All of Me

by Bell, Heatherly

  He was about to say that it worked for George Clooney, but he was beginning to see Ali’s point.

  Ali turned to him with that annoying superior-big-sister look she’d spent years refining. “Not to mention, you and Ivey might have wound up hating each other.”

  He scoffed. “Ironic, since we’re not together now.”

  “Yeah, sure. Like I believe that. Do you know how many young marriages end in divorce? What’s the divorce rate for doctors?”

  “Okay, okay, I get it. I wasn’t ready back then, but I’ll never believe that I didn’t have the right to know. To be involved. It was my baby too.”

  Ali nodded. “So what are you going to do?”

  “I don’t know. The problem is I think I still love her.”

  “Shocking,” Ali said. “I called it. Like magnets.”

  “But I can’t trust her.” He pulled out his phone. It had been buzzing on and off for the past couple of hours, and he’d been ignoring it on purpose. The hospital would page him, and he wasn’t even on call. He had a good feeling who had been calling him, and it didn’t surprise him when he finally took a look.

  Several missed calls from Ivey. And two text messages: You don’t understand. Please let me explain.

  Maybe it was time to listen.

  Chapter 13

  When Ivey returned the following morning, she hadn’t expected to find Babs napping on the couch in the family room. Ivey stifled the groan that formed in her throat. She wouldn’t have to ask Jeff how he found out.

  Babs sat up, rubbed her eyes and stretched. “What is wrong with you young people? I visit, and that man leaves me here alone. For hours! What if I was a thief or worse, an ax murderer? Where’s his sense of safety?”

  Babs didn’t exactly resemble anyone’s idea of a dangerous person. “What are you doing here?”

  “Marissa called me, and I needed to see you in person. This is important.” Babs stood and smoothed down her rumpled jeans. “But first, I’m afraid I spoke out of turn earlier.”

  “I know. And your timing is horrible.”

  “Well, I’m sorry about that. I didn’t tell him much, but he guessed. Anyway, I know about the women’s center, and I’ve come here to give you my opinion in person.”

  So Marissa had called in reinforcements. But Ivey had already made up her mind, especially after last night. “I don’t need your opinion. I’ve already made my decision.”

  “Good. I was worried after Marissa called and told me.”

  “I’m going to do it.” Baby boy Foster had been born early this morning on the same bed where his parents likely conceived him, bathed by the soft light of his mother’s reading lamp, while his father wept (he couldn’t read the poem after all). Ivey didn’t think a hospital could replicate that in a hundred years.

  Not without her there to help them.

  “Didn’t I teach you better than this? Doctors don’t understand birth. Even women doctors. I don’t know what they do to them in medical school, but you’d think that labor and delivery were something they have to cure.”

  “Look, I understand. Believe me. Tonight Asia Foster gave birth at home, and it was beautiful. I wish every woman would do that. But the truth is they’re not. For whatever reason, they’re going to feel safer in a hospital setting. I know it’s not the easy thing to do, and I’m sorry if I’m letting you down. Jeff and I turned in our recommendation to the board a few days ago. And if they’ll have me, I’m going to work at the women’s center. I want to make sure that every woman can have the childbirth experience they want.”

  “But the doctors aren’t going to let them have that experience!”

  “Well that’s exactly why they need me there.”

  “You’re one tiny girl, up against territorial doctors who are going to defend their livelihood to the death.”

  “Let them. I’m fiercer than I look, and you ought to know that.”

  Babs’ gray eyes softened. “I still remember the young girl who came to me pregnant with her first child, wanting to have that perfect birth. You’d read everything you could get your hands on and already knew what you wanted.”

  “I didn’t get very far.” Ivey’s breath hitched, for one minute drawn back to that time when she thought for a few months that she’d been blessed. Finally, she must have done something right. She’d failed to take care of Mama, because she hadn’t been able to stop her from driving off the road. Failed to plan ahead, like so many times before. But this time, she wouldn’t fail.

  Only she had. Even eating the healthiest diet, taking her vitamins, doing everything she’d been asked to do and then some, she’d lost the best mistake she ever made.

