Misfit

by Charli Howard

  Like the time I first nit-picked my flaws and everything that was ‘wrong’ with my body as a teenager, I locked the bathroom door that night, stood in front of the mirror and dropped my clothes to my feet. Yes, I had gained weight. My thighs weren’t completely smooth, and I had some cellulite on the backs of them. My upper arms jiggled a bit. My cheekbones weren’t as defined. And … so what? Did it make me a worse person? Did it make me less pretty? Did it make people like me any less?!

  NO!

  Of course it didn’t. I was still the same person. I’d put on weight and the world hadn’t come crashing down. I’d faced my worst fear and beaten it. I may have gained weight, but I’d also gained other things: happiness, regular periods, clear skin, shiny hair, a social life.

  I finally understood that being thin wasn’t worth it.

  At a size ten, I was well and truly an ‘in-between’-sized model, not fitting either modelling category. In fact, I was not only the sole girl at Muse my size, but also among most modelling agencies. Unlike most curve girls, my face was quite angular, while my body was womanly and squishy. I noticed that a lot of curve brands were optioning me for things, but I never got the job because I was too small for them. Overall, I was getting optioned for more curve brands than I was ‘straight-sized’ ones. And so I knew I could either own this ‘unique’ trait of mine, celebrating what made me unique, or give up modelling altogether.

  One afternoon, I went to meet Becca in Starbucks and asked if I could join the curve board. I was finally ready to embrace my true shape.

  ‘Welcome to the fun side of modelling,’ Becca said as I signed my contract.

  It was around the same time as this that I met another curve model in a cafe in Brooklyn. Becca had suggested we meet up as we were both starting to embrace the body-positive movement.

  I’d had an idea for a while of shooting a high-end editorial using a variety of body shapes, but didn’t know where to begin. I knew that seeing images like that when I was a teenager dreaming of modelling could have changed my relationship with my shape. So considering my body type didn’t seem to fit in anywhere, what would be better than creating fashion images where it would? As the saying goes: if the door won’t open, create a new one. Or something.

  Anyway, I knew I shouldn’t have to eat a ton of food or excessively diet just to be taken seriously as a model. Not only that, but why was there such a divide between straight-sized models and curve models? They were never photographed together, as though it was shameful for one to be seen with the other. You were either thin or fat and nothing in between.

  There had been some body-positive campaigns before, but they were – in the politest term – bloody tacky. Curve models were always shot as jolly and sexy, never high-end or tomboy. On the other hand, skinny models were never photographed as womanly or curvaceous – it was as though photographers deliberately tried to shoot them as thin as possible. These images certainly didn’t represent a lot of women, especially not those buying the fashion, and turned women’s bodies into caricatures. Everyone has a different idea of what makes a model; a size shouldn’t determine that.

  Since joining the curve board, I had learnt that ALL bodies are beautiful in their own way. God, what a cliché, but it’s true. There is beauty in every body, from a lithe body with protruding bones, to a woman with curves and rolls. The media loves to divide women as it is – the last thing we need is to body-shame each other. So why not shoot images in which female bodies were celebrated and brought together? Doesn’t everyone deserve to be represented?

  Funnily enough, the model I met for coffee also wanted to create a fashion editorial with the same kind of vibe. We spoke about our ideas and the All Woman Project was born.

  We’d scout models who had something else going on in their lives, from music to art to motherhood, proving they were more than just pretty faces. Our other idea was to make the shoot completely female-led, from the photographer to the stylist to the designers to the videographer. No one knows how to shoot or dress women better than women, right? So that’s what we did. It was A LOT of work, and not everyone was behind the idea at first, but the team we gathered made it all so worthwhile.

  One of the looks we were shooting was all the models together in colourful swimsuits. I was terrified of being shot in a bikini, still trying to embrace my body and new-found curves. But as I stood there on set with girls of all different shapes, sizes and colours, I didn’t feel like a freak. I saw girls thinner than me with stretch marks and confident larger girls who owned their bodies. What was there to be ashamed about?!

