—ANN KEKAHUNA
When a body was brought to her funeral home, my friend contacted the next of kin. Per previous instructions, the deceased would be cremated, she told him, so he needed to come in to identify the body.
Considering the task at hand, the relative asked, “Does this need to be done before or after the cremation?”
—JANICE PIERSON
When a water main broke, a customer called my friend at the utility office with this question: “The water in my toilet is brown. Do you think it’s safe to drink?”
—DAVID KEGLEY
“Hargett is still adjusting from working at home.”
Every couple of months I do a bulk mailing for my company, which requires a special form from the U.S. Postal Service. I had a faxed copy of the form that was illegible, so I phoned the post office and asked the postal employee to mail me a new form. “I can fax you the form but I can’t mail it to you,” she replied. “We no longer send mail from this post office.”
—CHRISTY ADAMS
Just for Laughs
“A recession,” claimed the stockbroker, “is when your neighbor loses his job. A depression is when you lose your job. And panic is when your wife loses her job.”
—WINSTON K. PENDLETON
In my role as a human resources officer, I was visited by a staff member who wanted to make a formal complaint about his line manager. The boss had described him as “indecisive”, which he felt was grossly unfair.
As I was helping him prepare his case, I noticed that the appraisal was almost a year old.
“Why has it taken so long for you to come and see me?” I asked.
“Well,” he said. “I couldn’t make up my mind if it was the right thing to do or not.”
—ALEC KAY
My musical director wasn’t happy with the performance of one of our percussionists. Repeated attempts to get the drummer to improve failed. Finally, in front of the orchestra, the director said in frustration, “When a musician just can’t handle his instrument, they take it away, give him two sticks and make him a drummer!”
A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section: “And if he can’t handle that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor.”
—QUINN WONG
My nephew gave up his lucrative job to become a writer. “Have you sold anything yet?” I asked him one day.
“Yes,” he said. “My car and my television.”
—PATRICK DICKINSON
After earning my degree in broadcast journalism, I was fortunate to land a job as a disc jockey at a top-rated local radio station. One day before work, I stopped by my parents’ house, where my mother was chatting with some friends. She introduced me to everyone and proudly mentioned that I had my own radio show. “How is it having a son who’s a popular radio personality?” asked one friend. “It’s wonderful!” Mom replied with glee. “For the first time in his life, I can turn him off whenever I please.”
—TERRY ERHARDT
Near St. Vincent’s Hospital in New York City I noticed two firefighters standing at the door of their ambulance. The window was partly down, and they were talking to a small child inside, instructing her how to open the latch. Nearby, a young mother looked on patiently.
Assuming they had invited the curious girl into the ambulance to check it out and she’d locked the doors by mistake, I said, “She locked herself in, eh?”
“No, we locked ourselves out,” one of the men said. “We borrowed her from her mom because she fit through the back window.”
—GILBERT ROGIN IN THE NEW YORK TIMES
A friend’s daughter worked part-time in his office while she attended graduate school. One morning, a call came in for her. “She’s not in yet,” my friend said. “Can I take a message?”
“I’ll call back later,” the woman answered.
At 11 o’clock, she tried again, and he reported that his daughter had gone to lunch.
The last call came at 3:30. “Sorry, she’s left for the day. Anything I can help you with?”
“Yes,” the caller replied. “How can I get a job with you?”
—JOSH PATE
If your name is on the building, you’re rich; if your name is on your desk, you’re middle-class; if your name is on your shirt, you’re poor.
—RICH HALL
A small display at the fish hatchery where I work describes a now-extinct fish called the Michigan grayling. Last summer, I had the following conversation with a tourist:
Tourist: Is the grayling still extinct?
Me: Yes, sir. It no longer exists.
Tourist: Any thoughts of bringing it back?
Me: I don’t think that’s possible.
Tourist: Why not?
Me: Because it’s extinct.
Tourist: Still?
—RINKWORKS.COM
Every time my construction crew began pouring a concrete foundation, our foreman would repeatedly warn us not to drop any tools into the mixture because we’d never get them out. During one particularly hard job, a coworker asked the foreman how many more minutes it would be until our break. “I really don’t know,” he replied sheepishly, looking down at the foundation we had just poured. “I dropped my watch in there over an hour ago.”
—BRAD VICTOR
I’d just lobbied a Congressman in his Washington, D.C., office when I stopped to use the rest room. After washing my hands, I stepped up to the hand dryer and noticed a note pasted to it. The note said “Push button for message from Congress.”
—MICHAEL BROKOVICH
Light bulb jokes are an innocent way to poke fun—or so I thought. Working as a sound technician, I asked an electrician, who was also the local union steward: “Hey, Mike. How many Teamsters does it take to change a light bulb?” (I expected the classic answer: “Twelve. You got a problem with that?”) But Mike replied in all seriousness, “None. Teamsters shouldn’t be touching light bulbs.”
