Broken (Nick #1)

by Annie Jocoby

  I cursed myself and my emotions as I lay on the couch. Schoolwork was piling up. I was always so diligent with it before – studying and researching in my free time, taking great care with my design projects, and just generally being a conscientious student. Now, it seemed that Nick took up all my mental energy, and I could see myself falling behind. Falling behind was something that couldn’t happen. If I was going to ever have anything in my life, I had to make sure that I got my master’s degree. I could just be happy being a really good architect, and create projects that people love around the world.

  I was losing hope that I ever would have a normal relationship with a man, so my career would be the only thing that would sustain me.

  So, in a way, I started to panic a little. I couldn’t have Nick, yet my mental energy was so focused upon him that there was a real chance that I would fall behind to the point where my grades would suffer. I always got straight As, and getting straight As was important to me. Yet, I worked hard for my grades. Lately, I hadn’t been working very hard at it. I might end up with some Bs and Cs, and that would devastate me even more.

  I just had to put Nick out of my mind. I had to put my nose back to the grindstone and power through it. Who knows? Maybe it would help me get over my feelings for this elusive man.

  Which is what I did. I turned off the television and got right to work, and, after a few hours, I was feeling better about myself again. That was, until Jack got home from his job at the bakery.

  “Love, so, tell me, tell me. Have you heard from your dream man today?” he asked me as he got into the apartment and put threw his coat and hat on the sofa. “I’ll get that later,” he said, motioning to the garments that he just threw off.

  I got up and took his hat and coat and hung up the coat in the coat closet and threw the hat on the rack we had in the closet. “Uh, yeah,” I said, sitting down with him on the couch. “Yeah, he, uh, came over for awhile.”

  “So, tell me. When’s the wedding? And can I be your candlegirl? I’ve always wanted to do something like that.”

  “Jack, if I ever got married, you’d be my guy of honor. Or whatever they call men who stand up for women at a wedding. But you would be waiting a long time for something like that to happen.”

  Jack looked at my suspiciously. “Why do I get the feeling that you did something really stupid when Nick came over here?”

  I said nothing, but just looked down at the coffee table.

  “Scotty Marie. Did you cut Mr. Dreamboat loose? Because, if you did, I swear to god, I’ll…”

  He didn’t finish that sentence, but just raised his eyebrow and got up to make both of us a drink. He came back, and handed me a vodka and water, and said “ok, out with it. What happened?”

  I took a deep breath. “Well, I got to thinking about Nick and Portia.”

  “Portia….De Rossi? What does she have to do with anything?”

  “No, Portia from the Merchant of Venice.” I rolled my eyes. “Please let me finish. Anyhow, Portia is the woman who Nick slept with at the firm. It was obviously casual for him, by the way that he treats her. And, to tell you the truth, when I found out about it, I didn’t think twice. I mean, at that time, I didn’t think that Nick was interested in me. Then, with the two kisses, I realized that he was unmistakably interested in me, so I started to think about Portia again.”

  “Oh good god, I think I know where this is going. But, please, go on with your story.”

  “So, I called Ryan to ask him a few questions about Nick. And I could tell, I could sense, that Ryan was trying hard not to tell me that Nick, um, sleeps around a lot. And when I asked Ryan if I could trust Nick, he was silent for a long time and then he just barely said the word ‘yes.’”

  Jack was now looking at me like he wanted to slap me, or pour my drink over my head like he did before. “Go on, Scotty,” he said, sipping his vodka.

  “Well, Nick came over today. I guess he wanted to mitigate the damage, so to speak. And I, um, told him about my history. I wanted to explain why I didn’t want to get involved with somebody who treats sex so casually.”

  “Oh, god, you didn’t. You didn’t cut him loose. Please tell me you didn’t. I mean, this guy is so perfect and so into you. He’s the first guy that you have ever let get close to you. And you just threw him overboard like a smelly homeless guy in a crowded lifeboat.” Jack shook his head. “I don’t know what to do with you.”

