The Twelve Tools

by Natti Ronel

  Abstinence, as the word tells us, is the act of abstaining from something. For example, abstaining from violent behavior, abstaining from alcohol or gambling, or simply abstaining from something that has a bad influence on us, such as certain pastimes which aren’t appropriate for us. It seems that most people who are looking for change would like to abstain from something. You could go further and say as a generalization -- almost all of us, human beings that we are, when we measure our lives against some aspiration, hidden or overt, would like to abstain from something. We might wonder, what’s the problem, stop doing it and that’s it. Apparently, it’s quite easy to tell someone else to stop behaving in a certain way, but it turns out that there are some things in life from which it really isn’t that easy to abstain. There is a difference between innocent and benign intention and a sincere wish to change and desist from something undesirable and following through at the “moment of truth.” Therefore, we need abstinence as a basic tool which facilitates change, and also supports us in all the stages of change. We need the rest of the tools too, to support the change and help us to make the change deeper and broader.

  The secrets of abstinence

  The first secret of successful abstinence is its totality, which is its basic “how.” Full abstinence is the decisive cessation of a certain behavior or of situation, for example, relations with a certain person. Abstinence turns this behavior or situation into an option that is no longer relevant to us. Perhaps abstinence will be permanent, perhaps only temporary, but what is certain is that abstinence in the present needs to be whole. Repeated attempts on the part of many people have shown that to abstain in a partial manner from behavior that we regard as problematic or domineering is an almost impossible task. In a somewhat surprising way, total abstinence is a more practical possibility, even though it’s a challenging task, requiring decisive personal effort. When there is problematic behavior, a struggle exists with the self or with the world, even if we aren’t trying to change, but it exists in hostile circumstances to the point where our strength is exhausted. Total abstinence is a tool that makes the struggle more focused. Although it is challenging, abstinence creates relief which will continue to grow as long as we continue to make proper use of total abstinence. What is meant by proper use? When we start to argue with the totality of abstinence in the hope of gaining some “respite,” the negotiation is liable to disrupt the struggle. From the moment we open a kind of negotiation with the totality of abstinence as if seeking some relief, and from the moment we pay attention to the temptation to return to the behavior or situation from which we are abstaining, we have lost the battle temporarily, because the temptation becomes even stronger.

  An example: a woman said that she was “drawn” every evening to the television set and would simply “lose it.” When she was in this trance-like state she had no time, desire, or patience for anything other than staring at the changing pictures on the screen. The screen and what was projected on it had become the most important thing, the most enjoyable thing, or whatever was the “most” for the moment. The important thing was that she carried on staring. It’s possible to understand the sense of carefree freedom apparently enjoyed in the situation of staring at the television. The freedom to stare without doing anything else, without disturbance, the freedom to be, or in fact, not to be. Just watch the screen. But this is only an illusion of freedom. When she wasn’t watching television, she felt and understood that she was completely trapped and enslaved by viewing, and if anything were to intrude and disturb her during these moments -- alas and alack. She had decided in the past to limit her viewing and impose a strict quota: not every evening, and not all evening, to be free for her husband and her children, and with other positive intentions. These came to an end the moment she passed by the screen of the TV in the lounge of their house. Something there would catch her eye, trapping her. This was the moment when the temptation of watching began negotiating with her, and it always won. It was bigger than her. When the screen was lit up and the question of what to watch was being considered -- she would lose all power of rational thought. She found herself sitting there again and staring at the captivating screen, with no patience for anything else. So, what is total abstinence for her? We could say -- don’t watch any TV at all. A definite possibility. Interesting even. Perhaps suitable for her and perhaps not. There’s a need to study it together with her. Anyway, the tool of “Abstinence” opens up some more possibilities.

