Ruined

by Hanna, Rachel

  The crazy thing is that no one seems upset or sad. They all seem like they've moved on with life without a problem. I'm sure that's not the case, and I know there have to be struggles, but I wonder if Jake is going to be as resentful of Kellan as he fears.

  We have some coffee, and Kellan allows the cab driver to go. He says he'll call him back later, and Bill offers to drive us home if he needs to. They obviously expect us to stay a while, and that's okay with me since I don't have anywhere to be until morning.

  When we hear the door click open, I can feel Kellan tense up. We all know that Jake is about to roll into the room, and Kellan seems completely unsure of how he'll react. After all, he hasn't seen or heard from Kellan in five years and he was blocked from being in contact.

  Jake rolls around the corner, probably fully expecting to see his father and fiancee, and his eyes get wide when he sees Kellan. He doesn't say anything or crack a smile, but he doesn't look angry either. He just looks shocked. Similar to the way his father looked when he opened the door and found us standing on his front stoop.

  "Hey, Jake," Kellan says as he slowly walks towards Jake and then stops about five feet in front of him. Jake continues to stare at him in shock as if he's having a hard time processing the man standing in his living room.

  "Kellan?" Kellan nods to affirm that he is there in the flesh.

  "Yes. It's me. I got out a couple of weeks ago. It's good to see you, man." I can tell that Kellan is searching for the right words to say, and I would be too. I'm not sure I have the courage to do what he's doing right now.

  "It's good to see you too," Jake says. I hear Kellan sigh audibly as if he's relieved at Jake's response.

  "I'm glad to hear that. I was a little worried about coming here."

  "Come on, Bria. Why don't you help me out in the garden for a few minutes?" Bill says knowing that he needs to give the men some time alone.

  "I should go too," I say as Kellan reaches out and grabs my arm and shakes his head. I can tell that he wants me to stay with him for comfort and stability, so I walk to the other side of the room and sit down.

  Jake follows me with his eyes as if he's wondering who I am, but they have much more important business to attend to than me. I just want to be a fly on the wall not interfering in any way.

  "Kellan, I don't understand."

  "You don't understand what?"

  "Why would you block me from contacting you for five years and then just show up in my living room without telling me? I thought we were done, that you never wanted to see me again."

  "I just couldn't do it, Jake. You were my best friend in the world, and I let you down in the worst way. There was no way that I could face all of the emotions while I was in prison. It would've made me a target, and I knew that I couldn't read letters from you or take phone calls from you or visit with you without getting overly emotional."

  Jake nods as if he understands and then cuts his eyes over to me. "Who is this?"

  Kellan smiles and waves me over. "This is actually my new stepsister, although it kind of creeps me out to call her that since we only just met. So let's just call her my new friend," Kellan says winking at Jake. What the heck did that mean?

  Jake smiles as if he knows that we don't have a stepbrother/stepsister type of bond. I don't know what we have just yet, and maybe we will grow into friends or even something else, but right now I don't know what to call what we're doing.

  "Nice to meet you," I say. I reach out and shake Jake's hand and I'm struck at how incredibly strong he is. I imagine pushing his wheelchair around in races has built up some pretty massive biceps under that T-shirt.

  He's a good-looking guy, almost as good-looking as Kellan. He has dirty blond hair and brown eyes, and he's tan from being outside so much. If I saw him sitting at a table, I would have no idea that he's in a wheelchair. He seems strong and confident and completely unaffected by the fact that he's sitting in a wheelchair without the use of his legs. I know that can't be the case, but he certainly doesn't seem to be limited in any way.

  "Jake, I'm so sorry, man. You'll never know how sorry I really am." Kellan says. Jake cocks his head to the side and looks confused.

  "Sorry for what?"

  Of course, I know what Kellan is apologizing for. He has given his friend a lifelong handicap of being in a wheelchair without the use of his legs, but Jake seems honestly confused and almost amused by what Kellan just said to him.

  "For putting you in this wheelchair. If I hadn't been drunk. If I hadn't fallen asleep…"

  "Oh, man. Don't do that to yourself. I don't blame you for this at all."

  Kellan's mouth drops open and he kneels down in front of his friend. "Jake, if I hadn't been so irresponsible, you wouldn't be sitting in this wheelchair right now. We'd be playing a game of pickup basketball or running at the park together."

  "You know I would've never run with you!" Jake says with a laugh.

  "Okay, fine, then we'd be at the beach surfing."

  "Kellan, listen to me. I'm being totally honest with you here. That accident was the best thing that ever happened to me. My life was going nowhere. I had no future plans, no ambitions. I barely moved because I was so busy playing video games and being a lazy ass. Sure, this has been a difficult road for me, but I wouldn't change a thing. I wish I could bring back the three people who died that night, but as far as I'm concerned my life didn't start until the night of that accident."

  "You can't be serious, Jake. You'd give up the use of your legs for the life that you're living now?"