  The final photos were beautiful. I cried when I first saw them. They were precisely the pictures I wish I’d seen growing up. No one looked cheap or tacky; the models looked like goddesses. The images were exactly what fashion should be: inclusive and diverse, without losing its ‘fantasy’ appeal. Oh, and they were completely genuine – we didn’t edit out a single thing. Not many fashion images can say that, let me tell you!

  Not surprisingly, the photos went viral very quickly, being picked up by news publications worldwide. Women from around the world messaged us, telling us how confident we’d made them feel. Who’d have thought some diverse photos could’ve had that effect? Well, fashion holds more influence on women’s body image and self-worth than I think it likes to take responsibility for.

  I truly believe that women will always be fascinated by other women, and that a model wearing a size bigger won’t make them want to buy a product any less. It’s all about the photography, make-up and styling, and allowing the consumer to escape into a dream world. That’s what fashion is about after all, right? Allowing people to dream, like so many of us do. A dress size should not prevent girls from dreaming.

  Not long after our campaign, body-positive fashion campaigns began springing up out of nowhere. Within a year, we saw fewer white, tall, skinny models in images, and instead there was a more diverse cast.

  There’s still a long way to go, but something wonderful happened. It became cool to be different.

  The End

  And so this is where my story ends.

  In case you’re wondering, I’m still a bit mental. I’m still a bit of a misfit. But that’s OK. Being mad has allowed me to share my story, and doing that helped me to recover from my eating disorders. I’ve learnt that talking openly about my problems doesn’t make me a weak person, nor does it anyone else.

  Yep – it’s only taken me twenty-odd years, but I am pleased to tell you that I have embraced my curves, well and truly. I actually like my squish; I like the things that make me womanly. If you’d told me, aged fourteen, that I could be a model as well as curvaceous I would’ve spat my tea out. In fact, screw that – if you’d told me I’d be curvy AT ALL, I probably would’ve had a heart attack. Weight gain was the thing I feared most. And yet I embraced my fear, and realized that becoming bigger wasn’t bad at all.

  I sometimes receive comments from people online calling me ‘fat’, ‘ugly’ or ‘out of shape’. That would have bothered me, too. But I know I’m not, and that their words are just a reflection of their insecurities. Seriously – is that the best they’ve got? Is being ‘fat’ truly the worst thing in the world?! Answer: nope, it isn’t. I’d much rather be fat than a bully. And that’s what those trolls are.

  Muse have never told me to lose weight, and instead encourage me to be the best version of myself. They’ve done the unimaginable and encouraged me at the size I’m at, which I know I am very lucky to have had. They’ve booked me huge campaigns and jobs, and I’ve gone from making seven pounds an hour on a brownie stall to making a real living as a model. I’m living my dream while getting to eat a chocolate digestive when I want to. What could be better than that?!

  I know I am lucky. There have been some plus-size models who have accused me of taking their jobs, assuming I have it easier because I’m thinner. Maybe there’s an element of truth to that – I don’t know. I do know a lot of models who’d like to be in my positio
n, but whose agents won’t push them at their natural size. I’d love for them to feel content in their job, but the fashion industry still has a long way to go until that happens.

  I may have gained a few pounds, but I’ve gained some other things, too. First off, I’ve gained a massive dose of self-respect. I no longer let people walk over me. As Eleanor Roosevelt once said, ‘No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.’ Never has a quote resonated with me quite so much.

  Secondly, I’ve gained the understanding that being kind to myself, both physically and mentally, is a necessity, not a selfish act. I look after my mental health, giving myself time to breathe when I need to.

  Finally, rather than solving all my problems, I have realized that being thin was the cause of them. Losing weight does not equal happiness. And I’m proud to no longer contribute to an industry that makes girls feel that way. I’m celebrating the fact that we are all misfits, and that the things that make us unique are what make us beautiful.

