Back in the Rain

by Elen Chase

  "Dan… it hurts, doesn't it?" I asked him, putting half of it inside. I could tell from his face he was suffering, but he closed his eyes, bit his lips and didn't let another sound out. "Why do you let me do this?" I said, pushing it all in with a single, strong thrust. This time the pain was so intense he couldn't refrain from groaning. "Why, Dan?" I screamed at him, moving back and forth, "Tell me to stop!" I was forcing myself onto him with all my strength, to the point I thought my ribs were on the verge of breaking. I fell on him, remaining still deep inside. I needed to stop to regain breath, resting my head on his chest. His heart was beating fast, and soon I realized he was crying again. I lifted my head up to look at him.

  What the fuck have I done?

  "Dan..." I whispered his name in pure terror. What did I do to him?

  "D...stop," he sobbed. I moved back to get out of his body when he screamed, "I said don't stop!" I didn't know what to do. "Drew, please, don't stop," he whispered, in tears, "I need this. Take me. Tell me I'm yours. Tell me I'll always be yours."

  "Dan..." I felt so guilty I could have killed myself. "I'm sorry," I untied his wrists, freeing his arms, then I caressed his face and kissed away his tears. "I'm so sorry, Dan." I had sworn to myself I would treasure him, just to end up hurting him again. He touched my face with trembling hands and looped his arms around my neck, hugging me strong. I breathed in his delicate scent and held him in my arms, moving inside again, this time going slow and deep. "Dan, you're mine," I whispered to him, "only mine." Inside his hot body, I was growing closer. "And you will always be, always."

  He needs this. He needs me. As much as I need him.

  "Drew," he called my name, his nails on my back, plunging deep in my flesh. It hurt, and I loved that pain.

  "Can you feel it?" I asked him. "That we're one."

  "Ahh..." He moaned as I brushed his prostate, the way I knew he liked.

  "Do you feel it, Dan?"

  "I… do."

  "How does it feel?"

  "It feels… good."

  "I'm yours too… I'm all yours."

  I turned my brain off entirely, filling my head with the unique sensation of being one with him. Our hearts were connected, along with our bodies and our breaths. It was the first time I was feeling it so much, and I loved that mixture of pleasure and pain we were sharing. We made love like that on the floor for an indefinite time; we couldn't stop that slow ballet of emotions and luxury, not even for a second. It could have gone on forever. I was on the edge, like I was about to come any time now, yet my body naturally waited for him to be ready for it again.

  "Drew..." Dan called my name in a whisper, "let yourself go… with me," and he kissed me. A small touch of his lips on mine and I reached my climax, diving in an orgasm so strong I completely lost contact with reality. When I came to, I was kissing him and crying. He had come again too and was still panting in my arms. I felt incredibly light; all my worries had gone away. I came out and held him stronger, then we lay together on the floor for a while, without saying a word, just looking at each other. Dan seemed exhausted, I thought he would fall asleep any second.

  "Hey," I told him, "why don't we go to bed?"

  "I don't think I can get up," he said, smiling, with a weak voice.

  "I'd take you to bed in my arms, but I'm all broken too."

  "I'm sorry," he said, gently moving his fingers on the red stain on my side. "This looks bad."

  "It's not broken, the doctor said it'll heal on its own," I laid a kiss on his forehead. "You've got some bad bruises too… did you have somebody look at them?"

  "No, I didn't want to see anyone today."

  "Can you have them checked? Just to be sure… I know I have no right to tell you, after I did this to you, but… "

  "I will, if it makes you feel better."

  "Where does it hurt the most?"

  "My back, I think… and I vomited a little blood after I came back. It stopped soon on its own too, so I think I'm fine now." That worried me even more.

  "I should bring you to the hospital."

  "No, I don't want to go," he said and nuzzled his face against my shoulder. "I want to be with you now… I'll go see a doctor tomorrow."

