Broken (Nick #1)

by Annie Jocoby

  When she pulled away from me, I wanted to tell her that I was in love with her. But I knew that it was too soon. Too soon for her to hear it, not too soon for me to say it. Because I had no doubt how I felt about her. I suddenly knew that she was the one that I always wanted, the one that I had been waiting for.

  I hoped that she would know it soon too.

  Chapter 24

  Scotty

  As I made my way back to the car, I felt like my feet were not touching the ground. This was my second kiss, and I was starting to not feel terrified anymore. It was almost as if I could eventually see myself trusting him. Which was huge.

  Jack was waiting for me in the limo. I got in, and he gave me big hug. “Scotty, oh my god. That man is divine. Absolutely divine. He’s not just eye-candy, but smart, nice and can play piano like nobody I have ever heard. And, girl, do you know what else?”

  “What?”

  “He’s not just crazy about you. He’s in love with you.”

  I didn’t try to protest, because my female intuition was confirming what Jack was saying. I did feel like he was in love with me. But whether he would stay in love with me was another question. I had to find out more about him. About his personal life. I mean, I knew the basics about this guy – about his professional accomplishments and things like that. But I didn’t know enough about him to really let myself go and get swept away.

  It didn’t really bode well, for instance, that he slept with Portia. And it apparently meant nothing to him. I couldn’t imagine doing something like that. I couldn’t imagine being intimate with anybody, ever, and I really couldn’t imagine just having sex with somebody that I didn’t care anything for. Yet he did.

  But Jack was incredibly happy for me. “Scotty, I think he might be the one. The one to finally get you to let your walls down and fall head over heels in love. And being in love is so much fun.”

  I wanted to be happy. I really did. I wanted, so much, to break down my own walls and let Nick in. More than anything, I wanted that. But that would mean that I would have to let go, release control, and be totally and completely vulnerable. How could I do that if I didn’t know how he really was? For all I knew, he was a guy who was in love with being in love. One of those guys who falls in love everywhere he goes and with every girl he meets, and then moves on to the next one.

  But there was a positive sign – I was actually beginning to think along those lines. Of breaking down and letting Nick touch me. It was becoming less and less scary every time I saw him.

  Now the only scary thing for me would be if I were vulnerable and let him in, only to see him lose interest and move on. That would be devastating to me. Absolutely devastating. And if he was a man-whore, this was probably what would happen.

  So I wasn’t yet ready to trust him.

  That night, I went to bed thinking about him. I was struggling with my feelings for him. I was in heavy denial about the fact that I was head over heels in love with him.

  I knew what I had to do.

  Chapter 25

  The next day, Jack had to go to work at the Jewish Bakery, and I was left at home with nothing to do. Well, unless you count studying and doing homework, which was piling up on me like never before. I have always been so good about schoolwork, but I never had something to distract me before. Now, I most certainly did.

  My plan was to call Ryan and talk to him directly about Nick. I just couldn’t bring myself to talk to Nick about the things that I really wanted to know.

  I tried to remember what the name was of Ryan’s animal shelter, and then I remembered it. Dalilah’s Friends. It was named after his daughter. It was only starting out, but I knew that he at least had it going somewhat. So, I decided to call that shelter and see if I could talk to him. I wanted to find out more about Nick.

  I had to find out more about Nick.

  I took a deep breath. It was Sunday, so I had no idea if I could reach Ryan there. But I hoped that I could. After all, the shelter was new, so they probably put in seven days a week there. I called the number, after finding it in information.

  To my surprise, somebody picked up on the second ring. “Dalilah’s friends, this is Iris, may I help you?”

  I was taken aback. It was Ryan’s wife. I didn’t really know what to say at that point. “Uh, yes, uh, could I please speak with Mr. Gallagher?”

  “Just a second,” she said, and, all at once, my heart was in my throat. He’s there. Now what? What are you going to ask him? I suddenly started to feel that I was doing the wrong thing, so I contemplated hanging up the phone.