  To find the appropriate possibility, it is necessary to recognize the second secret of the tool of “Abstinence,” and this is the need for the correct detection of the behaviors or the situation from which we want, or in a certain sense are obliged, to abstain. Detection is the result of a process, which we do sometimes by ourselves and sometimes with the help of someone else. In the case of the compulsive watcher of TV, perhaps she could watch only after a certain hour in the evening, so that she wouldn’t neglect other things. Or would it be worthwhile not to turn the television set on at all, except for viewing that she had planned in advance? And so on. There are many options to consider. If these are checked out in consultation with her, with a little creativity and the principle of trial and error, she can determine the level of abstinence that is right for her.

  The various options of abstinence can be divided into three basic groups, which describe the balance of forces between the totality that is required and the need for flexible and precise detection of the thing from which one wants to abstain: 1) The behaviors or situations from which it is possible and desirable to abstain completely and fully, for example, when the behavior hurts ourselves or somebody else; 2) Other behaviors from which it is impossible to abstain at all, except for a short time only, such as eating; 3) Behaviors in the middle -- it may be possible to abstain from them fully, but it isn’t certain that this is the way we want to live our lives for any length of time, for example, establishing romantic relationships or intimacy in general. We should remember that throughout the way of change, flexibility is a characteristic that should be preserved; otherwise, the change will be rigid and superficial. The division that I have suggested is one possible approach.

  Total abstinence

  The first option is abstinence from certain behavior in a comprehensive fashion, in every situation, apparently forever. This is a possibility, for example, in the case of an alcoholic. His personal experience tells him that he can’t drink “only a little” without being drawn into destructive drinking. There is a wide range of situations characteristic of alcoholics, such as someone who drinks all day, starting in the morning, as opposed to one who drinks himself into a stupor only on the weekends, as opposed to one who barely drinks at all, but when he does, there’s no end to the drinking until he passes out. There is, indeed, a difference between the various situations, but there is one feature that is shared, which is that an alcoholic can’t drink “only a little.” Alcoholics can’t start drinking and then stop when they have reached satiety. Once they have started drinking, drinking dominates them, and they can’t stop until they reach the bottom or until something else happens that stops them. Support groups for addicts describe the inability to stop drinking in graphic terms, for example: “It’s the first drink that gets you hooked,” or “One drink is too many and a thousand aren’t enough.” Therefore, total abstinence from all drinking of alcohol is the thing desired -- simply not starting to drink. That is how total abstinence, from any behavior that we choose, works -- simply abstaining completely day by day. Such abstinence is a very strong and meaningful kind of action, a conscious and deliberate action that requires care and effort not to do the thing that we want to stop under any circumstances. It’s an act that demands our full attention. Abstinence, as a meaningful act, recalls an interesting sentence in the Bhagavad-Gita, one of the fundamental holy books of Hinduism, according to which (Ch. 4): “He who can see inaction in action, and action in inaction, is the wisest among men.” Abstinence is like inaction
, which is a very strong action, promoting change and growth. Growth begins when we abstain from something destructive, harmful, or undesirable.

  Just so it won’t become too simple, we may remember that there are cases in which the opposite applies, where the problem is that we are actively abstaining from behavior that we regard as desirable. What does it mean? When we want or need to do something, but in a systematic and characteristic way we don’t do it, then abstinence is, in fact, abstinence from the non-doing of the certain action, in other words -- doing the action that we want. Here is an example: Jim was a youth who didn’t work, and wasn’t looking for work, for all kinds of reasons, even though he claimed he wanted to find a job. The reasons aren’t important. The upshot was that Jim wanted to work but there was no work, and inactivity disturbed him. I suggested he should try abstention from lack of activity, in fact, “Go and look for work.” It didn’t matter what work, so long as it was legal, of course. Even searching just for the sake of the search for work itself rather than to find it, put a stop to the previous situation in which he wasn’t searching at all. In his unassuming way, he took the search for work as abstinence from subsiding into inactivity. One thing draws another, “For a mitzvah (a good deed) brings another,” as Ben Azzai said in the “Ethics of the Fathers” (Pirkei Avot)(Ch. 5, 2). The new behavior created a new situation, and then came more behavior that suited the new situation, and then he found work. This was almost unintended, just arising out of abstinence from doing nothing.

