by Donna Alward
“Maybe that’s exactly what you need,” Lacey said, reaching over and taking her hand. “I get it, Kailey. My ex-husband left me pretty gun-shy about ever being in a relationship again. You build walls around yourself and tell yourself no one will ever get close enough to hurt you like that again.”
Kailey gave a quick nod, fighting tears.
“It took Quinn really pushing me to make me start fighting for the life I wanted,” Lacey continued. “So the big question is, what do you want?”
That, of everything, was the easiest thing to answer. “I want it all,” she whispered, sniffling. “I love the ranch. I’ve worked so hard with my dad to turn it into what it is today. I don’t want to leave it. And I want a man who loves me, and a family of my own. Maybe I just...want too much.”
Lacey and Carrie both smiled. “Honey, you’re not asking for too much,” Carrie assured her. She’d discreetly settled Evan at her breast and smiled with beatific contentment. “Ranching isn’t like a regular nine-to-five gig. Working the land means having a relationship with it, a connection that goes beyond a job. Brandt Ranch is part of who you are, plain and simple.”
Kailey thought about that. “Maybe it’s too much of me, though. Gosh, I don’t know. I’ve been a real mess lately.”
Lacey was the one who took everything down to the lowest common denominator. “Do you love him?”
She didn’t have to ask if she meant Rylan. Of course she did. The tears she’d succeeded in blinking away came back with a vengeance. “Maybe. Probably. And how dumb is that? I let myself fall for him when I knew he was leaving.”
“But he’s not leaving. And we hoped he wouldn’t. We hoped that this would happen. That he’d come back here and see what a great place it is, that there’s a home for him here. And he has.” Lacey’s gaze probed hers. “I truly think that he’s needed to find his way back here all along. Are you going to punish him for that, K?”
“I’m scared he’ll leave again.”
Lacey nodded. “I know. And I can’t convince you he’s changed, and he can’t convince you either, unless you allow yourself to believe it. To trust him.”
Evan had fallen asleep and Carrie tucked him close in a soft blanket. “Sweetie, just think about it. You’re miserable over here, and he’s miserable over at Crooked Valley, and it’s plain to all of us that you guys should be together. It might have started with a spark in February, but this summer it changed into something more. It wasn’t just Rylan who changed. It was you. You changed each other, Kailey. And the beautiful thing is you never meant to. You were just yourselves.”
Kailey was full-out crying now, tears slipping down her cheeks. “I was so terrible to him,” she whispered. “I accused him of stuff that was just dumb, all because I was scared. How do you get the courage to really love someone?”
And then Ry’s words came back to her. Real courage isn’t in loving someone. It’s allowing them to love you back.
The problem wasn’t how she felt about him. She’d known for some time that she was in love with him. It was the act of letting him love her, giving him access to all her deepest secrets and desires. Letting herself be totally vulnerable and open.
Could she do it? Really? Could she not? How would she live next to him for the rest of her life knowing she’d blown her chance at happiness simply because she’d wanted guarantees that didn’t exist?
“I’ve been an idiot,” she whispered, looking up at her friends. “A real idiot.”
“You can always stop doing that and make things right.” Carrie’s lips curved in a goofy smile. “We’ll even help you.”
“You will?”
“Of course.” Lacey nodded. “Let’s get down to business, then, shall we?” She held out her glass for a top up.
Kailey grabbed the bottle, topped off both their glasses and reached for a handful of chips.
Suddenly, the night didn’t seem quite so hopeless.
* * *
RYLAN SAT ON Duke’s front porch, nursing a beer and wondering why things seemed so damned quiet.
It couldn’t be because of Kailey. She belonged at Brandt, and even though she visited Crooked Valley frequently, it wasn’t as though she was part of the daily routine. Maybe it was because it was fall, and things were slightly slower than they were in the middle of summer. Either way, Rylan knew two things. Staying at Crooked Valley was a good decision. One he felt happy about. As soon as he’d said the words to Duke and Lacey, he’d felt a sense of rightness wash over him. The second thing he knew was that he missed her. And that he was both angry and hurt over how things had gone down.
