The Twelve Tools

by Natti Ronel

  When there’s someone we can ask for help, and we’re asking for it, already something is moving, and we haven’t acted out of self-centeredness. Of course, there’s a danger that we’ll fall into self-pity, although the right help is supposed to reduce it. One of the most common and simplest ways of helping is to listen. Sometimes, all we need is the chance to say things, let them out from the domain of our internal noise. There was once a young man who asked me for a consultation, and he told me directly and forcefully that he wasn’t interested in advice or in my opinion; he just needed somebody to listen to his story. Over a few intensive sessions he told me almost every detail of his early life, but he didn’t want me to comment or show any signs of empathy. He finished telling the story, we met again once or twice, out of politeness, and he went on his way. He knew exactly what help he needed, knew how to ask for it and how to accept it, how to use it, and especially, he knew how to carry on with his life. He certainly made a good impression with his awareness.

  Sharing with another person, when that other is a reliable person who doesn’t judge us, who makes it possible for us to hear ourselves, and sometimes also helps us to see there is some universality and everything we’re going through is acceptable, human and shared -- is wonderful. Such sharing helps us to get out of situations of loud internal noise and to return to the way. In times of distress, when it’s as if we’re locked from inside into a course of action that’s liable to lead us to make mistakes, which we know from experience we are going to regret later, it’s possible to ask for help even without sharing the details of what we’re going through, just not to be alone, not to sink into self-centeredness. But when the distress eases a little, we’ll share it. The sharing, for its part, helps us to see ourselves from a slightly lateral perspective. Sharing also helps us to get out of our distress and here, there’s a cycle with a recurring feedback.

  To the notion of asking for help from others we could add what, in the twelve-step fellowships, they call “looking from the side.” This means asking another person for his or her point of view regarding what’s happening to us. The other person symbolizes for us the internal voice of change, which for some reason we’re incapable of hearing inside in the moment of distress or overwhelming emotion, and therefore, we hear it with the help of the other. This is a kind of “making for ourselves a master.” A master who understands things, without being judgmental, accepting, and knowing how to contribute a refreshing and sensible view from the side, can help us to get out of the cycle of overwhelming emotion and inner turmoil. We’ll ask for help from someone whose opinion we rely on, and crucially, we know that this person will prevent self-centeredness from taking a firmer hold on us. With his or her advice and constructive criticism, we can get back on the route that we want to be following. Asking for help obliges us to be open towards another person, in a way that transcends the tendency to indulge in concealment, shame, or other such obstacles, meaning less pride and a little more humility. Asking for help means being open to the opinion of someone else, and sometimes accepting that this person knows better than us at a particular moment. Thus, the sidelong glance of the other person is a kind of distinguishing of facts.

  When we ask for help from someone else, it’s sometimes possible to commit ourselves to change, witnessed by that person. Commitment before him or her is commitment before ourselves, with the other person serving as an external mirror. Clearly, the person before whom we commit ourselves has no authority over us, except that we feel ashamed if we repeat our mistakes after having made our commitment. We’re really committing to the basic element in us which is interested in change, the awareness that isn’t our ever-changing sense of self, but awareness that’s interested in progress and getting out of self-centeredness. Asking for help from another person turns into an act of finding in ourselves, while the other person reflects the part in us that we want to find but at the moment we’re incapable of finding. The act of committing ourselves to change before another person, is very strong, because it’s easier for us to flatter ourselves in our hearts, decide on something and not follow it through, defer all our decisions, and fall deep into self-centeredness. When another person is involved, the view is more linked with facts and less distorted, and we find ourselves advancing on a surer route. The fact that we’re not alone, but with the person who’s helping us, adds something positive, coming from us and directed towards the other, a kind of gratitude, which also helps us to avoid self-centeredness. Committing oneself to another person can be repeated daily, when a fellow of the way is found who agrees to help.

  When people come to me for consultation, one of my first suggestions is to ask for help from somebody. We look for somebody in the natural environment who could be suitable, who reflects for them what they want to find in themselves but can’t yet see. If there isn’t such a person, sometimes we “arrange a marriage” together, with somebody appropriate, for example, somebody who has been on a similar course of change and has some experience of self-struggle. I got to know a woman who, for many months, had been trying without success to give up smoking dope. She was lapsing again and again. In her distress, she arranged with a fellow of the way to have a daily conversation, at the end of every day, in which she would tell her friend whether she had smoked that day or not. They kept up the daily conversation for more than half a year. She reported on her progress in a fairly factual style, and then, quite naturally, they moved on into a normal social conversation. At a certain stage, when she felt that her cleansing from dope was holding, they stopped the daily conversation. Years later, she was still clean. In addition, the two of them enjoyed the friendship which had strengthened.

  As usual, we suggest a daily review at the end of each day -- today have we been carried away with ourselves in an uncontrollable manner, and not succeeded in finding in ourselves something which could stop the drift? Eventually, did we find it within? Did we ask somebody to help? If so -- what happened? If not -- why not? As the example showed, it is highly advisable to arrange a regular daily support system, which helps us to uphold the commitment we have made to ourselves, and it reflects to us what we found inside. It’s worth carrying on with the exercise until we expose completely what exists inside us.

