Leveling

by Diana Knightley

  He’d get to see his tent again.

  He really ought to. He would never get another chance, but sadly he couldn’t actually bring himself to; he was incapable of movement, frozen with fear, as immobile as the building he longed to go up in.

  The sails rose. Rebecca walked by and he asked, “Are we going somewhere?”

  “Captain is trying to get ahead of the storm and away from the Outpost.”

  “Oh,” Beckett looked up at the sky. A bank of gray clouds approached. The ship headed west.

  Chapter 36

  Beckett descended to the galley and slid into a booth. Captain Aria had loaned him some navigational maps. He used a ruler and pencil and marked the path the ship had traveled, southwest, along the shipping lines. Then the vessel had turned north. Beckett had been below quarters during all of that, which was just as well—Anna had headed north. It wasn’t until they passed the Outpost that he needed to pay attention. Beckett felt the boat turn, and the small hum of the motor as the sails collapsed. They anchored.

  Beckett focused on the maps, keeping his mind misdirected from the impending storm. Next, the H2OPE would sail to the northwest corner of the sanctuary. Then it would turn east toward land and follow the coast, returning to port in two weeks.

  Beckett had drawn a big square on the ocean. He hoped that along one of the edges he would come across Anna. If Anna continued north, she would be there somewhere. Even if she was floating, not steering, that was where she would end.

  He had one shot.

  After this voyage the crew of the H2OPE would take a few days rest and relaxation then head back to sea. They actually had a lot in common with Waterfolk, a desire to be out on the water, but for Beckett this was it. He had to find her because he wouldn’t go out again. He hated the water. Also, he probably would be in a lot of trouble for not reporting for duty. He would have to deal with that. He had to find her.

  But what if he didn’t?

  Beckett had only two weeks to cross paths with Nomads. Two weeks. He would ask if the Nomads had seen Anna Barlow, find out where she had gone. His worst-case scenario—he never found her. Then he would do...what?

  Jump ship in the Zodiac or something?

  He chuckled. Really, steal from Captain Aria? She was funny, but had a sharpness that he wouldn’t want to subject himself to. And what then, search the inlets and islands to the north of the sanctuary and how?

  He tried to imagine becoming the guy who would steal a Zodiac and drive it around the inlets looking for a lone Nomad, but who was he kidding? He couldn’t even take the Zodiac to the Outpost when he probably could have asked permission, and one of the crew might have accompanied him. He could have offered everyone fresh-picked strawberries.

  But he didn’t have the guts. He was a coward, planning what he would do with courage to find a girl that likely didn’t want to be found.

  His story was a tragedy, really.

  A woman had entered his life, unsettled it, and then paddled away, breaking his heart. Thinking about her settled pain in his bones. He felt weak and tired and like he might fall apart. Like the panic attack of before was nothing compared to what would happen if he stopped acting, pretending to be Beckett, Nomad-Hunter, and instead stopped to think about what had really happened—she had lied about her name. Possibly hadn’t told him anything at all that was truthful, and had left lying to him. Leaving him broken. And she was probably fine.

  Except he couldn’t shake the look in her eyes when she said, “You can’t say that Beckett, we, unless you mean it.”

  The light changed as the storm settled in.

  Chapter 37

  Luna and her group set out. She had removed Tree from Boosy and all the paddlers had a trailer of some kind to carry supplies. They carried the essentials, a small amount of food, and a few water-desalination kits. That was it.

  The group was familiar in the way they behaved. Unsettling that they were strangers. She tried to relax and accept her circumstances, but she felt numb inside. As if she was watching this all play out, without really being a part of it.

  It didn’t help that Buzz kept scowling, and hovering near Sky, so that he wasn’t far enough away that it didn’t matter. Luna paddled. Stroke-stroke-stroke, switch, stroke-stroke-stroke. Her thighs pushing her board to the right and left to compensate for the strength of her strokes. Thus with able strokes and strong thighs, the board kept straight and true, fourth in line, front middle. She was proud of that.