  “I know, Jack. But I had to do it. I couldn’t get in too deep with this guy. He’s too…desirable. You know, he gets women flocking all over him all the time. And he doesn’t take sex very seriously, apparently.” I shook my head. “No, Jack, he’s just too risky for me.”

  Jack said nothing, but just sat there sipping his drink. But I could tell by the way that he was looking at me that he was pissed.

  “What?” I asked him.

  “Scotty Marie. Don’t you think it would be better if he would, you know, actually do something to screw you over before dumping his ass?”

  “Pre-emptive strike,” I said. “If it got to that point, and he continues with his sleeping around ways, then I would just be devastated.”

  “If ifs and buts were candies and nuts, we’d all have a merry fucking Christmas.”

  I just sighed. “Jack, don’t you understand why I had to tell him that we could only be professional from now on? Besides, that Portia has my number as it is. Nick and I become an item, and she will declare out and out war.”

  “Excuses, excuses. Now, Scotty, I’ve not said anything to you yet about how you are so closed off and how you’re going to end up alone. But that’s what’s going to happen. This was the best prospect that you have ever had, and you’re dropping him like a bad habit. That’s not right. So what if he has a sexual past? Most of us do. You know I do, girl, and you know that I’m one of the biggest man-whores around. I’ve had more tricks than Houdini. But if I found Mr. Right, I’d be settled down and not look at any other guy ever again.”

  I knew what he was saying was right. That I couldn’t judge a guy just by his past. But I couldn’t put my heart out there when I knew that there was a good chance that it would break.

  I was doing the right thing in not letting Nick in.

  At least that was what I told myself.

  Chapter 29

  Nick

  I’m driving back from Scotty’s, feeling more confused and heartbroken than I ever have felt before. All my life, I have managed to avoid emotional attachments. Well, my adult life I have. I’ve felt connected to Ryan throughout my life, and, to a certain extent, my parents. The women in my life, however, have consistently been non-entities, really. I hate to admit that most of them simply didn’t matter much to me.

  I knew why. I didn’t want emotional involvement. But Scotty was truly different for me, and I had yet to figure out exactly why. I think it was because she was really the first woman who presented herself to me as somebody who could care less about my wealth, which was intoxicating, in and of itself. But also that she was somebody who was so hurt that I felt the need to protect her and to do anything for her to make her happy. And there was something about her that made me think that, underneath it all, we really were the same. Both of us hurt and afraid of emotional commitment. But now I wanted emotional commitment, craved it for the first time in my life, and my past was getting completely in the way.

  So, I viewed Scotty’s reticence to get involved with me as nothing more than a speed bump. I knew that I would find a way to win her over, and I also knew that when I did, I would finally give up all the women, and men, who have come in and out of my life for short blips, and then vanish. I simply would no longer have a need for there to be anybody else but her in my life.

  Truth be told, commitment to somebody was something that I really had craved for some time. I lied to myself when I told myself that it was something that I didn’t want or need, but the fever had been breaking for awhile. Scotty managed to finally get through the armor that I bu
ilt around myself, so now I knew that I would never be the same again.

  I would bide my time. I knew that I would see her every day, really, between the night classes and her work schedule. So, I would be given ample opportunity to insinuate myself so that she could finally see that she could trust me.

  ∞

  In the meantime, I went to work trying to make things happen for Jack. I promised him that I would put in a good word for him, and I was as good as my word. I still wanted to get an in with him, so that he would say nice things about me to Scotty. It certainly wouldn’t hurt and might make Scotty see that I was a good guy.

  So, I called Bob on Monday, just as I promised.

  “Bob,” I said. “This is Nick O’Hara.”

  “Nick! Long time no hear. Although I did know that you were in town. I read it in the paper. Congrats on getting that new partnership, and congrats on getting the lead on the Chase project.”

