“That doesn’t make me feel any better,” I laughed nervously.
“I want to buy you this dress,” he said, stepping behind me and wrapping his arms around my waist. “It looks good on you. It makes me want to do . . . things.”
His lips brushed across my bare shoulder and onto my neck and my skin prickled at the touch.
I closed my eyes once more, remembering the way that Evan had kissed me, and sighed.
“I guess it’s okay.”
“Great.”
Chris stepped away and waved one of the store workers over, pulling his wallet from his suit coat.
I looked in the mirror once more, studying myself in the dress. It wasn’t something I would have picked out, but it suited me.
Like Chris. Not exactly what I wanted, but still a nice fit. It will work out wonderfully.
I gingerly stepped down from the stage and went back into the dressing room to change. When I came back out, the same worker went into the room with a garment bag and packaged the dress up for me.
“What else would you like to do today?” Chris asked after she handed the bag to me.
“Don’t you have work, or something?”
“Actually, no. I canceled all of my appointments for today, so I could go down to my new office if it got approved.”
“Have you heard anything, yet?”
“Unfortunately, no. But I’m still hopeful. Monday’s are usually a catch up day for me. It could be the same for this broker.”
“I think I’d like to just go home,” I said, letting him take my hand as we left the room and headed for the building’s exit. “Lizzy sent her brother off on a tour today, and I’m feeling pretty tired. She and I could spend some ‘us time’ together. If you don’t mind.”
“That’s fine with me,” he said with a smile, releasing my hand and holding the door open for me.
He hailed a cab easily, the car pulling up to the curb almost instantly. After I slid into the back seat, he got in and gave the driver my address, laying his arm across my shoulders.
“You looked wonderful in that dress, you know,” he said softly, his fingers playing with my hair.
“Thank you,” I said, blushing slightly.
“I can’t wait to show you off at the benefit. You’re going to be the belle of the ball.”
“If you say so,” I said with a nervous laugh.
“You’ll do great.” He kissed the top of my head, squeezing my shoulder as he did.
We rode the rest of the way in silence, my gaze following the city outside the window. I couldn’t stop thinking about Evan, wondering if his flight had landed, yet. I didn’t know where he was going, but I knew he’d be busy as soon as he got there. Touring shows always opened on Tuesday nights. Since he was part of the crew, he’d probably go straight from the airport to the theatre to help finish setting up.
Does he help with lights? Or does he do some other task when he’s not working on a stationary show?
I didn’t even try to keep the thoughts of him at bay. Being with Chris helped give me something to do and someone to share romantic things with. My thoughts of Evan were the only things keeping me sane at the moment, though.
To be honest, I was a little disgusted with myself. I was staying with a man I didn’t love just so I wouldn’t have to be alone. The thought of explaining to Lizzy why I broke up with him made me turn cold. She wouldn’t take lightly the fact that I loved her brother. I could only imagine how many of her friends had fallen for him. I didn’t want to become another one of those girls in her mind.
“You okay, Mara?”
I turned to look at Chris, suddenly realizing we were stopped in front of my building.
“Yeah, sorry,” I mumbled.
“Go get some rest,” he laughed. “You’ll feel better in the morning, I’m sure.”
I highly doubt it, I thought grimly as he slid out of the car and held his hand out for me.
Once I was out of the car he motioned to the driver, who got out and opened the trunk.
“And here’s your dress,” Chris said happily, leaning in to kiss me again as he handed it off. “Feel better, okay?”
“Okay.”
He got back in the car and waved as they pulled away, a smile on his face.
I am a horrible person.
I sighed and adjusted the bag in my arms, turning to go back inside. Maybe some sleep and a girl’s night with Lizzy would help me feel better.
Chapter Eighteen
I had to keep busy. It’d been a week since Evan had flown out to wherever. I’d still never heard anything from him.
Lizzy gave me updates every now and then, which I was grateful for, but it stung to know that he didn’t even care enough to talk to me himself.
I’d taken every extra shift I could this last week, trading with almost the whole staff, so I could have this whole week for auditions. Frustration and doubt ate at me more and more every day, the voices whispering that I wasn’t good enough to fulfill my dreams.
I need to refocus. No love drama. No more sitting on the couch each night. Remember the motto—I will do my best. That means I have to actually do something.
I surveyed myself in the mirror, checking over the outfit I’d chosen for today. Hopefully, the blue jeans and nice blouse would sit well with the casting director at my first audition. I had a couple changes of clothes in my bag for the other two auditions I planned on attending today, assuming that I got out of each of them in time. Personally, I thought that losing a job over what you wore was a little silly. I understood its basic concept, though.
A sigh softly escaping through my lips, I turned from the mirror in the wardrobe and walked towards the front door and my bag.
“Break a leg,” Lizzy said from the kitchen. “I’ll miss you at work today.”
“It will be over before you know it,” I said with a smile.
“Evan said the show is going well, by the way. He might stop by Mom’s house when they’re upstate next month.”
“So, they aren’t far away, as of yet,” I said, happy to know he wasn’t on the other side of the country.
