Twilight of the Star Vampires (Set of Books 1-3):A Parody of the Twilight Saga, Star Wars and Star Trek

by Paula Sunsong

  After defeating the Minotaur, Edward walked under the archway. A dignified woman in her senior years stood before him. She was clothed in the attire of the privileged class of Nabiscko.

  “Who are you?” said Edward.

  “I’m Paddy’s mother.”

  “I’m Edward, pleased to meet you, ma’am,” Edward held out his hand. She took his hand in both of hers, and stared fiercely into his eyes.

  “Do you want to be with my daughter?”

  “With all my heart.”

  “I thought vampires have no heart.”

  Edward felt sadness come over him. “I feel deeply for your daughter.”

  “Feel deeply of what emotion? Blood lust?”

  “No, it is more than that. I’m a vegetarian…”

  “Ha! No vampire is truly a vegetarian. Some day, you will turn on her, and you will be the end of her.”

  “Never!”

  “You will never be with my daughter. You are a monster.”

  Tears formed in Edward’s eyes. “I love her.”

  “You’re not good enough for her,” said Cater striding into view. “She is destined for me. What kind of love can you give her? Fangs in the neck?”

  “Leave her, vampire! Never darken her door again” said the woman. “Cater will give her all she needs from a man.”

  “Aha, vampire, now I’ve caught you!” Van Helsing leapt out from behind a wall. He pointed a shiny new crossbow at Edward. “This bolt is made of silver, covered in garlic butter and blessed with holy water, guaranteed by the manufacturer to defeat vampires, werewolves, zombies and various unsavory beings.” He let a bolt fly from his new crossbow. Edward jumped to safety. The bolt slammed into Dark Cater. Cater staggered backward, reaching towards Edward, trying to use a choke spell on him.

  Edward gagged, feeling his windpipe closing. He sank slowly to the ground.

  “Edward!” Paddy ran around the corner. She saw Edward choking. Cater’s hand was outstretched towards him and wielding the farce power.

  Paddy turned to Cater. “Stop using the Farce on Edward. Stop it now or face the consequences.”

  Cater pulled the bolt from his chest. “It’s too late. I’m dying, and I’m taking him with me.”

  Paddy looked at Edward and her eyes filled with tears. “Fight it, Edward.”

  “I’m…no…good…for…you,” gasped Edward.

  “Marry me, Paddy,” said Cater, “and I will release him.”

  “I thought you said you were dying.”

  “I can recover, if you just say the word.”

  Paddy looked dazed, and turned to Edward.

  “Live, Edward! Fight Cater’s grip. You are good for me,” said Paddy gazing into his eyes.

  “Your…mother…says…I’m…not.” Edward pointed at the older woman.

  “That’s not my mother.”

  “You…lied!” Edward glared at the older woman. Her image began to waver, and then dissolve. Underneath the false image was the evil emperor Palpitate.

  “Both Edward and Cater are dying,” cackled the Emperor. “What a pity. Such a waste of talent. But there still are your children, Edward. Both have talents useful to me and my evil empire.”

  “What children?” said Cater.

  “Luck and Lela,” said the Emperor.

  “Oh, your kids have the same names as mine,” said Cater.

  The Emperor rolled his eyes. Edward, Paddy and Van Helsing looked at each other.

  “Save me, my master,” said Dark Cater to the Emperor.

  “Save yourself,” said the Emperor. “Then finish off the vampire Edward.”

  “I will finish him. Die vampire! Paddy is mine!” Cater made a crushing move with his fist. Edward’s eyes flew wide open. Edward felt his chest collapsing.

  “Give me that,” said Paddy grabbing the crossbow from Van Helsing. She strode up to Cater and stood, menacingly over his prostrate form.

  “Let Edward go, or you die.” Paddy pointed the crossbow directly at Dark Cater’s heart.

  “You wouldn’t dare,” said Cater. “You were never the killing type.”

  Paddy kicked Cater in the groin.

  “Owww!” Cater bent over. His concentration broken, he released Edward from the farce strangle grip.

  Edward coughed once, then started breathing normally again.

  “Where is everyone? Mother?” It was Luck’s voice coming from the other side of a maze wall.

  “Over here,” said Paddy. Luck dashed around the corner, tripped over Cater and went sprawling into a belly flop next to Cater. Luck sat up, and stared at him. Cater was slumped to the floor, like a crash test dummy.

  “Luck, take off my helmet,” said Cater.

  “Don’t you need the helmet for life support? Are you all gross and monstrous under there?” asked Luck.

  “Don’t ask such questions.”

  “I mean if you look like a mildewed eggplant, I’ll toss my cookies.”

  “Just take off my helmet!” said Cater.

  Luck reached over and pulled the Velcro tabs apart that were holding Cater’s helmet. Manikin’s face appeared. There were no scars, weird veins or strangely bald head. Other than a 1980s lesbian haircut, he looked pretty normal.

  “You were right about me, Luck,” said Dark Cater. “Tell your sister, you were right. I am still good.”

  “I didn’t say you were good.”

  “Tell your sister it anyway.”

  “Cater is good--good at being annoying,” said Paddy, as she was holding Edward. “And Edward is good for me, good at love,” said Paddy smiling. Edward smiled back at her.

  Chapter 48 the Emperor Meets His Match

  The three Vampire Anonymous members chomped their way through the Emperor’s pink clad guards. Now finally, the Emperor had elite guards in blood red, at least on their necks.

  “Here’s the last one,” said Vlad, dumping the last unconscious elite guard next to the others.