  Sometimes the question arises, is it right to offer total abstinence as a tool, or is it possible and desirable to teach people how to moderate their own behavior and control it? There are people for whom it is easier to moderate themselves than to stop completely. For example, instead of abstaining completely from eating candies, to eat them once a week and no more. There are some for whom observing limits on behavior is possible, testifying to a fairly high level of self-control, at least in certain behavior. I met a man who, in the past, had begun to develop an acute drinking problem. He understood what was needed and took the decision to restrict his drinking to no more than one glass of wine per day. We met a few years after his decision was made, and he said that he was keeping to it. If people succeed in standing by a decision, for example, to eat candies only once a day and then only in small quantities, according to the plan, all credit to them. If a person can learn to self-regulate -- wonderful. Such a person doesn’t need the tool of “Abstinence,” at least not in the way that we have presented it so far. Sometimes all that is needed is to teach a person how to attain this level of self-moderation, and that’s it. When it’s in our power to sort ourselves out without total abstinence -- excellent, there’s no need to use the tool in this case; but where we don’t succeed, we’ll implement it in full.

  Abstinence is directed towards relatively extreme situations in our lives, or towards behaviors that are really troubling to us or to others, or that we really don’t want or that are harmful to someone or something. We don’t waste time, effort and a precious tool such as abstinence on behavior which is neutral, which doesn’t cause too much disturbance to us or to others and isn’t considered harmful. Abstinence is directed towards behavior which has relatively severe results, not wanted by us or others, when experience shows that we don’t have the ability to control ourselves. After the behavior begins, something that isn’t good develops, and almost always, this outcome has been foreseen from the start. Yet we don’t succeed in stopping the behavior and preventing the unwelcome outcome. The pattern of being carried along with the behavior to its unfavorable outcome repeats itself, despite our decision that perhaps this time it will be different. Behaviors which require abstinence are usually those we have tried to moderate and have not succeeded, more than once. These are the behaviors and situations that we find ourselves repeating and to which we return, slipping, falling, returning to the same pattern, the same situation, or perhaps a situation which has become even worse. In such cases, total abstinence is the most practical and reasonable option for creating change, when we observe it with the help of the other tools that we shall describe.

  A different case completely, and yet with certain similarities, arises when we decide to embark on a spiritual journey, and in order to progress, we take on ourselves abstinences, even abstinences from behaviors that are considered normal, reasonable and unproblematic. In the spiritual way of life, what seems to many people neutral or even desirable takes on a different significance, and then abstinence turns decidedly into an important tool on the journey. The use of abstinence may also be observed in spiritual traditions and in institutional religions, which prescribe exercises in abstinence on a permanent or a temporary basis, practiced with varying degrees of stringency. For example, among those who uphold the Jewish Halacha there are some who insist on abstinence from sexual relations and sometimes from any other contact between married couples according to the woman’s menstrual cycle. In other traditions, for example, among Christians or Buddhists, there are those who swear an oath of absolute celibacy from any sexual contact. To take another example, various religions encourage various forms of fasting at specific times, such as the Ramadan fast in Islam, or keeping to a diet with certain abstinences determined from the start (in Judaism for example, observing the “kosher” dietary rules or not eating leavened bread at Passover). Spiritual paths which do not necessarily belong to the tradition of a specific religion also encourage similar abstinences, fasting from time to time, avoidance of certain food, (for example, not eating meat), and full abstinence from behaviors which are considered unworthy from a spiritual point of view, such as gambling or violence. The Ten Commandments (Book of Exodus, Ch. 20, 2-14) include clear rules of abstinence, such as “Thou shalt not commit adultery,” “Thou shalt not steal,” and “Thou shalt not kill.” Buddhism lays down five rules of prohibition, for example, abstinence from killing, from telling lies, and from using mind-altering substances. In the Sufi tradition of Islam, abstinence is considered the first stage in the process of transformation of the soul. Without going into the distinctions between different abstinences, it is clear to us that accumulated human experience, as expressed in various spiritual approaches, has found in abstinence an important tool for progress, for strengthening the power of the will, for reinforcing self-control, and for the maintenance of a relatively pure way of life.