  "Okay…" I told him, but my guilty conscience wouldn't leave me alone. My chest grew heavy, thinking of what an asshole I had been to him. I wanted to apologize again, but all the unspoken words between us prevented me from doing it. I took his hand in mine and brought his arm up to my face, looking at the red bruises the belt left on his wrist. What the hell got into me?

  "You wanted to know why I let you do this," he told me. Was he finally going to open up to me? I got anxious, and a part of me wanted to run away. But I held him stronger instead, ready to listen to him. "Drew, you probably don't realize it, but you are one of those people who naturally attracts others to them. You were like this as a kid, and you're like this now: cheerful, gentle, honest, a little spoiled and absolutely unable to do things on your own. It's impossible not to love you, and it's like this for everyone who knows you." I wasn't expecting it, and I was incredibly flattered and just a little bit offended. "When we were kids I was proud of being by your side. I… admired you, and was also a little jealous of you. You were all I wanted to be." That confession made me smile.

  "You know it was the same for me, right?"

  "Sort of… I did all I could to be someone you and An could rely on. After I came here to Downtown, things changed drastically for me. When I told you I was too ashamed to talk to you again, it was the truth; I just fit too well here, doing something illegal was never a problem for me… soon I realized that's the kind of person I really am. I find it easy to lie, use people, steal, even hurt others to get what I want. The thing is, I'm a liar, Drew, while you’re honest and bright. The more you shine close to me, the more I look dirty. It hurts, yet that's how it should be. Since you came here, I’ve been wanting to keep safe this light you have inside of you… I don't want this world to change you. When I met you again, all I had was a life I didn't want to live anymore… and you made me realize that maybe there's still something good I could do with it. If you could be my starting point... if I could give everything to you, at least until this is over…"

  "Dan, this… " I was sort of shocked.

  "I hate it when you're hurt, angry, or desperate. I hate it when I'm the one who makes you feel that way. That's why it doesn't matter, and it's okay if you hurt me; it's okay if you push it all on me. I can take it, I deserve it, I like it, and I need it."

  "There's no way that's okay," I said through clenched teeth. What the hell was he trying to tell me? Was he just a big masochist or were his feelings for me so distorted he would let me rape him if I wanted? Just thinking about it was painful enough. "Dan, what the hell are you talking about? I feel so ashamed for what I did to you I could die. You have all the right to hate me, you do realize that twice already I have— "

  "It's not like that!" He interrupted me, giving me a worried look. "Drew, I already told you, if I wanted to stop you, I could have done it any time. If I hated it, I wouldn't have ever brought you into my bed after that first time. I’m an emotional mess. I have always been one. It's not your fault."

  "Are you trying to justify me?" I was confused, and guilt was eating me up.

  "No, I'm telling you… I like it, even when it's physically painful… it hurts just enough to make it feel real… to make me forget…"

  Forget what? Ask him, damn it.

  "I’m such a fool," I crossed my arms over my eyes, probably trying to hide my shame. I couldn't bring myself to ask him again. "You're the one that's overestimating me, Dan… You don't have to live for me, please, just live with me. I'm no light, Dan, I'm just another emotional mess. Just like you." My eyes still closed, I felt him leaving my side to sit on the floor. I moved my arms away and sat next to him.

  "Drew, you have no idea…"

  Please, don't start apologizing again.

  "Dan, do you love me?" That came out of
my mouth so suddenly I wasn’t even able to phrase it properly. He turned to me slowly, trembling eyes and parted lips, and looked at me saying nothing for minutes. It took me a while to understand he was completely in shock.

  "Do… do you?" he finally asked me.

  "I… I don't know. I have only said ‘I love you’ to Shallie in my entire life. She was the girl I wanted to marry and spend the rest of my life with, and it just felt natural. If I tried to put into words what you are to me, I could say you’re my friend, my brother, my partner, my lover, the one I always fight with, and the only one who can kill me or save me with just a single word. Each of these things is true, but not enough. Is this love? Or am I living something completely different? If it's different, what is it? I'm quite confused myself."

  "I don't know, Drew… I know nothing about these things…" He was averting his eyes again.

