Disfigured Love

by Georgia Le Carre

  ‘No,’ I said softly. ‘She did not hurt me. She used me because she was lonely. The same way you do.’

  His hand left my body. ‘She took what did not belong to her. I take what is mine,’ he snarled. ‘And if you were not such a fucking child you would know that.’ He stood suddenly over me. I knew he was looking at me with those irresistibly magnetic eyes of his.

  ‘I’m not a child,’ I said.

  He sighed. The sound came from deep within him. ‘Promises are meant to be kept,’ he said, but he was not talking to me. He was talking to himself.

  ‘What promises?’ I asked, but he didn’t want to tell me. They were his secrets. Would the day ever come when he would trust me enough to bring me into his world?

  ‘Open your legs,’ he ordered.

  I did and the sex was undeniably good. As it always was. Then he got up and left. That night I found it hard to sleep. I kept remembering Nikolai’s face when I said goodbye to him. I had to find a way to keep my promise to him.

  Chapter 18

  ‘Some boxes arrived for you,’ Misty said, when I got back for lunch.

  ‘For me?’ I asked, surprised.

  ‘Yeah, dresses I think Guy ordered them from London. You are to choose one and wear it tonight. You are having dinner with him.’

  I stared at her. ‘He bought me dresses?’

  ‘Well, come look,’ Misty encouraged.

  We opened the boxes together. There were five dresses. A long white one with thin spaghetti straps, a green mini dress with round cut-outs at the hem and waist, a slinky oyster-colored knee-length dress, a long black dress with a daringly cut low back and high slits along the side, and a pretty red dress with a little box jacket. There were shoes to match with every dress.

  Misty stroked the dresses longingly. ‘How beautiful. Each one of these must have cost what I make in a whole year.’

  I was shocked. ‘Really?’

  ‘Absolutely. This one with the metal cut-outs is the latest Versace design. I saw it in a fashion video.’

  I took the green dress and held it up against her body. ‘It looks really well with your auburn hair.’

  She looked at me wistfully. ‘Yeah, green is my color.’

  ‘Why don’t you have it?’

  ‘What?’

  I grinned at her. ‘It suits you, so why not?’

  She looked incredulous. ‘You’re giving this dress to me?’

  ‘That’s what it looks like.’

  She laughed. ‘Are you sure about this?’

  ‘Yes.’ I laughed. It felt good to be able to make someone happy.

  ‘Oh my God! I can’t believe I am now the owner of a genuine Versace! Thank you, Lena. Thank you. It’s so generous of you.’

  I touched her. ‘No, thank you. You’ve always been so kind to me.’

  She looked embarrassed. ‘Which one will you wear tonight?’

  I didn’t have to look at the selection. ‘The black one. I’ve never worn black in my life.’

  ‘Goodness! Really?’

  I nodded. ‘Yeah. All I ever had was hand-me-downs.’

  ‘Well, the black one is very beautiful. With your blonde hair it will look stunning.’

  ‘Do you have some lipstick that I can borrow?’

  She hugged her green dress close to her chest and grinned happily. ‘Lipstick? Yes, I have lipstick you can have.’

  ‘Do you have red lipstick?’

  She frowned. ‘Yes, but a softer color might be better for you since you have a complexion like double cream.’

  I smiled. ‘No, today I want to wear red.’

  ‘Red it is.’

  *****

  That evening I poured some of the scented oils I found in the bathroom cabinet into the bath and soaked in the deliciously silky water until it got cold. Then I quickly washed my hair and climbed out. I switched on that amazing invention called the hair dryer and soon my hair was lying in soft waves down my back. Then, wearing no underwear, I slipped into the black dress. Misty had brought the lipstick up for me earlier and I very carefully, taking my time, colored my lips. The transformation was shocking. I marveled at it. My lips looked so big and full and out of proportion to the rest of my face. My mouth seemed to jump out of my face. I wondered if Misty had been right with her advice of keeping it soft. I smiled at myself. No, I didn’t want to be soft and sweet, I wanted to look daring and sexy.