“I don’t think so. He didn’t tell me where he was going when I dropped him off, and I didn’t ever look at the departures screen. He’s like that sometimes.”
“Will you go see him when he goes to visit?”
“Maybe. I haven’t decided, yet. The holidays are coming up, so I should probably decide what I’m doing. Are you going home?”
“If I haven’t gotten an acting job, yes. The family always gets together during the holidays, and I wouldn’t want to miss it for anything else.”
“Well, if you don’t find a gig then at least you get to look forward to seeing your relatives.”
“It will be fun if I can stay away from the teasing about how I haven’t gotten cast, yet,” I laughed. “My cousins think they’re jokers.”
“You’ll get one, I’m sure of it,” she laughed, putting whatever she’d made onto a plate and carrying it into the living room.
“I’d better go,” I sighed. “I won’t get hired by being late.”
“Break a leg—again,” she giggled.
“Thanks.”
I picked up my bag and opened the door, my mind turning back to Evan as I shut it and walked down the hall.
Why won’t he talk to me?
I hadn’t ever sent more than that one text, but he’d never replied. I felt like he was ignoring me on purpose.
Maybe he left so suddenly because of me. What if he could tell I had feelings for him and it scared him away?
I tried to swallow away the sour taste in my mouth, not liking that I’d basically been living with a perpetual frown on my face for the last week. Of course, when other people were around, I put on a good show. His absence was eating me up inside, though.
I need to concentrate on the auditions today. Acting will be an escape. I won’t have to worry about my own life during those moments.
A flash back
to the conversation I’d had with Evan at the Gershwin made my stomach flip. I’d basically said the same thing to him that night. I never would have imagined that he would become the problem I was trying to escape.
My grim mood followed me through the rest of the day. I did make it to each of my auditions, but, try as I might, I couldn’t shake my thoughts, even when I was auditioning.
I walked away from each call knowing that I wouldn’t hear back from a single one of them.
Unfortunately, the rest of my week went the same. Each audition I went to I felt more desperate to let go and lose myself in the script or music, but Evan’s face took the place of every director and casting agent I stood before.
Each night I dreamed the he came back to me and explained himself, declaring that he would never leave again. It was all I could do to not wake up and sob.
As I laid in my bed Saturday night, Lizzy out for the evening, I finally allowed myself to cry. My pillow quickly soaked through with the tears coming from my puffy eyes and I gasped in my breaths, my nose running uncontrollably.
It felt like I’d lost everything. I’d been trying my best to deal with Evan leaving, but my many auditions had told me I’d lost something else.
I’m never going to live my dream, if I can’t concentrate enough to have a good audition. He needs to get out of my head! All I can think about is how he’s not here.
I know–I shouldn’t let this effect my work. I can’t hide my feelings if I’m going to do a good job, though. Every time I try to let the emotions I need out, their crowded and pushed back by him. How do I overcome that?
Eventually, I cried myself to sleep, used tissues covering my bed. I knew that Lizzy would ask questions in the morning, but I didn’t really care. I knew I’d come up with something.
When I woke up in the morning, she was still sleeping, a soft smile on her face. I quietly cleaned up my mess and went into the bathroom to wash my face.
I can’t be honest in a part, if I’m not honest with myself, I thought as I combed my hair into a ponytail. So, here it is self. I love Evan. I have a boyfriend who’s not Evan, and I feel like the world’s biggest jerk because of it. I don’t even like my boyfriend, anymore. He doesn’t support anything I want to do with my life. But I don’t want to be alone, and I especially don’t want to tell him I’ve fallen in love with someone else.
My dream is still to perform on Broadway, but it’s changed from what it was before. I want to spend each night on stage and know that Evan is in the audience or backstage. I want to wake up every morning by his side, happy with my life.
He’s gone, though. So, I’m not changing anything. I would rather pretend that I’m fine and have people treat me the same.
I laid the brush on the edge of the sink and hung my head in despair, my inner monologue not having lent me any comfort. I knew that I would have to tell someone about how I was feeling. I also knew that it should be Chris.
I left the bathroom and went to the wardrobe, pulling my workout clothes out and laying them on the bed.
“Hey,” Lizzy said groggily, sitting up. “Are you going to the gym?”
“Actually, I thought I’d go for a run through Central Park. I haven’t spent very much time there and I feel like a good sprint.”
“Really? It’s cold outside.”
“I know,” I laughed humorlessly. “The cold should slap my brain back into working order. I’ll make sure to have my jacket on before I get off the train.”
“Hey, Mara?” Lizzy got out of bed and walked over to me, watching as I changed clothes. “Are you okay?”
“What do you mean?”
“You’ve seemed really down, lately. I’ve been worried about you.”
“My auditions didn’t go well,” I said as I sat down and put my socks on.
“Are you sure that’s all it is?” She sat down next to me, laying a hand on my shoulder. “You know you can tell me anything, right?”
“I do,” I said, sitting up straight and smiling at her. “It’s just the auditions, I promise.”
You liar, I scolded myself.
