—ANA TURNER
I was vacationing in the South Carolina mountains with a friend who’s a freelance journalist for a couple of small-town newspapers. When she got a call about a car running off a curve and going off the side of the mountain, we hurried to the site. Thankfully no one was hurt. After a quick scan of the spectators, my friend sought out one local man to interview. “Have you lived in this area long?” she asked him. He told her that he had lived here all his life.
Then she asked, “How often do cars go over the side of the mountains?”
“Only once, ma’am,” he replied.
—SHARON MCNEIL
When our U.S. corporation was acquired by a European company, I was asked to work with a team of overseas consultants who would determine the future of our business. I was thrilled by the assignment, thinking it was a great opportunity to be noticed by the new corporate management team. For weeks I was at their beck and call, taking pains to provide them with all the data they needed.
One morning while I was working feverishly, the head consultant stepped into my office. “I understand that you are the key expert here,” he said as he shook my hand.
Flattered by such recognition, I thanked him and launched into a description of all the effort I had expended.
“You don’t understand,” he interrupted, holding up a key. “I can’t unlock my office door.”
—DAVID BAHR
Some of my coworkers and I decided to remove the small, wooden suggestion box from our office because it had received so few entries. We stuck the box on top of a seven-foot-high metal storage cabinet and then promptly forgot about it.
Months later, when the box was moved during remodeling, we found a single slip of paper inside. The suggestion read “Lower the box!”
—FRANK J. MONACO
A coworker in our California office flew to Chicago during a blizzard. He spent hours driving to make his appointment at a suburban office complex. The parking lot was empty, so he pulled up next to the main entrance. As he was signing in, the receptionist looked outside and asked, “Before your meeting, could you move your car off the front lawn?”
—RUSSELL G. GRAHAM
“A book on male sensitivity? Try the fiction section, aisle two.”
During my first trip to Japan, I was taken to a local restaurant. I had been counseled to try everything on my plate so as not to insult my Japanese hosts. They, in turn, were told to be patient with my American mannerisms. Therefore they said nothing as I crunched my way through a tasteless wafer served with my meal. Later I realized we had all taken the advice too far: I had eaten a coaster.
—LAURA PUCHER
I’ve been hauling trash for years, so when the sign “Garbage” appeared on a trash can, I replaced it with my own note: “After 20 years on the job, I know garbage when I see it!” I emptied the can and left.
The next week, a new note appeared on the same can: “Dear Professor Trash, the garbage can is the garbage!”
—STAN GORSKI
Scene: A phone conversation between a client and me—an art director.
Me: Hi. I was wondering if you received the invoice I sent?
Client: Yes, I received it, but I am not going to pay you yet.
Me: Why not? Was something wrong?
Client: No, I don’t need to use your design yet, so I will pay you when I use it.
Me: Well, I still need to get paid now. If a plumber fixes your toilet, you don’t tell him you will pay him as soon as you need to go to the bathroom, do you?
Client: That’s disgusting! My bathroom habits are none of your business, and as soon as I use what you sent me, you will get paid!
—FROM CLIENTSFROMHELL.NET
It was Halloween night when a driver called our road-service dispatch office complaining that he was locked out of his car. I forwarded the information to a locksmith, along with one more detail: The car was parked at a nudist colony.
Of course, the locksmith arrived in record time. But when he called in later, he wasn’t amused.
“Figures,” he said. “I finally get to go to a nudist colony, and they’re having a costume party!”
—NEIL KLEIN
A Rochester, N.Y., firm posted a notice announcing it would pay $100 to anyone who came up with an idea that could save the company money immediately. The first winner was an employee who suggested that the award be cut to $50.
—EXECUTIVE SPEECHWRITER NEWSLETTER
The day I started my construction job, I was in the office filling out an employee form when I came to the section that asked: Single___, Married___, Divorced___.
I marked single. Glancing at the man next to me, who was also filling out his form, I noticed he hadn’t marked any of the blanks. Instead he’d written, “Yes, in that order.”
—BECQUET.COM
The company I work for recently purchased a building that had once been a hospital. Management asked for volunteers to help with some light renovation. I joined up, and my first task was to take signs down in the parking lot.
One read, “Reserved for Physician.” I said to a coworker that I should keep the sign and post it on my sister’s garage door. My friend asked, “Is your sister a doctor?”
“No,” I replied. “She’s single.”
—JOHN ALLEN
While driving through South Carolina, I kept on having to slow down for road repair crews.
To keep the workers safe, the highway department posted a series of signs that read, “Let ’em work. Let ’em live.”
On one of the signs an exasperated motorist had added, “Let ’em finish!”
—JOYCE BURDETT
I arrived at the office early one morning and noticed someone had left the lid to the copy machine open. I closed the lid and settled in for the workday. Over the next few weeks I found someone was continually leaving the lid up. Finally I caught the guilty party, surprised I hadn’t figured out who it was long before. The culprit was Richard—the only male on our staff.