  They rested occasionally and ate from their provisions. Then they held all the boards together and played Mainland, a game where they walked from one board to the other, trying to balance, but mostly falling off. Sky was the champion, even when Buzz tried to grab her legs and pull her down, she nimbly jumped by. Buzz had a big booming laugh, but when he noticed Luna watching, his smile faded.

  When they resumed paddling, a woman named River pulled alongside. She said, “Isn’t it so beautiful, Luna, the blue and the air and the current pushing? It’s like the wide world is full of hope for us.”

  Luna listed quietly, wondering, what would it be like to have hope?

  She paddled quietly a few strokes, then said it out loud, “You’re lucky to have hope anymore.”

  River said, “Oh, I do. The world is a magical place, look at what it’s doing—elevating us all. Every water drop makes us better and better.”

  Luna stroked and stroked on the right side. “Just yesterday I was past hope.”

  “Yes, you were, but when life is that bleak, that dark, that’s when hope is the best, because it can be simple. Like, I hope my eyes open tomorrow morning. I hope it doesn’t rain, and the world can meet those simple hopes and you’ll get stronger and stronger. Soon your hopes can get bigger and bigger, until eventually you might even hope to see him again.”

  Luna jerked her head to the side. “Hope to see him again? Who again?”

  The woman smiled. “You’re young, very alone, and of course there is a someone that you hope to see again. I know because I’m magic, also, you have the name Beckett Stanford written on your trailing board.”

  “Oh, yeah,” Luna smiled. It felt good to smile, she hadn’t done that since she had been on the Outpost with Beckett, what seemed like a very long time ago, but wasn’t at all. Three days.

  Her breath caught in her throat. Like a sob wanted to burst out. Three days since she paddled away from happiness and now this, moving on, fast, to the same place.

  The irony.

  A little while later as they paddled, Sky pulled beside Luna. “Are you holding up?”

  “Tired, you?”

  “Very, so you must be wiped. Not one person here would mind if you called it and said you couldn’t go any further. We would all understand.” Sky glanced up. “Plus, the storm is coming, so it’s a moot point anyway, we’ll need to strap together soon.”

  Luna studied the sky for a moment. “It’s going to brush past us to the South, we’ll just get some rain.” She paddled two strokes. “What’s up with Buzz? He doesn’t seem happy with me, and I just got here, I’m pretty sure I didn’t do anything, yet.”

  Sky chuckled. “Buzz is a simple soul, and he adores me, always has. Recently I decided that he could adore me up close and personal, but guess who I shared a tent with last night?”

  “Oh, he’s jealous of me?”

  “Yep,” she giggled. “He’s so caught up in desire for my awesome spectacular,” she wiggled her butt, “that he can’t even be logical and get that the girl who just traveled all month by herself might want some company on her first night with a new family.”

  Luna laughed, “Your awesome spectacular, that’s what he calls it?”

  “Oh no, he would never be that poetical. He just grunts in my direction, but with so much hot hunky desire I can’t be so unkind as to leave him hanging.”

  Both Luna and Sky glanced over at Buzz whose brow was furrowed watching them.

  Luna said, “Poor Buzz.”

  “Poor Buzz is
right, my awesome spectacular is truly, well, awesome. Let’s hope he survives.”

  The light changed, so the group paddled into a formation and began tying knots.

  Chapter 38

  The storm was big and violent. Beckett’s boat was hit with the brunt force. The boat swept nose up and nose down over the waves. Rebecca, Dr. Mags, Jeffrey, Sarah, and Dan stayed on deck for a while, Captain Aria and her crew stayed on the bridge.

  Beckett sat alone in the galley at a booth trying to concentrate on something other than his careening stomach or his certainty that the boat would capsize.

  It seemed a fact.

  After a while he went, stumbling and falling, to his bunk and lay there, wondering if Anna was in this storm.

  Was she?

  Could she be?

  And would she be okay?

  Or had she found a safe place?

  And would he ever see her again?

