by Donna Alward
“You could have just explained that!” she shouted.
“I did!” he shouted back. He tempered his voice a little. “I did and you know it. I explained it all in the note I left with the key card on the desk.”
“What note?”
His heart froze. “What do you mean, what note? I tried to wake you up, but you’re a sound sleeper. So I wrote you a note and put it by the lamp, right by my key. I explained that Rattler got attacked and was really injured. That I was heading back home to take care of things, but that I’d come to get you on Saturday if you needed me to. And when I texted you, I got nothing. I tried to call you, and it went right to voice mail.”
“There wasn’t any note, Rylan,” she snapped. “And you expect me to believe you got this sudden attack of accountability?” She laughed.
He was starting to get worked up. “You know what? I get damned sick of people telling me how irresponsible I am. How I don’t care about anything. I made a pretty big investment in Crooked Valley and he’s my horse. Would you have rather I didn’t care enough to look after him? What would you have done, huh? What would you have done if that had happened to one of your stock?”
Her eyes were wide. “Look. The key card was there, but there was no note. I swear it.”
“And I swear I wrote it.” He thought back, trying to remember leaving that night. He’d packed his things. Written the note. Grabbed some pizza and soda and gone out the door...
“It was windy,” he said, quieter now. “The weather front was coming in. When I left, maybe it blew off the table. That’s all I can think of, Kailey. I swear to you I wrote you a note. After last winter, did you really think I would just leave you in a motel room again?”
She looked down, and everything inside him suddenly felt heavy.
“You did. You really thought I had left you there. After all we shared this summer. After going with you to Lewiston, after making love to you...you thought I had just up and abandoned you without an explanation.”
She lifted her chin. “I never saw any note. What was I supposed to think?”
So many answers rushed through his head. “I don’t know, but the benefit of the doubt might have been nice. Or maybe answering my text. Or taking one of my many phone calls and giving me the chance to explain.” He clenched his jaw. This wasn’t going as planned.
“You really don’t get it, do you?” she asked. “You hurt me. You humiliated me—again. This time in front of my employees. In front of a lot of people who knew you were there with me last week!”
“So, this is about your pride?” He cursed, frustrated and angry. “You know what, Kailey? I think I deserve a little portion of the hurt and anger that’s being handed around. I was really starting to care for you. Do you think I would have gone to Lewiston with you otherwise? Really? But maybe this was more one-sided than I realized. Maybe you’re so damned worried about appearances and being right that you can’t see something when it’s right in front of your face. I ran, yes. I ran to take care of my responsibilities. I left you to be with a horse that was ripped to shreds by a mountain lion and, by some miracle, survived. I wrote a note explaining my quick exit. I followed up with a text as soon as Rattler was treated, and I’d managed to get a few hours sleep after driving all night and then being with him all day. And what do I get for my trouble? Being told what a rotten human being I am and how your stupid pride took a beating. Just who is the coward, anyway?”
Her lips fell open and he half regretted being so harsh and the other half of him was relieved he’d gotten all that off his chest.
“You’re putting this on me?”
He swallowed. The lump in his throat was growing, but he was tired of being the bad guy simply because of a bad judgment call six months ago. “I heard a saying a long time ago. I never knew what it meant until now.”
“Oh, and what’s that?”
He met her gaze evenly. “The real courage isn’t in loving someone. It’s allowing them to love you back. I know I made mistakes, Kailey, but I put myself out there. It’s not me running away right now. It’s you. You’re the one who’s scared. You’re the one running in the other direction, and I’m the convenient scapegoat.”
“You left me,” she whispered hoarsely. “You left me there like I meant less to you than a stupid horse.”
He made a disgusted noise and took a step back. “Kailey, would you listen to yourself? You, who should understand most since you were asked to make that choice not that long ago. You told me Colt didn’t understand why you couldn’t leave the ranch. That it was an impossible choice to make. And now you’re accusing me of caring more for Rattler than I do for you?”