  But, before I could, Ryan’s unmistakable baritone came to the phone. “Hello, this is Ryan,” he said.

  I didn’t know what to say, so there was dead air for a few seconds. “Hello?” he asked again.

  “Yes,” I said, finally. “Yes, uh, hello, Ryan. This is, this is, uh, this is Scotty. Scotty James. I, uh, met you-“

  “Of course,” he said. “Hey, Scotty, how’s it going?”

  “Fine, fine,” I said. “I hate to bother you.”

  “Not a problem,” he said. “You aren’t bothering me. What’s on your mind?”

  “Uh, I, I don’t know,” I said, suddenly feeling like a complete moron. “I needed to ask you some questions about Nick.” The questions would be intrusive, I knew, so I hoped that it didn’t backfire. Ryan was sure to talk to Nick about my calling, so this phone call might destroy our fledgling relationship.

  “Sure,” he said. “Go ahead. I know everything about him.”

  “Well, I hate to bother you while you’re working.”

  “I do have to get back to work in a bit. But shoot. Go ahead and ask me what you need to ask me.”

  Deep breath. “Well, I, I, am starting to. I mean, I like him,” I said, feeling like a teenager. An awkward, gawky, silly teenager. “But I have to know more about him before I, you know, get more involved with him.”

  “Uh oh,” he said. “Go ahead. What would you like to know?”

  Uh oh? What does that mean? “Well, you know, there’s this partner at the firm that I guess Nick, uh, slept with.”

  Silence on the line for a few seconds. “Yes, I’m aware of Portia.”

  Deep breath. “Is that something that he, uh, does?”

  More silence on the line. “Listen, Scotty, I know what you’re thinking. But, you’re different for him.”

  That answers my question right there. “Thanks, Ryan. I’m so sorry to bother you. I’m embarrassed, in fact. I shouldn’t have put you on the spot like that. Um, thanks again, and take care.”

  “Wait, Scotty. Please listen to me. I’m not going to lie to you. Nick has been around the block a time or two. But he’s crazy about you. He really is.”

  “Can I trust him?”

  Long silence. “Yes,” he said weakly. “Yes.”

  Not exactly a ringing endorsement. “Thanks for taking my call, Ryan. Uh, happy holidays.”

  “Happy holidays,” he said. “Really, Scotty, you’re special. I hope you realize that.”

  “Sure, of course,” I said, not convinced at all. “Well, bye.”

  “Goodbye. Call me any time you need me.”

  “Thanks, I will,” I said, “talk to you later.”

  Then I hung up the phone.

  What a nice guy, that Ryan. But I read between the lines of his silence and his evasive answers. The evidence was piling up that Nick was a guy who got around. And why wouldn’t he? A guy who looked like that, who was that outgoing, intelligent, accomplished and wealthy? He was very desirable for any girl.

  So, I knew that my brick wall would not be coming down just yet. I was in love with Nick. I couldn’t help that. To try to make myself not be in love with him was as useless as trying to make the sun not shine in the morning. But that didn’t mean that I would let him in.

  Of course, this could all be my way of denying him because I was still afraid of getting to the point where I would be getting intimate with him. Because that was inevi
table. So, it was easier to simply not let it go any further with him.

  I had to make a decision here. I wouldn’t let him get close to me.

  Because one thing was for sure.

  He had the potential to hurt me far more than Mr. Lucas ever did.

  Chapter 26

  Nick

  Well, that went well, I thought after I woke up that Sunday morning. Better than I could have ever thought it would. I would give Bob a call tomorrow, and then maybe arrange to have lunch with Jack, with the excuse that I wanted to talk to him more about his Broadway ambitions. Then casually launch into the topic of Scotty. I knew what I wanted to find out, and I knew how to get the information.