  If I of all people can have a fairy-tale ending, anyone can.

  Epilogue

  I read recently that apparently everyone on this planet will suffer with a form of mental illness at some point in their lives. This makes total sense. You don’t go through life NEVER experiencing a cold, do you? You don’t go through life never getting a bruise or a cut, right? You may get bitten by a snake one day, but there’ll be things to treat it if you do. So why wouldn’t your brain get a bit ‘bruised’ from time to time? Doesn’t that deserve to be looked after, too?

  Your brain is so clever – capable of making big decisions, telling right from wrong, knowing what it likes and dislikes and being able to fall in love – that it may need a bit of maintenance from time to time. Because it works so hard it will become overwhelmed by different chemicals and emotions that it will make the rest of your body feel ‘odd’ or out of place. So, just like we would a broken leg, we need to mend our heads sometimes, as well.

  Over time, I’ve started to realize that the illnesses I’ve struggled with don’t make me weak or an oddity, but that I definitely don’t need to let them rule my life, either. Pushing problems to the back of your mind is the equivalent of having a tumour and ignoring it until it gets too big to handle. Getting help isn’t a sign of weakness. It’s a sign that you value yourself enough to treat yourself right.

  I wasn’t even midway through writing this book when, like an unwanted guest, my anxiety returned. It crept up on me ever so slowly, gathering negative memories, comments and thoughts from my memory bank, before letting all of them off in my head like some sort of bomb.

  I didn’t get it. This didn’t make sense. Writing a book was supposed to be so exciting and special, and yet here I was, riddled and dazed with insecurities and self-doubt. Would anyone like my book? Would anyone even read it?! What would my Amazon reviews say?!! Aaarrrrgggghhhh!!!

  I was living in the future, too concerned about what people would say about my book, rather than actually living in the present and writing it. I was going to bed at 2 a.m. every night, going over and over and over all the things that could go wrong. My tummy was in knots, sick at the thought of what people would think about it. I couldn’t look people in the eye; my hands would be quivering when I handed a cashier change, or if I went into my agency. Then, because I couldn’t focus on anything bar my nerves, I couldn’t eat. I’d live on caffeine in an attempt to stay focused, but this just made everything worse.

  The more I thought about it, the worse it got. Maybe I deserved to fail? Maybe this anxiety was karma for something I’d once said or done? It wasn’t just the book I worried about; it was everything. I was ringing my mum up to twelve times a day, asking her if everything in my life would be all right. Modelling, relationships, family. Were my parents proud of me? Would I ever work again? What if my agency dropped me? What if I left the house and got hit by a car? WHAT THEN?!

  And that’s when I realized I was still running away from my problems, thinking I was big and clever enough to deal with them all alone. Suffering with these things didn’t have to be my ‘normal’. Who would willingly choose to constantly live in fear over something built up in their brain? You’d have to be crazy to want to do that, rather than want to get better. Besides – how could I end a story about mental health when there wasn’t even an ending to what I was going through?!

  Anxiety, OCD and eating disorders didn’t need to be part of my story any more. You can’t control the things that happen or have happened to you. But what you can control is the way you handle situations. You can let them make you or break you. And you can also choose whether you want to be happy or not.

  I wanted a different ending. I wanted to end this chapter of my life with a new beginning.

  And so that’s what I did.

  Although I was in New York during this time, my mum was a tremendous help. I told her I was struggling, and rather than telling me I was being ridiculous like the Brain Deviant told me she would, she got on a laptop from the other side of the world and helped to google therapists. I decided to bite the bullet and ring a therapist specializing in Cognitive Behavioural Therapy.

  CBT is a way of training your brain into thinking differently – to unlearn what you’ve already learnt, and to see your thoughts as just thoughts. Rather than telling yourself you’re a fat failure, for example, you either tell your inner self to shut up, or push the thought from your mind completely. Most of all, you take a step back and think about the reasoning behind that thought. There’s a reason behind every action or anxious thought; we just often forget them. What event or comment triggered you to think so negatively about yourself? OK, that wasn’t very nice – time to throw that thought in the bin.