  Babs gathered Ivey in her arms. “You never get over losing a baby, honey. I tried to tell you that, even as you wanted to act like delivering someone else’s babies would somehow make up for the fact that you never got to have your own precious child.”

  Is that what she’d done? “I thought it was all in the past as long as I didn’t think about it. But when I came back home, when I saw him . . . ”

  “It all came back, didn’t it?”

  Not while she could pretend for a while that it had never happened. Jeff didn’t know, after all. Except that now he did, and she was somehow reliving the hurt all over again.

  The memories—bleeding and in agonizing pain, rushing to the hospital. Babs had met her there and tried to be a friend because the client-midwife relationship was over. Aunt Lucy had come to see Ivey a few days later, insisting that it was all for the best and that someday she could try again. Saying all the wrong things, even with the best of intentions. But this hadn’t been an inconvenience. It had been her baby.

  But like so many good things in her life, it hadn’t lasted. Didn’t have staying power. “I wasn’t ready to tell him.”

  “It’s good that he knows. You need someone to grieve your loss with you as only he can do.”

  Like he’d been summoned, Jeff chose that moment to walk through the front door.

  Babs stared from him to Ivey, then back again. “I’ll leave you two alone.”

  Ivey didn’t even say goodbye, because her eyes were riveted on Jeff, who looked like he wanted to say a million things or maybe nothing at all.

  He held the door open for Babs, nodded to her as she left, and shut the door again.

  “Where were you?” It was the only thing she could think to ask him. Not “will you ever forgive me,” or “can’t you at least try and understand?”

  “Driving, mostly. I stopped by the hospital, and I stopped by Ali’s. And then I kept driving until I thought I could be calm enough to listen to you.” He scrubbed a hand across his face, and from the looks of it, he still hadn’t yet reached that point.

  “You have to understand—”

  “I don’t have to do anything, Ivey.” His jaw quivered almost imperceptibly, but she noticed it.

  “Okay, you don’t have to. But if you would try to imagine how I felt—”

  “What do you think I’ve been doing for the past few hours? Over and over in my mind I’ve thought about how scared you must have been. What it must have felt like to lose our baby. All the physical pain you went through. And all I can think is that I should have been there, but because of you I wasn’t. You didn’t trust me enough. Didn’t think I could handle it.”

  “No, it’s not that,” she protested. “I didn’t want you to feel obligated. I didn’t want to ruin your plans for the future.”

  “Screw planning. Maybe I needed something to show me that the best things in life just happen. You didn’t give me a choice. You lied to me. I’ve never lied to you.”

  “I know I was wrong. But can’t you forgive me?” She moved closer to him, but he was a hard, solid wall of anger.

  And he didn’t answer for a few lonely seconds. “I don’t know.”

  The answer made the tight fist of fear in her stomach open up and spread to the tips of her toes.

  Ivey fingered the soft bristle
s on his jawline and tucked a lock of his hair that had fallen over his eye. “I love you, and you love me. We can get past this.” Please, God, let us get past this. She’d never wanted anything more in her life. Another chance. Did anyone really get over their first love? She never had.

  His eyes were wet, and she thought maybe she really would die right there and then because she’d done this. She’d caused him this pain.

  He took her hand and kissed the back of it. “I don’t know. I need some time.”

  Time. Right. Time away from her. She was familiar with that refrain. “Maybe I should go stay with Brooke.”

  This was where he would protest, and let her stay here where maybe within the next day or so they’d be back in each other’s arms again. But he only gazed at her with red-rimmed eyes and said, “Maybe you should.”

  *****

  Ivey and Brooke hadn’t tripped over each other yet, but they had bumped into each other several times over the past week. Hard not to in a nine-hundred-square-foot cottage.

  Even so, Brooke wouldn’t hear of any other arrangement.

  “This is temporary, because you two will be back together in no time.” Brooke said as they stood hip to hip in what passed as the kitchen.

  “Don’t be so sure. You might be stuck with me, and rentals don’t come up every day.”