  "There's only one thing I know for sure."

  "What is it?" he asked me. I took his hand in mine and pressed it on my heart.

  I don't want to lose you.

  "You are inside me. You are part of my flesh, you live in my head, you make my heart beat. Let people call it whatever they want… when we were making love before… did you feel this too?"

  He flushed, a small teardrop fell down his left eye in silence.

  "Yes."

  I smiled at him, happy like I had never been before. We had still a long way to go, and lies, pain, regret and doubt were right behind the corner. But we were together.

  That day we shut the world out of our house. I kissed him, hugged him a thousand times. We talked, we laughed, we cried too. We made love, slept, woke up and started over so many times I lost count at some point. I could never get tired of seeing his smile. The touch of his skin, the taste of his lips, the sound of his voice, the warmth of his gaze, his delicate smell… all my senses were captured by him.

  The last time we did it that night, Dan whispered to me, "I don't want tonight to end." He was sweet and fragile, like that day we talked for the first time in the rain.

  I remember caressing his hair and kissing his eyes, telling him, "This is just the beginning anyway," with the first light of day coming through the window. Then I held him in my arms and slept like a baby, longing for the moment we would wake up together.

  Next morning, before my eyes even opened, I was cold. I lazily moved my arm around searching for him in the bed, but he wasn't there. When I got up, it was 11:30 a.m. I looked all over the house hoping to find him in the kitchen or in the shower, but there was no trace of him. So I waited for his return, hoping he had gone to see a doctor like he had promised me. But he never came back. After spending all day on the couch, eating my nails, I finally accepted what deep down I knew from the beginning. If he wasn't in our bed that morning, that could only mean he had left me forever. I had failed. I had failed him completely.

  Chapter 60

  After losing a loved one, it is said that people go through five emotional phases called the five stages of grief. I was well prepared on the subject, considering I had to go through the death of my sister and my girlfriend. What I didn't know was that it was possible to feel all that even when the other person was still alive. After waiting for him to come home, breaking all the plates of the apartment and praying to have him back, I was definitely at the stage of depression. Two days after he left me, I was walking by the streets of Downtown completely destroyed inside, feeling nothing but emptiness.

  Where did he go? And why? Why leave me now? I remembered the urge of his kisses and his words, “I don't want tonight to end,” and I realized he had planned it. In his head, that had been our last night together right from the start. So egotistical of you, I thought. If I looked at myself, I still had the marks of his mouth; his touch was still so close. My stomach knotted.

  Once again, I had been abandoned. When An and Shallie died I was left alone with no one to ask why. Death wouldn't answer me. When he left me for the first time, he never gave me any explanation, and I let him go. Honestly, I regretted it. I thought I had done all I could, but did I really? I was tired of being such a quitter; I had to change, and I had to stand for what was important to me. Even if the answer was going to hurt, I had to know… Because he was alive, and if he really wanted to leave me, he had to tell me why. I couldn't accept staying in ignorance anymore.

  I felt the need to talk with someone about what was going on, so I went to the first person I could think of. I rang the bell like a maniac, until she came to the door.

  "What the hell, have you gone crazy?" said Chloe. "God, what happened to you?" she added as soon as she looked at my face.

  "He left. It's like you said, Chloe, he ran away from me too," I said, and my words finally pulled out the tears I had been subconsciously repressing. She looked at me, sadly, put her hand on my shoulder to comfort me, and invited me in. She made me a hot tea, and I told her everything that happened since Ms. Wilson’s death.

  "There was something strange with him. I should have known, but again I was a spineless idiot. The way he kissed me, it was so intense. He really made love to me like it was the last time. I have to find him, Chloe. I have to know why he does this. I don't understand him, but I desperately want to."

  "I'm perplexed too. I was sure things would have been different with you."

  "It was my fault," I admitted. "I couldn't accept him, and I avoided asking him the truth because I was scared. I lost all the trust he had in me." I should have told him that I was ready to accept anything. No, that wasn’t accurate; I should have been ready.