  "Absolutely. I've learned so much about myself as a person during the last five years. I wanted to share all of that with you even though you were in prison. I wrote you so many letters, but they all got returned. I didn't want you blaming yourself. This isn't your fault. I was drinking too, and I got in the car. We were stupid and seventeen. And it's a mistake that neither one of us can take back."

  Kellan sits all the way down on the floor and looks up at his friend, and then I hear the sobs start. I never expected that Kellan would cry in front of me or Jake, but he does. Years of torment are released in that moment. I crawl down onto the floor and put my arm around his shoulder, and Jake turns his chair so he can hold one of Kellan's hands.

  After a few moment, Kellan dries his eyes and lets out an embarrassed laugh.

  "Sorry, guys. I don't normally do that, but I'm just overwhelmed at the moment..."

  "Don't apologize, Kel. I've shed a lot of tears in the last five years, man, and most of them were about you. About us and our lost friendship." I look up and see tears in Jake's eyes too. I don't know if I can take much more of this.

  "I've missed you, dude," Kellan says, and I almost laugh when he says 'dude'. Thankfully, I hold myself together. Guys can sound so silly sometimes.

  Kellan reaches up and hugs his friend, and I quietly exit the room and go outside. Bria and Bill are sitting on the back patio having coffee.

  "Mind if I join you?Just wanted to give those guys a few minutes alone," I say. They both smile and Bill pulls out an extra chair for me.

  "Things okay in there?"

  "Much better than Kellan would have expected. He was scared to come here."

  "Kellan is a big guy, but he's a teddy bear at heart," Bill says with a laugh. "He's like a son to me. I've missed him so much over the years."

  "But, weren't you..." I start to say.

  "What? Angry with him about the accident? Of course not. My son was just as responsible. I'd had many talks with him about drinking and driving or getting into cars with people who were drinking. He did it anyway. My father always taught me that if you choose a behavior, you choose the consequences of that behavior. I instilled that in Jake, and he ignored it that night. As a result, his life was forever changed and three people didn't make it home. But to be mad at Kellan would be like drinking poison for me. Anger and guilt and resentment are poison, and ingesting them only takes more life away. Life has paths, Willow, and this was Jake's."


  "But surely you wish Jake had the use of his legs..."

  "Logically, I guess one could make that argument. But in reality, my son is a better human being now than he was then. He appreciates life. He helps others. He rises above it all and sets a good example. We can't question the things that happen in life. We have to make the best of what we are given."

  "Life sure isn't fair..." I say softly.

  "No, young lady, it sure isn't. But, life is for the living. And to shut down when things get tough - even really tough - is a waste of this precious time we have."

  His words touch me, and I don't know what else to say. I smile and nod, and Bria starts talking about wedding plans which makes me thankful for the diversions life sometimes throws our way.

  Chapter 14

  "Thanks again for going with me, Willow," Kellan says as we walk up the walkway to our front door. The cab ride was quiet, and even though Bill offered to take us home, Kellan said no. I think he needed some time to decompress and deal with all of his emotions.

  "Thanks for asking me. I enjoyed meeting Jake and Bill," I say.

  "And Bria?" he asks with a smile.

  "Oh, yeah. And Bria. She's nice... and stunningly gorgeous, of course."

  "You think so?" he asks, genuinely surprised at my comment.

  "You don't think so?"

  "She's okay, I guess. Not really my type. Too overdone. But Jake has always liked that look. Lots of makeup, cleavage choking her," he says with a chuckle. We sit down on the top step instead of going inside. "Once, when we were in tenth grade, he fell hard for this chick named Cecilia who worked at the coffee shop by the ice cream place. Anyway, she looked like she had just stepped out of 'Hookers R'Us' and he followed her around for weeks. She was older than us, and she pretty much ignored him for the most part, but I guess she finally got sick of his puppy dog eyes, so she agreed to a date. But things didn't go so well."

  "Oh really? Why not?"

  "Well, you see, Cecelia had a little secret. Well, a big secret..." A feeling comes over me. I have my own secret, so I know how Cecelia must have felt.

  "What kind of secret?"

  "Let's just say that when things started getting a little hot and heavy, and Jake thought he was finally going to give away his virginity to this fine female specimen, he uncovered something he wasn't aware of.... between her legs..." I cock my head in confusion. "She had a penis, Willow." My eyes bug out of their sockets and I cover my mouth as we both cackle.

  "Oh, my goodness! I bet he was shocked!"

  "More than shocked. Apparently, Cecelia was in the process of becoming a woman, but she was working at the coffee shop to earn the money for that final, very important, part of the transformation. We couldn't get Jake to date for weeks after that. He was always staring at women's crotches, but not for the reason most would think." Again, we laugh, and I find myself feeling so at ease with him. I find myself wanting to tell my secret, trusting that Kellan would keep it safe with him like he promised.

