Twilight of the Star Vampires (Set of Books 1-3):A Parody of the Twilight Saga, Star Wars and Star Trek

by Paula Sunsong

  The shuttle speeded upwards at a steep angle, pinning Obegone and Brun to the far wall, with Brun on top of Obegone. Obegone was not totally displeased with the situation, but Brun had other things on her mind.

  “Level the ship off!” she yelled at Luck.

  “Right-O!” said Luck. The shuttle leveled off. “See, I can fly it. I flew a similar craft back home.”

  “Let’s stay here,” said Obegone, his arms around Brun. “Let him fly it for a while.” Brun hesitated, then there was an explosion off the port side.

  “What was that!” Brun said slipping out of Obegone’s arms. She looked at the instrument panel. “Oh, no, you flew over a military base. They’re shooting at us.” Obegone looked out the window. Below were gray buildings, a landing strip, and tanks.

  “I’m monitoring their radio frequencies,” said Brun now sitting in the copilot’s seat. “They’re calling in air support--fighter planes.”

  “Can they penetrate this hull?” said Obegone.

  “If they get close enough, with a direct hit, it could make the shuttle crash. We need a distraction.”

  Obegone ran to the storage locker. “We have a silver weather balloon. I’ll partly fill it and throw it out the hatch.”

  “Attach one of the spacesuits to it. Put some of the garbage in the suit. The more volume we eject, the more likely we’ll screw up their radar.”

  Using one of the pressurized air tanks, Obegone only partly filled the silver weather balloon, to keep it small enough to eject from the hatch. Then he attached a silver spacesuit. Obegone poured trash into the suit, including a head of cabbage, alien gum wrappers, and uneaten worm steak.

  “Bon voyage!” Obegone cried. He threw the balloon and suit out the hatch.

  “It’s working, the planes are following the balloon,” said Brun. “Now I’ll get us safely back to the mother ship.”

  Below, Major Jesse Marcel saw the alien balloon and spacesuit float across the landscape.

  An alien spacecraft, with an alien on it! I’ll follow it, thought Marcel, and recover it when it lands. The journalists will hear about this. I can see the newspaper headlines now “Alien disc found in New Mexico.” I’ll be remembered for years to come.

  Marcel chased the balloon and spacesuit until it dragged across Mac Brazel’s field, leaving a trench and a trail of strange silver paper. Marcel opened the face of the spacesuit, revealing the half-rotten green cabbage head.

  “A green alien!” cried Marcel. “We can do an alien autopsy!”

  After reuniting with the Amazon Falcon, Brun, Chewy, Obegone and even Aretoo spent hours analyzing the data.

  “We’re ready to go back into hyperspace, and give it another try to get back to our time,” said Brun. “Three’s the charm.”

  They entered hyperspace, programming the computer to take them back to their own time. They jolted back to normal space.

  Chewy began immediately scanning the planet below.

  “I’m getting extensive signals from radio, TV, and satellites. It’s definitely more advanced than the last time.”

  “This time, instead of using the shuttlecraft, we’ll land the whole mothership. No fighter plane will penetrate this hull. It’s a lot thicker than the shuttle’s hull. Plus the Amazon Falcon has a stealth mode with radar deflection.”

  They landed in a wheat field, and walked to a nearby road. They hitched a ride to town in the back of truck. After determining the accurate year and time, they realized they were back to their own time.

  “Hmm, we left a strange circle in the crops,” said Obegone.

  “The hyperdrive will cause strange magnetic effects in that area for weeks to come,” said Brun. “I’m programming a course for Aldaran. Well, you can forget your troubles with those Imperial troops, we have quite effectively outrun them.”

  “Losing ourselves in time and space does that,” said Obegone. “Now let’s lose ourselves in the delicious sensations of human pleasures.” He moved closer to Brun.

  “Great, you can use the time to train me!” said Luck.

  Obegone tossed a blast shield helmet to Luck. “Here put this on, and try to hit the hover target with your light saber.”

  “But I can’t see with the blast shield down,” said Luck.

  “I don’t want you to see what Brun and I are doing. Let go of you conscious self and follow your instincts.”

  “What conscious self?” asked Luck.