  Could an army guy with a barely tolerable interest in being on the ocean find a Nomad girl traveling alone?

  He couldn’t even bring himself to get in a boat and ride a hundred feet to the Outpost. What a coward.

  Of course, as Anna had said, he volunteered, and look at him now. He had volunteered again. This foolish mission. He hadn’t even seen a Nomad and had barely been on deck. He was the worst at this.

  He probably should have offered a reward—to someone who was competent to find her—sat back and waited. Of course, that was the stupidest idea so far. A reward? Who would look for a Nomad girl? A Nomad girl that was supposed to go east and instead went north.

  She probably didn’t even want to see him. She definitely wasn’t interested, but—I love you Beckett. She had said, “We.”

  He didn’t believe she had made that all up.

  Chapter 39

  First the sky gets dark and then the sea.

  The sea is just a reflection after all.

  But when Luna lay on her board staring up she wondered if it was the other way around—the sky reflects the sea. Possibly. Both sea and sky were unfathomable, endless depths.

  Was this moment, what she could see, just surface reflecting surface, back and forth in a never-ending loop? Luna curled up into a ball.

  River was lashed to her left. Odo was lashed near her head and Sky was on the right. When the first drops of rain fell, everyone got low, heads together, hands clasped—storm formation. When the rain picked up and the breeze chilled, Sky whispered, “Heads up,” and then “How are you doing?”

  Luna said, in the quietest voice, “I’m scared.”

  Sky crawled to Luna’s board and hugged behind her, arms around. She said, “Buzz is taking watch, so I need you to keep me warm.”

  Luna relaxed by degrees. “Thank you.”

  “You’re welcome.”

  Luna had been right, the storm was wet, the ocean rose and fell and churned them around, and the wind howled, yet the worst of it passed them by. The clouds cleared to a bright crisp night full of stars. Odo and River conversed, their voices hushed and calm. Everyone else was quiet. Luna fell asleep in Sky’s arms.

  A while later, Luna woke as Sky shifted, pulling her arm out from under Luna’s head. Sky grinned “Buzz is done with watch and gestured like this,” she jerked her head, “signaling he wants and needs some of my goodies. I’ll see you in the morning.” Sky crawled to Buzz’s board and they paddled away.

  Luna stared up at the stars for a while, wondering how Beckett liked his land stars and was he learning to recognize the constellations.

  Luna found her favorite, the Monarch—seventeen stars, named after the butterfly, known for migrating thousands of miles in its lifetime. Luna’s mother had told her that the Monarch Constellation carried whispers, delivering them anywhere, no matter how far.

  So Luna whispered, “I’m sorry, and I hope you’re okay.”

  Chapter 40

  Eventually the rest of the crew came down to the bunk room. The boat lurched up and down and back and forth. Beckett asked, “Should we go up to make sure our ship isn’t going down?”

  Dan said, “What you going to do about it? Leave the bridge to Captain and be ready to hit the lifeboats if the alarm sounds.”

  Beckett’s face broke out in a cold sweat. “Lifeboats, yeah, how many lifeboats are there?”

  Dan said, “Enough.”

  Thunder boomed.

  “If lifeboats are needed who’s driving them?”

  Dan said, “If you find your army ass in a lifeboat this night, you better hope me, or one of those guys on the bridge are in there with you.”

  Beckett gulped.

  Jeffrey asked, “Hey! What about me?”

  “Have you ever been in charge of a watercraft of any kind during a storm?”

  “True, but it’s like you think I’m incapable.”

  Rebecca said, “I want to go on the record—I’m not capable. I fully need a captain on my lifeboat. One hundred percent.”

  Beckett was worried he was about to have another panic attack. He had only just met these people, and so far none of them seemed very impressed. Clutching his chest and dropping to the ground would likely lower him in their estimation. If it was possible to go lower. He was out here on the high seas with them and had joined the crew under false pretenses. He needed to be liked so they would help and not hurt. He tried not to think about Captain Aria ordering him into a lifeboat and setting him out to sea because he had lied and pretended to be passionate about fish health.