  “Hey, thanks. I’m getting settled in here, you know, just feeling my way around. Anyhow, I wanted to call you about this guy I know, Jack Donaldson. He’s trying to get an audition for your new musical. Any way that you might be able to see him?”

  “Well, sure, but what’s he like?”

  “He has musical talent. He’s about six foot, pretty handsome really. I could send over some photos of him if you like.”

  “Sure, please do. You can email them to me,” he said, giving me his email address. “But, sure, buddy, anything to help out an old friend. What’s been going on? You still married to that Rielle woman?”

  “Uh, no. No. We divorced just recently. She got custody of the kids and the house in Kansas.”

  “Oh, sorry to hear that.”

  “Don’t be. It was kind of a disastrous marriage, to be perfectly honest.”

  “Ah, don’t sweat it. Finding women was never a chore for you, if I can remember rightly.”

  I just laughed. “True that. But finding the right woman…ah, now there’s the rub. Not as easy as it might seem.”

  “Don’t I know it. I’m on number three myself. Never thought I would be on number three before I turned 35 years old.”

  “Well, at least you keep on trying. I guess that’s something to say.”

  “Yeah. Anyhow, I gotta run. But send me the stats on this Jack guy and his pictures, and I’ll certainly give him an audition. Not going to promise a part or anything, but I have to confess that he does have a better chance than all those unknowns who don’t have somebody like you to recommend them to me. And, hey, you’re in town now, so we need to get together more often. Like old times.”

  “Sure thing, buddy. I’ll hit you up sometime and we can do dinner. Shoot the crap like we used to. I’m living in Tribeca, and I know that you’re living in Greenwich, so we need to find a way to get together more often.”

  We said our goodbyes and I felt better already. And I would be seeing Scotty today, so that cheered me up as well.

  Maybe I was living in denial, but I still saw a future in her.

  Chapter 30

  Scotty

  Oh, I am sick. But I am just sick over the situation, not physically sick. So, I can’t very well call in to my internship today. I just have to face the music, and act professionally. Nick was still my boss, and I was not going to commit professional hari-kari by quitting, just because I couldn’t allow myself to be with him on a personal basis.

  I reminded myself of my goals and dreams as I made my way to the office on the subway. I had hit a snag of sorts in getting somewhat personally involved with my boss, but that wouldn’t keep me from making the best of this rather tense situation.

  So, when I got to the office, I took a deep breath and approached Nick’s office with trepidation. “Hello, Nick,” I said, knocking on his open door. He was sitting at his desk, reading The Wall Street Journal, and eating a bowl of cereal and drinking a cup of coffee. His face lit up upon seeing me, and my heart melted and broke at the same time.

  “Scotty,” he said. “So good to see you. Come in, come in. I need to talk with you anyhow.”

  I hesitantly approached him. “You do? What about?”

  “Well, I forgot to tell you. You won’t be working for Portia anymore. You’ll still be floating for a week or two more, before you join my design team for good. But you won’t be floating over to Portia any more.”

  I looked at him, feeling startled. He obviously felt that I couldn’t handle her. He was right, of course. Portia was just plain cruel to me. But, at the same time, I worried about how that move would be perceived by the other interns, the other partners, and, especially, Portia. I wondered if Nick had managed to do more damage than good.

  Still, his heart was certainly in the right place, so I loved him all the more for doing that for me.

  “Uh, Nick, thanks for that. I just hope that it doesn’t backfire, though.”

  He nodded his head. “I know. I hope that I wasn’t rash.” Then he got up and stood right behind me. He leaned down and whispered in my ear. “I just felt the need to protect you. I hope that doesn’t sound patronizing. I really did it out of love.”

  His words sent tingles through every centimeter of my body. I felt warm all over, like a favorite blanket was enveloping me. Jack had protected me since I had known him, but, other than Jack, nobody had ever protected me. Quite the opposite. And, once again, I found that I loved Nick all the more.