  Let’s return to the first option of abstinence, total abstinence sustained in a comprehensive manner, perhaps permanent. There are behaviors and situations where it is easy to see how this is a suitable option, for example, abstaining from violent behavior, verbal or physical, or abstaining from compulsive use of drugs or gambling. These are behaviors of dubious profit from the start, and the profit gained by abstaining from them is obvious. But there are situations and behaviors that are less clear. Here what is required is correct detection, which has been mentioned before: searching out and identifying the behavior or situation from which it is necessary to abstain completely. The accumulated wisdom of AA and NA suggests a practical definition that partially helps us in these detection efforts: to avoid places, things or people that can lead us into undesirable behavior or situations. This suggestion can be taken further and applied to other areas of life. We can scrutinize ourselves in depth, and seek out the people, places, or things which we would be well-advised to avoid completely. The logic is clear: if we are in an environment that has a very bad effect on us, that is toxic for us, then maintaining a desirable abstinence within it is almost impossible. How is it possible to get safely out of the morass while staying inside it? Abstinence guides us to replace whatever it is that we are sinking into. Sometimes the only option is to change the environment completely, change the physical, occupational, and social environment. For example, we may choose to abstain from going to a particular neighborhood because things happen there that are damaging from an emotional point of view (memories, for instance) and that lead us into undesirable behaviors and situati
ons. Similarly, it’s possible to fully avoid establishing contact with a certain person, visiting a certain place, or doing certain things. Sometimes it’s advisable to change a work-place or even a whole sphere of business, if something there isn’t healthy and is overwhelming us. As long as we are in a toxic environment or situation, the poison will go on poisoning us. In all these cases, abstinence helps us to embark on the way of change, and to sustain it.

  Sometimes, the thing from which we want to abstain is a certain style of speech, which creates or sustains a state of internal quasi-poisoning. I remember a number of people to whom I suggested they should abstain from swearing and abstain from bad language, the crude language of the street. Language influences thought and creates a reality, while use of another type of language creates a corresponding reality. When language is toxic, so is reality. Here is a graphic example. Joseph was a market trader. He spoke the language of the market, which was very rough and crude, not only when he was in the market but at home and in his social life. We spoke of the need to moderate his language. He didn’t entirely understand the logic. I asked him if he was in the habit of going to a synagogue occasionally, and he said he went almost every Sabbath. I went on to ask a question with an answer that was easy enough to guess -- did he tend to swear and talk crudely in the synagogue too? He was so offended by the question, as if I was accusing him of sacrilege, that he nearly cursed me. After I’d asked his permission to go on asking questions, I pressed him and asked if he refrained from cursing in the synagogue because it was a holy place. “Of course,” was the expected answer. I went on to ask -- “A holy place is the place of God?” “That’s right” -- he was pleased to find how understanding I was, and he prepared for my closing question: “Is God only in the synagogue, or everywhere?” “Everywhere” -- he replied instinctively, and began to waver -- “So God can hear you swearing and using bad language only in the synagogue, or everywhere, including the market?” “Of course, He’s everywhere. I never thought of it that way.” The upshot was that he took it on himself to refrain completely from market speech, even in the market, an abstinence that was revolutionary and challenging. From his point of view, the crude jargon of the market was the mechanism for survival in a combative world. But he was prepared to take the risk, determined to abstain from talking in a crude and uncouth way in the presence of God. According to him, a few weeks later, the change of language had completely changed his attitude towards his customers, even the “really dumb” ones. In a way that astonished him, the change in speech gave him relative ease, and even the struggle for survival eased off a little.