“Okay,” she said uncertainly.
I stood and walked over to the door where my running shoes sat.
“I think we should go out tonight,” she said, following me. “Why don’t you pick a show and we’ll go see it, my treat.”
“You don’t have to do that,” I laughed.
“No really,” she pushed. “I want to. So you pick, and I’ll buy the tickets while you’re out running. Or I can go running with you and buy the tickets when we get back.”
“Lizzy,” I laughed.
“Come on! We never spend time together with just the two of us anymore. Let’s have a girl’s night out. Pick a show, pretty please?”
“Fine,” I sighed, a smile on my face. “What about . . . The Lion King? I’ve never seen that one. Except for the animated movie, of course.”
“That sounds great,” she said, a huge grin covering her face. “Do you want me to go running with you?”
“You don’t have to,” I laughed. “I know how much you despise it.”
“Oh good,” she said, wiping imaginary sweat off her forehead. “I was afraid I’d actually have to do it there for a minute.”
“I’ll be back later,” I giggled, opening the door. “Thank you, Lizzy.”
She turned at the softer tone of my voice and smiled sweetly.
“It’s what I do.”
The next two weeks drug by slowly as I went back to my day job. On the one hand, I was extremely grateful to not be continually trying to put myself out there. On the other, I was frustrated that I wasn’t out trying to get the job I wanted. Every day I thought about just quitting and becoming a full time audition monkey. There were bills to pay and food to buy, though.
My classes were starting to suffer from my Evan block as well. The teachers were noticing I wasn’t giving one hundred percent anymore, and I’d been talked with a few times about if I was sure I didn’t want to share what was bothering me.
Is this what depression feels like?
I sat outside my voice lesson, waiting for the previous student to finish. I had been almost a month to the day since Evan had left. I didn’t like thinking about how it’d been even longer since we talked to each other.
Chris’s benefit was tomorrow. He’d already left me several messages detailing what I needed to do and even sent someone over to pick up my dress and send it to the cleaners. I tried to tell him it was fine, that it’d done nothing but hang in my closet since he bought it for me, but he wouldn’t listen. At this point I was just hoping I could put on a happy face long enough to make a good impression for him.
I vaguely became aware of the multiple songs from Wicked being sung on the other side of the door. Without meaning to, I let myself slip into the happier memories I had, imagining I was sitting next to Evan and watching the show, again.
After a few minutes, the door opened and thanks were exchanged before April stepped out into the hall.
“Hey!” she said in surprise. “It’s Mara, right?”
“Yeah,” I said, smiling and coming back to the present.
“How are you doing?” she asked, sitting in the chair next to me.
“I’m good,” I said, nodding.
“I’m happy I ran into you. I was going to text Evan, but I didn’t know if he’d get the message to you in time.”
“Oh,” I said, suddenly worried about what she was going to tell me.
“I was wondering if you would like to come to a Wicked audition tomorrow.”
“What?” I hadn’t been expecting her to say anything about the show.
“There’s an audition tomorrow afternoon to fill my part. It’s invite only.”
“And you want to invite me?” I squeaked out.
“Yeah,” she laughed. “The casting director is inviting back some people they’ve seen at previous auditions and liked. They said I could invite someone if I wanted to, as well. Yo
u were the first person that came to mind.”
“I’m sorry,” I said, flabbergasted. “Isn’t it, I don’t know, against the rules to give another actress an opportunity like that?”
“It doesn’t seem fair, I know,” she laughed. “But it is. Are you in?”
“Absolutely!”
“Fantastic!”
She pulled a notepad out of her bag and wrote a few things on it before tearing the page out and handing it to me.
“I’ll let them know you’re coming,” she said, standing.
I looked down at the paper, reading all the instructions she’d written.
“Thank you so much,” I said, looking back up at her. “Really. This is amazing.”
“It’s nothing,” she said.
“It’s not nothing,” I said, fighting the happy and excited tears that pricked my eyes. “This is an amazing opportunity for me.”
“You deserve to show the world what you have. Don’t screw up,” she chuckled, turning to leave.
“Thank you,” I said once again as she walked away.
I quickly slid the paper into my bag and stood to go to my lesson.
“It sounds like you have a pretty big day ahead of you,” Sarah said from her spot at the piano. A wide smile was on her face, her eyes sharing the true happiness in her comment. “What are you going to sing?”
“Uh . . .” I thought through all of my music selections. There was one that stood out for this occasion, but it was also the one I’d stopped singing recently. “I want to sing a song that makes me unnecessarily emotional as of late,” I said carefully.
“What about it is bothering you?”
“A memory. I sang this song on a Broadway stage, which was fantastic.”
“What about that is bothering you?”
“The person who was in the audience,” I said slowly. “I haven’t told anyone about it.”
“This person is the reason you’ve detached somewhat,” she said nodding.
“I haven’t sang this song at all since the . . . thing happened.”
“I think you should sing it tomorrow then. We’ll work on it today and get it ready again.”
“Are you sure?” I asked uncertainly.
Big Apple Dreams Page 14