  I chose the red shoes in favor of the black. They were very high, but I found that I had no trouble walking in them. While going down the stairs, though, I did have to clutch at the banister until the last step.

  When I went into the dining room I was surprised to see the table set with vases of blood red roses and lighted candelabras. Mr. Fellowes turned toward me, and his eyebrows shot into his receding hairline.

  ‘Do I look all right?’ I asked nervously.

  ‘You’re a sight for sore eyes, lass,’ he said warmly.

  ‘Is the red lipstick too red?’

  ‘No. It’s perfect.’

  ‘I hope Guy thinks so.’

  ‘He’d be bonkers not to.’

  I laughed, my laughter dying in my throat at the sound of footsteps outside the door. I turned toward the door and Guy was standing there. He stood motionless. We stared at each other. Something leapt in his eyes and then it was gone so quickly I could not be sure I had really seen it. I smiled shakily. His sensual lips twitched. Candlelight reflected on his mask.

  ‘Thank you for the dress and the shoes.’

  He walked into the room and came to stand a foot away. He reached out a hand and touched my lips. ‘Lipstick,’ he said wonderingly.

  ‘Misty lent—’

  He stilled my words by putting his finger across my lips. ‘You look beautiful.’

  The longer he stared at me, the more my skin prickled and small vibrations of heat rippled the surface of my body and pooled at my center. I swallowed hard and he put his hand on the small of my back and guided me to my seat. I sat then watched him take his with easy grace. He was wearing a gray silk shirt, a white dinner jacket and black trousers. He looked very confident and sophisticated. Mr. Fellowes poured wine into my glass and then his. He lifted his glass. ‘To lipstick.’

  I lifted mine. ‘To lipstick.’

  We drank. For some strange reason I felt nervous. I put my glass down. Mr. Fellowes had left the room to bring out the first course.

  ‘Misty says that you told her you think you’ve seen a ghost.’

  ‘Mmm.’

  ‘What sort of a ghost?’ he asked curiously.

  ‘A lady. I can never see her face.’

  ‘Does she frighten you?’

  ‘No, it feels as if I belong to her… A little.’

  ‘What does she do when she appears?’

  ‘She cries for her child.’

  He stiffened; his eyes became suddenly bleak and out of all proportion to what we were talking about.

  I rushed into speech. ‘Mr. Fellowes told me that it might be the Countess Isabella. Her baby died, and even though she left instructions that her heart must be cut out and buried with her child, her husband did not do it so she roams restlessly.’

  He seemed to control himself. ‘That sounds a bit like a Gothic myth.’

  ‘No, it’s on her gravestone. She requested it. We should dig up the baby’s bones and bury it with hers.’

  He looked at me as if I was mad. ‘I will not be doing any such thing.’

  ‘It’s what she wants,’ I insisted.

  Mr. Fellowes came in with our first course. He put down a plate of food too beautiful to eat, and said, ‘Langoustine tails with Parmesan gnocchi and truffle emulsion.’

  ‘Bon appétit,’ said Guy.

  ‘Bon appétit,’ I replied and we ate and drank and afterwards ate jasmine tea-smoked venison, pickled blueberries and black garlic.

  When the meal was over Mr. Fellowes bade us goodnight and left, closing the door behind him.

  Guy stood and came over, to
ok my hand and pulled me upright. Instantly, the air around us changed. I looked into his eyes. Desire, hot and urgent, blazed in them.

  He pulled the bodice of my dress down to my waist exposing my naked breasts to his gaze, and lifting me by the waist put me on the table. Gently, he lowered me onto the table until I was lying on it with my legs hanging down.

  Not taking his eyes off me he fetched the bottle of champagne from the ice bucket and after peeling the gold foil, upended the bottle on me. Chilled liquid foam splashed onto my breasts and chest.

  I gasped, my muscles clenching and contracting against the cold, and he bent his head and licked and slurped at the cool bubbles on my skin. His mouth and tongue were so hot and exciting against my freezing skin, my thighs became wet with my arousal.