  TOOL 8

  Truth Only

  A lie is a temptation of a moment; the truth guides us beyond any moment.

  Let’s start with a moment of silence. We listen to the silence which stands in its own right, and the thoughts rise and fall in it. Sensations too. All the voices are transient and only the silence remains. We stay with the silence and ask ourselves when we told lies today and why? If we didn’t lie intentionally, perhaps we just misled someone, or pretended, or cheated a little? If not today, maybe yesterday? Let’s look at the lie and the deception from the side, without judging, or apologizing, or blaming ourselves or someone else. Seeing ourselves in the game of life, leaving the truth behind for the sake of something else. Now, let’s go back to the deep silence in which everything is swallowed up, including the lies that we told, the pretense, and the various forms of fraud. … Thank you.

  Between lies and truth

  What is truth? People tend to philosophize at length on this question. In the post-modern world, for example, it’s acceptable to claim that truth is relative. Apparently, this sounds fine and open: each of us has his or her own truth. But seeing truth as relative leads to some obvious contradictions. For example -- is the claim that truth is relative also a relative claim? And so on. Thinking that truth is relative is liable to create absurd life-situations, especially when there is conflict between beliefs and values of different people. For example, the way women are treated in different cultures, including those where a raped woman is blamed for tempting the rapist! Are we ready to accept such treatment as legitimate, based on the “relativity of truth”, as legitimate as equal treatment for women and protection of any person from sexual or other harm? And then the question arises, are there a
ny situations where we’re not prepared to take on relative perceptions? And another pertinent question, do we accept the relativity of truth in all circumstances, and thereby, have we turned the relativity itself into something definite? For example, a decent attitude which respects all people irrespective of gender or origin -- is it always right, or only in a relative sense? When we philosophize too much about the truth, we’re liable to leave behind direct, simple intelligence and arrive at the absurd situation where we’re obliged to invent more philosophizing.

  Let’s examine the question of truth from another direction. Since our perception is limited by its very nature and full of distortions, as we have seen before, the distinguishing of absolute truth and the knowledge of what is truth in a given situation are sometimes hidden from our eyes. All the same, we usually know when we abandon truth consciously and distort things, lie, falsify, pretend, etc. Self-knowledge in relation to truth, and especially with regard to the conscious abandonment of it, is a steady starting-point from which we can grow.

  We spoke previously about the perception of reality and about our distortions, and we suggested an approach which sets out to reduce distortions as far as possible while remaining faithful to facts. The “Truth Only” tool suggests another comprehensive possibility, and this is the conscious decision that we talk, act, and create for “Truth Only.” Also worthwhile, when we relate to ourselves, is what we call sincerity. The more we adhere to the truth as we know it, our ability to distinguish facts grows and distortion is reduced. This is also correct regarding our self-dialogue, and sincerity grows proportionately.

  When we look at ourselves with sincerity, in moments of lying or deceit, we can see that we’re lying, faking, pretending, or engaging in manipulations on account of our self-centeredness. Self-centeredness offers us a way of deceit, as an easy and legitimate means of getting something that it wants -- satisfaction, achievement, or avoidance of pain or disappointment. Hence, it follows that distancing ourselves from the truth reflects our self-centeredness and even serves it. For example, someone is in the habit of flattering people who are dominant, according to his or her assessment, with the aim of gaining their apparent appreciation. Flattery is a form of emotional manipulation in which there is falsehood, whether small or large. It’s easy to see that this falsehood is a lie. It may be a subtle lie, which we consider to be beneficial for us, and definitely doing no harm. Flattery is deceit which emanates from self-centeredness -- from the aspiration to “take” something of the power of the person who is considered to be dominant. Self-centeredness focuses us on the external, while completely ignoring what exists inside, which stands beyond self-centeredness. Over time, the habit perpetuates itself, and we live lives of deception. Adhering to the truth to the best of our conscious ability brings along something different, which is standing up to the temptations of self-centeredness. Living the grace is expressed, among other things, by desisting from social falsehood, and then self-centeredness is diminished, and a better alternative arises.

  When we deceive, cheat, lie and other such things, we are trying, through distancing ourselves from the facts and from the truth, to bring about results that we consider beneficial for us. Self-centeredness is usually focused on results, a focus that makes it easier for it to mobilize our willpower and our awareness. Who is not interested in favorable and guaranteed results, even at the price of a minor lie or misinformation that isn’t considered as such? The lie and the misinformation enable us to profit in a way we consider just, and also to influence people in a direction favorable toward us. But the price is growing dependence on external results, and as we’ve said before, at the expense of the internal. Do you remember that the external is changeable, transitory, and deceptive? Do you remember that there is no serenity when we search for it or for other attainments on the outside, and our ability to control the external is limited?

  Adherence to the truth denotes introspection with great power, and it releases us from dependence on the external. Adherence to the truth frees us from dependence on results, in spite of their tempting promise and in spite of the apparent logic that points us in that direction. Fear or anger and even the urge to make our lives more pleasant are directed towards results, and if we get the results that we feel are needed by means of mild deception, we go deeper into the habit of lying, and there is no serenity there, no confidence, and no grace.