She lifted her chin in response. He stepped forward now, cupped her saucy little chin in his hands. “Do you think that if you were hurt somewhere that I wouldn’t move heaven and earth to find you?”
“I don’t know that for sure.”
He dropped her chin. “All this time I thought we could just take it slow and see what happened. I thought we could figure it out. That you’d forgiven me for my stupid mistake. That you could trust me again. But you don’t. It’s not just about trust, either. If you have that many doubts, you really don’t know what kind of man I am at all.”
No one had ever had any expectations where he was concerned. Or perhaps he hadn’t expected enough of himself, either. Of course, by holding everyone at arm’s length, it kept him from being hurt.
There just came a time in a man’s life, he realized, where he had to make a stand. And that time was now. It was time he decided what he wanted, time he stopped settling, time he started having his own expectations. For himself and for the people he cared about.
Kailey was still standing on the porch, barring the door, her arms crossed against her chest. Stubborn, stubborn woman. His anger was fading and in its place was disappointment. In their relationship. In her. That hurt most of all.
“At some point, Kailey, you’re going to have to stop putting up walls and blaming everyone else. Ask yourself what you’re really afraid of. Take it from someone who knows. Because I was like you. Never let anyone too close. Never show my hand. Until you. I fell in love with you. Are you brave enough to do something about it?”
Her face paled and her eyes glistened, but she didn’t say anything. Disheartened, Rylan picked up his toolbox, turned around and went back to his truck. He shut the door and looked up, and she had gone back inside.
He backed out of the driveway and started toward home. Only one other time in his life did he remember feeling this heartbroken. And that was when they’d driven away from Crooked Valley, leaving their old life behind.
Well, maybe Kailey had broken his heart, but he could definitely do something about the second.
It was time he came home. Really came home, the way he’d been afraid to all these years.
Chapter Fourteen
Kailey hung up the phone, her hand shaking and her heart heavy.
After Rylan had gone, she’d called the motel in Lewiston. It had been less than forty-eight hours since she’d checked out, and she knew housekeeping would have gone through the room. But if there was a chance the note still existed, she wanted to find out.
The room had been cleaned, the clerk had said, but they’d send someone to check to see if a slip of paper had been missed behind the desk or something, and they’d call her back. And they did, only twenty minutes later, with Rylan’s note in hand. They read it to her over the phone and she’d closed her eyes, feeling sick about how she’d treated him.
She stared at the phone, wondering if she should call him and apologize, but she didn’t. She sat on the sofa, her legs crossed and her elbows on her knees, thinking. This wasn’t about missing a note he’d written. It was about faith and trust and fear, and she couldn’t fix those with a simple phone call. Because that was about her, not Rylan.
And that was work she had to do on her own.
She threw herself into working at the ranch, and went along
to two more rodeos during the month just to get away and clear her head.
But no matter how much she tried to sort out her feelings, she was reminded that Rylan, for all his declarations, hadn’t even hinted at anything permanent. He had no plans to stay on at Crooked Valley, so where would that leave them even if they could work things out?
Setting herself up for more hurt, that’s where. It would just be better if she kept her distance and worked at getting over him.
The days were getting shorter and the nights cooler, and she was spending a quiet Friday evening at home rather than heading out to the Silver Dollar. The bar didn’t hold much allure these days, and her busy schedule made her appreciate a night to stay home in comfy leggings and a soft sweatshirt. But she was lonely, too. She was just contemplating putting in a DVD when there was a knock on the door.
Her heart leaped. Maybe Rylan had been as miserable as she’d been and wanted to talk. She’d avoided Crooked Valley altogether since their breakup and hadn’t seen him. She ripped the ponytail holder from her hair and gave her head a brisk shake, squared her shoulders and went to answer the door.
It was Lacey and Carrie. Carrie was holding Evan in her arms, and had a diaper bag over her shoulder, while Lacey carried a bottle of wine, a box of chocolates and a bag of potato chips.