  “You’re telling me. I’ve wanted to get out of this place for years. I’ve got enough money saved up and no place to rent. But I’ve got my eye on Mrs. McCreety’s place. She’s ninety. How much longer can she last?”

  “Brooke!” Was that what it had come to? Wishing people dead?

  Brooke only shrugged. “The thing to do is buy land. One of these days I’ll get my hands on some of it.”

  Everybody had to have a dream. Ivey had received part of her dream a few days ago when Lillian phoned with the job offer. She’d start next month, working in the women’s center. One of her proudest achievements, and she wasn’t sure why it didn’t feel like enough.

  Now, the tears—she’d shed enough of those. It had been a week of staying in, feeling sorry for herself, and waiting for a phone call. But now she was all done with pathetic and ready at the very least to go to lunch and maybe for a little retail therapy.

  Brooke drove, since she had a nice BMW company car and Ivey had still to go car shopping. Brooke cruised down Main Street. For a Saturday in the middle of the day, it wasn’t all that busy. Then again the grape harvest had come and gone, and summer and tourist season were about to close up shop.

  “Where to?” Brooke asked. “Anywhere. It’s my treat.”

  “Anywhere but Mama’s Diner.” Ivey might run into Jeff there, and she wasn’t ready. She’d need to be ready by next month when she started her job at the hospital, but by then, well, she didn’t know what she would do, but she’d figure something out.

  “Let’s try the All the Tea and China. It’s brand new and I haven’t tried it yet.”

  Ivey didn’t notice the ribbon until they were at the front door to the eatery. But right there, poised prominently on the front door—a beautiful and large pink ribbon. Clearly new and fresh, not an old faded one from the past. Not this again.

  “Oh no,” Ivey breathed, but Brooke pretty much pushed through the front door.

  “Don’t worry, I’ll find out what this is all about,” Brooke said, waving to a petite young redhead who might be new in town, since Ivey didn’t recognize her at all.

  “Hi, Brooke. I ordered my pink ribbon as soon as I heard. And you must be Ivey. I’m Genevieve, and I own this place.” She waved a hand around the small eatery filled with porcelain, teacups, and pictures of Paris on the walls.

  “Why do you have a pink ribbon?” Ivey managed to squeak out.

  “I heard you two broke up again and the chamber decided to go back to the ribbons. It’s the best way of letting everyone know which side we represent.”

  “Sides? There are no sides,” Ivey said as she took a seat at one of the wrought-iron tables.

  “It’s fun. Don’t you love small towns and all their little quirks?”

  “No,” Brooke answered, taking a menu from Genevieve.

  “Remind me again why I decided to go out today.” Ivey threw a pointed look at Brooke.

  “To show your face. Let everyone know ‘Hello world, it’s me, Ivey, and I’m not going to go down without a fight.’ Something like that, anyway.”

  “Oh yeah. I forgot.” Ivey tried to break out a smile and it took such effort she was sure it died before it even got to her lips. Not happening today.

  Brooke noticed. “See that? That’s exactly why I’m never falling in love.”

  “What?”

  “That look on your face. Love hurts. And you’ve let love for that man torture you since you were sixteen years old.”

  “I should have told him.”

  “All right, so maybe I was wrong. Next time don’t take advice from a woman who’s never been in a serious and committed relationship. I can’t do much more for you, but I promise you I’ll take care of those pink and blue ribbons.”

  “I don’t mind, actually. It’s kind of sweet.”

  “How is it sweet?”

  “They do it because they care about us. They’re showing their support the only way they know how. And Genevieve is right. It is kind of fun. All the blue and pink ribbons all over town. Like a party.”

  “That’s a new way to look at it. I remember how upset you were when you first heard about it.”

  But when she’d first come home, she’d tried to move forward and pretend she hadn’t lost everything. She’d always felt like the wronged one, but it turned out that hadn’t been entirely true.

  Seemed also that she was stronger than ribbons.

  After lunch, Brooke and Ivey walked past storefronts covered in pink and blue ribbons. For the first time, Ivey noticed many storefronts with both a pink and a blue ribbon and people who were smiling and winking. This, she supposed, passed for entertainment. No harm done.

