The Twelve Tools

by Natti Ronel

  Simple action

  I have presented “Just for Today” as a tool of change. but it’s more than just a tool of change, in that it exemplifies and expresses a part of the world-view of the Graceway. By means of “Just for Today,” the Graceway suggests to us that we should engage in activity that is directed towards change and aspires to it, while retaining its simple vitality and sparing us from excessive interest in what hasn’t happened yet and what has already gone. This reminds us of an interesting quote from the New Testament (Matthew, 6, 34): “Take therefore no thought for the morrow, for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof.” The events of the future themselves, to which we direct “Just for Today,” may arrive just as we hoped or expected, or perhaps not at all, since there is such a broad range of influences, expected and unexpected. Then “Just for Today” comes and focuses us on what needs to be done (or avoided) at a certain moment, while apparently ignoring the future. First taking direction and then working towards the future, while to some extent ignoring it, just for today. Thus, “Just for Today” reflects the Latin proverb, “Age quod agis” (Do what you do), telling us to concentrate on acting correctly just for today and not to occupy the mind with things that really don’t belong to this activity. “Just for Today” also comes close to the perception of Zen Buddhism, which tries to help us to fully live in the single moment. When the Zen monk asks his spiritual master philosophical questions which have no connection with the activity of the moment, such as, for example, “What is the nature of the Buddha?” the answer, in the spirit of “Just for Today,” would be something like, “It’s a good day for shaking out blankets.” Just for today a task is done in full, even if the task seems to us as menial as shaking out blankets, and through its focused performance, the right answers become clear to us, while the superfluous question disappears in its own irrelevance. “Just for Today” helps us to maintain simplicity on the way to progress and change, without becoming embroiled in ideas and decisions. “Just for Today” to do what we do simply -- that is the art.

  TOOL 3

  The Serenity Prayer

  God,

  Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

  Courage to change the things I can,

  And wisdom to know the difference.

  Let’s start with a moment of silence. … Let’s sink into it a little deeper. In the silence, we call to mind the events that have happened today. We see ourselves at various moments in the course of the day, from the very moment that we woke up to a new day. We ask ourselves with sincerity: where did I try today to change something that couldn’t be changed? Sometimes the answer arrives immediately. It’s possible to search for the futile attempt to change in moments when we were in a state of unease, pressure, distress, or something similar. If we find nothing relevant in the events of today, maybe yesterday? Or any other day? We’ll seek out situations of unease and frustration and ask ourselves: what did I very much want to change in a certain situation, but found that the change was impossible? If a clear picture appears before our eyes, we can go a little deeper -- how did the unease and frustration start? What did I want to change, but in vain? Let’s go into the experience and relive the sequence of events, while being aware of the interplay between various forces: the will to change, reality, and our feelings. … Let’s leave it all behind and go back to the deep silence. … Thank you.

  Serenity is a charming word. The very sound of it conveys to us a little of its grace. Most of the people I know want serenity and are willing to do a lot to attain it. Well, perhaps we are, in fact, less enthusiastic than we think, because sometimes it seems that we actually refuse to do the simple and feasible thing which could earn us a little peace and serenity. The thing that can be done -- is letting go. How do we let go? When, and from what do we desist? The answer is a secret, which with directed effort can be revealed. The “Serenity Prayer” is a tool with the special ability to guide us towards this revelation. Putting the Prayer into effect can bring more peace and serenity into our lives.

  The Serenity Prayer has been adopted by AA and other similar organizations, and it’s familiar to a broader public and almost universal. Its most accepted author is Reinhold Niebuhr, although there are several known precursors and also other “claimants to the crown.” Whatever its origin may be, what is known from accumulated experience is that the Prayer works wonderfully as a tool for change. Furthermore, the Serenity Prayer offers us a way of life with a certain world-view, which compliments the other tools that we are studying here. So much so, that when members of AA encounter it for the first time, they relate to it as a precise abstract of the step-program, and in my opinion, it’s also an abstract of the Graceway. To learn how to use it, we need to examine its different components in depth.

  God

  The Serenity Prayer is essentially a prayer, a personal appeal to God, as we understand God. The word “God” gives the prayer its declared spiritual framework. The word expresses a clear statement -- by saying it, each of us admits that we, in our regular identity, are not God, and we turn to God in prayer. The admission that we aren’t God may sound to us like a truism -- who thinks of himself or herself as God? -- but the fact is that almost all of us, at certain moments, “play God”, in the terms of AA. There are moments when we are sure we know everything, or at least know better than someone else, what is right and what isn’t. There are moments when we want to decide on behalf of others, when it isn’t within our purview and we haven’t been asked, or when we interfere in something that is no business of ours. There are also moments when we sure that “all the world is on our shoulders” and we must control every detail. What is all this, if not, for a brief moment, “playing God?” Usually we don’t admit this to ourselves, but we’re sure that we only want to help, that we have knowledge and professional or personal responsibility, and out of the goodness of our hearts we want to share it with others. Sometimes we are right in our perceptions, but what about cases where we get into fruitless arguments in an effort to have our opinion accepted? Or we use techniques of manipulation of various kinds. Or we do more than is required, forcibly and stubbornly? These are only small examples. When the idea is understood, it’s easy enough to seek out the points in our lives when we have forgotten that we’re not God, behaving as if all the power of God is invested in us. In every place where we try to impose ourselves on others, there must be a big question-mark, placed before us by the Serenity Prayer with the declaration of something that is apparently self-evident, that we are not God. When we stop trying to be like God for a moment, we can begin letting go.