  “Just do it,” said Obegone. “Computer, play mood music.” Barry White’s deep voice began singing sensuously.

  “Okay, Master Obegone.” Luck lowered the visor and began swiping randomly around the room. Meanwhile, Chewy and Aretoo played holographic chutes and ladders.

  Chapter 26 Interrogation

  On a space station shaped like a malformed black ping-pong ball, the Empire plotted…

  The staff of Imperial Generals sat around a modular table on white plastic “mod” chairs in a poorly lit room. It was a strategy meeting. Commander Darkin was playing football with quarters on the table with General Sarcast, who was losing. Sarcast looked up angrily as Dark Cater entered the room. Darkin took the opportunity to swipe Sarcast’s quarters off the table.

  “We need information, Cater,” said General Cowar, “and soon. The rebellion is well equipped and well organized.” Meanwhile, many light-years away, visor blinded Luck Stywalker stumbled over Aretoo, and ran the intercom system through with his light saber. It made one last dying squawk then went silent. “Until we have completed this space station,” said Cower, “it is vulnerable to a rebel attack.”

  “Fear will keep the rebels in line,” said Darkin. “Fear of this space station—as much fear as facing a poisonous Venebian Slime devil, as much fear as flying into the boiling surface of the sun.” Darkin leaned in towards the generals. “As much fear as attending their high school reunion when they’ve gained 25 pounds.” Darkin looked down at his stomach. He looked somberly back at the generals. “I should know.”

  The generals looked down at the own aging waistlines and nodded in agreement.

  “The rebels may even now have the blueprint of this station—and seen its weakness,” said General Cower.

  “Any technical data the rebels have is useless,” said Sarcast. “This station is now the most powerful thing in the universe.”

  “Hah!” said Cater placing his hands on his hips. “Don’t be too proud of this technological terror you’ve created. The ability to destroy a planet is insignificant next to the power of the farce.”

  “Your sad devotion to that archaic religion has not helped you conjure up the stolen data, or reveal the location of the hidden rebel base,” said Sarcast. “It has failed you, Cater.”

  “Take that back! Take that back or else…” said Cater.

  “Or else what? Come on, Cater, make me!” said Sarcast.

  Cater wiggled his fingers towards Sarcast in a choking motion. Sarcast’s gasped, and his eyes popped out. The other generals at the table stirred nervously.

  “I find your lack of faith disturbing,” said Cater, continuing to wiggle his fingers.

  “Commander Darkin, tell Cater to stop, he’s killing Sarcast,” said General Cower.

  Darkin held up his hand to the general in a silencing gesture. “Let us see what happens.”

  Sarcast gasped again, and toppled out of the chair and onto the floor. The generals stood up to see him on the floor. Sarcast rolled back and forth, a strange sound emitting from his mouth: laughter.

  “Damn, I must have done the tickling spell instead,” murmured Cater.

  “Enough of this, Cater, release him,” commanded Darkin.

  “As you wish.” Cater stopped wiggling his fingers, and strode quickly to the other side of the room to cover his embarrassment. It’s lucky he had on a mask to hide his red cheeks.

  With a few last chuckles, Sarcast climbed back into his chair, while wiping tears from his eyes. “Oh, I needed a good laugh. You can even keep my quarters, Darkin.”
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  “This bickering is pointless,” said Commander Darkin.

  “I’m enjoying it,” said Sarcast.

  “Me too,” said General Cower.

  “Cater will provide the location of the rebel base. When this station is operational, we will crush the rebellion with one swift stroke.” Darkin smashed his fist on the table to emphasize his point and accidentally dropped the quarters, which Sarcast quickly snatched up.

  Cater bowed to Commander Darkin, and left for the prison cells.

  “Open the door to Princess Lela’s cell,” said Cater to the guard. Cater stomped loudly in. On the bunk sat Princess Lela, carefully coiling her hair into bun shapes on each side of her head. Cater shook his head. Kids these days with their fad hairstyles.

  “I hope you find our accommodations adequate,” snickered Cater as he stood towering over Lela.

  “Yes, thank you.” Princess Lela said with no hint of sarcasm. “The guards have been very kind.”