Duke and Quinn came out of the house, each with a bottle of beer in their hands, and sat down in the other chairs on the porch, stretching out their jean-clad legs. “Nice night,” Quinn remarked, and Duke agreed, and the three of them looked out over the ranch. Their domain. All three had a stake in it now.
“Where did your women go?” Rylan asked. “Figured at least one of them would be around, pesterin’.” He tried a smile. It fell flat.
“They went out for a while. Left us on our own.” Duke was close enough to nudge Rylan’s elbow. “Peace and quiet.”
Quinn shrugged. “I don’t know. Seems too quiet around here without them around.”
Rylan’s mood darkened. They didn’t know how lucky they were. The women they loved didn’t hold one mistake against them for the rest of their damned lives.
“So,” Quinn said, a little too conversationally to be coincidental. “This thing with Kailey.”
“Is over.” It stung even to say it.
“What’d you do?” Duke asked.
“Why did I have to do something?” Rylan retorted, swirling the beer around in his bottle.
“Because it’s always our fault,” Duke said reasonably. “Carrie rolls her eyes and tells me that men aren’t as highly evolved as women.”
Even Rylan had to give a bit of a chuckle at that. “Seems to me women appreciate a little caveman now and again,” he replied, letting out a deep breath. He didn’t need to take out his bad mood on his brothers. He already considered Quinn a brother, rather than a mere in-law.
Quinn took a drink, swallowed and rolled his head to look at Rylan. “You kind of blew it on Valentine’s Day, bucko. You did a good job of fixing it until you ran out on her.”
Rylan scowled. “I swear to God, I wrote a note, put it with the key card. It must have fallen behind the desk or something. And I texted and tried to call as soon as I knew Rattler was okay. I didn’t just up and leave.”
“To her you did.”
“Dammit, I know that. But I explained...”
“Hey, we know you did. We’re with you. But Kailey...she has a hard time trusting, period.” Quinn frowned. “She’s always felt she had to work twice as hard since her mom and dad had a daughter and not a son. She has high standards, Rylan. And people end up disappointing her, like that jackass Black.”
“I’m not like that. I’d never ask her to walk away from Brandt. It’s part of her. I know that much.” He made a disgusted sound in his throat. Colt Black wasn’t worth considering.
“I’m not saying she’s right, Ry.” Quinn let out a big breath. “But what I am saying is...don’t give up. Not if you really love her. I know she’s one of my best friends and I’m biased, but I think she’s worth it.”
“How many times do I beat my head against the wall, then?” Ry asked. “Because that’s what I’m doing, and it doesn’t feel very damn good.”
Duke looked over at him and held his gaze. “As many as it takes,” he answered simply.
They each took a long drink and stared off across the fields.
Chapter Fifteen
“Hey, Rylan, someone from Brandt just phoned. One of their hands spotted a couple of our calves on the property line.”
Rylan looked up from the paperwork he was doing and pinned a direct gaze on Lacey. “You’re telling me this why? Quinn and Duke usually take care of this stuff. Calves aren’t
even supposed to be near that place. You sure they’re ours?”
“Quite sure. Quinn’s got his hands full, and Duke and Carrie have taken Evan in for his latest checkup. That leaves you.”
“Can’t one of the hands go?” Just what he wanted, treading the border line between their property and Kailey’s. After his chat with Duke and Quinn the other night, he still didn’t know what to do about her. His brothers had both said he needed to keep trying and show her how he felt, but after a while a man got tired of always feeling wrong and having a door slammed in his face.
Lacey put her hands on her hips. “For God’s sake, it’s a few little calves. Saddle up a horse and get the hell out of the barn. You could use some space and air. You’re starting to be a real downer.”
His irritation peaked and snapped. “Fine,” he bit back. “Since everyone seems to have an opinion on what I should do with every moment of my day, I’ll get on a horse and bring back your stupid calves.”