  He took the tip of my breast between his teeth and I trembled from head to toe with anticipation and excitement. He bit down to an almost painful degree and tugged upwards pulling me along until I was arched and resting precariously on my elbows. His teeth released my aching nipple. The breath I had been holding escaped in a moan.

  ‘I like it when you moan.’

  I licked my lips slowly.

  ‘Show me,’ he demanded huskily.

  I furled my fingers on the material of my dress at thigh level and slowly, inch by inch, pulled it up and over my hips. His eyes were riveted on my moving hemline. At the sight of my bare sex his eyes rushed up to meet mine.

  ‘Excellent,’ he said.

  I said nothing.

  ‘What comes next...?’

  I raised both legs up, rested my shoes on his chest, and let my legs drop open.

  He laughed. ‘You learn fast,’ he said, staring greedily at my open, swollen pussy.

  Cool air drifted over my naked sex.

  ‘Beautiful,’ he said softly and brought his gaze back to mine. His eyes were like twin flames. Glowing and golden. They were dazzlingly glorious. Something about exposing myself to him ratcheted up my arousal another notch, and my sex started to throb.

  His fingertips landed on my inner thighs. They moved up lightly. Where they touched my skin sizzled. He stopped just before he reached my pulsating core.

  ‘What do you want, little seagull?’

  I shook my head, unable to say a word.

  ‘Nothing to say?’

  I shook my head.

  ‘Do you know what I want?’

  I shook my head.

  ‘I want to hold you wide open and eat you for hours. Then I want to make you come in my mouth and drink your juices, and afterwards I want to fuck you until you sob.’

  I bit my lips.

  ‘Too dirty for you?’

  I shook my head.

  ‘That’s what I thought too.’

  And he bent his head and licked and sucked my pussy until I burst open and climaxed in his mouth and as he had promised he licked it all up and started again with a real and rabid hunger until I was flushed and drunk with sensations and thought my body could not bear another second of his tongue.

  ‘Please,’ I begged, my voice a gentle breeze.

  His eyelids closed a little so they hooded his eyes. Then his fingers tightened on my thighs and his strong hands pulled me to the very edge of the table. ‘You’re so fucking sexy,’ he growled and sank his thick, hard cock in me, and fucked me again and again until I sobbed with release.

  I lay on the table, exhausted, my mind foggy, my dress bunched around my waist, my hair a mess, my breasts exposed, my legs splayed and dripping with his seed, and watched with glazed eyes as he pulled up his trousers, zipped them and did up his belt. I wondered what I must have looked like. Perhaps what I was: a sexual slave who had just been thoroughly used by her master.

  He looked at my open legs and I saw desire flare up, as intense as it had been at the beginning of the night. I waited until his eyes met mine.

  ‘It’s all right if you don’t want to help my brother, but will you at least allow Misty to post the letters I write to him?’

  I saw the expression in his eyes change. I blinked and it was gone. His eyes shuttered and became blank. He moved with deadly grace, quickly away from me. At the door he turned, not fully. ‘Give the envelope to me tomorrow.’

  He was gone before I could thank him.

  Chapter 19

  Hawke

  I walked up the steep curving steps of the tower to the very top. I opened the door and stood for a moment at the doorway looking in. It was a bare room with just a narrow bed, a wooden table and a chair, but it was a place that had soothed me in the past. When I first moved into this castle I spent most of my days here. Alone and drunk.

  Those were the dark days.

  After the accident when the world outside became too much to take, I would sit at the table and drink until I no longer felt any pain, and then I would lie on that uncomfortable bed with its broken springs, close my eyes, and completely empty my mind of everything, but sailing on the wide open ocean. All my concentration would be on the direction of the wind in my sails, keeping the boat upright, and flying through miles of the waves.

  Never would there be anyone but me. I never needed anyone while I was at sea, only the heat of the midday sun beating down on my skin. All my pains, my worries, my fears, and my terrible, terrible fury would simply seep away for a few hours. It would be just me on a little boat completely free and totally connected with the elements.

  But those dark days passed, and I hardly ever needed to come here anymore.