  “Really? You like eating cold mush three meals a day?”

  “I was sick of my low carbohydrate diet.”

  “You like sleeping on a rock hard bed.”

  “It’s good for my back.”

  “You don’t mind the 24 hour security camera focused on you.”

  “Oh, I did that before, for my webcast. It got high ratings.”

  “Hmm, maybe I should move in here if it’s so comfortable,” said Cater putting his chin in his hand, and looking around the cell. He could add some comfy throw pillows and a breakfast nook. Plus, he could store his action figure collection above the security camera. Cater shook his head and focused on the task at hand. He leaned menacing over Lela.

  “Tell me where the rebel base is, or I will force you to move from this great prison cell to a luxury apartment with a soft bed.”

  “Tempting, but no,” said Lela.

  “Come now, Lela. If you don’t tell me, Darkin will use electricity on your legs.”

  “I’ve already done that to get rid of leg hair,” said Lela.

  Cater looked surprised. “Does that work?” He looked down at his legs. Would VQ, Villain Quarterly, like his legs better if they were bald? It might work better with his Roman mini tunic outfit.

  Returning to the interrogation, Cater looked back at Lela. “Well, if you’re used to electricity on your legs, then Darkin will use electricity on your face!”

  “I already do that for wrinkles. Haven’t you heard of Suzanne Somers’ Facemaster?”

  “No, but I use her Thighmaster.

  “I can tell.”

  “Thanks.” Cater swelled with pride. It was worth it to spend hours working on his inner thighs. “Okay then, if the electricity doesn’t work, then Darkin will pour hot wax over you. You’ll talk when it hits your crotch.”

  Lela started to say something.

  “Wait, let me guess,” said Cater. “You’ve already done that.”

  “To clean up my bikini line. Bathing suits are so tiny nowadays.”

  “I know,” said Cater going dreamy eyed inside of his mask.

  “Lord Cater,” said the guard. “Darkin texted us a message asking if you have the location of the rebel base.”

  Cater turned to the guard outside. “She is stubborn, bring in the Convince-o-droid!”

  “Not the Convince-o-droid, sir, it’s too terrible,” said the guard going pale. “She’s a lady.”

  “Send the droid in, or else I’ll use it on you.”

  “Yes, sir, immediately.”

  A strange humming noise echoed down the corridor, and became louder as it came closer. Lela looked towards her cell door. A hovering round metal robot floated in. Lela’s eyes zoomed in on the huge syringe in its cruel metal hand.

  “Intimidating, isn’t it,” said Cater. “Now tell me where the rebel base is or feel the droid’s sting.”

  Lela backed away from the syringe, until she was against the cold cell wall. She could go no further.

  “I don’t know where the rebel base is!”

  “Inject!” yelled Cater to the Convince-o-droid. The droid rushed towards Lela.

  “Convince-o-droid, inject Cater!” yelled Lela in a commanding Princess voice. The droid turned and rammed Cater, syringe first. It easily went through the cloth on Cater’s arm.

  “Ouch!” Cater stumbled backwards. “Why didn’t it inject the Princess?”

  “You didn’t specify which person to inject,” said the guard. “We use the droid for flu shots. It’s used to injecting the staff.”

  “What’s in the syringe?” Cater felt his head spinning.

  “Truth serum,” said the guard.

  “Yeah, I can feel that. The truth is you’re a jerk,” said Cater.

  “You needn’t get insulting, Sir. Union rules forbid management from using verbal abuse. I’ll report you to the union.”

  “We’re an Empire, since when do we have unions?” Cater was stumbling around the cell looking at the undulating walls.

  “Since the makers of coffee stirrers went on strike. Commander Darkin couldn’t stir his coffee and gave in to our demands.”

  “Darkin’s a jerk too, and the Emperor. Especially the emperor.”

  “Yes, Lord Cater.”

  “Nothing I do is ever good enough. The emperor is always saying ‘should of, would of, could of’.”

  “Yes, Lord Cater.”

  Cater looked at the walls, which were now doing a jitterbug with the floor. He turned to look at Lela before he got seasick. “And you, couldn’t you have dressed more sensibly? I mean a white gown shows every speck of dirt. Shouldn’t you be wearing a bra, young lady? Wearing tiny bathing suits instead! What would your father think?”