“Thank you.” She sounded incredibly pleased, which only infuriated him more. “You know where the creek takes that right angle bend? It was really close to there.”
Great. Just what he needed. In case he hadn’t been thinking about Kailey enough, he now had to go to the swimming hole where they’d shared some of their most memorable moments. Today was off to a great start.
He put the paperwork aside and brought in Chief to be saddled, and then headed out to the property edge in search of the lost calves. How they’d been separated from the herd, he had no idea. At least the September weather was mild. The cottonwoods were shedding their leaves so that the trees and drying grasses were varied shades of brown and gold, gilding everything with the warm colors. Rylan exhaled, grudgingly admitted that Lacey was right. He’d needed to get out of the barn.
He scanned the rolling hills for any sign of the calves, but so far he saw nothing. As he rode along the edge of the creek, he listened to the trickle of the water, the level lower now than it had been earlier in the summer, and thought of the times he’d come here with Kailey. That first night he’d come upon her swimming in her underwear and how he’d joined her, making her blush. Other times they’d met in the mellow evening heat, cooled their hot skin in the cold water, making love in the pool and on a blanket on the bank. He’d taken it, and her, for granted, and now she was gone.
The creek slowed, widened and curved around a huge old cottonwood, glowing with golden leaves. And there, just around the bend, stood Kailey, in a pair of jeans and a gray hooded jacket, holding the reins of her favorite mare—an aging Appaloosa named Sprinkles.
He reined in, stared at her from beneath his hat. “What are you doing here?” he called out. “You looking for those calves, too?”
But even as he asked, he knew it had all been a lie. Lacey had set this up. He loved his family. Staying on at Crooked Valley wasn’t going to be a mistake. But if they thought meddling in his personal life was okay...
“There are no calves,” she called back. “Your herd is miles from here.” A soft smile lit her face. “Actually, I can’t believe you fell for that line. It was Lacey’s idea. I bet her it wouldn’t work.”
“I was distracted,” he replied, trying to understand. So, Kailey and Lacey had been in on this together? But Kailey hadn’t talked to him in days. Not since he’d walked away from her place after she’d returned from Lewiston.
“Apparently. I’m glad, though. I wanted to talk to you.”
“You could have picked up the phone,” he said. A little part of him wanted to believe this was a good sign. But another remembered the harsh words she’d hurled at him, and he hesitated, staying firmly seated in the saddle.
The slight smile that had curved her mouth slid away. “Ry, I chose this place for a reason. It’s middle ground, where your place and mine meet. Neutral territory.”
Middle ground. Terms of peace but nothing more, right? Not the place where they’d begun the crazy slide into love, which was what he’d thought, for the briefest second, had been what she was going to say. His throat felt tight. He didn’t dare get his hopes up one more time. She didn’t trust him, and she’d made that perfectly clear the last time he saw her.
“Just say what you need to say,” he advised.
* * *
KAILEY STARED UP at the man on the horse. He seemed like such a stranger. The usual flirty half smile was gone from his face and his eyes were shadowed by the brim of his hat. Her heart beat a frantic tattoo as she wondered if this had been a big mistake. If she was too late.
But she’d been in the wrong. And it was up to her to apologize and make things right, if it was possible.
Her voice shook as she spoke, taking one step closer to Chief.
“I owe you a huge apology,” she said, then cleared her throat. “For what happened after Lewiston. For jumping to conclusions. Though,” she added, biting down on her lip for a moment, “the conclusions weren’t that much of a stretch considering...”
That wasn’t what she’d planned to say, and she stammered a bit and backtracked. “B-but I didn’t believe you when you told me about the note. And I didn’t forgive you and I should have. I’m sorry, Rylan. I really screwed things up.”
His expression remained harsh, but she saw his Adam’s apple bob and hoped he was feeling something right now. That he hadn’t totally closed his heart to her.
“Say something,” she whispered.
“You wanted to apologize?” he asked, his voice expressionless. “Make peace between the Hatfields and McCoys?”
