Laughter Is the Best Medicine
Page 15
—IAN A. WORLEY
My boss at the warehouse told the new guy not to stack boxes more than head-high. “If the inspector shows up,” he said, “we’d get in trouble. So, questions?”
“Yeah,” said the new guy. “How tall is the inspector?”
—CYNTHIA FRANKLIN
On the door of the post office in rural Esperance, N.Y.:
PULL
If that doesn’t work, PUSH.
If that doesn’t work, we’re closed.
Come again.
—VERA KASSON
While on a business trip, I traveled via commuter train to my various appointments. Before each stop, a petite, fragile-looking conductor entered the car. In a surprisingly booming voice, she clearly and authoritatively announced the destination.
One passenger complimented the conductor on her powerful voice, asking, “How do you manage to speak so forcefully?”
“It’s easy,” she replied. “I just visualize my kids sitting in the back of the train, doing something they shouldn’t.”
—JOSEPH FRANCAVILLA
“No, you roll over!”
The photo in our local paper showed a cubicle that had been destroyed by a fire. The accompanying article said it happened in a state office building and the blaze started when something fell onto a toaster, accidentally switching it on and igniting some paper.
I was about to turn the page when my husband asked, “Did you notice where it happened?”
“No,” I said. “Where?”
“At the Bureau of Occupational and Industrial Safety.”
—STEFANIE SWEGER
If the people who make motivational posters are so motivated, why are they still working in a poster factory?
—JODY ROHLENA
The woman needed encouragement to keep peddling the exercise bike in her gym. So my friend, the gym manager, said, “Close your eyes and imagine you’re riding along Broadway in New York City. It will be more interesting.”
Inspired, the woman cycled on, but after a minute she stopped.
“What’s wrong?” asked my friend.
“The traffic light’s red,” she replied.
—JULIA ADIE
My husband took an evening job at a large mortuary. He would arrive at 5 p.m., as most of the staff was leaving, and worked until 10 p.m. greeting visitors. On his second night I decided to call and see how he was doing. A secretary who was working late answered the phone.
“Is Mr. Sloan there?” I asked. I heard papers being shuffled. “I’m sorry,” she finally replied. “Mr. Sloan is not ready for viewing yet.”
—WILODEAN SLOAN
A farmer called my veterinary office and asked me to make a house call. Because the road was closed, he parked his ancient pickup in a field for me to drive the rest of the way. But once behind the wheel, I realized the brakes didn’t work. The truck sped toward the stable, across the farmyard, into the barn, and embedded itself in a gigantic haystack.
Sweating, I climbed out and apologized. “Don’t worry,” the farmer said to me. “That’s how I stop the car, too.”
—JOSEPH HOLMES
Working at a major satellite company, I was expecting two technicians from the phone company who were coming by to do repairs. When they arrived, I was surprised to see that both were women. Wanting to appear equally emancipated, I called the only woman in our information-technology department to be their guide.
As we waited for Ellen, I thought about the strides women have made over the years.
When Ellen showed up, she smiled and nodded to the two women. Then she turned to me and said, “So, what happened to the guys from the phone company?”
—VICTORIA TOLINS
Recently, I went to use the ladies’ room in the office building where I work. I beat a hasty retreat, however, after seeing this sign inside: “Toilet out of order—please use floor below.”
—CLAIRE ROSKIND
World’s worst jobs:
Nuclear Warhead Sensitivity Technician
Vice President, Screen Door Sales, Reykjavík, Iceland, Division
Sperm Bank Security Guard
Road Kill Removal Crew
Russian Cartographer
Prison Glee Club President
Assistant to the Boss’s Nephew
—CLUBFUNNY.COM