  "And things are different now?" she asked me. "If you met him now, you wouldn't be afraid anymore?"

  I took my head in my hands, confused. "I have to," I said. "I thought I could leave things alone for a little longer. I thought that if we could just be together, everything would go back to its place. But it wasn't enough… I failed him. I have to take him back before it's too late. I have to find him before I lose him forever."

  "You can count on me," Chloe told me, taking my hand in hers. "I lost him, Drew. Unlike you, I gave up on him. I couldn't be of any help… It's easy to say that it's his fault, that he's been an asshole, that he uses people and runs away from them. But isn't it just an excuse? There's so much more of him that I never knew… I chickened out before even trying to find out. Don't do the same."

  "I won't," I told her. My watchpad rang. It was Sean.

  "Drew, what the fuck, I have tried to call you a thousand times since the day before yesterday," he yelled, clearly out of worry.

  "Sean, I'm sorry, my watchpad was turned off." I did it during the anger stage. "I have things to sort out… Is it something serious?" I wanted to think only of Dan at that point.

  "Yes, we need to talk. I have news about Ms. Wilson and the sect. But I want you to come to see me alone." Ms. Wilson and the sect. It seemed to me like it had all happened months before, when just two days had passed. Chloe wrote on a piece of paper, “I want to come too.”

  "I'm with Chloe now, can I bring her along?" I asked Sean.

  "… alright. Yes, it might be even better if she's there too. I'm at Sara's place now. I was looking for you."

  "Fine, we'll be there soon," I told him. It was strange, he rushed there in person… Was what he wanted to tell me so important?

  "It's just the two of you, right?" he asked again.

  "Yes, but… why?"

  "Just come here and don't say anything to anybody. Got it? Anybody."

  Now I was seriously worried. I even thought it might somehow be a trap, and I was glad I had brought my gun with me without thinking too much that day. Chloe and I went back by car, and I walked in front of her on the stairs, ready to let her escape if needed. Fortunately, there seemed to be nothing to fear. Sara came to open the door for us like normal, even though her face revealed her distress; she was in shock. I took a look at the apartment and everything seemed fine, so I hugged her, worried.

  "What happened? Sean, what did you do t
o Sara?" I said.

  "Sean didn't do anything, Drew," she said, releasing our hug. "Sit down, Drew, Chloe."

  "I want you to listen to this," said Sean, opening some audio files from his watchpad. "It’s calls that came to Domme's line."

  "What does that mean?" howled Domme's voice as soon as he took the call. "You made such a mess and you didn't even find the damn knife?"

  "That bitch lied, she didn't have shit," replied another man, most likely his son, with a hysterical tone of voice.

  "And you had her killed before verifying if she was telling the truth? Just how stupid are you?" screamed Domme. That first conversation ended there. Another call came in soon after that.

  "Boguslav, I heard what happened," said another man's voice.

  "David, my son screwed up. I don't know how to apologize." David. David Jacques, the Chief of the Police. Their leader. The one who started it all.

  "It's not entirely his fault. It seems we had the wrong information right from the start."

  "What do you mean?"

  "It all seemed to match what the Coltens' servants told us… but it wasn't her."

  "Who was it then?" asked Domme.

  "I don't know yet, but I'll find out."

  "What about the butler?"

  "Disappeared. He knows everything, I'm sure of it. That piece of shit deceived us for months. Anyway, tell your son not to worry. We passed it as a robbery. I'll let you know any news."

  "Thanks, David. Bye." The second call ended like this.

  "What the servants had told them was that Ms. Wilson was the master's lover. I found reports about that in the emails the young Domme sent to his father right after the murder, as if he was trying to justify his actions," explained Sean, showing us the text of the emails. "All the servants knew that Colten had a lover he had lost his mind for, and that lover was Ms. Wilson. She used to go alone to his chambers and stay there for a while. She had special access to those rooms that were normally closed to the others. So if an object dear to the master had mysteriously disappeared, the only possible solution was that he had entrusted it to her. This is what the servants told them…"