  He returned to the conversation as Rebecca said, “...I wish we would see a whale. It’s been forever.”

  Sarah said, “I agree. We did see the school of dolphins—”

  Starboard kicked up abruptly, Rebecca flew out of her bunk with a crash. Beckett banged into the wall. Jeffrey landed on his back between the bunks “Shit!”

  Thunder rolled. Beckett pressed the heel of his hands into his eyes.

  Dan stalked down the passage and up the stairs. “I’m going to the bridge to find out how they’re doing.”

  The rest were quiet. Then Sarah said, “Speaking of no whales, I also haven’t seen any Nomads in a long time.”

  “On the Outpost I read them an edict telling them to move to the Mainland, the settlements. It’s not safe. So maybe they’re all there now.”

  The ship pitched and rolled.

  Rebecca said, “They’re smart, this is scary.”

  Jeffrey turned off his light and then Dr. Mags.

  Rebecca asked Beckett in a whisper, “Have you ever been in a boat during a storm?”

  “On an Outpost, but never with this pitch and—”

  The ship banked hard.

  Beckett flung a leg out to keep from falling off the bunk. He groaned, pulled back, flipped to his stomach, and buried his face in his pillow. He turned out his light.

  Chapter 41

  Luna and the Waterfolk arrived at Beckett’s former Outpost.

  She led them around to the port entrance, half full of water now. The furniture inside was floating and loose, pushed by the currents toward the open stairwell door.

  Luna kneeled on her board and paddled through the floating debris, shoving chairs and tables away with her paddle to gain access to the stairs. “Luckily we left the door open, or we might not have gotten it open.” She tied her paddleboard to the door hinge. The rest of the group lashed their paddleboards together in a long line. Luna doggie-paddled into the stairwell and climbed. When she pushed through the roof door, oh.

  This place had felt like home after only two nights and three days, Beckett had been her family. All she had, and...

  She had said goodbye.

  It had been easy because she lost everything. She had faded away, becoming a hopeless, drizzled puddle of nothing. She was gone. And when you’re gone you can’t hold on anymore. You say goodbye.

  She had been certain she would never see this place again. Because she would never see anything again. She had paddled away, expecting her gone-ness to be forever. And it was
forever, and ever and ever gone. The end.

  But her body hadn’t complied. It had turned up found, claimed, rescued. But her self floated around watching, untethered, unsure. Found wasn’t a relief when you’ve gone, it’s more like an inconvenience. Like a stutter that you wish no one noticed. Like a crash she wished she had watched out for.

  Because how do you go on living once you’ve been gone?

  And now, here, opening the door to the rooftop, she found herself—alive. The floating around numbness had gone too. She felt pain, knocked in the gut, doubled over, breathless pain. She dropped to her knees.

  Sky rushed to her side. “Are you okay?”

  Luna said, “I don’t—no.”

  Sky asked, “Buzz, can you carry her to the shade?”

  Strong arms lifted Luna. She kept her eyes closed tight, her face shoved into the darkness of her shoulder. Fabric pulled at her hair, it was cool, shaded. She guessed she was inside the canvas tent, but she refused to look, and then she was deposited onto Beckett’s bed. Tears welled up and brutally broke free. She curled into a fetal position, and sobbed, her fists jammed into her eyes.

  Sky asked, “Luna, will you be okay? We need to get the food, and—”

  River’s voice called, “Did you see the garden?”

  “A garden?” Sky left the tent.

  Luna cried and cried.

  She didn’t think she could ever stop. It was an ocean of tears, of sadness, or loss. For everything she had lost.

  But she did stop. The waves finally stopped crashing on her shore and she rolled to her back and looked up at the inside of the tent roof.

  Like everyone else Beckett was gone. His shelter empty, and it was just as well. She was a mess. It hurt so much, the memory of his face, the dimples, the brush of his hand, that she felt like she was cracking apart—her empty shell had become too fragile, pieces. Like she might not be able to get back up again.