She laughed. “We’re hardly that, Rylan. I never hated you. There’s no feud...”
“You sure don’t love me,” he replied sharply. Too sharply. She stared at him, her lips open. She’d really, really hurt him. Strangely enough, the knowledge gave her hope. Indifference was her real enemy. If he cared enough to be hurt, maybe there was still a chance for them.
“That’s where you’re wrong,” she replied. “Please, Rylan. Won’t you get down from there and talk to me?”
He hesitated for a moment, but then swung his leg over the saddle and hopped down. He took off Chief’s bridle, too, setting him free. Chief wouldn’t go far, and he’d enjoy grazing for a while until Rylan called him to go home.
“You know I’m staying on at Crooked Valley, don’t you?”
She nodded. “The girls told me. What made you change your mind?”
The leather and hardware of the bridle dangled from his hand. “I fought it for too long. Leaving it the first time gave me such bad memories I didn’t want to come back again. Then once I was back—really back—I realized I was so determined to leave that I was cutting off my nose to spite my face. This place has always been my idea of home. I can still rodeo—I love it, too—but working with the stock, helping it grow...that’s where I want to be.”
He met her gaze and his eyes hardened. “I suppose that makes me more attractive now. That I’m not such a drifter.”
She absorbed the hit. So defensive, so...hurt. She hadn’t realized how sensitive he was, but perhaps she should have. All the things he’d told her had added up to a boy and man who didn’t give too much of himself to anything so he didn’t get hurt. But he’d given a lot of himself to her, and she’d thrown it back in his face.
And so she said the words she knew he needed to hear. And she meant them.
“Rylan Duggan, I fell in love with you when I was convinced that you were leaving again. When you disappeared for days on end, competing, and when you came back and had to face losing your championship hopes. I loved you every moment of this summer. Otherwise I never could have asked you to go along with me to Idaho. Don’t you get that? I’m sorry I overreacted. I’m sorry I got scared and stubborn. And am I glad you’re staying in Gibson? Well, maybe I am. Of course, that all depends.”
“Depends on what?”
She stepped forward again until they were only a few feet apart. “It depends on what happens here. Right now, today. Because if you staying here means we
’re not together and I have to see you every day and see what I messed up because I was a coward, that’s going to be really hard to live with.”
His blue eyes flickered with some emotion she couldn’t quite decipher, but it definitely wasn’t indifference.
Encouraged, she took the final steps and fastened her fingers around the denim of his jacket. “Rylan, I ruined everything. I know that. And yeah, I’m scared. I’m really scared. I’m throwing away my security blanket here and giving you the power to hurt me. This is me. Just me. I have no idea what I’m doing and no idea what comes next, and that terrifies me, but I know one thing for sure. I love you. And you can do with that what you will. You can love me back, which, by the way, is what I hope you’ll do. Or you can break my heart. Either way, it’s yours.”
And offering it to him was something she’d never, ever done before. She thought it would be crippling and terrifying, but in this moment, it felt utterly right to surrender it to something bigger than herself.
He dropped the bridle on the ground, then took off his hat and dropped it on top of the tack. “K,” he said softly, and something in her chest seemed to take wing. She loved how he shortened her name to a single letter, how his eyes raked over her with a hunger that went beyond the physical. This was the Ry she remembered. Larger than life. Dangerous and wonderful.
“I’m sorry,” she said again, and to her chagrin she started to cry. “I’m so sorry, Rylan. I turned you away instead of letting you in. I was such a fool.”
He reached out and pulled her into his arms. “No more of a fool than I was,” he replied roughly, his lips close to her ear as he held her close.
She clung to him for several seconds, absorbing his strength and heat and the sheer delight of his body close to hers once more. “Oh, I missed this,” she murmured, tightening her arms around him.
“Me, too,” he replied. He leaned back a little and brushed a thumb down her cheek. “But, Kailey, you were so sure you couldn’t trust me. So angry. What changed?”