  Magical things happen when you stop caring so much about what other people think. Who cares if someone doesn’t like you? Is their opinion really the end of the world? Not everyone is going to like you, just like you’re never going to like everyone, either. As long as you like yourself, who cares?

  I can categorically tell you that you won’t reach happiness chasing a low weight or dress size. You won’t be happy staying in relationships that aren’t going anywhere, or waiting around for people to like or accept you. Running away from your problems won’t help you, either.

  Happiness is living in the here and now. It is being confident. It is accepting what you look like and who you are. It is being self-aware enough to accept you’ll be fine if someone doesn’t like you. It is surrounding yourself with people who bring out the best in you, and you in them.

  And the most important thing I’ve learnt about happiness?

  There is no such thing as ‘normal’.

  Helplines

  If you, or someone you know, is struggling with mental health issues, then help is available here in the UK.

  I’ve compiled a list of brilliant helplines dealing with everything from suicide and depression to eating disorders and anxiety. All these helplines are confidential and you can remain anonymous if you wish.

  Never be afraid to speak to a parent, relative, friend or doctor about how you’re feeling. Getting help does take courage (you know what these Brain Deviants are like), but, in my experience, you’ll feel such a sense of relief afterwards. Things can’t change if you don’t speak up. It really is as simple as that.

  MIND

  Mind help with mental health, not just eating disorders. I have often visited their website when I’ve felt depressed or needed help.

  Phone: 0300 123 3393

  Text: 86463

  Website: mind.org.uk

  ABC (ANOREXIA AND BULIMIA CARE)

  Phone: 03000 11 12 13

  Website: anorexiabulimiacare.org.uk

  ANXIETY UK

  A fantastic charity for people who find life and what it throws at you overwhelming. They’re open Monday to Friday, 9:30 a.m. to 5:30 p.m.

  Text: 07537 416 905

  Phone: 08444 775 774

  Website: anxietyuk.org.uk

  B-EA
T

  The UK’s biggest eating-disorder charity.

  Helpline: 0808 801 0677

  Youthline: 0808 801 0711

  Website: b-eat.co.uk

  SAMARITANS

  They listened to me when I was at my lowest. They’re open 365 days a year, 24 hours a day.

  Phone: 116 123

  Website: samaritans.org

  MGEDT (MEN GET EATING DISORDERS TOO)

  Website: mengetedstoo.co.uk

  OVEREATERS ANONYMOUS

  Phone: 07000 784 985

  Website: oagb.org.uk

  Acknowledgements

  Wow … a real-life acknowledgements section! Who knew I’d be writing one of these someday?!

  I must first thank the hard-working team at Penguin Random House UK for not only letting me write this book, but for also being so supportive with it. To Simon, Tania and the rest of the lovely ladies in the PR and marketing teams; to Wendy Shakespeare and the copy-editors for correcting my grammar (and incessant swearing); to Benjamin Hughes and the art team for a beautiful cover; to the very patient lawyers … Thank you for making a childhood ambition of mine come true!

  But a huge thank-you must go to my wonderful editor, Holly Harris at Penguin Random House Children’s, who has made this whole writing process feel as seamless as it could possibly be. I hope I haven’t been too much of a diva! Without you, not only would Misfit not have a title, but also wouldn’t be here. So thank you for allowing me to share my story (and for making me feel not as mental as I usually do!). You’re brilliant.

  To my literary agent, Adam Gauntlett at PFD, who has been on the receiving end of my anxious emails and phone calls for the past year. Your advice, patience and guidance has been invaluable and I’ll be forever grateful for what you’ve done for me. Let’s grab a celebratory lunch (not as wanky as the Groucho) sometime soon.