  I was looking forward to it. I was so looking forward to being able to be with Scotty, really be with her, on a more frequent basis. Maybe even a permanent basis. But, I couldn’t get ahead of myself. I first had to find out all the potential landmines that might pop up.

  It was just then that my phone started ringing. It was Ryan’s ring, and his face popped up on my phone. “Buddy,” I said. “What’s going on?”

  “Hey,” Ryan said. “Uh, I need to talk to you about something.”

  “What?” I asked, feeling somewhat anxious.

  “Well, uh, Scotty just called.”

  I started to feel a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. “Okay.”

  “She wanted to know, basically, if you, uh, get around.”

  Now I was alarmed. “Why? What would make her think that?”

  “Well, Portia. But, probably, it's just because she’s a woman. She probably just has a gut feeling about you.”

  Oh, crap. Crap. Crap. Crap crap crappity crap. “What did you tell her?”

  “I didn’t tell her much. But Nick, I can’t lie completely. I did, uh, tell her that you’ve been around the block a few times.”

  “You what?” I was incredulous. “Why, pray tell, why would you tell her that?”

  “Nick. I was being charitable. If I was being honest, I probably would have told her that Wilt Chamberlain would be impressed with your numbers.”

  “Thanks. Thanks a lot. Jesus fucking Christ, I was getting somewhere with this girl, now here you go, fucking everything up. Thanks a fucking lot.”

  “Sorry, Nick. That came out wrong. All I said was that you’ve been around the block a time or two, but I emphasized that she was different.”

  “And? Did she believe you?”

  “I don’t think so. I’m so sorry, she took me completely by surprise. I wasn’t prepared for her to call me, period, and I really wasn’t prepared for her to be so straightforward with her questions.”

  “Great. Just great. So, now what? We were on our way. Now, I’m at square one. Probably even less than square one. She probably will never trust me.”

  “Well, maybe things will be okay. I mean, of course, it will make things more complicated, but you aren’t completely out of the game here.”

  “This isn’t a game. Not with her. Yes, I have played head games with every other woman in my life. Yes, I was a man-whore. But you don’t understand. She really is different. I can’t even explain it myself. All I know is that I am love with this woman, like I have never been in love before. I mean, I was in love with Iris, too, but not like this. Not like this.”

  Long silence. “I know, Nick. I know that you are. If you want, I can call her and try to talk to her again.”

  “No, no,” I said, feeling completely defeated. I was seeing my fantasy of having my own happy ending with the woman of my dreams slipping away. “That’s okay. I’ll have to figure it out. I’ll have to figure out a way to convince her about my feelings for her. To make her see that she can trust me not to hurt her. I’ll think of something. Anyhow, thanks for the heads-up.”

  I hung up. And, for just a few minutes, I despaired. It was totally not like me to despair about anything, because I was a man of action. If there was a problem, I didn’t let it defeat me, ever. I just built a better mousetrap. That was how I was. But my talk with Ryan made me despair. Because Scotty wasn’t one of my “problems to overcome.” She was a human being, with complex emotions, and she was somebody who I was in love with. And on my way to being head over heels, truly, madly, deeply in love with. I remembered my talk with Iris, right after Ryan was out of surgery, where I marveled that there was a woman that he was so completely in love with that he would literally give his life. I never imagined that I would give my life for any woman.

  Now, here was Scotty, and she was a woman that I would gladly take a bullet for. And she probably wanted nothing to do with me. So, yeah, I despaired. But only for a few moments. I wasn’t going to wallow. That wasn’t my nature. I was going to do something about it, nip it in the bud, and confront the situation. That was the only thing that I thought to do.

  I tried calling her, after looking on my student roster for her home phone number. It struck me that she hadn’t yet given me her phone number, nor had I given her mine. We just communicated in class and at work. But her phone number was on my student roster, so I called her. When I got her voice-mail, I had no idea what it was that I was going to say, so I didn’t leave any message at all.