—TRUDY M. GALLMAN
My friend, a grocery store manager, chased a shoplifter through dry goods and frozen foods before catching the perp with a leaping tackle in cleaning supplies. That’s when my friend noticed that all of the customers in line at the cash registers were staring.
“Everything’s fine, folks,” he assured them. “This guy just tried to go through the express lane with more than ten items.”
—PAT PATEL
A famous scientist was on his way to yet another lecture when his chauffeur offered an idea. “Hey, boss, I’ve heard your speech so many times, I bet I could deliver it and give you the night off.”
“Sounds great,” the scientist said.
When they got to the auditorium, the scientist put on the chauffeur’s hat and settled into the back row. The chauffeur walked to the lectern and delivered the speech. Afterward he asked if there were any questions.
“Yes,” said one professor. Then he launched into a highly technical question.
The chauffeur was panic-stricken for a moment but quickly recovered. “That’s an easy one,” he replied. “So easy, I’m going to let my chauffeur answer it.”
—KUMIKO YOSHIDA
When flooding closed the pressroom at a U.S. government office last spring, a spokeswoman remarked, “This is the first time that a leak has stopped the press from writing.”
—RONALD G. SHAFER IN THE WALL STREET JOURNAL
I’m a mechanic who was called to help a stranded motorist. When I arrived, the woman was telling her car, “C’mon” as she tried to start it. She said that the car belonged to one of her children, and that she didn’t know what was wrong with it. I suspected the engine was flooded, so I waited a few minutes before trying the ignition again. Then I, too, said “C’mon” as I turned the key. The vehicle started immediately.
“Great,” said the woman. “Not only don’t my kids listen to me, but they’ve trained their cars not to listen to me either.”
—JOHN PUSHKO
At the bank where I was employed as a teller we were not allowed to eat while working. But one day, five months pregnant, I was ravenous. I opened a bag of potato chips and started to devour them.
Just then I spotted one of our best customers and his wife heading my way. Quickly, I wiped my mouth and greeted them. As I processed their transaction, I noticed they were looking at me oddly.
On their way out, the man said, “I don’t understand these young people.”
“Dear, that’s a fashion statement,” his wife explained. “It’s a new type of brooch.”
I looked down to see what could have caused such controversy. To my horror, a large potato chip was resting neatly on my left shoulder.
—JOANN MANNIX
Conductor Sir Neville Marriner was leading the Boston Symphony at Tanglewood, in Massachusetts. During the final chords of the program many concert-goers would leave their seats so they could beat the traffic. When asked if he was irritated, Marriner reacted with English aplomb. No, he said, he preferred to think that he was being rewarded with “a standing evacuation.”
—MICHAEL RYAN
As personnel assistant for a printing company, I had to update the job descriptions and asked various managers for their input. When the controller, the owner’s son, returned a form I had distributed, the section entitled “job qualifications” was left blank. I sent it back and asked that he complete the form. He did, adding this reply: “Must be related to the boss and have an accounting degree from Notre Dame.”
—JANET PETZNICK
“That’s two ‘ayes’, two ‘nays’ and one ‘whatever.’”
Late for work already, I was annoyed to find a strange car in my reserved parking space again. After locating a spot far away, I stormed into my office determined to have the car towed. As the morning wore on, however, my anger mellowed and I decided to give the driver another chance.
During lunchtime, I went outside and left this note on the driver’s windshield: “Please don’t take my parking space. If you do, and your car disappears, don’t say I never towed you!”
—LARRY HOUPT
Scanning the phone book for a garbage collection service, I came across one that clearly wasn’t afraid to tackle any job. Their ad read: “Residential hauling. All types of junk removed. No load too large or too small. Garages, basements, addicts.”
—MARY BETH CARROLL
At the hardware store where I work, our manager was writing out a bill when he turned to me and asked, “Hey, what are these nuts worth?”
A new clerk looked up and said, “I thought we were getting seven bucks an hour.”
—DENNIS SCARROW
The new city hall in Chandler, Arizona, is eco-friendly and uses recycled gray water in the toilets. Just to be safe, a sign went up in the bathrooms warning employees not to drink out of the toilets. “I’m glad I saw that sign because I was very thirsty,” deadpanned the mayor.
—AZCENTRAL.COM
Getting into my car one night, I turned the key and was dismayed to discover that the battery was dead. I took out my cell phone and dialed the automobile club. Just as the dispatcher answered, there was a loud fender bender on the highway nearby.
“Wow,” the dispatcher said, hearing the crunch of metal on metal. “Most people wait until after the accident to call.”
—TIM O’BRIEN
The large office building that I work in is showing signs of its advanced age. Structural and cosmetic renovations began well over two years ago, and no end is in sight. The chronic chaos moves unpredictably from floor to floor.
The tenants apparently are feeling the stress. Posted in the elevator one morning was a hand-lettered warning sign left by the workmen: “Watch your step—floors 3, 4, and 5.” By lunchtime, someone had added, “have been removed.”
—CAROLE M. SAMPECK
Ernest, my husband, was playing golf with our town’s fire chief when he hit a ball into the rough. As Ernest headed for the brush to find his ball, the chief warned, “Be careful, the rattlesnakes are out.”