  The Emperor turned off his holographic projection into the maze. It was what he had used to pretend to be Paddy’s mother. He looked angrily at his unconscious Imperial guards. “A vampire motorcycle gang member eating Imperial steak? Fast food is more your style.” The Emperor grabbed Vlad with his powers and raised him into the air. He looked for a wooden stake.

  “Darn this sleek modern décor, not a piece of wood in sight when you need one,” said the Emperor.

  “Let him go!” Natasha said and leapt towards the Emperor. Finding no stake for Vlad, the Emperor settled for flinging Vlad into Natasha. They collided in midair and landed in a tangle of arms and legs. It would have pleased Vlad, if the collision had not knocked him unconscious.

  “Now, Emperor-sir, that was unnecessary,” said William, the Vampire’s Anonymous group facilitator. “Let’s talk about not turning to violence as a solution.”

  “Let’s talk about violence AS a solution,” said the Emperor grabbing William next.

  More Imperial guards entered the room.

  “Oh, damn!” said William seeing he was outnumbered. “Wake up Natasha. William? You hear me?”

  One of the Imperial guards removed her helmet. She had her hair in two buns on each side of her head.

  “Lela, how clever of you, passing for an Imperial guard,” said the Emperor. “You are just the person I wanted to see. How would you like to join the Dark Side?”

  Lela aimed her gun, and answered with a blast to the Emperor’s chest.

  The blast crackled around Emperor Palpitate. He laughed. “I have the farce in me. Laser blasts are harmlessly dissipated by my force field.”

  “Your force field won’t protect you from attacks by the farce,” said Obegone, taking off his stolen Imperial guard helmet. “This is a long time coming, Palpitate.”

  The arrogant sneer on Palpitate’s face wavered. “So you did not perish at Cater’s hand. I will have to punish him for his incompetence. If he lives.”

  The emperor stood. “Now, Obegone, today is a good day to die, if it�
�s you who dies.”

  Blue lighting shot from the Emperor’s fingers towards Obegone. Obegone dodged it with surprising agility. Years of dancing had taught him how to move.

  “Let’s dance, the last dance, tonight,” sang Obegone. He spun as the Emperor fired off lightning bolt after lightning bolt. Obegone moved with the grace of a Jetti ballet dancer and the speed of a breakdancer. Each bolt missed its mark. Obegone leapt into the air and landed on top of the Emperor. The Emperor’s head hit the hard metal floor. Obegone executed a Vullcan nerve pinch he had learned from Spocko. The evil Emperor slumped into unconsciousness.

  Obegone began singing “Nah, nah, nah, goodbye!”

  “Father!” cried Lela running towards Edward and Dark Cater.

  “Daughter!” Dark Cater held out his arms. Lela ran past him to embrace Edward.

  “Oh, Vampire dad, we finally meet,” said Lela.

  “So this is a modern family,” said Obegone, “an evil Jetti step father, a vampire dad, and Luck who is...”

  “Jetti extraordinary,” said Luck.

  “And a former queen for a mother,” said Lela hugging Queen Paddy, her mother.

  Spocko put farce-enhanced restraints on the unconscious Emperor and Cater. Cater had survived and was being taken to the prison hospital with the Emperor.

  “Won’t they just escape?” asked Lela.

  “I have Vulcanturi security measures that will ensure they will not escape,” said Spocko. “Vulcanturi have high security standards, except in the case of one telepath.” Spocko looked at Edward.

  Edward looked back uneasily.

  “If you are here to kidnap Edward…” said Paddy striding forward.

  Spocko held a hand up. “I am a friend of the Rebellion. I will no longer pursue Edward. Apologies are in order for my kidnapping Edward. In helping Lela and the Rebellion, I hope to rectify my unethical behavior towards Edward in the past.”

  “I will hold you to that,” said Paddy.

  Spocko bowed to Paddy in acknowledgment.

  “The Rebellion has taken over the Dearth Star,” said Brun entering the room with other rebels. “The Imperial troops have been taken into custody. Some of them have already sworn allegiance to the Rebellion. The Evil Empire is over.”

  The group cheered.

  Chapter 49 Well Deserved Vacation

  Brun and Obegone reclined in the hot tub of the exotic alien resort the group had decided to vacation at. Obegone sucked on a straw in a coconut, while eyeing Brun’s body and her coconuts.

  “Come here, my Emperor defeating hero,” said Brun, crooking her finger. Obegone slid closer.

  Luck played alien air hockey with Lela. Paddy and Edward strolled the paths of the alien garden. They laughed as they fed hamburgers to the meat eating plants.

  “Score!” yelled Luck, as Lela occasionally let him win.

  “Yes, score,” said Obegone, nuzzling Brun’s neck. “Maybe I should pretend to be a vampire and bite your neck.”

  Brun laughed. Jaja Dinks approached with a tray full of “special” cookies. Obegone took one, and looked at Brun as she took one.

  “These are love cookies,” said Jaja. “How long the effect lasts depends on the real love between the couple.”

  “Shall we bite them, my sweet?” said Obegone.

  “Of course, you scoundrel,” said Brun, looking deeply into his eyes.

  They pretended to clink cookies like clinking champagne glasses, then downed Jaja’s love cookies.

  “You know, Brun dearest,” said Obegone as he felt the first tingling of Jaja’s special cookies.

  “Hmmm, yes, darling?”

  “Jetti celibacy is not all it’s cracked up to be.”

  “Well, well. What should we do about that?”

  Obegone got a gleam in his eye. He stepped out of the hot tub, held out his hand to help Brun out, then the two of them raced for their room.

  Afterword by the author, Paula Sunsong

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