  The invocation of “God” in the Prayer guides us towards something else too, the knowledge that we’re not alone. The very longing that is inherent in the word suggests a new order of things, even when we are still wrestling with doubt, or in a state of non-believing, and don’t know yet that we’re not alone. A person can turn to God in personal prayer, and even get an answer. In my view and judging from my experience, we will always get an answer, by virtue of the supplication itself, but there’s no certainty that the answer we get is the one we were expecting to receive.

  The appeal to “God” implies that we are prepared to leave behind for a moment our programs for reality, to suspend, if only for a moment, our impulse to dictate to God how He should be managing the world, or to complain about His management of the world. In addition, we can see an interesting phenomenon, when people rail against God and at the same time vehemently declare that they don’t believe in Him. They don’t believe, they don’t let go, but they are still playing God and still explaining to God how He should be running the world. Anyway, the word “God” defines or recalls to us a possible new form of relationship with God, with the world, and especially with ourselves, and it’s already starting to change.

  So far, we have dealt with the declared spiritual element of the Prayer. Going forwar
d, we will study it as an instrument of change, apparently not necessarily spiritual, but only apparently, because it’s impossible to ignore for a moment the fact that the Serenity Prayer has a spiritual significance which constitutes an important and central foundation of its energy.

  Serenity to accept

  The second part of the Serenity Prayer (“Grant me the serenity to accept” etc.) suggests to us a simple formula: serenity and acceptance are interrelated. From this simple formula, the converse may also be inferred -- lack of serenity is usually linked to non-acceptance. When we experience unease, frustration, depression, anger or even fear -- there is something in the situation that we don’t accept; we want something to be different or we try to change something that apparently can’t be changed, or at least it can’t be changed by us at this point in time. The gap between reality and volition brings unease, frustration, and sometimes anger. If we want to enjoy serenity and perhaps even experience liberation, the Prayer tells us to leave aside volition or craving, to abandon the attempt to change something that is outside our competence, and to accept reality. Letting go also means a respite from the pursuit of calm and serenity, since pursuing calm or serenity in an active way is almost a guarantee that we won’t get them -- because pursuit is the logical contradiction of calm and serenity -- but it’s definitely possible to let go of the wish to change the unchangeable; this is letting go that makes a difference.

  In order to let go of the wish to change what we can’t change, we need to be aware of the wish to change, and accept that there are things that we can’t change. There’s a difference between awareness of something and acceptance of it. Sometimes we admit that we can’t change something, and still we’re uneasy. Why? Because deep down in our consciousness we don’t accept that the thing can’t be changed and we long for it to be different. Our perception of reality leads us to admit that the thing can’t be changed by us, but the will and the longing for change still exist. Accepting that the thing can’t be changed by us and letting it go also means abandoning the hope that something will be changed, accepting that this is reality, and that’s it.

  Usually we try without success to change characteristic things that repeat themselves, and then unease is aroused. The dominant impulse is our desire or aspiration to change the other person. Any other person. Very often, too often in fact, we don’t accept the other person as he or she is, and we wish they would be different, different in behavior, different in outlook. But, in a fundamental sense, it is not in our power to change another person. Not at all, and it makes no difference if the person is under our authority or is our responsibility, or if he or she is someone we like and our intentions towards them are only good. We can’t change the person, and the sooner we accept our fundamental lack of ability, the better for everyone. We shall benefit too. It is possible to influence others, definitely possible, but the meaning of influence is that the change is theirs, whether it happens or not.

  Despite our limited ability, unfortunately, it is possible to force something on another; the world is full of human compulsion and it is suffering from it. Compulsion may be visible or hidden; it can exist between friends and lovers. The means of compulsion aren’t necessarily brutal, and can indeed be delicate, using techniques of manipulation that are almost imperceptible. But compulsion imposed on others doesn’t create real change in them, only apparent change, which is external. Usually, the results of compulsion come back to us later, and there is no peace. The wish to put ourselves in control of others is an obstacle to serenity, and that’s what the simple formula of the Serenity Prayer tells us about relationships -- we want serenity, so please, let’s set aside the impulse to change somebody else, and the attempt to impose our control on others. In every situation.