  Before Lela could answer, the truth serum overwhelmed Cater’s system. Cater did a face dive for the floor.

  The guard flipped Cater over. “He’s still breathing.” The guard looked at Lela. “How about some fun and games before he wakes up?” The guard winked.

  “Sure!” said Lela. The guard offered her his hand, helping her out of the bunk.

  They left the cell and stood in front of a storage closet. The guard hit a button. The door raised upwards, revealing an assortment of board games. “Which one?” said the guard.

  “You sunk my battleship!” said the guard after a few minutes of game play.

  “No, I sunk your deadly spacestation,” said Lela smiling, “or I will sink it, in the near future.”

  Chapter 27 Annihilation

  Cater woke up, when he heard General Darkin buzzing on the communication link. Lela quickly got back into her cell. The guard threw the game back into the closet and tried to look busy. Cater scrambled to his feet

  “Cater, come to the bridge and report,” said Darkin. Cater followed his orders.

  “Has she revealed the location of the rebel base?” said Darkin when Cater entered the bridge.

  “Her resistance to the truth serum is considerable,” said Dark Cater. Well, maybe if she’d even been given any truth serum, she would have resisted it, thought Cater.

  “Perhaps she will respond to an alternative form of persuasion,” said Commander Darkin. “Bring the princess to the bridge.”

  With much tromping of guards in plastic shod feet, Princess Lela was brought into the room.

  “Commander Darkin, I should have expected you to be holding Cater’s leash.” Lela stood proudly before Darkin. “I recognized your stench when I was brought onboard.”

  Darkin quickly dropped the leash he held that went to a child’s halter on Cater. “Wrong again, Princess Lela, and for your information, I showered and used Right Guardmen’s deodorant, with the manly scent.”

  Lela wrinkled her nose. “That must be what I’m smelling. What is the ‘manly scent’?”

  “Sweat.”

  “Why have you brought me here?” said Lela.

  “You will be here to celebrate the maiden voyage of this space station.”

  “Space stations stay in one place. Spaceships move.”
r />   Darkin looked confused for a moment, then continued. “In a way, you have chosen the planet for our little demonstration. We will test this station’s power on your home planet of Aldaran.”

  “The more you tighten your grip, Darkin, the more planets with slip through your fingers.”

  “Not after we demonstrate the power of this space station, um, spaceship.” Darkin turned to a sailor. “You may fire when ready.”

  “No, Aldaran is peaceful, and mostly harmless. We have no weapons…you can’t…”

  “Is there another target, a military target, then name the planet,” said Darkin looming over Princess Lela.

  “Planet Naziturn,” said Lela, her eyes downcast.

  “Naziturn?” said Commander Darkin. “Helmsman, move the Dearth Star to planet Naziturn. It will be our target…wait a second! That’s my home planet!”

  “It is a militaristic planet,” said Lela. Dark Cater and the helmsman nodded in agreement. “You did ask for a military target.”

  “Hmmm, yes, Naziturn is militaristic, and considering how the department of motor vehicles treated me, maybe I will blow it up later. Do you know how long I had to stand in line for a license for the Dearth Star?” Darkin shook his head and turned to his subordinate. “Naziturn is too far away for an effective demonstration. Continue the operation. Fire on Aldaran.”

  “Noooo!” cried Lela lunging forward. Dark Cater grabbed her by the shoulder and pulled her back.

  “Commence ignition of firepower!”

  The soldier flicked a button, causing rows of buttons to light and flash. He grinned evilly at Lela, than pulled a lever. Beams of light focused, coalescing into a single powerful beam that shot out of the Dearth Star towards the capital city of Aldaran.

  “Not the most populated city!” cried Lela.

  Darkin laughed madly. The beam hit the city. On the view screen they could see structures—skyscrapers, bridges, and freeways—disappearing, and being replaced by grass, trees and streams. Bunny rabbits, foxes and deer hopped out of a nearby forest and explored the new lands. People emerged from caves, unharmed, and smiled at the now clear of smog blue skies.