  They heard the loud voice of a woman inside Ed’s Hardware store. “Seriously, get a hobby. Get a life. Stop giving these out!”

  “Give those back to me. They’re for paying customers!” Ed could be heard shouting back.

  “Send me the bill.” Ivey nearly collided with Ali as she stormed out the front door, carrying a box of blue ribbons. “Sorry about all this. I know how it must seem.”

  “I don’t mind anymore,” Ivey explained. But she couldn’t stop staring at the box of blue ribbons in Ali’s hands.

  “We’ve decided it’s quaint,” Brooke offered.

  Ali smiled. “Is quaint the new word for crazy?”

  All three of them had a good laugh, while Ed eyed them suspiciously through the front glass door entrance.

  Ali pulled Ivey to the side. “But seriously, please don’t give up on him. I happen to know that he loves you.”

  “I know. And I love him.” She would until the day she died, but maybe love wasn’t enough when two people had hurt each other so much.

  “He’s super stubborn when he’s hurt. He usually nurses his wounds for a while, like a grumpy bear. And I know work has been strangling him from the inside out for some time. Please be patient.”

  “All right,” Ivey said with a shaky voice.

  Ali waved good-bye, throwing the box of ribbons in the trunk of her car and slamming it shut with a loud thump.

  “Wow. That was something, huh?” Brooke asked.

  Amazing, seeing Ali come to Ivey’s defense that way. Ivey would have expected even worse from her, once she’d found out about the big lie. Not this kind of compassion and understanding from the woman who would have done anything to protect Jeff.

  Unless she was finally clear on the fact that he didn’t need any protecting from Ivey.

  Chapter 14

  “Are you certain?” Dr. Cooper asked.

  “I haven’t come to the decision lightly. I’m sure.” Jeff sat across from the chief of cardiology.
>
  “It means you start all over again with your residency. And I know how hard you’ve worked for the hospital. But if I’m being honest, I’d love for you to come aboard.”

  No, it hadn’t been part of the plan, but there it was. Emergency medicine wasn’t a good fit, and the more Jeff had considered it over the past two weeks, cardiology fit right with where he wanted and needed to be. He didn’t want to wind up four years later, unhappy with his career, still questioning whether or not he was doing any good. And was there anything more important to the human condition than the heart?

  “And a pediatric cardiologist? Dr. Leonard is doing great work here. He’ll be thrilled.”

  “I guess it’s a matter of waiting for an opening now. I’ve already informed my attending.”

  “Right. I’ll meet with Lillian, and we’ll see how fast we can get this done.”

  Jeff made his way to the lounge and his locker. He wasn’t kidding himself. It might be a while before there was a resident slot in cardiology. But now that he was certain of where he needed to be, he didn’t mind waiting.

  He still had a lot on his plate for today. Okay maybe he was still a little bit into planning, but who would have thought he’d wind up pursuing a specialty in pediatrics? Still, the more he’d thought about it the better it felt. Seemed right, rang true to him. He’d always liked kids, had once planned to have three of them with Ivey’s help. And in some small way, he thought maybe if he could help sick kids, he’d be making up for the fact that he hadn’t been there for his own baby.

  Yeah, it hadn’t been his fault. Not entirely. But maybe if he hadn’t been so insistent on planning every aspect of their future life together, Ivey might have felt comfortable coming to him. She might not have thought she’d be ruining everything. Maybe if he hadn’t been so wrapped up in medicine, in his career, expecting Ivey to meekly come along as a silent partner, he would have seen the signs.

  Some things in life did require planning. Only not when it came to love. He hadn’t expected to fall in love in high school. Certainly hadn’t thought he’d want to marry his first love. But that’s exactly what would happen, if Ivey would still have him. Because he couldn’t be without her. Not like he hadn’t tried. They both had. Five years and she wasn’t out of his system. When she’d waltzed back into town, something in his heart popped open, and it was almost as if his life had been on pause for five years. Then Ivey had hit “play” again and they’d been off to the races.