—TODD PILON
While my fellow “financial services representatives” and I were making phone calls one day, I noticed a colleague bristle at something the business owner at the other end of the line had said. Later, when I asked him what had happened, he frowned. “She called me an insurance agent,” he said, obviously taking offense at the negative stereotypes that go along with that title.
“Don’t kid yourself,” I told him. “You are an insurance agent.”
“No I’m not!” he replied hotly. “I’m a telemarketer!”
—URI ONDRAS
As a writer for one of the less glamorous sections of a newspaper, I also do entertainment features on rare occasions. Once, I was assigned to review a play that hadn’t opened yet. After the rehearsal, I was chatting with the cast and mentioned what I usually do at the paper.
One thespian, shaking his head, remarked, “Oh, great. The play hasn’t even opened yet, and they send in the obituary writer.”
—ERIKA ENIGK
When he blew a wad of money at my blackjack table in the casino, a customer stood up and yelled, “How do you lose $200 at a $2 table?!”
Before I could speak, another customer replied, “Patience.”
—ROBERT GENTRY
The large fire department where I work sometimes runs out of the official forms we use for inspecting equipment. Headquarters will then allow us to create our own forms on the station’s computer.
Once, after composing a replacement document, we sent copies to other fire stations in need of them.
Afterward, we noticed that under the signature line, someone had mistakenly typed “Singed.”
—ALBERT LEGGS
Our supervisor recently made a casual comment about my shaggy mane. He then went on to extol the virtues of a good haircut, which, he insisted, makes an elderly man look younger, and a younger man seem more mature.
“How would a haircut make a middle-aged man like me appear?” I asked, trying to stump him.
“Still employed,” he answered.
&n
bsp; —BRIAN CHEN
A bar in our neighborhood got lots of interesting traffic. Cars swerved into the parking lot, and the drivers would run inside only to reappear minutes later looking confused. One reason might have been the sign outside: “Free Beer, Topless Bartenders, and False Advertising.”
—MARKIE REICHERT
A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, “Your first job will be to sweep out the store.”
“But I’m a college graduate,” the young man replied indignantly.
“Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t know that,” said the manager. “Here, give me the broom—I’ll show you how.”
—RICHARD L. WEAVER II
I returned home from my ninth business trip of the year with a severe bout of jet lag–induced foot-in-mouth disease. As we prepared to go to sleep that night, I wrapped my arms around my better half, gave her a kiss, and announced, “It’s good to be in my own bed, with my own wife!”
—MARIO NASTASI
Cashier: And what form of payment will you be using today? Customer: Money.
—OVERHEADINTHEOFFICE.COM
Expenses were out of control at our data supply company, and our bosses weren’t happy. “When you travel,” the vice president said in a meeting with his sales force, “lunch can’t be expensed. Lunch is a normal employee cost. And while we’re on the topic, your dinner expenses have been way too high.” A rep shouted, “That’s because we don’t eat lunch.”
—CHARLES FENDER
At the Social Security office, I eavesdropped on an interview between a staffer and someone who was applying for benefits.
Staffer: Married or single?
Applicant: Single.
Staffer: Previous marriages?
Applicant: Two.
Staffer: Did either of them end in death?
Applicant: No. Both times I got out alive.
—JOHN K. COLE
I received a letter saying I would not be given the American Express credit card I’d requested because my income wasn’t substantial enough. Oddly enough, I work for American Express.
“Do you want to insure this?” asked the clerk at the post office when I handed her my package.
“Nope,” I answered. “The contents aren’t breakable.”
The clerk wasn’t so sure. “Ma’am, we are professionals. We can break anything.”
—CYNTHIA FRANKLIN
The day before our office’s new computer was to arrive, we got a call: the machine wouldn’t be ready until the following week. Delays continued. Finally, more than a month later a computer arrived—the wrong model. Office management, however, decided to accept it.
Weeks later, a package came with a letter from the computer dealer, apologizing for the inconvenience. To show that they valued our business, they asked us to accept the enclosed VCR. It was a CD player.
—LYNDON OLFERT
“This performance evaluation is getting weird, sir.”
While I was handling the reception desk at a women’s magazine, the children of several employees sat in the adjoining conference room watching an action video. Trucks screeched, horns honked, people shouted, dogs barked, and cars collided. Just then, a bike messenger arrived to drop off a package. He listened to the cacophony emanating from the conference room, and sighed, “Ah, the soundtrack to my life.”
—CHRISTINE ROBERTS IN THE NEW YORK TIMES
After I took a job at a small publishing house, the first books I was assigned to edit were all on the topic of dieting. “Isn’t the market flooded with these types of books?” I asked another editor. “How do we expect to turn a profit?”
“Don’t worry,” he assured me. “These books appeal to a wider audience than most.”
—WILL STEVENS
The pressure of a workday can bring out the weirdness in people. Possibilities for stupidity are endless. Just check out these chats from overheardintheoffice.com:
Boss: You make too many mistakes! You’re not very consistent.
Cube Dweller: Well, you can’t be consistent all the time.