  But I couldn’t show my love for him. I had to keep him at arm’s length. “Thanks again, Nick. I guess I need to get to work. I have projects to do for George and Roger. They seem to believe in me, even if Portia doesn’t.”

  Oh, but I soon found out that my initial hunch was correct. Portia was none too happy about not having me to beat up.

  She called me into her office.

  Oh, lord, here we go. I made my way to her office with great trepidation. I knocked on her door and she answered it. “Scotty,” she said. “I need to talk to you.”

  “Yes, Ms. Anson?”

  “Have a seat,” she said, gesturing to her chair.

  I did.

  She looked at me, her hands clasped, her body in an offensive posture. She was ready to go to war. I could see it in her eyes.

  “I don’t know what you told Nick,” she began, “but I certainly don’t appreciate him going over my head to get you off of my service. He obviously has no idea who he is dealing with. But I’m going to make damned sure that you do.”

  “I hate to sound disrespectful, but I don’t know why you aren’t talking to Nick about this. I had nothing to do with him getting me off your service. Why are you dealing with me instead of him?”

  “Oh, I’ll deal with him. Trust me. But I want you to know something. I’m the backbone of this firm. My grandfather was one of the firm’s founders, and I’m by far the biggest rainmaker. I bring in about $20 million annually to this firm, because I’m able to land projects that others aren’t. I’m aggressive, and I’m not afraid to use all my assets to get what I want. Nobody in this firm can touch me. Nobody. We have two hundred partners here, fifty of them senior, and our firm does around $300 million annually. You do the math. So, I guess what I’m trying to say is, don’t fuck with me. And if Nick tries to fuck with me, he’s going to find that he’s going to be out in the cold. Yeah, he’s talented and renowned, but, without me, this firm would be hurting.”

  I nodded my head, knowing exactly where this was going. Where it was all going to end up. It was simply a matter of time.

  I might as well get some experience there while I could, before the inevitability of my being fired.

  “I understand.”

  “You do? Good. Because I plan on making your life a living hell. Now, I’m working on the Penske project, and I want you go bring me a design of the first floor lobby. I need it in an hour. And, if you bring me another piece of shit design that looks like a kindergartener drew it, I will rip it up and stuff the pieces of paper in your pie hole. You got that?”

  “Yes, ma’am,” I s
aid, trying hard not to sound sarcastic or condescending.

  So, I got to work, going to my cubicle that the firm just gave me for my drafting projects. I felt intimidated and scared about doing this work for her. I knew that it wouldn’t be good enough for her. It could be designed by Frank Lloyd Wright himself, and, if it had my name on it, she would pronounce it amateurish and immature. I knew this going in. Yet, I was going to try my very hardest.

  I finished the project within the hour, after doing careful research on the building style and what would be necessary for the lobby. It really wasn’t a hard project – floor plans were never the difficult thing. The truly hard parts of designing buildings were the calculations that go into everything an architect does. I was good at the calculations part, which surprised me, because I never thought that I would excel at math. Calculus and trigonometry came easily to me, though, because my brain was very logical. I also knew that I had the creativity to combine with the logic and the pragmatism, so I felt like I could truly succeed at this profession one day.

  I believed in myself. Portia was trying her damndest to undermine this belief, but I had to not take it personally. She has the hots for Nick, she probably sees that Nick has the hots for me, and that was causing her bad behavior.

  This knowledge didn’t make it any easier, however, to see her literally take a lighter to the lobby plan that I presented to her after finishing it.

  I gave it to her within the hour, just like she asked. She looked at it, said nothing, but brought out a lighter from under her desk and set it on fire. She looked at me while it burned. “You see this. This is what I think about your work. I can’t believe that you continue to work here. You won’t get a permanent position here. You probably won’t even get a good recommendation to carry through to your next prospective employer. So, I don’t know why you want to work for this firm. Especially since you’re not being paid.”