  Rachel was the mother of two daughters and she was married to a man who was emotionally and verbally violent. He used to insult her on a regular basis. After she’d learned to know him and to recognize what was arousing him to verbal violence, in order to prevent unpleasant episodes that would have a bad effect on the girls, she took to “buttering him up” with little lies to calm him down. Sometimes the lies were successful, sometimes less so. I suggested that she should adopt the “Truth Only” tool. It appealed to her, but she was afraid -- her husband would go on trying to hurt her, and if she were to stick to the truth, there were liable to be instances when the truth would only “warm him up.” We can see how Rachel attributed great strength to her husband and she was prepared to do almost anything to placate him and, in particular, to prevent his violence. She thought that she controlled the results -- by means of lies she succeeded here and there in preventing some violent episode, although not always -- but what kind of life did she have? Was this the way she wanted to live it? Evidently not. After deep thought, she decided to make the effort to stick to the truth -- and the truth only, even in confrontation with her husband, and even at the price of his outbursts. As a result of the decision to stick to the truth, the power relationship in her mind changed too -- her husband was demoted from the executive seat of power and instead a new force arose -- the truth. Rachel came to the firm conclusion that truth was stronger than her husband. After a few occasions when she kept to the truth, she realized that her fear of her husband was weakening. Adherence to the truth helped her to see her husband as he was, in his weakness, with his dependence on her. The decision proved capable of relieving her and liberating her.

  How do we use the “Truth Only” tool? The aspiration is to get used to speaking and acting truthfully. Despite this aspiration, we find that habit dominates us and the temptation of the moment is strong; without thinking, we introduce a small or a great lie into our daily life more than once a day. Even more than twice. The lie is a fairly acceptable norm in our social and cultural world, even when something else is publicly declared. We could make the effort and start to survey the widespread distribution of lies in the world around us. It is sad to see how widespread it is, and how everyone is used to it, even accepting of it. For example, in the movies that we watch, we can see how pictures of normal life show people lying incessantly, and it seems that they are all living with lies quite happily, because apparently there’s a justified reason, sometimes a simple egotistical reason and sometimes a quasi-altruistic reason. For example, wanting to spare people from feeling bad, telling them how successful they have been, when, in fact, they’ve messed something up completely. The message of the movies, of culture and society, is permeating us. We have already spoken of identifying who our teachers are, and a socio-cultural influence which promotes lies is a very strong teacher. If we don’t pay attention, we fall into its net and even justify it. It seems we don’t see another possibility, a possibility which is truth only. Usually, we aren’t searching and that’s why we don’t see. When we set our minds to stop deceiving, cheating, pretending, or lying, we start to distinguish the possibilities. It turns out that possibilities exist, but we didn’t know about them until we looked for them.

  Again, the suggestion is to test ourselves at the end of the day -- a self-analysis around truth and lies -- where today have we lied, cheated, consciously misled, or pretended? Let’s make brief notes on the analysis. Writing it down ensures that we will act and not just intend to act, and with its help we can also see the lies and deceit that still exist among us and the change th
at we’ll undergo. When we strive in a spirit of sincerity to document the events of the day for ourselves, seeing where we have departed from the truth, we develop healthy sensitivity towards the truth. When the episodes in which we’ve departed from the truth come to an end, it’s as if we’re waking up and consciously acknowledging that we left the truth behind, and something starts to irritate us. After a while, we start to notice diversion from the truth while the event is in progress, seeing ourselves from the side as we say or do something and the lie really makes us feel uncomfortable. After a little while longer -- we get to make a conscious choice before the deceitful event starts. We identify the temptation or the habit, and see there is another possibility, the truth. When this happens, we get freedom of choice and also a change in the perception of forces -- external results are less dominant over us, as Rachel learned, and the truth becomes a wonderful and illuminating force for us. Adherence to truth which is free from dependence on externals constitutes a part of the meaning of living the grace that we want to encounter.

  As time passes, we become accustomed to the truth, and we are more capable of identifying small nuances of daily life in which we move away from the truth. We’re more aware of the moments in which we have said things which at one time we didn’t even know were lies, or we made mistakes that we didn’t even notice. For example, someone asks us if a certain shop is open now, and without thinking about it or checking it out, we answer what we answer, and it isn’t correct. An answer that isn’t right isn’t the truth. When we want to tell the truth, we learn to check ourselves before giving an answer, or we answer in a less decisive fashion, something like: “If I remember correctly, the shop is still open.” Thus the “Truth Only” tool makes something else for us, the development of humility. We realize we’re not omniscient, learning to check ourselves well before we answer and also learning not to answer if we don’t know, or giving more accurate answers in which there’s some humble acceptance of the limitations of our knowledge. The “Truth Only” tool maintains the distinguishing of facts and guides us on the way, liberating us from the excessive self-image of “the one who knows everything.” Through adherence to truth we learn to admit what we don’t know, but on the other hand, we also learn to admit what we do know, and evidently there’s a lot of that too.