The chief explained that calls had been coming in all week requesting assistance with removing the snakes.
“You’ve got to be kidding,” Ernest replied in astonishment. “People actually call you to help them with rattlesnakes? What do you say to them?”
“Well,” said the chief, “the first thing I ask is, ‘Is it on fire?’”
—LAURA PETERSON
“It’s $50 for fixing the sink, and $300 for babysitting your husband.”
I owned a taxi service with my husband, William. While sitting in a cab waiting for a fare, William saw that a downpour had left puddles stretching to the curb. Then he heard someone open the back door and get in. When he turned around to ask the destination, William saw the would-be passenger exiting the other door. “Thanks,” said the passenger. “I just wanted to get over the water.”
—MARY SPROULE
Being in the bee removal business, I’m used to frantic phone calls, like the one from the woman whose home was infested with bees.
“You don’t understand,” she said, explaining why she was so upset. “I have two small children here.”
“I do understand,” I reassured her. “I have six children of my own.”
“Oh,” she said, now calmer. “I guess you don’t have the ‘birds’ part down yet.”
—KAY JONES
My budget-minded mother is always clipping coupons and keeps detailed records of how much money she saves. One day while running the cash register at the drugstore where she works, she had a self-conscious young man approach the counter to buy some condoms. My mother noticed a dollar-off coupon on the box and asked him if he’d like to use it, adding that she and her husband had saved over $400 redeeming coupons last year.
The stunned young man replied, “On these?”
—ELAINE EHRCKE STARNES
On my first day at the gas station, I watched a coworker measure the level of gasoline in the underground tanks by lowering a giant measuring stick down into them.
“What would happen if I threw a lit match into the hole?” I joked.
“It would go out,” he answered very matter-of-factly.
“Really?” I asked, surprised to hear that. “Is there a safety device that would extinguish it before the fumes are ignited?”
“No,” my coworker replied. “The force from the explosion would blow the match out.”
—DAN WALTER
At the large bookstore where my son works, the clerks tend to watch out for one another, trading shifts and covering for each other in emergencies. Recently, though, a disagreement between two clerks escalated into a fistfight. One of them ended up going to the hospital, leaving my son to cover for him.
The store manager, who had missed the whole episode, later came looking for the injured clerk. “Where’s Jack?” the man asked.
My son didn’t miss a beat. “Oh,” he said, “he punched out early.”
—ELLEN KAHN
I’m a counselor who helps coordinate support groups for visually impaired adults. Many participants have a condition known as macular degeneration, which makes it difficult for them to distinguish facial features.
I had just been assigned to a new group and was introducing myself.
Knowing that many in the group would not be able to see me very well, I jokingly said, “For those of you who can’t see me, I’ve been told that I look like a cross between Paul Newman and Robert Redford.”
Immediately one woman called out, “We’re not that blind!”
—BOB SHANKLAND
Neither snow, nor rain, nor heat, nor gloom of night will stop my fellow mail carriers and me from delivering junk mail.
One day, I delivered an envelope full of coupons to a home that was addressed: “To the Smart Shopper at …”
The next day, the envelope was returned with this note scrawled on it: “Not at This Address.”
—VANESSA PEEBLES
Bill Gates
and the president of General Motors were having lunch. Gates puffed out his chest and boasted of the innovations his company had made. “If GM had kept up with technology the way Microsoft has, we’d all be driving $25 cars that get 1,000 m.p.g.”
“I suppose that’s true,” the GM exec agreed. “But would you really want your car to crash twice a day?”
We bank tellers receive a lot of sweets as gifts from our customers around the holidays. One morning at breakfast, I was telling my husband that the bank employees had the potential to gain weight on the job. “Yeah,” my husband said slyly, “you’re all going to turn into ‘teller tubbies.’”
—STEPHANIE BURTON
Pulling into my service station 45 minutes late one morning, I shouted to the customers, “I’ll turn the pumps on right away!” What I didn’t know was that the night crew had left them on all night. By the time I got to the office, most of the cars had filled up and driven off. Only one customer stayed to pay. My heart sank.
Then the customer pulled a wad of cash from his pocket and handed it to me. “We kept passing the money to the last guy,” he said. “We figured you’d get here sooner or later.”
—JIM NOVAK
My son, Earl, is a construction foreman. One day he tumbled from a scaffold, managing to break his fall by grabbing on to parts of the scaffold on the way down. He received only minor scratches.
Embarrassed by the fall, he climbed back up to continue working. Then he noticed his coworkers holding up hastily made signs reading 9.6, 9.8, and 9.4.
—JANICE A. CRABB
As a trail guide in a national park, I ate with the rest of the seasonal staff in a rustic dining hall, where the food left something to be desired. When we were finished with meals, we scraped the remains into a garbage pail and stacked our plates for the dishwasher. One worker, apparently not too happy after his first week on the job, was ahead of me in line. As he slopped an uneaten plate of food into the garbage, I heard him mutter, “Now stay there this time.”
Laughter Is the Best Medicine Page 14