—OVERHEADINTHEOFFICE.COM
I work for a mortgage company where I verify financial information about home buyers. One day I was processing a loan for a psychic reader and needed to confirm his income. In response to my request, I received the following letter from his employer: “He is a subcontractor for our psychic readers group. He is not a salaried employee. We therefore cannot predict his future earnings.”
—VINCENT A. PATTI
When I drove up to the front of our small post office, I was surprised to see plywood covering the area where the plate-glass window used to be. Pasted on the plywood was a sign: “Please leave your car outside.”
—AMY DIETZ
While getting dressed one morning, I decided I’d been spending too much time on my computer: I caught myself checking the lower right corner of my makeup mirror to see what time it was.
—DARLENE JACOBS
Corporations’ lunch time seminars tend to run long. At one particular company, employees need a supervisor’s okay to attend. This led to an interesting memo: “Next Lunch and Learn topic: Who’s Controlling Your Life? (Get your manager’s permission before attending.)”
—LUKE SECOR
A friend of mine plays piano in a local restaurant. One night, I listened to him play “Send in the Clowns,” one of my favorite songs. As he finished, a woman approached him.
“Can you play “Send in the Clowns?” she asked.
My friend shook his head sadly and replied, “Apparently not.”
—ERIC LANE BARNES
My husband and I attended a bridal fair trying to drum up work for his fledgling wedding photography business. One vendor assumed we were engaged and asked when the big day was.
“Oh, we’ve been married ten years,” I said.
“Really?” she asked. “But you look so happy.”
—IONA DORSEY
QUOTABLE QUOTES
“I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.”
—CHARLES LAMB
“Nothing bad can happen if you haven’t hit the Send key.”
—DAVID SHIPLEY AND WILL SCHWALBE IN SEND
“A powerful, compelling visual statement that says ‘Gee, in today’s competitive job market, what can I do to make myself even less employable?’”
—DENNIS MILLER
“His insomnia was so bad, he couldn’t sleep during office hours.”
—ARTHUR BAER
“Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.”
—ROBERT ORBEN
“A raise is like a martini: it elevates the spirit, but only temporarily.”
—DAN SELIGMAN
“Eighty percent of success is showing up.”
—WOODY ALLEN
“I used to work at the unemployment office. I hated it because when they fired me, I had to show up at work anyway.”
—WALLY WANG
“You go to your TV to turn your brain off. You go to the computer when you want to turn your brain on.”
—STEVE JOBS
“I do not like work, even when somebody else is doing it.”
—MARK TWAIN
One night, I stopped my city bus and picked up a drunk woman and her male companion. While the guy sat down in the back near two other men, she regaled me with stories about the great birthday party she’d just had. Finally, she went to take a seat but came back seconds later.
“Umm …” she whispered. “Do you remember which guy I got on the bus with?”
—RICHARD SAWCHIN
Back when I was employed by the state of Michigan, I took a call from an angry worker.
Caller: “Do you know there are no doors on the toilets at our office?”
Me: “How long has this been going on?”
Caller: “At least three months.”
Me: “I can see your problem.”
Caller: “So can everybody else.”
—JAYNIE WELLS
The receptionist for the company where I’m employed found some cash in the office, apparently mislaid by a coworker.
She sent the following e-mail: “If anybody can say where they lost $66, please let me know and it will be returned to you.”
Within minutes one employee replied, “Kentucky Derby, 1986.”
—MILLIE STEELE
Recently a young woman came into my father’s insurance office with her newborn twins.
Dad asked her if she ever had any trouble telling them apart.
She gave him a funny look before responding, “No, I haven’t had any problem. This is Benjamin and this is Elizabeth.”
—BARB MICHEL
“Mitchell, it’s not the fact you found religion that bothers me…”
At our busy stock brokerage, it’s hard to find time for small talk. So I was caught off guard when a coworker leaned over to me and asked, “What’s up, John?” Welcoming a brief break, I told him about my hectic weekend and the trouble I was having with my car. He seemed a little distracted, however. After our conversation ended, I saw him lean over to another colleague. “Hey, Robert,” he said. “What’s the ticker symbol for ‘Upjohn’ pharmaceuticals?”
—JOHN F. HUNT
After someone stole my brown-bag lunch at work, I complained about it to my wife, who offered to make me something wonderful the next day. But as I pulled into the plant’s parking lot, I noticed a guy clearly down on his luck, so I gave him my lunch. I didn’t know there was a note from my wife in the bag:
“I know who you are, and I know where you live!”
—FRANKLIN BENNETT
Rushing from the parking lot into my office in Los Angeles, I was approached by a homeless man.
“Excuse me, can you spare some change?” he asked.
In a hurry but not wanting to be rude, I pretended I didn’t understand him. “No hablo inglés,” I replied.
“Oh, that’s just great,” the guy muttered, as he turned to walk away. “Now you even have to be bilingual to beg.”
Laughter Is the Best Medicine Page 13
