egoistic. I could think only of myself, of my own pleasure, and I didn't even look him in the eyes after that. How could I do such a thing? That never happened to me before; I had always been very considerate of my partner. Was it because I was drunk? Or was it because it was him? Either way it's unforgivable. What is happening to me? I can't recognize myself anymore.

  If someone had told me just a few months before that I would have sex with another guy, I wouldn't have believed them a bit. But I knew what I wanted the entire time, and it didn't feel weird or gross. I really wanted him, all of him. What I felt for him was chemical, and it was like it was meant to be that way. Did my sexual orientation change completely? Was it just a phase? I was scared to find out.

  I decided to go have a shower before he came back home. As the time passed, I found myself scared that he wouldn't come back at all. I dragged myself to the kitchen and put the table and chairs back that I had kicked down the night before. My head was still hurting a lot. I sat down to drink a glass of water, when he opened the door. His hair untied, he was wearing a white t-shirt and jeans, and he was carrying the plastic bag from a pharmacy. I was so happy to see him.

  He came inside in silence, and sat on the other side of the table. I looked at him; I could tell he was feeling awkward, but he was trying his best not to avert his eyes. Under his t-shirt, the marks of my teeth were very visible and still red.

  "I have a hangover," I said to break the silence between us. I missed talking with him. He took a glass jar out of the plastic bag, mixed the powder in it with water and handed the glass to me.

  "This should help," he said. I drank it without even knowing what that was. The taste was awful.

  "Thanks," I said. "Are we... gonna talk about it?" I asked at last, and I regretted it a second later. Dan looked at me with the same pure eyes he had when we were little. Just like those days, he was apparently calm and controlled. I couldn't hold his stare for too long.

  "You mean how you basically raped me last night?" Hearing that word was like a punch in the face. I felt horrible. "Is there really something to say about it?" He asked, calmly.

  "I want to apologize," I said, looking at my hands to avoid his eyes. "But I understand if you can never forgive me," I added.

  He took a breath and said, "Look, I'll let you get away with it. I’m the one who let you do that. I want to believe you would have stopped, if I asked you to."

  I wanted to believe that too. But would have I really stopped? I had no idea.

  "I'm sorry. I didn't know what I was doing."

  "No, you didn't. Just out of curiosity, are you such a brute to everyone or did I get a special service?" he said with a sarcastic tone that I found completely out of place. Dan the asshole was back. However, this time I totally deserved it.

  "I'm not like that… I… did I... hurt you so bad?" The dumbest question I could ever ask, but I didn't know what to say at that point.

  He nervously rubbed his temples and said, "You... I really want to beat you right now… of course you hurt me. But it’s fine, I'm used to it. It could have been worse." Now I really felt like dying.

  "I'm so sorry. Also I was so… irresponsible.” I glimpsed at him and our eyes met. “Dan, I swear, I’m clean."

  Dan just snorted.

  “What?” I said.

  “You are telling me that you’re clean. You, a former hypochondriac who slept with only one girl in his whole life.”

  “What's that got to do with anything?”

  Dan shook his head. “Drew, of course you are clean. Maybe you should be worrying about catching something from me instead.”

  “No, I don’t think so.”

  “Why? You know nothing about my sex life.”

  “I know that you’d never risk my health. That’s one thing I’m s
ure of.”

  Dan opened his mouth as if trying to say something, but then he bit his lip and just nodded. "Anyway," he said in the end, “how are you feeling?”

  "Me? Well... it sort of hurts. You know, my..."

  "I know, it's normal, considering how you did it. I tried to—"

  "Tried to tell me, I know," I said. "I'm sorry, I was an egoistic piece of shit. I could only think of myself," I added.

  "At least someone had fun in the end."

  "I'm sorry you didn't... I mean... Do you need a hand?" I felt so mortified I could have died.

  "You're really getting into it. Just to make it clear, nothing changed between us. I'm neither your boyfriend or your lover. I don't need your hand, thank you."

  "But it must be horrible, being left like that."

  "I can handle that much. Doing that job, do you think things like this never happened? Like the client who says ‘sorry, I just can't wait.’"

  "Please, don't do this. Don't talk about me like I was one of your clients. Blame me and hate me if you have to, but please, don't make me feel like I was just one of them for you."

  He moved his gaze away. For an instant, a shade of sadness appeared on his face. "You're not."

  "Why, Dan? Why did you let me do that to you, even when you knew I would hurt you? You could have just punched me in the face. Even though I'm still weirdly happy you didn't."

  "How can you so easily admit something like that… If you want a reason, it's because I told you that you could do anything you wanted," he said, serious. "But this doesn't change the fact that you're an idiot for how you did it," he added. I was confused by his words.

  "So you're angry at me, but at the same time you didn't stop me because you had simply decided not to?"

  "More or less."

  "So, before I hurt you so bad, sleeping with me was actually what you wanted?"

  "I guess at some point I got into it."

  "Are you sure you're alright leaving things like this?"