  I closed the door and went to the table. There were only two items on it. A bottle of bourbon and a glass. I sat at the table and poured myself a drink. I knocked it back and welcomed the burn. I poured another drink. Some alcohol spilled on the table. I rubbed my finger in it absent-mindedly. There was pain today. A new kind of pain. A fresh pain.

  I touched my face: it felt vile. The skin was thick and hard, but no sensation at all—every nerve ending had been fried. I could still clearly remember how my skin had curled like the pages of a burning book. For the longest time I didn’t even want to see what my face looked like, or feel it. The transformation was so drastic. I had thought that I would never again care what I looked like. But now my appearance mattered again. And it was because of her.

  The more I pushed her away, the more entangled I became. I was drawn to her like I had never been to anyone or anything. I longed to crawl into her pure, childlike soul and rest a while, but I knew that doing that would only destroy me. Her face shimmered in my mind.

  I quickly knocked back a large shot and followed that with another. I didn’t want to think about her. It was all a fucking mess.

  Half a bottle later, I lay on the bed, closed my eyes and heard again the furious flapping of the sail boat, the sound of the water hitting the hull. The fresh scent of the ocean and the total freedom of being at sea. I looked into the sky and I saw a seagull. It circled me and I opened my eyes.

  Never before had that happened. I was always alone. I was always totally in control. There was never more than me and the elements. And now she had corrupted my only safe haven.

  Chapter 20

  Lena

  The next morning I woke up early, sat at the writing desk and wrote to Nikolai. The letter was five pages long. I knew my father would never allow him to write back, but that didn’t matter, as long he knew I had not forgotten my promise. I sealed it in an envelope and went down for breakfast.

  At the bottom of the stairs I met Ceba coming in from the kitchens. He wagged his great big tail, gave my hand a sniff and a lick, and looked at me with begging eyes.

  ‘I’ll have something for you later,’ I promised, stroking his head. I looked up and Misty was staring at me.

  ‘You’ve made friends with him,’ she said, her tone laced with disbelief.

  ‘Yeah, when we were small my brother and I made friends with a wolf cub.’ I grinned. ‘So I’m good with big, wild animals.’

  ‘Wow! Your life sounds like it must have been a fantastic adventure,’ sh
e said brightly.

  She had no idea. ‘It wasn’t,’ I said quietly. And my tone told her I didn’t want to talk about my past.

  We walked into the breakfast room together.

  ‘Will you see Guy this morning?’ I asked her.

  ‘Yeah, I’m just about to go to his study and give him a report.’

  A report. I wondered what sort of report she was going to give him, but she had categorically told me that she wasn’t going to reveal any information about Guy to me.

  ‘Can you give this letter to him to post? I really want it to go out as soon as possible.’

  She took the letter and looked at it. ‘Russia?’

  ‘Yes, it is for my brother.’

  ‘I see. All right. I’ll give it to him this morning. It can go out with all the lunchtime mail.’

  ‘Thank you.’ I smiled brightly at her. I was so happy. I was making progress. I had a plan. If I could find a way of making a bit of money, by selling some of my clothes or doing some kind of work, I could start to save up and in this way get Nikolai out of Russia. I had no idea how I was going to arrange for his passport or visa or his plane ticket, but I just knew that step by step I would somehow be reunited with my brother.

  *****

  It began to rain that afternoon and I decided to explore the east wing of the castle. Misty told me that that was where the ballroom was. The double doors creaked open and its empty darkness intrigued me and drew me in. I could see the light switches, but I did not use them. Instead I walked into the echoing dim and tried to imagine what this place must have been like during the time of Isabella.

  The patter of my footsteps on the antique flagstones was the only sound in the strange stillness. As if dancing to music I lifted my hands as if they were resting on a man’s shoulders and, holding onto an imaginary hand, I began to twirl around.

  I heard a sound and as I whirled around to face it I was grabbed from behind. I screamed. A gloved hand covered my mouth. How quickly that hand had become familiar to me. I leaned back with relief against the hard chest, no longer afraid.

  It must have only been seconds but it seemed like forever that we stared at each other in perfect silence. His eyes seemed so dark, and the thickly fringed black lashes even more pronounced. Then I blinked and the moment was broken.