  Okay, she’s not picking up. I tried not to think about what that might mean. It probably just meant that she was in the shower or something. Not that she didn’t have any interest in talking to me. Anyhow, she wouldn’t necessarily recognize my number on the caller ID.

  So, the Plan B, which was the plan that I really should have gone with in the first place, was to get in my car and go over there. Of course, parking would be a bitch. It always was. But hopefully I could find a space within a few blocks of her building. I briefly thought of calling Charlie, but thought better of it. I had no idea how long I would be in her apartment. It could be a few minutes, as I imagined the possibility that she would throw my ass out the second I tried to talk to her. Or, it could be hours.

  Or, maybe I just would never leave. It struck me that I would rather live with Scotty in her tiny apartment, than to live in my loft, with nothing but the cold walls and paintings to keep me company. As silly as it sounded, if Scotty told me tomorrow that she’d have me, and I had to live with her at her place, I would give up my beautiful loft in a heartbeat.

  That was when I knew exactly how serious I was about this girl. So, I wasn’t going to let anything happen that would keep us apart. I would find a way to make her understand that I have been a man-whore all my life, but I was ready to give it all up, wanted to give it all up, for her.

  But convincing her of that was going be very, very difficult.

  Not impossible, though. I just had to make her understand why I was the way that I was.

  And make her understand why it was that I felt the need to change.

  Chapter 27

  So, I found myself in my Jag making my way through heavy New York traffic. As if there was any other kind. I never have had patience for the traffic, but, as I made my way to her apartment uptown, the logjam seemed interminable. I cursed every red light. After all, the longer it took me to get to her, the more likely it would be that she wouldn’t be in her apartment anymore. If she was like most New Yorkers, she probably would be doing something on a Sunday afternoon, even if it was freezing outside. Brunch with girlfriends. Shopping. Catching a movie. Hell, she might even make her way to the Columbia library and study, if she was particularly industrious. The point was, I had to catch her before she made her way to do anything else.

  But, I finally made it. I was able to actually park the car within five blocks of her place, which seemed a miracle to me. I walked along the sidewalk to her building, feeling apprehensive and nervous. How would she be? What would she say? How would I convince her that I was willing to change for her? Could I convince her?

  One thing was for sure, though. I felt that the time had come to be completely honest with her about my past. I mean, no way would I give her numbers. For one thing, I had lost count a long, long, long time ago. For another,
I didn’t want to send her running for the hills when she learned that I was well in the triple digits. And I didn’t think that she was quite ready to hear that I was bisexual. That would really freak her out. But, then again, it’s going to come out sooner or later. Better just lay all your cards on the table right now. And, just the thought of laying myself bare like that, and not knowing how it would be received, was terrifying. Terrifying, and absolutely necessary. Ryan opened the door for having a conversation like this, so maybe it was all for the better.

  These were all my thoughts as I made my way to her building. My heart was pounding out of my chest, my knees felt like they were going to buckle, and I was shaking as I pushed the buzzer for her apartment. Please, Scotty, be there. Please be there.

  Then her voice. “Hello? May I help you?”

  She’s there! But I lost my voice momentarily. Then, I got up the courage to address her through her buzzer. “Hi, Scotty. This is Nick.”

  Silence. The pause seemed to last a lifetime as I stood outside in the freezing cold, hoping and praying that she would give me the time of day. Then – “Uh, hi, Nick. I can’t let you come up right now. I’m getting ready to leave.”

  Okay, now, O’Hara, it’s time to use whatever you have learned about finesse. You can’t go in there like your usual bull in a china shop. Oh, but, how I wanted to. I wanted to demand that she let me up and talk to me. That was my usual way of getting things done.

  Of course, things had to be done differently here. “Scotty, please, I need to talk to you. I understand if you don’t want to see me, but it’s really important.”

  Silence again, but the door buzzed, to my profound relief, and I was able to get in. I dashed up the four flights of stairs, not wanting to wait for the elevator, and knocked on her door.