  "Kellan, I..."

  "Where were you two?" Bruce asks as he swings open the door.

  "We had something to do," Kellan says standing up and brushing past his father in the doorway.

  "Kellan, don't give me attitude. You're living under my roof, and you're on probation. One misstep and you're back in prison. Is that what you want?" Bruce shouts, and the tone of his voice shocks me. I've never seen him this way. Mom's car isn't here, so she can't calm him down.

  "Bruce, everything's fine. Kellan and I went to see Jake." I put my hand on Bruce's shoulder and then immediately remove it.

  "You went to see Jake?" he asks Kellan. "Why?"

  "Because he's my best friend," Kellan squints his eyes at Bruce as if he's daring him to say something else. Bruce takes the bait.

  "You don't seriously think he's your best friend anymore, do you?"

  "Yeah, I do. He's forgiven me. He doesn't hold any of it against me. Maybe one day you'll take his lead," Kellan says before walking up the stairs and slamming his door. Bruce stands there a moment, groans and then walks out the back door and onto the beach.

  Against my better judgment, I follow Bruce out onto the beach. He's sitting on a small wall that separates our pool area and the beach. I quietly sit down next to him.

  "You know, he's really trying, Bruce."

  "I just can't forgive him, Willow. I thought I could, but I can't. He killed people. Maybe everyone else can get over it and move on, but I just keep seeing that husband and father in my mind. You know, I went to the funeral. I sat in the back and I listened and I cried. How could my son have ended three innocent lives?"

  "He didn't mean to, Bruce. He was an immature seventeen year old boy. If he intended to kill them, I could see your anger. He made the worst mistake imaginable, but it was still a mistake. How long do you want him to suffer?"

  "Why do you even care, Willow?" he asks looking at me. "He's a virtual stranger to you. And he's got a lot of baggage that you don't have."

  "We're a lot more alike that you think, Bruce," I say biting my lips together. I stand up and walk back toward the house, expecting Bruce to ask what I mean, but he never does.

  ***

  I sit in the editing booth, up to my eyeballs in tapes, and wonder what in the world I've gotten myself into. Reed hasn't called at all, and I don't know how he wants me to edit this piece. I can't get it wrong. He's counting on me.

  "Hey, girl!" I hear Emmy say from the doorway.

  "Em. What're you doing here?"

  "Saw you come up here while I was doing my run. Where's Reed?"

  "Um, he had a family emergency he had to tend to."

  "Are you busy tonight?" she asks with a smile.

  "Probably. I don't know when I'll get all of this done. Why?"

  "There's a new dance club opening tonight outside of town. I thought you might want to go."

  "I'm not much of a dancer, Em."

  "No one goes to dance! You go to flirt and meet handsome boys that could take us away from all of this," she says sweeping her hand across the front of the editing equipment. I laugh.

  "I like all of this!"

  "I know you do. Weird. Anyway, come with me! I promise you'll have fun!"

  "Fine. Give me the flyer," I say pointing at the one she is holding in her hand. She gives me the yellow piece of paper and jumps up and down.

  "Yay! I'll drive!"

  I don't tell her that she'd have to anyway since I can't. "Okay. But I can't leave until at least nine tonight."

  She agrees and leaves so that I can continue being confused with my editing. It's almost lunchtime and I am still trying to make one of the edits work the way I want it. I really want to impress Reed when he gets back.

  My cell phone rings, and I realize Reed's ears must have been burning because it's him. A part of me heats up, and my stomach flutters. Why is it that boys are making me feel this way all of the sudden?

  "Hello?"

  "Hey. It's me," he says softly. He sounds tired.

  "How are you?" I ask leaning back in the chair.

  "Not great. It's been a tough morning, Willow."

  "I'm so sorry, Reed. What happened?"

  "The long and short of it is that my brother was feeling immense pressure to impress our father. All this time, I thought he was just an over achiever and a butt kisser, but he was having just as hard of a time as I was. He couldn't take it anymore when a case he was working on exploded. He took a bunch of pills, but his landlady found him in time, thank God."

  "Oh, Reed, I don't know what to say. Is he getting help?"

  "Yeah. We got him into the best mental health facility in the area. He'll be there a few weeks while they get him stable. I'm sure medication and counseling are in his future."

  "I'm so thankful for you," I say without thinking.

  "What?"

  "I'm thankful you're there for your brother. But I'm also thankful that you stand up to your father and carve your own path, Reed. You live your own life
without regrets."

  "I wouldn't say that. I have regrets."

  "You do? Like what?"

  "Like kissing a woman who didn't want me." The silence between us is deafening for a moment.

  "It wasn't that I didn't want to, Reed. I told you. It's me..."

  "That's the oldest excuse in the book, Willow. 'It's not you, it's me'. Ick."

  I laugh a little and he does too. "You're too good for me, Reed. Can't we just leave it at that?"