She held up her loot. “I have all the bases covered. You asking us in or what?”
Kailey stepped aside. “What is this? A pity party?” It was shameful how happy she was to see her friends. She really had isolated herself the past few weeks, hadn’t she?
“An intervention. And since Carrie’s nursing, she gets to play sober driver.”
“Indeed,” Carrie said, sliding the diaper bag off her shoulder. “My treat of the evening is some sort of fizzy lemonade that Lacey bought.”
They went straight through to the living room, and Kailey stopped in the kitchen to retrieve two wineglasses, a corkscrew and a pretty glass for Carrie’s beverage. In those few moments, Lacey had put all the food on the coffee table and Carrie was sitting in a cozy chair, Evan on her lap, his little fingers clutching a toy that looked like red, blue and yellow keys.
Lacey waggled her fingers for the corkscrew and Kailey handed it over. “Okay,” she said. “What sort of intervention are we talking about?”
“A romantic one,” Carrie said, her knee bouncing just a bit to keep Evan occupied. “Something happened between you and Rylan the weekend Rattler was attacked, and it occurred to us that both of you are miserable.”
Kailey snorted. “I wouldn’t say miserable.” The wine opened with a pop and Lacey went straight to work, pouring two glasses. She handed one to Kailey.
“Miserable,” Lacey confirmed. “Nothing else would explain you totally avoiding Crooked Valley for two solid weeks and never calling your best friends.”
“It’s been busy...”
“Sure,” Carrie and Lacey replied in unison.
“It has. I’ve been to two rodeos, too. Out of town.”
“Interesting. Since you rarely travel with the stock.”
It was true. There was no sense in trying to fool either Carrie or Lacey. “Fine. I’ve been avoiding your place. It would just be awkward.”
She took a sip of wine. Then another. Lacey poured the lemonade for Carrie and handed her the glass, then opened the box of chocolates and tore open the bag of chips. “Pick your poison,” she stated.
Kailey reached for a dark chocolate truffle first. It went very nicely with the rich merlot and she leaned against the back of the sofa.
“Look, you guys, Rylan and I had a misunderstanding. Some of it was his fault. A lot of it was mine. But when we talked, I think we both realized there’s a lot more wrong with us than we thought. Yeah, I’ve done some thinking, and it’s just better this way. I mean, come Christmas Rylan will be gone to wherever, and it won’t be an issue anymore.”
Carrie and Lacey looked at each other, then back at Kailey. “Is that what you think? That Rylan’s temporary and you’ll just be able to forget him?” Lacey put her hand on Kailey’s knee. “Honey, I was there the day he offered to pay for lunch at the diner. Things have never been easy for you. And one thing’s for sure...you’ve never been indifferent to each other.”
Kailey’s heart hurt just talking about it. “Like I said. It doesn’t matter. He’ll be gone soon enough, right?”
Carrie’s gaze was sympathetic. “Um, not exactly. He’s staying on at Crooked Valley.”
The second truffle seemed to catch in her throat and she took a quick gulp of wine to wash it down. “What do you mean?” she asked, her voice shaking a little. “Staying on how?”
“As in taking on his third,” Lacey replied. “He told us nearly two weeks ago. He’s going to take over managing the rough stock side of the ranch. I’m staying on as administrator, and Quinn and Duke are going to run the cattle operations.”
“I’m going to pitch in whenever and however,” Carrie added. “With Evan being so small, I’m really focusing on being mom right now. Plus—” she smiled a little bit “—we’re thinking we’d like to have more than one.”
Kailey blinked quickly and reached for another chocolate. Her friends were so happy. Why could she not find that? Or was what Rylan said true? Was she the one standing in her own way?
Rylan. Staying on at Crooked Valley. Which meant she’d never be able to truly forget him because they’d be neighbors. Neighbors in the same line of work. The idea of seeing him to talk business darned near gutted her. How could she face him, knowing how she felt about him?