  There are other things that can’t be changed, but we often try to change them with a degree of compulsion. For example, things that are located in the world outside us. It is possible to influence the world, possible to be a part of the processes of change that determine the shape of reality, but every change of things in the world is possible only in a partial and temporary manner. It’s always possible that other elements exerting different and even contradictory forms of influence will come in, and therefore it’s easier to accept the dictum that we can’t change the world, but we can influence it. The difference between wishing for change and wishing for influence is reflected in terms of the results. With the wish for change, we’re tied to a certain outcome that we want. With the wish for influence, we are part of a process that may possibly lead to a certain result and possibly not, and we contribute to the process as best we can, guiding it in the direction that suits us. Understanding the difference between a wish to influence and a wish to change is the basis for letting go, and from this foundation we can progress towards what really can be changed.

  The knowledge that we can’t change the world as we would like, but only influence it, presents a modest perception according to which we are aware of our limitations and of the existence of many unexpected factors that aren’t under our control. The modest perception moves us forward, and instead of wasting our strength on things that are impossible to change, we are able to focus on what can be changed. We shall return to this later. For the moment, we shall content ourselves with the assertion that the world outside us is only within the range of our limited influence, and that knowing and accepting the factual situation leads to relaxation and the beginning of serenity.

  In addition to the world outside us, there are personal aspects of ours which are beyond our scope of control or change, and when we don’t accept them as fact and try to change -- we are subject to depression, frustration, unease and other such “favorite” situations. One of the characteristic things that can’t be changed, despite our vehement desire to change it, is the past. “Just for Today” reminds us that it’s impossible to change the past, what has already passed through the gate of the present and is receding from us. But how often do we sink into regrets over the past, with the fantasy that if only we had behaved otherwise, things would have turned out differently? Even feelings of guilt over what has passed are a situation of non-acceptance of the past. There is no intention to completely abandon conscience or self-analysis, far from it, but a situation where we are stuck in the past is a situation of non-acceptance, and it doesn’t express conscientious self-analysis. Accepting the past enables us to learn the lessons of the past and prepare differently for the future. Accepting the past allows the conscience to operate, upholding the Biblical statement “Whoever confesses and forsakes them [the sins] will have mercy.” (Proverbs 28, 13). Confession of error is a first step, and forsaking it means accepting that the error has been committed and not repeating it.

  Similarly, we can see that we don’t always accept the future, and we very much want to control it, in order to attain, guarantee, or change something. Since control over the future is impossible, attempts to control the future are made in the imagination, as fantasy. Although the future hasn’t happened yet, we have imaginary scenarios of the future which control us from an emotional point of view. For example, when we feel a sense of anxiety in regard to an unknown future, our anxiety is a feeling akin to fear, with an added element of negative emotional expectation.

  ***

  Before delving a little deeper into the depths of the uneasy soul, let’s take a short break. We leave it all behind, including the things we have just discussed, and take a brief moment of silence and inner contemplation. … We’ll analyze ourselves with all the sincere awareness that we can manage, and we will look for some quality or tendency that characterizes us, which perhaps we don’t like very much, and so far, we haven’t succeeded in changing it, despite our efforts. …

  Let’s leave awareness behind and return to the silence in which there is nothing but silence, and we feel the relaxation of silence. We return to the quality that we found before and take a sidelong look at it out of the silence that persists in th
e background. This isn’t easy; we identify with the quality, and at the same time, we really don’t want it, but we can look at it in a mood of relative calm. We look at our quality and bring our judgment to bear on it; it isn’t good or bad, it isn’t mischievous and lovable, nor is it aggravating or depressing, it’s just a quality or a tendency, and we’re relaxed about it. There’s no need to remove it or be freed from it, or to identify ourselves with it, just look at it with the eyes of relaxed inner peace. … Let’s go back and sink deeper into the full silence. … Thank you.

  ***

  When we go a little further into the depths of the soul and its behavior, it’s possible to see that here, too, there are many things which can’t be changed, and it’s not easy for us to accept them. The possibilities are almost infinite: our appearance and self-image, our family history which arouses negative feelings, our personality traits, talents, or the absence of them. A prominent situation that we want to try to change even though it isn’t within the range of our ability, is our emotional and behavioral weak point, including the tendency not to accept with serenity things and situations that we can’t change. A point of weakness can be a propensity for being timid, or on the contrary, an excess of bravado that amounts to tactless effrontery, a lack of self-confidence or an excess of self-confidence, a tendency to succumb to states of fear, or conversely, exuberance, a tendency to be easily irritated, to be critical, jealous, arrogant, and so on. A wide range of possibilities, but there are some that are characteristic of every one of us and they are expressed in characteristic behavior, in conceptual process or in social and emotional situations that repeat themselves.