“But...” She looked up at both women. “He always said he wasn’t one for settling down in one place. That he doesn’t want to be committed to anything or anyone.”
I fell in love with you, he’d said. Had he really meant it? Then there was the whole thing with Rattler. It wasn’t just that it was his horse. He’d used words like responsibility and courage and home. Did that sound like a guy on the verge of running?
“He didn’t,” Lacey confirmed quietly. “Until now. He told us how difficult it was for him as a kid, being uprooted from here after our dad died. How he never fit in, never belonged anywhere. But he feels like he does now. Like he’s part of something important, like he’s where he’s meant to be.”
Bully for him and all his belonging and completeness.
“But he isn’t happy, Kailey. Because there’s something missing. He fell in love with you. And you’re clearly miserable without him, so what gives?”
Kailey stared at them both for several seconds, then held out her glass. “Could I have some more wine, please?”
Lacey dutifully topped her up, added a splash to her own glass and put the bottle down again.
Kailey took a long drink. Gathered up her courage. Looked her friends in the eyes and admitted, “I’m a coward.”
Carrie snorted while Lacey smiled affectionately. “Don’t be silly. You’re one of the bravest people I know.”
“But I’m not. And Ry’s the first person to ever call me on it. Do you want to know what really happened with Colt last fall?”
She paused, and saw that Carrie and Lacey hung on her every word. “Well, he proposed. And then he presented this whole future where I’d move to be closer to his work, and I couldn’t believe he was asking me to leave Brandt. His assertion was that a wife should follow her husband, and he withdrew his proposal when I said I couldn’t just up and leave the ranch. But know what? I’ve discovered two things. Colt wasn’t the right person, because when the right person comes along you should be able to say you’ll follow them anywhere, right? And the other thing I learned about myself is that I’ve been hiding behind Brandt Ranch so I don’t have to put myself out there. Ry and I really aren’t that different, you know. We just hid behind different things.”
She gave a sheepish smile to her friends. It was time she faced the truth: the ranch made for a fine excuse when she wanted to distance herself from the possibility of getting hurt. Or more than that...
looking weak.
Weakness, she discovered, or at least the appearance of weakness, was what she was truly afraid of.
Evan started to fuss and Carrie put down her glass and cuddled him close, trying to soothe his whimpers. “But why?” she asked softly. “Why would you feel you had to hide behind the ranch? You’re smart and beautiful. Fun.”
It meant a lot to hear her best friend say those things. “Carrie, you know what it’s like. I’ve had to fight for credibility in the industry, especially taking on the leadership role that I have. I’ll be the first to admit that I sometimes fight against being, well, feminine.”
Lacey sighed. “Men. Just because you have breasts doesn’t make you any less qualified.”
Kailey laughed, feeling better at the unequivocal support. “Hey, you know that and I know that, but not everyone feels that way, and it’s not just men either. But I love what I do, so I deal with it.”
“Right.” Carrie nodded. “Which is why you and I used to blow off steam at the Dollar now and again.” Her cheeks colored a little. “Which I haven’t really done since I got pregnant. Shoot, Kailey. I kind of abandoned you, didn’t I?”
Kailey shook her head. “Your priorities shifted, that’s all. I guess the other thing is, when I did cut loose—like you and I used to do, Carrie—I became Fun Kailey. I’ve gained a reputation of not being marriage material. I’m the best friend or the fling but not more than that. And over time, I suppose that I started to protect myself by not putting my feelings out there. Colt wasn’t the first person to hurt my feelings. And Rylan certainly wasn’t either.”
But it had been different with Rylan, she realized. Her feelings for him must have been bigger and more intense than she thought, because she’d cried more tears over him than she ever had over Colt or any man, for that matter. Tears formed in the corners of her eyes. “Crap,” she murmured. “I didn’t want to do this. Get all emotional and stuff.”
